who knows

i don't. this week has been going by really quickly... i'm not sure why. but i haven't really gotten sad or anything since my concert. i've just been living. okay, wait. i take that back. haha, i've been stressing out, because my parents need money. but they're saving up for me to go to college next semester. and they kind of have the attitude of, well if she doesn't want it, we don't have to give it to her. which would be fine, and in fact, that is what i told them for THIS semester. however. now that i have gotten a chance to think about what i really want to experiment with, i'm liking the idea, and i'm excited about going. i'm even playing with the idea of going into music performance. (maybe it's just on a whim, or because i talked with mr. flores, or because i saw andrew bird, or because i haven't sung in forever. i have no idea what the reason is. but right now, i really don't care. i want to take some music classes). everything is just so weird right now. my mom is mad at me. and i can understand. she's worried that i'm going to have some superabnormal influence on caleigh, and she's worried that she'll need to deal with two of us. so she's trying to force me to go to church. i'm just so tired of this. all of yesterday and the night before, i was trying to think of ways that i could move out, and go live my life. away from them. they're stressing me out. they're mad because i don't want to be a successful businesswoman. they're mad because i don't tell them when i make plans. they're mad because i don't feel like going to church. they're mad because i wanted earrings. they're mad because i work friday nights. they're just angry at me. all the time. if they don't want me here. it's okay. i can leave. i have no problem going somewhere else. i wouldn't mind paying them rent if i had to, and started living out in the garage (oooh but then chad and danielle's honeymoon suit would be gone... :P) it's not hard for me to see why they are particularly aggrivated. but at the same time. i really can't. they're frustrated because they want me to make money, and they want to see me loving adventism, and being a good influence to their 9 year old daughter. and right now, i can accept that getting a degree in something would really be helpful. and even if i only get one in liberal arts, at least i'll have something. but the truth is, i don't want to make vast amounts of money. i really don't. and i don't want to be adventist. i don't want to go to church. caleigh will need to make these choices someday for herself. right now, she's near that age when she's going to go to the extreme "do the right thing" phase, like we all did. but then after that, she's going to ask questions, like we all did. they can't protect her from my choices forever. the funny thing is. i have logical explanations... like when i wanted to get my ears pierced. i researched it. the main reason people pierced them back in the day, was so that they could belong to something a person, an idea, what have you. but i wanted to mark my journey, with this symbol. symbols are important to me. they're not important to anyone else in my family. i would talk to them, but they're just going to rip off the celing like they did the last time, and the time before that, and the time before that.... i know it must be hard for them. i symbolize everthing that they hate. i'm an environmentalist wacko, a hethen who refuses to see the light, one of those high school graduates, who will never amount to anything. they talk about these people all the time. whenever there's a story in the newspaper, they sit around and attack these people. but i'm one of them. and they can't stand it. honestly... i don't know what to do anymore. i'm constantly surrounded by people who hate me.