i feel like there's two of me.
the good one, and the bad one.
the good one wants to listen to you
and take all of your advice
and make sure that everyone comes out of this
squeaky clean
but the bad one doesn't care.
the bad one feels confined
and trapped
by all of the interference

they're fighting now...
i don't like the inbetween me
the me that laughs at other souls
and can't stand being one of them

first order of business

i'm working too much.

sunday night. monday morning
tuesday night wednesday morning

this is monday, i worked last night...
and i am so tired.
i just want to cry...
i don't feel like i slept at all, and now
here i go back to the old grind.

i'm tired of being around food.

i want to wear pretty clothes...
not black and white.

...

i heard somewhere, that if you spend christmas alone, it means that no one loves you



i spent christmas alone

a little while ago, i bought three moleskine journals. with the idea that i would have a continuation between the three of them... journals are really important to me, and these are the perfect kind. they have the smooth paper, no lines... they're small enough to fit in my bag, and the cover has nothing on it, so i can draw on it if i want to. and that's what i was going to do... i was going to have drawings between them... connecting them. the problem that i have faced, is that i don't know what to draw. i haven't been drawing anything lately. and today, i was thinking about it... i think i'm going to do flowers.
a lilly for life and resurection
an almond flower for hope and promise
and then an opium poppy as an antidote for the future

one of these days

i'm going to look pretty.
i'm going to fix my hair up in some
very cute and flattering way
i'm going to wear a dress that
makes me look like a movie star
i'm going to wear my favorite pair of high
heel shoes
and then i'm going to put on a whole tube
of lipstick, and kiss you.
so that you are wearing just as much
lipstick as me.

and i will smile and say
something cute
and you will laugh, and hug
me so tight, and i will never let
you, let go.

because i'm not in the mood to talk with you about this
or pretend it never happened
i'm in the mood to have you grow up
and stop trying to get me to grow down
i'm tired of walking on eggshells
i just want to spread my wings and fly free
far away from all of these nightmares
from the creatures you put under my bed
to make sure i can't sleep at night
i can't handle your judgment
or your misconstrued ideas of who
i should be.
i can't fit in your boxes.
i'm not in the mood to have you yell at me
and have my head pound with all of your
angry voices.
i'm ready to write my song
and stand at the end of the road
singing at the top of my lungs
and maybe it turns into something stupid
but at least it's mine
and i will never be in the mood to have
you take it from me

oh my god.
my life is twilight

no more... no more

i've been staring at the computer screen for so long...
there have been an enormous amount of lengthy emails
sent my way.

i'm just ready for things to be good again.
to have the birds sing to me when i wake up in the morning

but i'm starting to feel like
things are never going to be okay

i couldn't help it

today, i went on my life is average, for the first time...
and i found a few that made me laugh
so because i'm a loser... i'm posting them up...
get ready

Today, I found a muffin under my pillow. I live alone.

Today, my school officially banned "The Floor is Lava" game

Today, I saw Batman and Spiderman fighting next door to my job at the mall. After a surprisingly intense fight, Spiderman knocked Batman to the ground and won. Batman got up and shouted "I'm telling mom!" before running off. I love my job.

I was walking down the street and I run into this random guy in a robe. I was going to walk past him but then he passed me a sticker and said "Welcome to the cult" . I was freaked out until I noticed that there was a unicorn pooping out cupcakes on the sticker. I am a member of the best cult ever.

A few days ago, at lunch my friends and I were playing with a ball covered in little suction cups. We began throwing it at the windows that separate the junior/senior room from the rest of the cafeteria, deeply entrancing a table of senior boys. The next time we threw it, it hit the window, bounced off and a senior boy (who had been hiding behind a garbage can) jumped out, snatched it in midair, and continued walking like nothing had happened. Respect senior ninja, respect.

Today I was looking at the back of my orginal Old Spice Body Wash and it stated "If your Grandpa handn't wore it you wouldn't exsist" Thanks Old Spice, Thanks Grandpa.

Today, I was at the market and had a craving for some bananas. I walked to the produce isle. Finally found my bananas as i reached out to grab one a man in a banana suit came sprinting around the corner, and snatched the bananas out of my hands.He then proceeded to run away screaming "YOU CANT EAT MY CHILDREN!!" Banana man you have won this match..

topsy turvey

i want to be able to tell you that this weekend was amazing. that it was so incredible, and it changed my life... there were so many parts of it that were just, good. just what i needed. and then there were other parts of it that were just... terrible. on friday, i was waiting until 2 to leave... i got to have dinner with mrs. christian, and paul. but everything up until 2 was just... sad. i left, and it took me a while to get out of my funk... everything after that was soo good. i loved the gloria program.... i loved being able to go up, and stand next to nathanael and brittani, and roxy and belt out, in my squeeky rusty, ill-used voice the hallelujah chorus... and then that night, i got to see mrs. manente... and she looked so good, with her green scarf. i got to see so many people. then gabby and i went to danika's house, and talked until danika showed up... we exchanged christmas presents. they really liked theirs... i'm glad. i tried. we all went to sleep right after that... pookie and i woke up around 9:30-ish... we ate french toast and watched the latest episode of glee together... got ready and went to church... the service was kind of bleh, but mr. flores played his accordian.. so neat. we went to lunch at taco bell, and then pookie had to get jeff home.. so i had to say goodbye... i went and found earl and jacob and nathanael we all went for a walk around the 2 mile... then we went to the piano recital... and then... everyone was leaving. so i decided to go. everything was going well on the way home... but i should have gotten on to 95 north, instead of 95 south... so i ended up getting lost... and in near panic mode... and eventually i just shut down while peter was giving me directions... i pulled over and started crying for a minute or two... but i made it home... and then everything was okay... but then it wasn't again... and then it was... and then it wasn't... last night was this huge ordeal. this fight between light and dark... without the weapons. i tried to hug my dad last night. i got home... and it had been so hard... i tried to hug him. and he freaked out. he patted me on the back, and then escaped to the kitchen... i don't know.... i don't even know why i'm complaining
i should just shut up and accept it.
the end.

dear ____

i'm so frustrated with this right now...
every time i try to talk with you
it's like i'm desperately trying to grasp onto the
threads of our friendship
i'm scared to share pieces of my life with you because
i have no idea how you're going to react

and i try to ask you questions because i still want
to be friends with you, but it's like you've completely shut down
and i know... that we're just
going in circles...
and it's just the same as it's always been
no answer
no solution...

but i feel like, if this is the end. there should
be a goodbye. there should be a complete ending
there should be something to let me know
that you don't want me to try to be involved in your life...

and i want to know. that if we end up meeting
sometime in the future
it's not going to be awkward.
or strained.

but i guess there isn't a way to know
this. i guess.
i shouldn't be asking
questions that
i know that you can't answer.
i guess. i just shouldn't be
frustrated...
i don't know

i just don't know anymore...
i just don't.

cini-minis

"Compelling art to me is a name carved into a tree. Sometimes a rock soaring through a plate of glass can be the most beautiful, compelling work of art I have ever seen." barry mcgee

i've been thinking .... that i really want to learn how to paint. i've never done it before. i really want to learn how. i have this vision in my head of the perfect painting. the one picture that could symbolize everything. that could BE everything. but i don't know how to do it. i'm so excited about this pottery class. i can't wait to be elbow deep in my mind. i love the idea of creating for a living. but i know. that if it was my month to month paycheck. i would hate it. i would abolutely detest it. i know that i would procrastinate. and i would end up becoming a hermit. i love creating... but on my own time... i want to be around people. i want to share. i want to love.
but it feels like... whatever i decide to do, i'm going to need to go to school. i can't stand this. i hate this idea of sitting in a classroom. cramming for exams. there are so many things that i would try to explore, but the idea of school just exhausts me. i would rather go and be an apprentice somewhere. i want to learn one on one. with an actual person. not some teacher-drone. i like waitressing. i really do. it's one of the best things that i've ever been able to do. but i want to do other things too...
i feel a little stuck. i feel smooshed.

keep them tied

it's weird to hear you say things,
because you don't know what they mean.
i don't really like pretending.
but at least that's who i am.
at least i'm not lying.

short shorts

i had been planning to go shopping with my dad on sunday. since tuesday. it was just going to be me and him, and i was going to get the rest of my christmas shopping finished up. let's just say that not everything works out the way we hope. i did find this really cool hamburger phone. and i was able to find all of the gifts i wanted for everyone. i'm close. i'm really close, to finishing. now it's just a few more handmade things. :/ today is not a good day. i don't mean to complain. i should just suck it up, and deal. because carly, that's the way of the world... and that's how your cookie is crumbling.

they called me

on friday, i went with peter to the philadelphia art museum. and while we were trying to park. i hit another car. sigh....
so far, my second accident.
the insurance company called me today... and i had to give them my statement
i guess, i'm just ready for my easy button
i'm ready for the rewind.
to say, oh oops... i didn't mean to do that
why don't we just go back in time for a few seconds
and not make
huge ridiculous mistakes...

