the freshman 15

everyone says that how much you weigh doesn't matter. the pounds are relative to your height, and your bone structure. and all of that good stuff. and even though they say that.... it's still one of those "problem" area's for me. i remember when i was in 6th grade, i was heavier than all of the 8th grade girls, (even though there were only like 5 of them) i was so ashamed. and so embarrassed... and of course, when i went to bma, all of my friends were smaller, shorter, cuter, funner than me. it's so strange to sit there, and watch people complain about how they're 110 lbs. how they would die if they ever gained weight. my feshman year, i was 182. girls are supposed to be small, and cute. they are not supposed to weigh more than their boyfriend. but then i lost weight. and i was normal. but still not small... part of the dorming experience is getting to borrow clothes from other people. getting to share. getting to switch it up every once in a while. it stinks when all of your friends can do it. but you can't. and if you tried you'd look like a whale. there's this little corner in the back of my mind that says, anything over 120 is fat. is disgusting. is painful to look at. and i know. that no one will care about what you look like as long as you are comfortable with yourself. as long as you love yourself. everyone will see your natural beauty. blah blah blah. no. i feel like thumbalina trapped in an ogre. (om nom nom)
i keep losing weight. i've lost 3 more pounds... and i know it's not healthy. and i know that i should focus on maintaining. and i should try to eat three meals a day instead of 1 1/2... and i know, that i should just be happy with myself. but every time i step on the scale, and see that i've lost another pound i can't help but think, yes. and i can't help but be happy.
i've tried to be objective. but every time i look in the mirror, all i see is fat fat fat. (but carly, maybe you should stay away from mirrors then) MY WHOLE HOUSE IS A MIRROR. but it's not just the mirrors... i feel fat. i feel bloated and gross.
there are times when i wake up, and glance at myself, and i feel so disgusted... so upset...