i just spent the last half hour or so watching some of andrew birds live performances. i can't sleep. so i decided to do something worth while with my time...

also, i have embraced my new hair cut... i still think it looks ugly, but there isn't a single thing that i can do about that, so i've decided to let it go.

my dad gave me a stack of information today about different bike trails in new jersey. i think he might finally be starting to get into the idea. which is good. and i found out that a church member of ours might have a bike that i can borrow. and then i won't have to go and buy one... so i will be contacting them shortly.

there was some light banter tonight regarding visiting the flea market tomorrow. i would really like to go. truthfully.
it has been a really long time since i visited last. i would like to go.

sometime by the end of this year, i would like to be able to say that i am not a pessimist.

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

i know i don't want it, i know i don't want it
i know i don't want it...

i feel baited in a way.
the other night, we talked
because i'm an idiot
and i still want to feel like someone
cares about me
it was both good and bad...
good because i needed to tell him
the truth.
bad, because now i'm not really sure what
to think about it..
about any of it.
i know it's wrong. i know it's wrong!
but he's so convincing when he wants to be..
and i'm not sure if im willing to walk away
but i need to.
and i have.
but it still hurts..
mostly because i DON'T want to
and he's leaving these little messages everywhere
i don't even know if they're for me..
probably not.. but i want them to be.
i want things to be different
i want him to be different.

ugh. i hate this...
i do, i hate all of it
i hate sitting here
crying over something that's never going to get
fixed....
i hate wanting it to be fixed...
i hate hating it...

i just want it all..to go away
to just leave. but then, i don't
because i don't want him to go away.
it's not his fault.

today

i got my hair cut... badly

i should have asked
for a trim.
but not a cut...
so now my hair is horribly mutilated
and there's not a single thing that i can do about it

i just spent 2 hours in the bathroom trying to fix it...
no such luck.

i look, and feel like the swamp monster from the deep....

frustrated

we share because we want to be seen.
so that we can meet and discover one another.
then why are we all
ignoring each other

broken

i am sad today because im tired... and because i just broke my incense burner... (how do you break an incense burner?)

but i'm working on isaac's unicorn
and i'm very antsy... so it is hard to focus

reflections

those who find a dress that they absolutely love
should buy it before too much time elapses
instead of waiting for another dress that will not come

those who do not heed this warning, will find that
the first dress will be on back order until june.
and this shopper, will be screwed.

i did it

today i biked
google maps it haha
i went 5.7 miles
which isn't a big accomplishment

but i think it really was the
bike that screwed me up before.
or maybe i just worked through the kinks

well anyways, im excited because
todays looking like a good day
haha, i vaguely remember talking to peter this morning
(sorry i wasn't more awake)
i made my brother a really good omelet for lunch
except it was more like... scrambled omelet...haah
but, he liked it so that was good
and i just went 5.7 miles
without any fatigue of limbs
or... mind
im rather happy

also

my pillow case smells like cake.
yum

i love

going on deviant art and searching for things in traditional art.
there are so many different styles it fills my heart with happiness

words from the wise? ie my brother haha

"Life sucks carly, you're going to need to do things that you don't want to do. that's what life is. Your life isn't defined by what sucks, your life is defined by what you do to make it NOT suck. And if you don't know how to tell me what you want, then you probably don't know what you want yet."

last one for tonight

so, my brother found this story about how, in mt. holly nj. (a town about 10 minutes away from us) around the 1700's there was this whole witch scandal. the towns people threw this witch into a well because...well, they thought she was a witch. so, they threw her into this well, and it was said that at night they could hear her screaming to get out or something... so in order to get away from this, they built a little four walled ... thing.... to encapsulate her. but young kids would go up to it and knock on the door, and of course they would swear that they could hear her knock back.
apparently there is this table in the middle of the woods close to this little "house" there's this legend that it was a witches alter, and underneath the new jersey devil is chained up, and at night, if you put your ear next to it, you can hear the chains rattle because he wants to escape.
this whole thing by the way is in the middle of a cemetery and it started because there is this tombstone right at the front of the cemetery, and it says something like, this is the fate of those who forsake god. and apparently some guy wrote a story about it, and signed it benjamin franklin.
later though, they decided that the story was false, and it really wasn't ben.