but other than the accident.
we had a good time. :)

it's not going to make her happy

tonight, i was talking with my mom after she got home from work. we got into the "do you remember what the house looked like when we were looking at it and other people lived here?" conversation. my mom is really stressed out by the way our house is. it's dirty. no one really cares except me and her. that makes three other people, who don't care about it at all... when other people lived here, it looked really good. there was pictures on the walls, there were statues. there were vases. everything was in it's place, and adorable. but then we moved in. our houses have never really been... clean. we throw everything everywhere... we save things from a billion years ago. we don't really.... get rid of things. spring cleaning never existed in my house. so i was talking with my mom, and she started telling me that she has all of these things that she wants to hang up, but there isn't a place for them. and if there was, she wouldn't know where to put them. she started telling me about all of them, and i was like. mom. we have to do something. so we started talking about what we could do... the upstairs is prepped and ready for wall hangings. everything's painted. we just need to clean, and rearrange. i told her that if she brought me stuff, i would hang it up. the one thing that she's really wanted to get done, is the downstairs hallway. we've been taking down that wallpaper since we moved in. just about 7 years ago. it's time to finish it. so i told her that if she took the rest of the wallpaper off, i would paint it. and i'm getting really excited about it. we already know what we're hanging on the walls down there when it's finished. i was thinking about paint colors... the tile that we put on the floor down there has these weird blues and purpley grays. so i'm going to get a bright blue, and a lavender. the lavender will be most of the walls and the light blue will go on the side with the closet, and my parents bedroom. it's going to look really good. and it will give me something to do. i think. i might fund the paint, and say it's christmas for dad. since i'm getting my mom something else. maybe it will just be for the both of them. it's not going to cost me very much... and i love doing these projects. and now, i have something to look forward to. something to plan. if i could do this for the rest of my life, i would. but the thing is. i know this isn't going to make her happy. i was so excited to paint my room. to put everything the way that i wanted. to let go of my old me, and embrace the new one. and after it was done.... i was like... okay, now what. it didn't make me happy. i don't even remember the excitement i had before it. but what else can i do? maybe if my mom and i work on this together, we can get something done. we'll work on the next project. maybe we'll even clean out the porch. maybe we'll be able to get rid of all the junk in our house. maybe we can save money to get a new couch. maybe maybe maybe. it's not about short term happiness.. my mom has been waiting her whole married life for her dream house. maybe all that we really need to do is clean up this one. and i'm pretty sure that we can have it up and looking sharp within the next six months. and i'm willing.

the crusades

i've been working on this paper for the longest time.
stupid. stupid. stupid.

i only have to describe the last couple crusades
discuss spain and the byzantine empire
compare them
and then conclude.

i already have my introduction
a discussion of the first two crusades
an understanding of the muslim
and christian attachments to jerusalem.

technically, i'm halfway there.
almost.
i'm at the end of page two
kind of.

i'm just so sick of this.
i want it to be finished.
after this paper.
i'm free.
(until sunday)

i just want it all over with.

the paper writing genies need to come
and finish this all up for me.

proper citations and everything.
GAH!

there are days.

sometimes, when i'm at work... i get this feeling... kind of like an out of body experience... it's strange knowing, that as crazy as things get, and as many mistakes that i make, and however many people are in the restaurant. and how many times people tell me to do things.. and how stressed out i get, that in a few hours. everything will be okay. and it will be like none of it even mattered. sometimes, i walk around, and i don't feel like me. i feel like an 18 year old waitress, trying to get through college. i feel like a completely different person. i can see myself. i can actually watch myself walking around, picking up plates, smiling at customers, and trying to be polite... it's one of the weirdest things.

this weekend, i went to the manentes.... and briana and i went out to the swamp, to take pictures... and for the first time in who knows how long... i felt pretty.

you know i love you, right?

do i? do i really?
i'm tired of being baited... and of baiting back.
when did you ever hold me? pick me up, and tell me that i was beautiful,
the apple of your eye?
when did you ever tell me that i wasn't an accident?
when did you ever surprise me? play with me? hug me?
you never say that you love me, unless i say it first
you never hug me, unless i hug you first
is this how it is supposed to be?
am i supposed to be straining all of my efforts trying to
impress you?
trying to make you have a reason to say that you care?
is this really working?
does it make you feel better to know that i need your approval
that i would die without it?
that i would try to die without it?
which one of us is the parent?
which one of us, needs to take the initiative?
which one of us, needs to grow up.

present face

my dad was really excited when chad was born. there are all of these pictures of the two of them playing together, and just hanging out. they had a good 3 years of play time. when everything was going good. when i was born, my dad was just starting his teaching career. which is when all of the bad things started happening. i don't really remember my childhood very much. there are bits and pieces... i remember having dreams that i was a princess, and that i could fly. that i was an explorer, and would go traipsing through the woods. i don't remember being scared of anything. i liked to climb on things, and play with my teddy bears. and the neighbor. but when i went to school, i started to freak out, because my dad would drop me off in the preschool room. and then kindergarten. i was so scared that he wasn't going to come back. there was nap time, and i almost never had my blanket and pillow, because i was scared i would forget them, and they wouldn't be at home with me. so i had to sleep on the blue cot. i don't remember liking nap time very much. there was one time, i was walking around the school, and i couldn't find my dad, i started bawling. and running around... and i was so scared. because he wasn't there. then we moved. i don't really remember very much about nebraska. there was childrens church, and it was cold... there was lots of corn. and there was a boy, evan, who sat across from me, who made fun of me. then we moved again. this time to tennessee.... up until this point, i don't remember spending time with either of my parents. my mom was always, football. and my dad just... didn't. he got mad at me a lot. or at least, i felt like he got mad at me. he would take me shopping. chad and i got a dollar for each year. we would go to walmart. i remember the most about tennessee... dad would take us to thrift stores. most of the time, i was really scared of him... i had my first boyfriend, and my first kiss when i was in third grade. my mom found out i had a boyfriend and was like, oh how cute. and told all of the relatives. then when they found out that i kissed him. they flipped out. my dad yelled at me for the longest time. he told me that i was going to be a slut and having sex and a loose dirty woman by the time i was 13. so i stopped talking to him. and then caleigh was born. i remember feeling like my parents loved chad more than me, because he didn't have to change the poop diapers. and then dad lost his teaching job. so he started working at papa johns. he would go out, and on thursdays he would bring chad and i a pizza while we were babysitting caleigh. but then papa johns wasn't enough, and the science teacher at gsa died. so he went to fill in up there. he would drive up, and live with my grandparents. while we stayed at home. he would come back like once every three weeks or so. and we thought that things might be okay, and that gsa would hire him. but they didn't. we ended up moving in with my grandparents while dad was looking for a new house. we've been here ever since. i remember eavesdropping on all of my parents conversations... they were always stressed out. they were always freaking out.... there was this atmosphere that the world is against us. that the adventists were against us. i remember being really mean to my brother. i didn't understand why he was the cool one. why he never had any problems. and i was getting yelled at.

the only thing that i can come to, is that i deserve this. it's okay for you to laugh at me. it is even right for you to do so. because i deserve it. and it's okay if you find me dull and ignorant. because i am. and i deserve your opinion. i deserve your scorn. and your disdain. and i deserve the yelling and the fighting. for you to turn the light out on me. to leave me cold. i deserve to be dirty and filled with disease. i deserve to be hated.

and if you give a little love, then you get a little love of your own

Well if you are (what you love)
And you do (what you love)
I will always be the sun and moon to you
And if you share (with your heart)
Yeah, you give (with your heart)
What you share with the world is what it keeps of you

from noah and the whale

i just want to be as small as i can. because if i'm small then they can't get me. they can't hurt me with their claws, and their teeth. they won't chase after me or corner me into submission. if i'm small, than i can escape. but i'm not small. and i will never be. and they're coming to get me.

i just went to visit bma
and it already feels like an eternity since i went.
i'm going this weekend to visit the manente's
and i hope the same thing doesn't happen....
things have just been going wrong lately
on thursday i forgot to do my homework twice
saturday, i was in the car driving until 2 AM
and on sunday at work, i went in... after just walking through the door, i broke 7 plates, ripped a table-cloth, cut my hand....
typical.
today i broke a cup. and spilled water.
tomorrow i give my speech.
i'm just tired...
i'm excited to go traveling. but i would probably be just as excited to sleep.... but luckily, today i discovered that i do not need to go to class on thursday. and i am not going on friday, due to traveling silliness. so i have like a 5 day weekend... or at least i would. if i did not need to go to work on thursday and friday.

today is the third anniversary of the friendship between pooper and myself. i guess the whole thing is just silly. (it seems that there isn't really anything that i have left that isn't silly) i used to get so excited, because becoming friends with justin was like reaching the unatainable. he's just too cool.

i can't even tell you how i feel right now. i just can't.
it's like i don't feel anything.
like i'm not allowed to feel anything.
i'm just engorged with vacancy.
i have no purpose. i have no joy.
and all of my efforts turn to dust.

