grumble grumble

i went out to tell my dad that i wanted to get my ears pierced today. and it turned into this huge argument. i wanted to invite him to share this experience with me. i have been thinking about doing this for a long time. i researched the pro's and con's. and really, i wanted this as my right of passage. i want to commemorate this time period in my life. it's important to me. so i told him. and he was like well you know it's related to idolatry right? and i was like, well, from what i found out, the reasons that people got their ears pierced was to signify their attachment to something. so i guess if you wanted to say that, fine. but that's not the reason why i want to do it. and he just exploded. it turned into this huge thing. at first he said that he didn't have a problem with it. and then he started berating me and comparing me to the people of sodom, because i want to get a hole in my ear? to me, this doesn't seem like it is that big of a deal. i feel like people would probably judge me more for buying cars and boats, and motorcycles more than for wearing some metal in my ear. but it's like it wasn't even a discussion anymore, it was a "i'm going to yell at you because you're too stupid to know any better" when i get into these fights with my dad, he throws out the "you don't understand" card a lot. like i'm undeniably ignorant. and i tried to tell him that he was just making me upset, and i tried to stand my ground. and i tried to bring it back to a conversation. but he wouldn't listen. so i walked away. and he started yelling at me about how walking away from my problems is just going to hurt me for the rest of my life. "is that what you're going to do? just run away?". yes. it is what i'm going to do. i'm running away. not from confrontation. but from you. he stopped me by the door and i wouldn't listen. i had had enough. i tried to tell him that this isn't anything new. that we fight like this all the time. and i always feel like he's not listening. like what i have to say isn't important... he said it was my fault. maybe it is...

hah. so he just came to my room, and tried to have a normal conversation about all of this. and he said he didn't like making me upset. which i appreciated. and we started talking again (stupid stupid) at the end of it. he walked away turning me into a monster.

maybe i am. maybe i should just hide away for the rest of my life. he's always comparing me to my mother. maybe i should just give up.

i was thinking about how they say that god is supposed to be like you're father. maybe that's why i'm angry with him right now. because i'm scared that i'll tell him something. and he'll make me feel stupid and small. i don't want god to be my father. i don't. i want him to be a friend. but right now... i don't know if i even want that. most of my friends are turning out to be something other than what i thought.

i just feel really trapped