one of them.

i don't like going to sleep, because i'm scared i'll wake up and i won't remember. like i'm the sand at the ocean, and overnight, the water comes and steals my little pieces away. it's already happening... i feel as if i'm missing a part of me. everytime i wake up. i just want it to stop. things happen.... and then the next morning, i feel like i'm a million years ahead, and i can't remember how i felt, or what i did. i can't remember bma. i'm forgetting everyone else... and i can't help but think... maybe if i stay awake, they'll stay with me too, and i won't need to be afraid. there are so many things that i thought were important to me, but.... they just aren't anymore... they say the calm before the storm right? well, if that's true. i don't EVER want to be calm... i don't want to be happy, if this is what's coming next... today, i just feel wrong.... everything is off, and i can't fix it. i don't want to wake up, if i have to struggle for my existance every morning... sometimes, i think god's just playing a big joke on me... and someday, he's going to come, and say that i didn't try hard enough, or i didn't want to live bad enough... and i'm not going to be able to say otherwise.