"who am i this time"

FACT: i am good with my hands. i can create, and mold, and build. I learn by doing. not by sitting.
I want to do something meaningful. I want to be able to have people see and touch, and feel my soul. to hold it in the palm of their hands, to know that this is my contribution to the world. to know that it's benefiting the human existance. and in turn, i need my existance uplifted. i need meaning. i need to search for it. this is who i am right now. and i need to embrace it. i am not an adventist. and i will not become one, just because you think i should.

who knows

i don't. this week has been going by really quickly... i'm not sure why. but i haven't really gotten sad or anything since my concert. i've just been living. okay, wait. i take that back. haha, i've been stressing out, because my parents need money. but they're saving up for me to go to college next semester. and they kind of have the attitude of, well if she doesn't want it, we don't have to give it to her. which would be fine, and in fact, that is what i told them for THIS semester. however. now that i have gotten a chance to think about what i really want to experiment with, i'm liking the idea, and i'm excited about going. i'm even playing with the idea of going into music performance. (maybe it's just on a whim, or because i talked with mr. flores, or because i saw andrew bird, or because i haven't sung in forever. i have no idea what the reason is. but right now, i really don't care. i want to take some music classes). everything is just so weird right now. my mom is mad at me. and i can understand. she's worried that i'm going to have some superabnormal influence on caleigh, and she's worried that she'll need to deal with two of us. so she's trying to force me to go to church. i'm just so tired of this. all of yesterday and the night before, i was trying to think of ways that i could move out, and go live my life. away from them. they're stressing me out. they're mad because i don't want to be a successful businesswoman. they're mad because i don't tell them when i make plans. they're mad because i don't feel like going to church. they're mad because i wanted earrings. they're mad because i work friday nights. they're just angry at me. all the time. if they don't want me here. it's okay. i can leave. i have no problem going somewhere else. i wouldn't mind paying them rent if i had to, and started living out in the garage (oooh but then chad and danielle's honeymoon suit would be gone... :P) it's not hard for me to see why they are particularly aggrivated. but at the same time. i really can't. they're frustrated because they want me to make money, and they want to see me loving adventism, and being a good influence to their 9 year old daughter. and right now, i can accept that getting a degree in something would really be helpful. and even if i only get one in liberal arts, at least i'll have something. but the truth is, i don't want to make vast amounts of money. i really don't. and i don't want to be adventist. i don't want to go to church. caleigh will need to make these choices someday for herself. right now, she's near that age when she's going to go to the extreme "do the right thing" phase, like we all did. but then after that, she's going to ask questions, like we all did. they can't protect her from my choices forever. the funny thing is. i have logical explanations... like when i wanted to get my ears pierced. i researched it. the main reason people pierced them back in the day, was so that they could belong to something a person, an idea, what have you. but i wanted to mark my journey, with this symbol. symbols are important to me. they're not important to anyone else in my family. i would talk to them, but they're just going to rip off the celing like they did the last time, and the time before that, and the time before that.... i know it must be hard for them. i symbolize everthing that they hate. i'm an environmentalist wacko, a hethen who refuses to see the light, one of those high school graduates, who will never amount to anything. they talk about these people all the time. whenever there's a story in the newspaper, they sit around and attack these people. but i'm one of them. and they can't stand it. honestly... i don't know what to do anymore. i'm constantly surrounded by people who hate me.

yuck.

today has gone by so slowly. last night i was near panicking because tonight i had to work the dinner shift. (friday dinner = one of the craziest EVER!) so i was freaking out, and i had an essay test today, i'm getting sick, so my body's tired. and i really just needed a break... so today, i woke up, and had to go back to sleep because i wasn't able to function... i ended up doing horrible on my test, and had to sit through my speech class listening to my professor telling me that i'm good for nothing because i don't have my next speech topic picked out. oh joy. i had to rush home, get dressed, drive out to monsoon... .and i was freaking out the whole way. until i walked in the door. which surprisingly... is how it has tended to work out for the past few times that i stress out about everything. i was in a pretty okay mood tonight... and instead of breaking down and crying all over the place... when all the things started happening, i laughed... it was the most freeing experience. still a long night, but things worked out... i got to give people the check tonight. which was good, because if they had asked for dessert, i wouldn't have known what to do! (i still don't know the menu very well... shame on me) and! tonight was payday. and my boss handed me an envelope of cash. very cool. sigh... this week has been kind of awful... i hate to say it. but i'm so glad that it's over. and i get to take a break! tonight, i'm going to sleep sooooo well (i hope) i'm NOT going to set an alarm, and then sunday, is my andrew bird concert. -freak out- it's looking like my mom will back out... so i don't know who is going to go with me. my brother is going to danielles tomorrow, and so it'll either be my dad or my mom. and honestly... i don't think either of them will enjoy it very much. i know that i'm going to be sitting there jaw open and about to pee myself haha (not literally) but if my mom comes, she'll complain that the music is too loud, or that she needs to go to the bathroom, or that she's tired, and want's to go home... and if my dad goes, he'll just sit and nod, and watch me have fun... and neither of these sounds like a fun time. sorry. but i know i'll enjoy myself anyway.... i haven't decided if i really want to go to the renaissance fair. it sounded like fun... but i'm gonna walk around, and then go to the concert where i'm standing... it seems like a pretty tiring day. i don't know. i'll figure it out. but tonight! AH tonight. i rest. :)

here's the deal

about a week ago, i took my sister to walmart, and we each bought a bag of candy. she got smarties, and i got dumdums. when we got home, we shared... i traded her the dumdums that i thought were nasty, for some smarties. and she traded me some smarties for the dumdums that she wanted. i ate a dumdum, and realized that they still do the "save wrappers for stuff" so we went online, and looked at the things that they had, and (they were all pretty weird looking.) there was the chapstick, that was flavored like the pops. it took us about two seconds to decide that we were going to do it. we've been saving these things for a few days. (the chapstick is only 20 wrappers and there are 80 pops in a bag) so tonight, we finally printed out the order form, and put them all in an envelope so we can get our chapstick.
it doesn't matter that i had to pay the $2.50 for the bag of dumdums, $3 for the chapstick that will probably taste like wax, $2 for the shipping and handling, and the cost of the stamp.... it doesn't matter. because in 6 TO 8 WEEKS when these things finally get here, my sister and i are going to open this package, and bask in the ambiene of this sister experience.

where did this start?

my parents want me to get counseling... how did this happen? i know that i get a little sad sometimes... but counseling? really? what is that going to do? i don't want to go sit in a room and poor out my life thoughts. it just seems unnecessary. like one of those things, that happens to other people....

sigh....

today, has been very interesting. very hard... and very long.
poor jacob had to deal with my nonsense this afternoon while
i was very near making some poor decisions. but i was able
to make it home... and mrs. manente called me! :D and i talked
with peter tonight... and i feel good. i feel better than i did earlier
but i'm a bit hungry now.

i don't know how it happened

i went on lastfm, and this song came up
and i almost burst into tears....

good times gonna come
aqualung

one of them.

i don't like going to sleep, because i'm scared i'll wake up and i won't remember. like i'm the sand at the ocean, and overnight, the water comes and steals my little pieces away. it's already happening... i feel as if i'm missing a part of me. everytime i wake up. i just want it to stop. things happen.... and then the next morning, i feel like i'm a million years ahead, and i can't remember how i felt, or what i did. i can't remember bma. i'm forgetting everyone else... and i can't help but think... maybe if i stay awake, they'll stay with me too, and i won't need to be afraid. there are so many things that i thought were important to me, but.... they just aren't anymore... they say the calm before the storm right? well, if that's true. i don't EVER want to be calm... i don't want to be happy, if this is what's coming next... today, i just feel wrong.... everything is off, and i can't fix it. i don't want to wake up, if i have to struggle for my existance every morning... sometimes, i think god's just playing a big joke on me... and someday, he's going to come, and say that i didn't try hard enough, or i didn't want to live bad enough... and i'm not going to be able to say otherwise.

was.

i was okay, and now i'm not...
i feel so strange. i know that i'm tired
and i know that i'm supposed to sleep well tonight, but something just feels off. i'm scared. and i need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay....

new experience.