so of course my brother found this little tid bit of information and what do we do?
we go and find it...
or try anyways. my brother, dad, nikki and i all went out to the cemetery where this is all supposed to revolve around. of course it is uber late into the evening. so we turn the car off. very scary... ugh. and we start looking around.
we never found the tombstone, or the little mausoleum type object with the witch in it... but we did find the witches alter...
it was like 4 ft. high and 8 ft. wide
it had holy holy holy carved into it, and two benches on either side.
and of course chad lifted me onto it, and tried to sacrifice me (while i'm freaking out)
haha, good times?
there was also this wooden stump, next to it, that is supposed to be part of the original scaffold? is that the right word? where they hung the witches...

so, all in all, tonight was pretty weird...

andrew bird update

i did it
i sent him his letter today.
and i'm so undeniably freaked out it's not even funny
all of these worst case scenarios keep popping through my head
like,
what happens if the address i sent it to, since it most obviously
is not his personal address...
decides to be angry because i sent it there, instead of the
obviously unattainable actual address.
so they throw it away or something.
(in order to at least cushion their anger a bit, i wrote a little note on the back that said something like, im sorry if this isn't the right address, can you pass it to him please? i hope you have a good day...)

i think maybe i would rather give it to him in person
than send it to some unknown address
and hope that fate decides to shine for once...

actually scratch that... i probably wouldn't give it to him at
all if i saw him in person, maybe this is the best way

or maybe it isn't, seeing as how right after i dropped it into the mail
box, i wanted to yank it out and rip the whole think into a bunch of little pieces

i felt like a thirteen year old drooling after the backstreet boys..
except that's not really how i feel about him at all
somehow, sending "fan-mail" puts me into that category though

sigh... haha :)

doesn't make any sense... sorry

we lock them away
and tell them not to scream
or he'll come to find them
by all means.
"he'll hunt you down
to make you pay
bite off your feet if you
try to stray."
sooner than later they start
to wonder if there's anything more
than these nights of hunger
they reach through the bars with
their tears full of wonder
while the restless vagabonds
tread through the gardens
ignoring the warnings of the
earlier wanderer.
they're flying the kite of
their muffled excuses
stomped by their shoes
with their thick-souled abuses
is this how it feels when we abandon our hope
when we trample through the ground
of the cemetery beds
the soft ground that we tread
confusing our senses
when we can no longer tell
between body and ground
we dread, their red
the sound the sound
of bones crunching beneath
the piles of shame
under our feet
while the long matted hair gets
stuck in our feet.
now we're running in circles
tripping through elbows
soon we fall and can see their eyes
the lies that we tell them
to keep them at bay
soon swallow us and make us
display.
time after time we remember the thoughts
he's captured us now
and tells us not to scream
while their souls trample ours
just below the seams.

its coming

i've been thinking a lot about what happens after graduation. ha, although, i've been doing my best to avoid it. this past school year, as been one of the worst... there's always been someone to go to... and now there isn't. and if there was, i wouldn't. ugh. senior year has effectively turned me into an unresponsive heap of i can't think or create anymore. and im tired of asking other people to fill in the blanks for me. it is not their responsibility to make me happy, or to help me feel important. and it's unfair of me to ask them to.
i feel awful about this whole summer plan... like i've inserted myself into a simon and garfunkel show. haha, except without the simon or garfunkel part. but you know? like, i've somehow been able to insert myself into other people's lives, with nothing to offer or contribute.
my perfect parallel animal, is a leech.
after summer... i need to go and find something to do..
i don't really want to go to college...
at all right now.
ugh... maybe i should just forget about everything.
i'm just stressing out way too much to be of any use to anything.. :(

personal favorites.....

