present face

my dad was really excited when chad was born. there are all of these pictures of the two of them playing together, and just hanging out. they had a good 3 years of play time. when everything was going good. when i was born, my dad was just starting his teaching career. which is when all of the bad things started happening. i don't really remember my childhood very much. there are bits and pieces... i remember having dreams that i was a princess, and that i could fly. that i was an explorer, and would go traipsing through the woods. i don't remember being scared of anything. i liked to climb on things, and play with my teddy bears. and the neighbor. but when i went to school, i started to freak out, because my dad would drop me off in the preschool room. and then kindergarten. i was so scared that he wasn't going to come back. there was nap time, and i almost never had my blanket and pillow, because i was scared i would forget them, and they wouldn't be at home with me. so i had to sleep on the blue cot. i don't remember liking nap time very much. there was one time, i was walking around the school, and i couldn't find my dad, i started bawling. and running around... and i was so scared. because he wasn't there. then we moved. i don't really remember very much about nebraska. there was childrens church, and it was cold... there was lots of corn. and there was a boy, evan, who sat across from me, who made fun of me. then we moved again. this time to tennessee.... up until this point, i don't remember spending time with either of my parents. my mom was always, football. and my dad just... didn't. he got mad at me a lot. or at least, i felt like he got mad at me. he would take me shopping. chad and i got a dollar for each year. we would go to walmart. i remember the most about tennessee... dad would take us to thrift stores. most of the time, i was really scared of him... i had my first boyfriend, and my first kiss when i was in third grade. my mom found out i had a boyfriend and was like, oh how cute. and told all of the relatives. then when they found out that i kissed him. they flipped out. my dad yelled at me for the longest time. he told me that i was going to be a slut and having sex and a loose dirty woman by the time i was 13. so i stopped talking to him. and then caleigh was born. i remember feeling like my parents loved chad more than me, because he didn't have to change the poop diapers. and then dad lost his teaching job. so he started working at papa johns. he would go out, and on thursdays he would bring chad and i a pizza while we were babysitting caleigh. but then papa johns wasn't enough, and the science teacher at gsa died. so he went to fill in up there. he would drive up, and live with my grandparents. while we stayed at home. he would come back like once every three weeks or so. and we thought that things might be okay, and that gsa would hire him. but they didn't. we ended up moving in with my grandparents while dad was looking for a new house. we've been here ever since. i remember eavesdropping on all of my parents conversations... they were always stressed out. they were always freaking out.... there was this atmosphere that the world is against us. that the adventists were against us. i remember being really mean to my brother. i didn't understand why he was the cool one. why he never had any problems. and i was getting yelled at.