last night, i had so much trouble going to sleep... i had to take another pill, i think it made it worse because i knew i had to go to work in the morning. i had a lot of trouble waking up too... it took me a good 3 hours to wake up. but i went to work, and i felt kind of grumpy. people started coming in right at 11:30, and they didn't stop. we had almost every table full for 3 hours. we also had two parties of 20. one came in, and then the other came in after they left. it was so crazy, i was clearing tables, and taking plates, and slipping all over the place... it was insane. i stayed a little later to help clear the food away, but then i had to go straight to my class, so i smelled bad... anyway. while i was working, this really adorable indian woman came up to me and was like "can i speak with you for a second?" and i was like, oh no... i probably spilled something on her or messed up her water, she's going to yell at me, and i'm going to cry, and it's going to be awful... but she was like... "my friend thinks you're really cute and he wants to know if he can have your number." i laughed. really? it just seemed so funny. stuff like that doesn't happen to me. so i was a sport, and wrote it down on a huggies advertisement haha... if he wasn't able to come up to me and ask, then there's a 95% chance he's not going to actually call me. i figured i was safe... the whole thing just seems so weird. i hope that no one else asks... i don't want to be a jerk and say no... but at the same time, if i say yes, they'll think that i'm interested, and i'm not. i don't want to be a rude person. ugh. i feel really strange... i'm supposed to be invisible. i was really counting on that part...
tonight, my cat came and sat on my lap, he was all cuddly, and it was adorable... i still miss it. i miss being able to cuddle with people. tonight, i'm going to sleep... and i'm not going to wake up to an alarm. that's right. i'm gonna sleep in. and in the morning, i'm going to make pancakes. and then i'm going to go exchange my pants, because they're snug.
and i still love you. i'm just cranky tonight. it's not your fault

three things

number one, i don't think i dreamed last night... the first night, in about a week i suppose, where i have not dreamed. and it felt so good, let me tell ya. i woke up, (early, around 6) feeling so... refreshed. except then i went back to sleep... and i woke up tired haha. so i guess it doesn't count. but at least there wasn't a dream anywhere in there.
number two. i forgot number two.
number three. i had my first day of work today. i was supposed to be there at 10AM. and i ended up walking up at 9:55. and the door was locked. and all the lights were off. so i figured... oh! maybe they wanted me to come from the back entrance... so i tried to walk around the HUGE STRIP OF STORES. (mine, just happens to be in the very middle. haha) so i walk around, but from the back, all of the stores look the same. so i gave up, and walked back around. sat and knocked for about 10 minutes. by this time, i am freaking out, with a capitol F. thinking that maybe the whole thing was a practical joke, and that they were just messing with me. but then this van full of my co-workers. comes up, and they let me in haha. so i start pretty much immediately. we clean, we DRINK CHAI! we mop... the first thing i was told to do, was get the ice, into the ice box. there's a counter where we keep the ice water for the buffet, and we have to keep refilling the pitcher ALL THE TIME. so there's a cooler inside of the table... and i got to put ice in it... there are only a few people that i've talked to. the only bad thing so far, is that i smell like food. and so do my clothes. they're in the washing machine right now.
did i mention that i am in a really good mood? i couldn't stop laughing when i was driving home. i had such a good experience... i really did.... i'm excited to go back! who can say that about their job... ?
i get to drink chai!
haha, sigh... i have an eye appointment tomorrow... and i think i'm going to see if i can go to the doctor for my foot, walking around all day made it hurt so bad... but at least i know that i am going to sleep very well tonight.
have i told you lately that i love you? because i do!
i do i do i do!!!!

priorities

last night, i had a dream and i was cooking and eating chocolate :) and it was so exciting. but then i fell back asleep and had a panic dream about starting my new job. i've been getting nervous because i haven't gotten a schedule yet. these scenarios where i get a call with an "oops, just kidding, we don't want you" keep going through my head. and so, this morning, this panic dream about working there... and how much i hated it... it was just awful.
i still need to find my purpose

fracture

last night i tried to go to bed, but i couldn't fall asleep, so i ended up taking a sleeping pill and drifting off somewhere between 2 and 2:30. the night before that, i had a breakdown because i was too scared to go to sleep. and tonight... i just feel tired. not the "i'm going to go to sleep" tired. but the fed-up kind of tired. i do not know, how long i can keep this up. i feel so passionless. like nothing i try to do will end up okay. like everything i touch will float away. my inspiration is gone... and i'm frightened.
tonight, i think i'm going to take a bubble bath... and read a book... and try not to think about anything. but i might dream. i dreamed last night, i can't remember what it was. i've been dreaming for the past 4 days, which is strange for me. i don't want to dream tonight. it's been stressing me out, i've been eating like a maniac...
when i was in 6th grade, i got tired of being fat, so i would set my alarm for 5AM, about 45 minutes before my dad would come and wake me up, and i would go take my bike and ride around for about 20 minutes then sneak back inside to catch a bit more sleep. i didn't tell anyone... i was ashamed. i still am ashamed. i was thinking about riding my bike around again... since i might have a more regular schedule... it would be easy to fit it in. and when these crazy food binges stop... maybe it will actually do some good.
my foots been hurting for the past couple days... i have a mini-limp. i told my mom about it, and she said that i might have a stress fracture. i don't know why... i haven't done anything harmful to myself...
okay. tomorrow, will be a good day. even if i am forced to go to class, i will sit. i will listen. i will learn. i want to try to enjoy my life...
it's like i know that dawn is right around the corner... but i'm paralyzed in the evening. and i have to wait in the dark.

kings of convenience

and everything is new
do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do ....

:D

today, has been such a long day. i had two dreams last night, and this morning, my brother woke me up and reminded me about the renaissance fair at bcc in mt. laurel. so i went back to sleep for another hour and when i woke up, i was in a rush to get ready... and i saw that i had an email from my "maybe employer" and he said that he hadn't called me because there were more interviews, and that he would call me tomorrow and let me know of the final decision. so i was thinking hmm. why would he email me and say he would call me, if he was just going to tell me i didn't get it. wouldn't he just say yeah, sorry... you suck. haha. so i was really hopeful. and i went down to the mt. laurel campus, and my brother showed me around. we went to the "fair" which was 4 tables of pathetic-ness. but we jousted, and ate some gingerbread cookies and got a keychain with our picture in it. he ate a turkey leg while i looked on in disgust. and then perdeep called me! and he said that i GOT THE JOB! that's right ladies and gentlemen... i am now officially a waitress. i start on tuesday. :D i am so so so excited... i just need to go and get the suitable clothing. choir dress haha. i can't believe it. it just seems so surreal. the past few days have been so... sad. i've felt worthless, and angry. but there really is still hope. i can "follow my dream" :D YES!

do

you know what kind of weirds me out... mascara. and fake eyelashes...i guess i really just don't understand why people would want to look like a camel. most of us aren't in danger of facing a sand storm any time soon... but i guess there are those who don't understand why i wear eyeliner. so i suppose i should just let it go. correct? yes. today i have class. do i want to go? perhaps not really. tonight until 7:30, i will be "booking it" i also have a test today... oOo.

potato wedges

tonight, i made potato wedges. they were mm mm good if you know what i mean. nudge nudge. i accidentally/purposefully made them a bit thick... so the next time, i'm going to need to let less loose when i'm choppin' away. but, it was really good for me i think. i haven't really been making anything. i sort of flipped out and just couldn't do anything for a while. so, yesterday i made pancakes. and today, i baked some potato. :) and i feel good/better than i did.
oh... and i don't think i got the job. the guy hasn't called me. so if he doesn't tomorrow, then i think i'll call him. but honestly, i'm a little scared... the interview went really well, at least as far as i was concerned. and he said he would call me even if i didn't get the job... but maybe he was just being nice you know?
i feel a little stupid... like fate decided to play some tricks on me "oops, there she goes again! we'll get her this time!"
i guess all i can do is move forward, if i don't get the job... maybe there's a good reason... i would really like to know what that reason IS. but, i guess i can't be too pushy. :/

analogies

i remember when i was younger, i used to take my mom's 3-hole puncher and empty it out all over the carpet. she would get so mad at me, but i always picked up every last piece of paper. i used to empty it out over and over and over and i always picked up every single piece.

seriously?

today... i am angry... this whole weekend, has been a bucket of bricks. and today, i am fed up. i don't feel like myself. (or the "self" that i believe i should be feeling like) everything has just been going wrong... i've been going to bed late, because i'm scared to go to sleep. saturday night i was just so upset, i was so depressed... i would've started crying if i felt like it would do me any good. last night, i had to go pick up my brother because his car broke down. i didn't mind that too much, it was fine. but then when dad got home from his busy day of fishing, he took chad back out and they got the car home with the help of my battery. and then he proceeded to rip MY car apart. he was frustrated because a light came on in the equinox. the purple car broke down, and so now obviously there is something wrong with MY car. yeah... except there wasn't. so my brother took the kia to school, which means i had to take the equinox. i have problems with the equinox, i don't feel safe in it. i almost got into an accident today... all because my dad didn't have the decency to ask me about my car. my car... as lovely as it is, has a sticky shifter. you have to pound the button down before it can move. but after you take it out of park, it's fine, no problems at all. but of course, my dad hasn't driven my car in the longest time, so he doesn't know this. after driving my car last night, he somehow determined that there is some massive problem with my car so he RIPPED OUT THE WHOLE INSIDE. not the seats, but the center, and part of the dash. only to find that it is STILL BROKEN. i'm so frustrated with him right now. he could've just asked me about it, and there wouldn't have been a problem. but no... he had to go and freak out. so now instead of having just chads car broken, mine is too.... i know that being angry at him, isn't going to solve anything, it isn't going to make anything better, and i'm just going to end up hurting myself. we had another argument friday night.... i'm so fed up with this. i'm so tired of having him do stupid crap like this. he doesn't listen to me, and now, it's like he's closed the lines of communication for good. i just, i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like giving up. everything feels so out of balance, so disorganized... my whole being just feels so cluttered. i need to get rid of everything. i don't feel like i want to stick this out anymore