finished

im sending it to him tomorrow if all goes well

favorites

im really excited right now, because
this weekend, i figured out some of my
favorites... and they've been bugging me
for a long time... haha... so

color: yellow
animal: elephant
flower: calla lily

i know i know, big deal
but i'm happy

this morning

it took forever to get out of bed
this morning.
and i grumbled down to the bathroom
to take a shower, and i hadn't washed my hair yet,
when i heard this "aaaoooo" noise...
at first i wasn't sure that i heard it correctly, so
i kept listening, and
it happened again, and again
i started freaking out because it sounded like a goose
not even a normal goose, a troubled goose.
it sounded like it was in pain, like it was dying
and i was trying to get hurry up and get out
so that i could find it, and so that i could help it.
i was thinking about all of these different scenarios
these crazy scenarios involving mountain precipices..
and how this goose was calling out to me to come
find and rescue it.
but then i was thinking... i'm in the shower
i can never hear anything in the shower?
i should not be able to hear this animal right now.
DIVINE INTERVENTION! i need to SAVE THE GOOSE.

and right then, someone turned their shower off, and i could
hear more distinctively, that the janitor was playing
beyonce, while she was cleaning...

up?

stupid-face decided to send me something.
ugh. you know, every single time, that i finally
feel like i am waaaay over this bridge, he does something
and i'm right back where i started from.
it's as if i don't have control of myself
anymore, he does.
i wish, there was someone who could tell me
what i'm supposed to do. i want to heal
but, in this situation, i'm not really sure
how... and i'm not sure that anyone else can
tell me how. of the one's that i would ask for
advice, most would not sympathetically... there are
a few who would rather not talk about it at all (that's
a little ironic, dont you think?) and the others
don't have a clue as to what they're doing.
it's not a simple situation.
and it's not his fault.
i think that's the one thing that
is really getting to me at this point...
i want to blame him for everything. so i can feel
vindicated. but i can't,
the whole thing was this huge complicated mass
of mind games, and manipulation.
we both played...
i'm at the point of shame.

when i was younger, i used to carve out
little spaces in various rooms... little empty
places, like a closet, or behind a dresser...
and if i put a blanket, or a chair or something in front
of the hole. no one could find me. and i felt so
relieved

but now i'm scared

starting

landscapes...
i walked over from the dorm this morning
and was immediately attacked by
millions of tiny snowflakes...

im pretty sure there are still a few hanging
on for dear life to my hair...

and even though i am frozen solid...
i can't find anything wrong with today
march 2, 2009
my little sister's ninth birthday

starting

landscapes...
i walked over from the dorm this morning
and was immediately attacked by
millions of tiny snowflakes...

im pretty sure there are still a few hanging
on for dear life to my hair...

and even though i am frozen solid...
i can't find anything wrong with today
march 2, 2009
my little sister's ninth birthday

looking

for things to draw...


i found a caterpillar...
(a picture, i took)

and i want another one,
so that i won't absolutely die of
boredom today in class....


how bout an elephant :)

fake out

well, assuming we are following the number of posts on the blog
and not the number of posts that blogger tells me.
this is post, 182.
not 200

i was excited.

in other news, i have found a new project to be utterly absorbed in... :)

papa, nous ne faisons pas

i wish we did, but
we don't.
i miss you
and what's awful

is, i don't want to talk to you
because i know we'll end up
arguing, or you'll misunderstand me
you've forgotten how i am
and apparently i've forgotten you
with this you,
i have to tread softly,
and i'm so tired
i don't think i can

we've retreated into this
"don't call me when you're upset"
routine, and it's turned into
don't call me at all.

i'm sick of trying.
i feel like a piece of me was
stolen...
you're not who you used to be
maybe i shouldn't expect if from you
but i need you
now
and you're someone else...

carnation day

i saw you.
outside of my window.
you were standing so sad
your head bent down,
wilting.
i wanted to tell you that,
i know.
you never turned around,
just stood there.
you were in front of a green door.
no one came,
no one passed by.
i wanted to tell you
that even i wouldn't pass by,
if i could,
i would stand with you.
you didn't move.
not even to shift from one foot to the other.
i wanted to ask you
why you were wearing all black,
if someone had left you.
if your heart was as heavy as mine.
you never turned around
so that i could see you.
i wanted to.
i wanted to tell you that you're important.
and still you stand,
waiting.
what are you waiting for?
but then, the green door opened,
and she came out.
she smiled,
she knew.
she knew you.
you were different then.
and even if i couldn't see it,
i knew.
i knew that you were smiling at her too.
and then you lifted
your bright pink shoe,
and walked through the door.

