STOP

i don't want you to ask me how you can make me a happier person. or how to make me calm down, or how to make me stop freaking out. i don't want you to "make me" do anything... i feel like you're mocking me. like it's just a game. like none of this is a big deal, and i'm an idiot for being upset. i'll be okay if you don't understand. but at least have the gall to say "i don't understand" don't laugh at me.
what i want. is for someone to just come and sit with me. to just come hold me for a while, and tell me it's okay if i want to cry.

i keep thinking about this conversation that i had with pooper a while ago. we were talking about why he doesn't like make up. he says he would enjoy getting to know the "real" person, rather than the fake one.
we all have our different reasons for covering up our "natural beauty" but he said if the reason we're hiding ourselves is because we don't like what's underneath, then there's a problem...
i've been thinking about that a lot.
and maybe the issue isn't whether or not i know myself. but instead, it's if i like myself.
and the only answer i've come up with is
no.
no i don't.