reality check

yesterday, was a really good day... i had my interview (it went really well) i got out of class early, chrystal called me... i haven't talked with her in a few months, it was really good to catch up. and i started reading EAST again last night. (just one of those things i guess...) there were some bad parts.i missed ryans call, and i argued with my dad. chad wasn't here, he went to steevo's... so at the occasional friday night dinner last night, my dad started talking with me about my plans. my goals. where i saw myself in three years... i'm so tired of this... i realized yesterday, that i'm finally breaking through, i'm finally going through my metamorphasis, and i'm not sure if i want to meet him on the otherside... he kept pushing the argument at me... it didn't end badly, but it didn't end well. he laughed at me. again... he laughs at me... we're both stubborn people. VERY stubborn people. he's abrasive, and i'm sensitive... so it clashes both ways. even if he's right, i don't want to say he's right. ugh... i also talked with my mom last night... it was very enlightning. she was there for the conv. with my dad, and she says she can see where i'm coming from because the same thing used to happen to her. i was surprised... i think i have this perception of my mom which isn't necessarily true. i've been wondering where i stand with her. chad's the golden boy, and caleigh's like her second chance you know? but i realized last night, that she really is a remarkable person. she's dealt with a lot throughout her life... and maybe i should give her more credit.... i guess it just doesn't occur to me. and i feel awful about it.. i mentioned to her that i was excited because the renaissance fair is the same day as my andrew bird concert, and that maybe that way, i would have a way to coerce someone into going with me if we could go to the fair beforehand... and she was like... you know i've always wanted to go to the renaissance fair... (my mom's one of those history junkies... if there's something old, she needs to go... i can't even tell you how many houses i've walked through in my time :) and so, just like that, my problem is solved. we decided.. or i decided haha that oct. 25 is going to be mom and daughter day. she said she would go to the concert with me... i hope she likes it. i make her listen to him all the time haha. she was the one who picked me up from bma, and when limbaugh was done, i got control of the music. :) the more i think about this, the more i like it... i really think it's going to be a great day for the both of us. definitely long... but i think it'll be worth it....

etc.

trees.
elephants.
white.
water.
smoke.

the freshman 15

everyone says that how much you weigh doesn't matter. the pounds are relative to your height, and your bone structure. and all of that good stuff. and even though they say that.... it's still one of those "problem" area's for me. i remember when i was in 6th grade, i was heavier than all of the 8th grade girls, (even though there were only like 5 of them) i was so ashamed. and so embarrassed... and of course, when i went to bma, all of my friends were smaller, shorter, cuter, funner than me. it's so strange to sit there, and watch people complain about how they're 110 lbs. how they would die if they ever gained weight. my feshman year, i was 182. girls are supposed to be small, and cute. they are not supposed to weigh more than their boyfriend. but then i lost weight. and i was normal. but still not small... part of the dorming experience is getting to borrow clothes from other people. getting to share. getting to switch it up every once in a while. it stinks when all of your friends can do it. but you can't. and if you tried you'd look like a whale. there's this little corner in the back of my mind that says, anything over 120 is fat. is disgusting. is painful to look at. and i know. that no one will care about what you look like as long as you are comfortable with yourself. as long as you love yourself. everyone will see your natural beauty. blah blah blah. no. i feel like thumbalina trapped in an ogre. (om nom nom)
i keep losing weight. i've lost 3 more pounds... and i know it's not healthy. and i know that i should focus on maintaining. and i should try to eat three meals a day instead of 1 1/2... and i know, that i should just be happy with myself. but every time i step on the scale, and see that i've lost another pound i can't help but think, yes. and i can't help but be happy.
i've tried to be objective. but every time i look in the mirror, all i see is fat fat fat. (but carly, maybe you should stay away from mirrors then) MY WHOLE HOUSE IS A MIRROR. but it's not just the mirrors... i feel fat. i feel bloated and gross.
there are times when i wake up, and glance at myself, and i feel so disgusted... so upset...

i.want.to.be.a.waitress.

plain and simple. just like that. last night, i applied (sort of) to a restaurant in mnt. laurel. why? because i needed to. this weekend at steevo's, i realized. i like people. silly no? we took a walk (that was supposed to end up at this very amazing broken down house, but ended up only going to an empty PJ's house) on the way, there was this house that had all of these metal works in the lawn. i asked the lady inside if we could take pictures with them. this is the second time now that i have gone with a friend to knock on a strangers door. and i loved it. i didn't have a problem at all... i want that. i want to connect with people. i want to help them have a good time. i want to smile, and bring them cheer. (and take pictures with their lawn art). i've been looking for a job for a while now... as you probably have already found out. i haven't been looking at restaurants because... this is going to sound stupid.... i'm not happy here. i'm not a happy person right now. i'm losing myself, and i didn't want to have my experience as a waitress be affected so strongly by my unwillingness to wake up in the morning. i know myself well enough to realize, that if i went into it like that, if i went into it expecting it to make me happy, it would disappoint me and i wouldn't enjoy it... and even more, it would make me more depressed... so i've been staying away from it. so what's changed? me. i'm so tired of this, i'm so tired of just waiting for my life to get better. waiting for the chance to sneak out. i've been feeling guilty for so long, that great people are dying, and i'm sitting here, wasting space, wasting air for nothing. i've been thinking about what i want to do. where i want to be. how i want to live. so far? i need a schedule. i am going to be a waitress. i am no longer going to major in art. i will not take generals next semester. i will apply for the study abroad program at bcc. i will take a pottery class. i will read more books. i will smile.

excursion

mmm hello dearies.
today, in a few minutes, i'm headed towards danielle's house.
this is my first major trip. EVER.
since my license. and EVER.
i'm pretty excited.
wish me luck!

oddsfish m'dear.

i keep seeing these flashes. these images. like, i'll look at something, all of the sudden, it'll turn into a line drawing, or blobs of color. or negative space.... what does that mean? i have no idea... sometimes, they'll turn into cartoons, like comic strips. my favorites are the stick figure ones.

it's loaded

i feel like giving up. i really, do not know how else to say it... i feel like... giving up. sunday, was such a good day, until night came around, and screwed everything up. then monday, was so awful... and today. i just can't bear today. i hate this cycle that i'm in. is the happy even worth having, if i know that there is a much larger darker force headed my way? last night i had a dream, one of those stress dreams, that i was trying to get caleigh from school... i worked there, and i had to talk to the principal. i couldn't find my way... what does that mean? is it symbolic of something? all i know is that sometime after 6 AM i kept waking up and going back to sleep waking up and going back to sleep, and i couldn't tell what was real...
i'm not happy. i feel like a burden, like some mistake of nature, i feel purposeless, and wrong... is this how things are supposed to work? is this how everyone feels?

future

this is my future puppy. so far, the only one in my family to disprove of this, is my mom... she is unhappy. but she has always been unhappy. so, i'm not really too worried about it. she just doesn't want to take care of it. which isn't really a problem... so :) if i can get a job.... dun dun dun!
i don't want to take this too lightly. this is another life. another soul. a companion... i don't want to undervalue it with my selfishness. so even though i would like this, i think i'm going to have a lot of soul searching and pondering to do first, before i make any rash decisions.

crying

lately, everything's been making me tear up. like, homework... or waking up. that stupid at&t commercial with the lost dog. everything...

sleeping

i should've gone to bed such a long time ago... i keep finding things to keep me busy. i need to make an envelope for this person, i need to put my flipflops away, i need to, i need to, i need to. ugh. today has been very very full... and i'm so exhausted. but i can't wind down yet. even though i want to.


on the bright side, i think i want a teacup yorkie puppy. since i've been dealing with my fear of dogs, i've actually come to like them, and this puppy, would be the perfect one for me. if i get a job, i think i'm going to see if the rents will let me get one. what would i name it? puppy. duh. :)
the more i think of about it, the more i like it.... :)

forsooth

i feel really unstable right now. like i'm suspended in slow motion... like nothing fits quite right. there are all of these things whirring around my head, and the colors are so bright... but there's no one to help me. there's no one to tell me where i should be. the ground keeps moving. and every step takes so much effort, as if every time i lift up my foot, a piece of my soul breaks. and i'm empty. i get that catch in my throat like i'm falling, i keep waiting to hit the ground, for things to get clear. for my eyes to stop burning. but things just keep getting worse and worse. i feel abandoned. i don't want to be alone, i'm so scared that you'll leave me... i need you to catch me. to hold me for a while. there's so much noise, and it's so loud but i can't hear. i feel like i'm doing something wrong. like my whole being isn't really worth anything at all. i keep tossing back and forth hoping that it's just tonight... that it's just this moment, and the next will be better, and i'll be able to breathe. but my mind just doesn't enjoy computing these possibilities. keeps throwing these things down and laughing at me... pointing. putting me on display and mocking my misery. stripping me of everything pure.

green monster

is it terrible of me to be jealous of my 9 year old sister? i look at her, and she's so gorgeous. even now. and i know, that when she gets older, she's going to be prettier than me. she's had a different life than me. i grew up and ate. i got fat. i got ugly. she grew up stable, she's skinny, and a bombshell.
it always happens... one sibling is always prettier than the other (unless they're twins) most of the time, it's the younger one... and i'm sad inside. when she meets boys and brings them over to the house, are they going to look at me and go "ew, that's your sister?!"
i'm upset. i know that this shouldn't matter to me, but it does. every girl has the desire to be "the pretty one"

"but what i lack in looks, i make up for in personality"
false.
i'm like a block of marble that no one bothered to shape, bold brittle and ugly.