per se

you do not have the right, to blame me


if i'm making your life so
fucking miserable,
go find someone else to
be around
i can't handle it

today

is perhaps one of the most pointless days in the history
of my life
and i am enjoying it... surprise... :D
today, i found out, that i really did get a higher score on the sat, than the first time around... and yes, it's only 50 points higher, and yes, my score really isn't very good at all, and yes, i could have done better... but i am content

this morning i tried to mask the embarrassment of my face with this wonderful hair of mine... meaning, i actually tried to fix my hair this morning. not only did i wish to hide the mountain on my forehead, but i really wanted to look nice today. i tried. and, i look the exact same as i do every other day... :)
haha, ironic no?

and i am headed off to a voice lesson in which i am not prepared for

but that doesn't really matter
because i'm happy today
for once in my life, fate has allowed things
not to affect me
and i can breathe again
and just bask in the glory of a day
all is well!

it's not so bad

this choir fest thing...
i'm kind of enjoying myself...
right now :)
i wish there were more people here

perfect

i was about to give up in my
little escapade with a certain mr.
but then the perfect one
sprang up on me
and i am now able to
continue with my intended plans
as long as i don't get incredibly
discouraged or anything..
which is likely. but for now...

these are the little things, that make me smile... :)
so, nothing really new or exciting is happening
i'm trying to stay hydrated, (i hate bad breath)
yuck...
and i feel kind of like a pregnant woman...

cuc choir fest is this weekend.
we leave tomorrow
and i don't want to go
BUT, we shall see if i am able to
truly find joy in
roach infested dormitories... :D

time to crack down....

this doesn't come easily to me
and i'm tired of masking this
i need help with it
and i hate going in
and pretending like i am
capable of greatness

in other news

i just listened
to river flows in you
and it made me want to cry
i'm going to miss everyone
so much

i can't believe i'm actually doing this

someone asked me what i wanted in a guy
(it's close to valentines day, and so all of the sudden
all the questions come out)
honestly, i don't like making lists because
there's always the chance that i'll end up
disappointed. but i figured i would at least try it
and knowing my luck, if i find this person
he'll be with someone else...
fate thinks i don't deserve relationships...
and oh perfect man... i am unworthy of your charm.

so if any of you are interested, these are some things
that i would really appreciate in a guy

please, be honest with me
and faithful... it would suck if you were
the perfect guy, and you cheated on me... :P
hopefully, he'll at least believe in a higher being
i don't care about religion, i'm not going to ask him to
i want a guy who loves music as much
as i do...
i want someone who likes surprises
giving and getting.
who will appreciate the little messages
and notes that i will most likely leave
on every surface for him.
or who will at least appreciate the
gestures by me for him.
who doesn't think getting flowers is girly
so if i got him roses for v-day
he'd be excited. instead of freaked out
i want someone who will tell me that
i look fat, if i look fat.
who won't tell me what he thinks i want to hear
but instead, what he thinks!
i want someone who will think through
what he's going to do before he does it
but is still capable of being spontaneous
i want someone who is funny, but not ridiculous
someone, who can figure me out
but still leave room for the unexpected.
i want someone who will cuddle with me unashamedly
i want someone who will sing to me or with me whenever
and wherever we are. who doesn't give off
the vibe that he's embarrassed to be with me.
who isn't weirded out by my family
who actually thinks that what i have to say is important
and who will be able to be patient when i can't figure out
what i want to say, who will be willing to work through
problems with me.
i want someone, who i will feel secure with. so i can say stupid
things, and not have them hate me forever. someone who will joke around
and even make fun of me sometimes.
i'm tired of tip-toeing around in relationships.
eventually there is hurt.
and i really don't care what you look like
hygiene is important, but other than that. you can be tall, short
fat, skinny, distorted, perfect, i don't care....
everyone is beautiful...
hmm, okay well mostly everyone :)

and i wouldn't ask anything of you, that i don't feel like i could give you
if the occasion presented itself...


ugh, okay, i'm tired of thinking about this.....