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats

EMAIL!

currently, i'm listening to itunes, on shuffle. yes indeed. i'm procrastinating. tomorrow i need to give a speech on something that's important to me. an object. and it is very difficult. i went looking through my great big red box of memories today to see if i could get any ideas, and i found this note that nasha wrote me jr. year. in leadership bible class on the buliten board, they had this hang-a-line thing, where you could write little notes to people in different classes (or the same class) like a mini-mailbox. it was actually a lot of fun. and i wrote this note to nasha, it was a stickman or something, and she sent me this one back, haha, it is so hilarious. i opened it up and bursted out laughing :)

i know it's a little hard to see, but it's this face with the snot dripping down, and he's sticking his tongue out to lick it... haha, i know it's a bit juvenile, but it's so funny. especially when you're not expecting it :) it really made me miss her...

an eye for an eye

i am filled with a great sadness tonight. someone i love is hurting. and after so much time, i no longer have any answers. i am at a loss. how do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped? when this person has severed all ties with the outside. they have hurt me. they have hurt others. how much longer will i be forced to sit in silence? will it get to the point when i would rather watch them go through this suffering, instead of stepping in, and trying to share the burden. at what point do i become the cause? when i am no longer standing next to them, but instead standing on this bundle that they carry on their shoulders? what of the one who is the cause of their pain? are they not worth helping as well? is it truly natural to slander the one who causes pain? to forget their humanity? is there anyone who isn't worth saving? is it ever okay to say, "you are not worthy"?

birthday blues

today, i finally finished the project for peter's birthday. TADA! it's all wrapped up and ready to go. i think i'm going to send it out on wednesday. (no peeking!)
haha, and you can see my newly dyed hair... i said the last time, i was going to let it grow out. but the color faded, and my roots were showing. so i dyed it again. and the color was supposed to be a dark brown, but it turned into this weird dark purple color. but, you know, it doesn't look too bad. it's about the same shade as my sisters hair. so i figure, if this fades out too, maybe it will look like my hair again. and if not, maybe i should just look into some dye remover... or something of that nature.

this saturday, i went to church. there was this group singing, i don't remember what they're called, but there were 8 members. one of the tenors, his name is mr. voorhees, (i think) he's been trying to get me to sing up front for a while now, and i keep saying no... i'm not ready yet. but he asked me if i wanted to join this group. and maybe it was just the moment. but i had this very strong urge to be a part of something. to join, and sing, and go on tour again with a group. so i said yes. and now, i'm having second thoughts. the group thing, yes, i really would like to be a part of it again, but this message, this style. i don't know if i'm going to like it. but, we'll see. i'm going to try it out, maybe. i guess i'll just have to figure out if it's something that i want to do. if i can learn to enjoy it, or if it's just not for me... i like singing. i really do... i don't want that part of me to disappear. and i'm scared that it might. so what other option do i have really?

who am i

my dad asked me this question once. who are you carly? and i've pretty much been freaking out ever since. it sneaks up on me in the weirdest places. today i was browsing for netbooks. somewhere inside my head, is this idea that i don't like big things. i'm a minimalist. and i thought maybe a netbook would be better for me than this huge laptop. but then the questions came. am i mac or pc? would i be able to live without a disc drive? or would i prefer it? i got frustrated.
i think about this a lot. i feel so stuck at home. i got my license yesterday, and i've been waiting for the big revelation. i remember my brother telling me "after you get your license, you become so empowered. just the knowledge that you can now go wherever you want, whenever you want, is overwhelming. you finally are able to grasp the sense of freedom".
call me crazy, but i didn't know that freedom felt like emptiness.
i've been living with myself for the past 18 years, and if you were to ask me who i am. i wouldn't be able to tell you. am i fun and outgoing like brittani or nikki? or am i extremely musical and good at everything i touch like jeremy and justin? am i a green day loving incense burner like steevo? am i religious? am i cynical and sarcastic like my brother? do i try to find beauty, meaning, and acceptance in everything like peter and dan? am i interested in music and drawing like gabby? am i depressed like jacob? i don't know i don't know! but even if i were any of these things? i couldn't be. i would feel like by adopting any of these things, i would be stealing pieces of their souls.
i've been going to school, because that's what they said would be a good idea. and i hate it. what does that make me? i can't learn this way.
i feel really overwhelmed right now.... today, i stood in the shower, with my face directly under the water. and i was counting. i was counting to see how long i could hold my breath. counting to see how long it would take my face to get numb. how long before i could relax my muscles. how long before i needed to open my eyes. what it would feel like to breathe in. if that would drown me. how long it would be before i would want to step back.

lost

since i've been home, (since like june i guess) i've lost about 12 pounds. which! don't get me wrong, is fantastic.... but it's weird. i'm hungry, but when i try to eat, it's like i'm full, or nauseous or something. i don't know... the last time something like this happened, was my freshman year, and i ended up losing around 35 pounds... i don't know if that's going to happen again, and i kind of hope it doesn't.
i need to dye my hair again. my roots are showing through. :/

love languages.

my cat and i have been spending some quality time with each other lately. today i was sitting at my desk with my feet propped up on the top, and he came and jumped right in my lap. i was weirded out, because i wasn't so sure that he was going to be comfortable... but he camped out, and started purring away. it's a strange feeling knowing that there's another creature that depends on you for love and warmth. and of course the occasional scratch behind the ear. i've been noticing recently that physical touch has become more important to me lately. maybe that's just because i've been so deprived of it... fish isn't right down the hall anymore, we can't have our cryfests. i can't wake up in the morning walk over to gabby's room and just crawl into her bed... it was such a comfort to know that i could go and be near someone, not have to say anything, just bond. but i'm at home. and more or less, i'm alone. well, i was thinking about the love languages today. i remember i took the test once, and it said that my highest two were quality time, and physical touch. i went and looked at the test again today. i was really disappointed. it didn't seem like it would be very accurate. the questions did not disguise themselves very well. you could tell which one was which, and the test didn't cater to the idea that maybe someone was more than one. the test gives you two statements, and you are supposed to pick the one that describes you the best. the one that is true. one of the questions was
-i like it when you give me notes of affirmation
-i like it when you hug me
well, what if it's both? i do enjoy the occasional note. and i very much enjoy being hugged. how hard is it to tell that the first is words of affirmation and the second one is physical touch? but i have to pick just one. why would i be taking this test only to be giving myself the answer? i know what the five love languages are, and if the questions are so obvious, the answer that i pick would be the language that i want for my result. which... doesn't seem to be what a "test" is supposed to do.
i don't know... just silly little things i was thinking about today.
tomorrow is my sister's first day back to school. she's been talking to me more recently. it's strange... she's never done it before, but now she's been actually communicating. today she told me that she was excited to win the raccoon of the month award, but it would be her last time because she's in 4th and that's where the school ends.
i've been working on peter's birthday present today. i'm trying to get it all in the package so i can send it out. my fingers hurt from sewing.

crazy little thing

(image by (*negativefeedback)

plastic surgery

i was hoping, that by today, the worst of this silly little sickness would've been gone. so far, i'm still not feeling too good. you know, usually the sickness has a pre-day, then the worst day, then like one or two days of aftermath. right? that's usually how it works. and i was really hoping for just the one or two days of aftermath. but it's still going. it's just a little frustrating because my family has a very dairy based diet. and i've been stuck eating oatmeal and toast. which, don't get me wrong, is fabulous. but i want a little spice in my life :) that song keeps getting stuck in my head "'cause i'm under the weather, just like the world, so sorry for being so bold..." haha

today, i'm going to get my hair cut. seems odd right, since i'm trying to grow it out... but i want it to be healthy and happy, and fun. so it's just a trim to keep everything from going all crazy. it's weird though. i saw myself the other day, and my hair was behind my ears, and i just felt so weird. like i looked like my freshman and sophomore self. and i didn't like it. i'm sort of thinking maybe i shouldn't grow my hair out too much. i like it right now. and maybe after cutting it i'll think differently. i don't know. we'll see.

wanted

well. class has started. this is what i wanted right? this is how i have set up my life. or... not set up my life. i guess, in a way, i just wait until people make my decisions for me. should i try and correct that? and still. all of this feels so incredibly unreal. like it isn't even happening. this is how i feel most of the time. like i'm stuck in the second dimension. i know that there is a "past" and a "future" but it doesn't really affect me. i can't see it. it's not happening. but i know. it's just not registering. i was hoping that by going to school it would all somehow just snap back into place. and i would be able to find my way back into the third dimension. but so far, i'm just frustrated. and annoyed that i need to be doing homework. and writing papers about the epistemological issues of history. is this really what i need to do? i've been waiting for something to bring me up and out of this whatever it is that i'm in. i thought this was it. but now, it just seems like it's going to freak out on me.



oh. and i think i might need glasses.