there are times

when i feel as if i can do anything. meet anyone. be anyone. like the world is just waiting for me to start my journey, and really that's all i have to do. just go out, and the doors will open, and i'll magically be able to find my way. like i can actually go wherever i want, and not be scared of my shadow. and then there are times when i feel like, i'm absolutely insane to even contemplate the idea. because honestly, i'm nothing. nothing at all, and the only thing waiting for me is opposition and heartache. but then there are moments where i feel as if i'm invincible and it doesn't matter if i face the untimely death of my heart, because it's already broken. what are a few scratches as compared to the dislocated vapid entity it is now? and then there are times that long for the other half of me to come and journey with me. but then those other moments remind me that i'm just a silly little girl in her living room with a huge desire to be something great, and no passion for living at all. and all of these moments seem to fight each other to the death with their huge raptor claws screaming at one another, making bounds for the others throats.

just some pics

i decided to put these up here...
dunno why... haha
uhm... this is what i have been doing with my time

so while i was wallowing

it wouldn't be creepy
if i drew andrew bird
and then sent it to him...
right?

that wouldn't be awkward?

right?


that'd be okay?

stress

i don't get it
maybe i just don't remember
but it should be working right now
stop asking me questions about it
ugh. that's all you ever do
and since when have i had any answers?
no,
i don't know what i'm doing
stop sneaking up on me and
expecting things to magically be different
i'm nervous
and freaked out
i'm not even sure this is the plan yet
or if this is where i'm supposed to be
i'm scared out of my mind
you're freaking me out

i told my friend

that john smith was my boyfriend...
the cartoon character from pocahontas.
and... apparently, she didn't connect the
two thoughts very well
because then she started asking me a whole bunch of questions like
oh my goodness really?
when did you meet?
is he cute?
you have to send me pictures
is he getting you anything for v-day?
he better
you're so lucky
tell me everything...


and i am laughing right now..
because i'm pretty sure that she was serious.. :)

late drive conversations

it's a process
it's a three step process
just do it
okay it's not hard
just do the three steps
and you'll be fine...

okay well i told you that doesn't work for me
so, can we not talk about this anymore?

see...i don't understand
why we keep
running to this spot
if you want to end the conversation
just say
you want to end the conversation
what you're doing right now
is called confrontation...

i am midas

i can't keep up with this facade anymore
the idea that i've led people to
believe...
its not true
and i've been lying to you so long
i'm an imposter
i can't do it
and i hate
coming in, all of the time
to show off the brilliant me
i'm a clock with no gears.
and i can't pretend anymore
that i'm good at it
that i enjoy it
because i don't
i hate it
and, the only thing gained
by this, is
that your opinion
descends each time we meet.

im scared

my life is a cupboard full of board games...
ages 1-4 ... that was SORRY
age 5 that was monopoly...
ages 6-8
rummikube
and 9-14... that was cranium
14-17...
life...

:(

i never thought

...that beautiful things
could come from such an ugly day
...i would actually get to drink coffee
with my bma coffee cake
...they would make coffee cake twice in a row
...my feet would actually be warm
while trekking through the snow
...i would ever get to go home
inbetween homeleave

the best way to describe how i'm feeling right now
would be to belt out a few lines of one of the
songs that makes me feel impossibly radiant.
"now, waking up is hard to do, and sleep is impossible to"
"Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway"

dual meanings?

i ripped my favorite shirt the other day
not an embarrassing rip
or one of those obnoxious kinds.
but now, there's a little hole next to my elbow
worn away from most favorite use...
and i am very sad...
i will still wear it
because, it is my favorite
but i can't stop feeling like
my enjoyment is causing agony...

it's not a curse..

a few days ago, i was practicing for my recital
and there is this song that mr. flores showed me...
there is this line...
it's my favorite line in the whole song.
"there lies a tempest in hiding"
i was thinking about it,
i can't stop thinking about it
and with the situations that have come up as of late...
i can't help but see it everywhere.

i haven't really told anyone yet
but, i died
not physically...
mentally.
first semester, my head was arrested by my cardiac...
i don't remember who told me, but
someone proposed the idea, that
we can alter the way other people perceive us...
simple idea right?
well what about the way that we see ourselves...
can we blind that as well...?
my whole life
i have felt microscopic.
there are a lot of things that i don't understand about myself.
in order to cope with that... i
drowned myself in the idea that no one else
can understand me either...

i remember
i was 8, and my mom was pregnant
i had grown up for 8 years without my
sister...
my mom was in the living room.
and i was as well, doing homework.
and i saw a spider on the ceiling..
i told my mom...
she looked at me... and was like..
go get a broom and kill it...
i hated spiders...
i had sort of an unnatural phobia
that my dad and brother found absolutely hilarious...
and so i told her i couldn't
she looked at me... like i was
the most horrible child
like she hated me...
like she hoped the baby she was about to have
would be a better child that i was.
she yelled... "SHIT"
and she stomped over to the broom.
and killed the spider...

are you serious?

i am laughing at your face right now...
well, i would be if you were here
honestly, it's a good poem
but it's lacking in experience
with all of the
word placements...
and strategic grammar
and flow
it's a good poem.
but at the same time
it's one of the most horrible things
i've ever read in my entire life.
you've never done any of that.
why don't you try writing something real?
something believable.
i can understand that we're different people
but i'd rather write a shitty poem that came from my heart
but maybe that's the huge barrier between
you and i.

ode to some pretty people

and their notes
that make me not
do stupid things
thanks,
i love you too :)

waiting waiting waiting waiting...

church... is sort of like
a pot full of fortune cookies...
hmmm, okay maybe like a room full of people
that have pots full of fortune cookies
and the cookies are like... special tonics
they're all guaranteed to cure at least one ailment. very specific
and so, if you get a chance to talk to the people
with the cookies.
it is safe to assume that they will try to read you
the fortune that will apply to your life the most.
or the problem.
the sickness....
the feeling.
wellllll that was my thought of the day.

at a loss

i just got this huge feeling of alone-ness
and im not really sure that it can be fixed.
and i was so happy
because the funk of first semester had finally worn off
i swear im cursed
once i start talking about how i conquered something,
it comes back to bite me in the butt
maybe it really isn't gone
and once i get back to school
it'll be all over the place
and
ugh, im just freaking out right now
and i keep forgetting
that my friends have lives of their own
and i should stop asking them to visit mine
because that's selfish
and i should be a good person.

well im not.

spent

for the past 5 hours
i have been painstakingly drawing
a cute little gypsy lady...
my hand hurts now
but, she looks okay

i think it's interesting that
after that ... first semester in art class
i can't look at things without noticing
the shading or
if i had a pencil, this is how i would do it
or, if i had a pen... i would put that there..
it's really crazy, but i love it
i do.
and the gypsies do too :)

maybe i'll post some of the work later, but
it never looks the same on the computer

taking the plunge

after many days of endless "thinking about it"
i have finally followed through with it...
i have started the pointillism method...

and i am happy.
i started out with
an eye

after all it seemed fitting...
and so now i am working on the face.
and we'll see if
i have found my niche...

there's nothing i can do...

i feel like i should be atoning for my sins
i enjoyed my day
but there are people dying...
i love my family
but there are those who have no family to love
i enjoy food
but there are those who can't eat
i feel like i am somehow in the wrong
for not being able to help them.
i have no way of helping them
and in my inability
we both suffer.

hope

i kind of want a relationship like theirs...

the medicine

one of the things i hate about being home,
is that my parents seem to think that it is a good
idea to fit everyone into little stereotypes
and when you get to my house... you will hear little phrases like
she did that because, or
did you do that because
but they want you to say those things... to them.
and it's really annoying, it pisses me off, my family
all of them say these little phrases
that clearly show they want you to tell them about themselves
or spout of some technical mumbo jumbo
or they want to feel intelligent by letting you know
that they know why someone did something.. and
it aggrivates me, because when i talk.
obviously i'm doing the same thing
and i need them to tell me about myself.
except the kicker is.
i don't. i don't want them to.
and when i tell hem not to
obviously that is a hardcore guarantee
i really do want them to say things.