sick

ugh... okay guys.
i feel awful. i don't have a significant temp. it's a little under 100. my eyes are burning. i get dizzy when i stand up. and my whole body pretty much aches.
what is that? is there a name for that?
well. whatever it is
i have it.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ouch

back in the day, when i was a youngster, i used to get these leg pains when i went to sleep. my dad attributed them to my growing. you know? the normal growing pains? well. they sucked. and i hated them. it's like this weird achy sort of thing. moving doesn't really make it worse. but it doesn't help. and it keeps me up at night. so at hmm 5 in the morning. guess what's keeping me awake? yep. they still happen every once in a while. so i've been tossing and turning for a while. but i finally gave in and took some med.s and hopefully i'm able to conk out soon. i'm so sleepy.

german chocolate cake

so, tonight i was feeling a little down. i went out to shop rite. bought me some ingredients. and made FROM SCRATCH this three layered german chocolate cake. i started around 11:30, and i am now finally finished dishes and everything at 2:28. i made the cake batter, and the frosting. and how does it look? it looks like i made it at 2 in the morning. ah, but how does it taste? magnificent. i am actually pretty proud of myself. it's not too bad for my first try. it would look better, but the cake stuck to the pan. so i had to do a little bit of fancy work in order to get it to come out. which is why it looks so funny. but i trimmed up the edges. and voila. yummy delicious cake. and now. it's time to sleep :)

grey

today, i saw the new tab title on my firefox browser. it said untitled. i wanted to cry. as silly as it sounds. i just had this overwhelming feeling. this little catch in my throat.

i've been really happy lately. the kind of happy that sneaks up unexpectedly. but now it's the weekend. this time that is sort of predetermined to be sad.

i've been thinking a lot about god lately. i realized that most of the time, when i have been discussing things with religious people, they tend to like the idea of miracles, but despise the idea of fate. i realized a while ago, that i really do like the idea of fate. this principle that some things were just meant to be. (it doesn't make me feel as bad for making mistakes) it comforts me a little to think that there are some things that i just can't control.

i went to bcc today. i went in on tuesday to buy my books for my classes, and to apply for on campus jobs. i found all of the books. and then walked down to the hall towards the career services department. they gave me this pamphlet and a flier that said i needed to fill out my fafsa, sign up on this website, and come back between the hours of 9 and 4 on friday (today) so on wednesday, i signed up for the website (and had to make a resume - very frustrating especially when you've worked with bma and are not exactly quite sure how to describe working any of those jobs i.e. industry) so i've been anticipating today, because i'm not really sure what i am supposed to be expecting from this "meeting" with career services. so today, i went down to the office, and they told me that i needed a form from financial aid. which is upstairs. so i went up there, signed in. and waited. they called my name, and told me that i had signed into the wrong sign in form. and politely pointed me towards the correct form. so i signed in over there, and waited for them to call my name. after around twenty minutes or so, i was called up. and in order to get started, i needed to change my major from "undecided" to whatever, so i had to fill out this form, and get it authorized by this other counter department. so i went over there, talked with the guy, and he said he would take care of it. so i went back, and the woman who was helping me tried to continue with the process, but the guy never put the form into the computer, so it was a little interesting watching everyone interact with each other tyring to figure out what happened. finally, everything worked out, i got my piece of paper, and went back down to career services. i walked in the door and then was told that i needed to wait until i could be helped. so i sat down. and waited some more. until Stuart Keen (the head honcho of career services) called me over to the desk. he was so nice, he asked me about my major, and even found out that there is an opening with the art gallery in mount holly and he told me how to get in contact with them, and two other departments in order to see if i would be able to get a job. and i don't know. by the end of everything. i was really excited. i took my sister to walmart. (she wanted rocks) and then came home, and called two of the three departments in order to see if they would consider me for the position. the gallery, (so awesome) and the library. no one answered though, so i left messages. BUT that's okay. i'm going to send them my unofficial application on that weird website that i had to sign up for. oh joy.

classes start on wednesday. i have ancient medieval foundations, public speaking, and intro to art. turns out, wednesdays are my busiest. mondays and fridays follow wednesdays schedule without the intro to art. and tuesdays and thursdays i have psych. so sometime, i'm going to need to set up a time to take my online anthropology course.
i'm not really all that nervous anymore. i just kind of want to start. and officially end my summer. summers been great don't get me wrong! okay yeah, just kidding... summer's kinda sucked. but there were good things about it. *wink wink*

(i have this little schedule for the classes, they're in different blocks of color. i put ancient medieval foundations in brown. because that's how it makes me feel. clearly, i need some better ways to spend my time)

rainbows and butterflies

today! i feel good.
i am happy.
i think i might have figured out what i want to do. not for the rest of my life silly. but for a good portion of my future. actually not really even that. have any guesses? hmm. i think i'm just going to be severely unclear about everything. i really really really hope that everything works out. andrews is a no-go. i've decided that. i just can't do it. i don't have any money. nor will i have any money by the time that i wish to go and live up these glorious plans of mine. and i am okay with that. it was one of those unatainable goals. i should go for short term instead of long term right. which really doesn't make any sense seeing as how my next plan is not any less grand. ah. but for the day. for this day, i am quite content with how everything is going. i got to talk with peter tonight and share :D i miss him.
tomorrow. i embark to the dentist.
i am scared.
i know, that there is nothing to worry about. except that there could be something horribly wrong with my dental hygiene. i hope not. i do what they tell me, but i guess my teeth are sort of the rebels... they wear all black and spikey chains. and sometimes they even dye their hair... for shame. (that was a joke.) for some reason, there is always something wrong when i go in for these check-ups. so tonight, i hope that i am able to SLEEP. without too much stress.
tomorrow is a big day.

i keep writing, but i don't really have anything to say. except that for the first time in i don't know how long. i am actually happy. and i want to share with you. and maybe i can make you smile too.

tripple coconut cream pie

i was watching the food channel last night. just because. and there was this clip, of this yummy looking tripple coconut cream pie. they put toasted coconut and white chocolate shavings on top of it. AND i would've looked away. to spare myself the torment of not being able to go and try a piece. BUT THEN THEY SAID IT WAS IN NEW JERSEY! so i kept watching. and then i googled it. sigh. it's only 40 minutes away. and i want to go so bad! i went on their website, and there was this happy little "as seen on food network" badge of honor. people. i have an addiction. i would've ordered a whole pie. but they didn't tell me how much it cost. so i opted for waiting until i can drive there and indulge.
the other day, i finally found my coconut m&m's. they are so good. i was telling myself that they weren't going to be that great because i was hoping that they might be able to surprise me. i have a bag waiting for me in my room. for rainy days. (or whenever.)

i painted my toe nails today. why? because i can't let go of this stupid part of my life. and i'm wearing slippers because i don't want to look at them. ridiculous right?

i have the munchies.

letters to the editor.

i hate that sometimes you look at me like i'm the scum of the earth. like it's somehow my fault for being born. like you have some deep seated hatred for me. but you never say anything about it at all. i'm supposed to guess how i'm making you feel. and then there are other times, when you play nice. but only because you want something. i'm sick of these games that we play. i'm tired of feeling like i'm not good enough for you. maybe you should've used a condom.

nightmare

does it count if it's about the dentist?
last night i had a dream that my teeth started to fall out.
is that ridiculous?
i don't know. it really freaked me out.
i hate going to the dentist.

i was with a whole bunch of people that i didn't know. and for
some reason, my hair was long again. (yay)
we were at my house. and my mom was trying to clean.
but we were all there, and trying to find someone.
i don't remember why.
but my mouth started to feel funny.
like back in the day when your tooth was loose. and all you
had to do was wiggle it back and forth and then bam. there it goes.
well, it was like that, except all of my teeth. and none
of them were coming out. they were
all just wiggling around.
and i started freaking out.
i was panicky.
and then, one by one... they just, broke off
but it was way worse than i remember.
(although, my teeth fell out at different
times, not all at once.)
there was blood, and the nerves on the inside of my teeth
were still attached. and they hurt. they hurt so bad. but
i had to rip them out. and i was bleeding, and crying. and
it was just awful.
and then it all stopped.
and i was in the dentist chair
waiting for new teeth.
all of the people who were at my house
decided to donate a tooth for me.
but my dentist was drunk. and
he put the novicane in his arm.
and he started operating on me anyway.


that's when i woke up. haha
i don't know... i hate this dream.
it's not one of those recurring things.
but i have had dreams where my teeth have
fallen out before...
i'm really just weirded out
i'm going to the dentist on tuesday.
my teeth feel like their loose.
i know they're not.
(i tested... haha)
but i still feel like at some point
i'm going to need to tear them out
i hope today gets better :/

damien

"we drive her 'round and she drives us wild."
i'm back here. i'm back to the point where i don't want to wake up. last night i went to bed. and it took me a good 20 minutes. i kept waking up during the night. and now, this morning. i don't know what to do with myself. it's hard to have a purposeless life. i keep reminding myself that everything will get better in september. because then, i'll be going to school. and everything will work out. and all of this ridiculous funk will be gone. right?
i don't know... i just don't know. i feel really helpless.
"and i know i make you cry, i know sometimes you wanna die, but do you really feel alive without me."

beautiful boyz

i know i know. another song? really? yes. this song is so amazing. i couldn't help but listen to it with my eyes closed. i could feel the tears trying to come down. and ever since, it's been stuck in my head. just floating around, latching itself onto me.
beautiful boyz by cocorosie.

STOP

i don't want you to ask me how you can make me a happier person. or how to make me calm down, or how to make me stop freaking out. i don't want you to "make me" do anything... i feel like you're mocking me. like it's just a game. like none of this is a big deal, and i'm an idiot for being upset. i'll be okay if you don't understand. but at least have the gall to say "i don't understand" don't laugh at me.
what i want. is for someone to just come and sit with me. to just come hold me for a while, and tell me it's okay if i want to cry.

i keep thinking about this conversation that i had with pooper a while ago. we were talking about why he doesn't like make up. he says he would enjoy getting to know the "real" person, rather than the fake one.
we all have our different reasons for covering up our "natural beauty" but he said if the reason we're hiding ourselves is because we don't like what's underneath, then there's a problem...
i've been thinking about that a lot.
and maybe the issue isn't whether or not i know myself. but instead, it's if i like myself.
and the only answer i've come up with is
no.
no i don't.

hah.

today has been pretty slow. caleigh got frustrated with me because i wanted her to go outside... and chad left for work... so.
i was getting ready to take caleigh on a bike ride, and this guy "dan" rings the doorbell. so i go outside, (mind you, i'm in a tank top and shorts. i haven't even taken a shower yet, so i'm all grungy looking. the front lawn has dismembered tree in it. pretty much. i'm gross.) and he starts telling me about how the government is going to give me money if i decide to renovate my house.... hmm... he kept trying to tactfully ask me when it would be a good time to set up a meeting with my family... i felt bad. because i think i got him in trouble with his boss. (he put me on the phone with him, to talk about estimates...) i really wasn't interested in what he had to say. and i kept feeling like he was trying to flirt with me. he was all smiley and small talk-y "nice weather we're having huh?" "uhm, yeah i guess, i think it looks like it's going to rain today though" haha.. it was weird.... i didn't like it. but he left. and HEY it's raining...

realization

i'm really glad that today happened. i guess lately, i haven't really been feeling like me. i've been stuck in this land of purposelessness and doubt. and just scary thoughts. and i've been here pretty much since i came back from connecticut. i hate feeling useless... and i'm thinking that maybe i'm finally snapping out of whatever funk i've been in.

maybe i was just depressed. i don't know. i don't like saying that though. because usually people go to extremes. but really, depression is having 4 or more of these symptoms every day for 2 weeks.

* Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (i.e., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite
* Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) nearly every day
* Feeling restless or sluggish to the point that others notice
* Fatigue or loss of energy
* Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
* Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
* Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal thoughts without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
(so says http://www.abilify.com/depression/about/about-living-with-depression.aspx?TC=95995&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=research&utm_term=depression&utm_content=rsymptom_textad_about-living-with-depression_text_tc95995)

but it's only been a week. and now i'm feeling okay. so does it not count? or am i just saying depression, because i don't know what else to call it? but really, this has been off and on pretty much all summer. what the heck is happening?

ugh, well whatever it is. hopefully it's over.

project

i keep getting the feeling that, soon... i won't be able to work on all of the projects that i would really like to complete. all that i have now, are these stupid little gifts, and surprises that i'm trying to organize. and soon, school is going to start. i'm full time. and dad's trying to set me up with a crazy full time job as a file finding interny type deal at a lawyers office. but i get to wear dressy clothes and talk to people who probably won't remember my name the next time they ask me for something. am i getting to cynical? i'm trying to stay positive. i'm trying to enjoy these days. i'm trying. i really am.

honestly. i don't have anything to complain about. nothing at all. i'm just trying to remind myself that whatever is happening in this silly little life of mine, doesn't really matter... there are people who have worse things happening to them. the complaining should be their luxury. i should be listening. trying to help. instead of wallowing in this stupid little depression of mine. i hate feeling like a selfish little pig.

oink oink

they call me tater salad.

i've been feeling rather paralyzed lately. like i can't do anything. or i shouldn't even try to do anything. i was sitting in my room this morning. just sitting. i was in the chair. staring at the wall. just.. there. it took me a minute to snap out of whatever zone i was in. but the thoughts in that zone. were not good. and it's taken me pretty much all day to dwell on other things.
am i just unmotivated? is everything going to get better once school starts? is it just today?
i have no passion for anything right now... all of the things that i enjoy doing. or that i did enjoy doing, i don't anymore. being home, just drains me of everything good and beautiful. i'm getting so frustrated with myself. i don't feel like i know who i am anymore. i feel so empty.

i've been cooking lately. and by lately i mean. today and yesterday. and by cooking i mean, salads. i made a pasta salad last night. and a potato salad today. it's been really calming. for those times. and i figure. there are worse things, i could be spending my time on. and if i'm going to feel fat and ugly. i might as well know what's getting me there.

ten.

this is my list.

1. "i love you, i don't want you to be like me"
2. you care more about imaginary things than you do about your family
3. all of these silly little escapades are hurting the one's you claim to love.
4. i'm sorry
5. you deserve so much more
6. don't you ever touch me again
7. i've always been there for you. and the one time i needed you, you bailed
8. i still haven't forgiven you
9. there is no rock. there is no hard place. everyone has problems. suck it up and deal
10. thank you

grumble grumble

i went out to tell my dad that i wanted to get my ears pierced today. and it turned into this huge argument. i wanted to invite him to share this experience with me. i have been thinking about doing this for a long time. i researched the pro's and con's. and really, i wanted this as my right of passage. i want to commemorate this time period in my life. it's important to me. so i told him. and he was like well you know it's related to idolatry right? and i was like, well, from what i found out, the reasons that people got their ears pierced was to signify their attachment to something. so i guess if you wanted to say that, fine. but that's not the reason why i want to do it. and he just exploded. it turned into this huge thing. at first he said that he didn't have a problem with it. and then he started berating me and comparing me to the people of sodom, because i want to get a hole in my ear? to me, this doesn't seem like it is that big of a deal. i feel like people would probably judge me more for buying cars and boats, and motorcycles more than for wearing some metal in my ear. but it's like it wasn't even a discussion anymore, it was a "i'm going to yell at you because you're too stupid to know any better" when i get into these fights with my dad, he throws out the "you don't understand" card a lot. like i'm undeniably ignorant. and i tried to tell him that he was just making me upset, and i tried to stand my ground. and i tried to bring it back to a conversation. but he wouldn't listen. so i walked away. and he started yelling at me about how walking away from my problems is just going to hurt me for the rest of my life. "is that what you're going to do? just run away?". yes. it is what i'm going to do. i'm running away. not from confrontation. but from you. he stopped me by the door and i wouldn't listen. i had had enough. i tried to tell him that this isn't anything new. that we fight like this all the time. and i always feel like he's not listening. like what i have to say isn't important... he said it was my fault. maybe it is...

hah. so he just came to my room, and tried to have a normal conversation about all of this. and he said he didn't like making me upset. which i appreciated. and we started talking again (stupid stupid) at the end of it. he walked away turning me into a monster.

maybe i am. maybe i should just hide away for the rest of my life. he's always comparing me to my mother. maybe i should just give up.

i was thinking about how they say that god is supposed to be like you're father. maybe that's why i'm angry with him right now. because i'm scared that i'll tell him something. and he'll make me feel stupid and small. i don't want god to be my father. i don't. i want him to be a friend. but right now... i don't know if i even want that. most of my friends are turning out to be something other than what i thought.

i just feel really trapped

best day ever?

after spending like, 5 days camping on the beach, what's the one thing chad wants to do when i come home? build a super-mega-awesome sea turtle, that's what. and actually, even though i'm not extrememly fond of the beach, i was excited about this excursion. we left home at around 4 something, and we spent from 5 until 6:40 working on this thing. it was really cute to see all of the little kids walking by and being all, woah mom! look at that! so... this is the final project. fun right?

pretty much right after we finished the turtle, chad had been in the water. i decided that i would.. not. haha. but we left, i drove. and we got home. caleigh had her friend yanna over, and so dad drove up to trenton to drop her off at home right? well, chad and i decided to go out to Anapays. the creepy diner like 4 miles away from our house. so we took the brown buick, and we went down. this is us right outside of the diner. awe. aren't we siblings...

so, after we finished eating, at like 10. we set out on our way home. we had a little trouble starting it in the parking lot, and when we got about 3 and something miles away from home, it just stopped working. the engine was still on, but chad couldn't get any more power to the engine. so we pulled over, and pushed it off to a location where it wouldn't get hit by unsuspecting travelers. and we had to walk. dad was still in trenton, and mom was at work. so chad and i started our lonely treck down the dark and creepy roads of new jersey. we had been walking for like a minute or two, and this car stopped next to us and the guy inside asked us if we wanted a ride. and of course chad was like, "no thanks, we're okay"... haha. i would've said yes. i trust people. chad does not. but whatever. it was good bonding time. i tell you though, it's creepy walking at night in nj. i kept thinking that maybe someone would jump out with an ax and we'd be done for. but that's just because i've seen way too many scary movies...
and when i got home. i got to talk to peter for a while. :) joy.

hmm... and about the previous week of connecticut. let's just say i don't feel like talking about it. it did not go well. but today did. :D even the walking. and the two blisters on my feet now... haha. life is good.