so my dad and got into a fight the other night.
it's... so strange
i've been enjoying myself at home... for the most part...
a week ago, on tuesday... tuesday was a very good day for me
i've been a mix between apathetic and... fluttery
ever since. it's not a huge improvement. but there
has still been a change.
well that change turned.
my dad took chad and i out to go see if we could find
chad a leather jacket. so we were in the car on the way back
and for some reason, my father thinks that he needs
to shower me with praises. tell me how good of a person he
thinks i am. and every time he does
i just want him to stop.
it's so frivolous
and honestly, it's not me at all. he doesn't know anything about me
and when i tell him i don't want him to say anything
he gets all offended.
so i have stopped talking
but then he wants a response. and i don't want to give him one
by the time he says all that he feels is necessary
i'm in a very pissed off mood.
very grouchy... and agitated

my dad ended his whole little spiel about me
and i was mad at him... so i didn't say anything
so he started yelling at me.
he's convinced that i have confrontation issues
and i do.
except the thing is
i already asked him to stop
but he started provoking me.
i couldn't go anywhere
i just wanted to leave
dad, stop. i don't want to talk about this
dad, no i'm serious. i don't want to talk
dad. i don't want to talk to you.
and he wouldn't stop yelling at me.
he trapped me, in the car
and was yelling, telling me that it
doesn't matter if i don't want to talk
because he needs to help me.
and i was sitting there.
almost having a panic attack
because he's not letting me
stop talking to him.
and all i want to do is run away.
i never said anything about needing to fix
anything. and so he's going to provoke me
and make sure that i have the reaction that
he thinks i will have
as long as he manipulates the situation.
and won't stop until i do. so that
he can tell me
that i need help.
and it's like this huge bubble
has been blown around me
and inside is full of this sticky
nasty looking panic
and all i want to do is get it off of me
and i want to get as small as i can,
so that it all goes away
and when i open my mouth
to tell it to stop
the bubble gets larger
and there's more anxiety
and it's this horrible
feeling of
helplessness...

a spoonfull of sugar

myspace vs. facebook

it's so weird to see all of these people
who were born in '93
.... sigh...
well
i have recently joined the land of facebook :)
having been a myspace-er for a year or two now..
and obviously with my 19 hours of experience with facebook
i am quite qualified to make a comparison haha.

the one thing i really liked about facebook
is that it's really easy to talk with people.
with that little IM thing at the bottom.
as far as i know, myspace doesn't do that.

but other than that.
they're pretty much the same...

disheartened

my memories seem to fade
and for some reason
the you, you are now
doesn't seem like the you
that you should be
and i want you to change... or to become
again, something real,
something i remember
but i'm too scared to ask you
and if i did ask you
i'd be too afraid that you
would say no
because this new you
doesn't care, like the old you
would have.

the first draw-off

my brother and i, decided that we should have a draw off today. to see how different our pictures would turn out. we both have completely different techniques... and so, at like 1:30 ish we started... and just finished about 20 minutes ago..
so, it was definitely an experience... anywho. to see the finished product, you'll just have to come over... uhm. this is the picture that we drew though... :)

the aftermath

of a good day
surprisingly,
is still a good day... :)

and sweetbreads is now, one of my
ultimate favorite songs... :)

homeleave

my brother called me yesterday
and sadly informed me that he won't be picking me up
for homeleave...
grandma wants him to go up to hacketstown and get some
presents that she sent down with grandpa...
so, i have to go home with my mother.
and my dad said he was thinking about coming
which means, he will... or he'll make some
excuse not to come and sit at home and sell things
on ebay.
i don't even really want them to come up
i know that i'm not going to have any form of civil conversation with
either of them
i don't have anything to say

there isn't any nice left in me... at all
not enough for small talk
or, bma gossip...
and i'm dreading it.

i've said it before.

but i think i'm going to cancel my blog.
these aren't my private thoughts anymore.
they are not free from scrutiny
by individuals.
they aren't hidden, like i want them to be..
so i think i'm canceling it.

probably just because i'm really pissed off
right now... and probably will be for the rest of today
and, i don't need to deal with this right now.

aww moment

tonight i watched the nightmare before christmas for the first time with some of my most favorite people. i like the end, of the very last song. im considering trying to sing it for my recital... haha.

i think, that christmas vacation is coming at a very good time. i really just want to get away. perhaps not at home. but. a breath of fresh air may be good for me. my father and i have sort of entered a cold war. and i no longer want to reside at my... residence. nor do i want to take the act tomorrow. or go on tour.... however it seems that christmas is going to be very unenjoyable this year. what with the abscence of my brother, and the lack of christmas cheer. then new years with unwanted guest. ah, but yes, this is the dawn of the new day. i should be happy that these new opportunities are being arisen.

messiah weekend

well, it's here...
today my companions and i are going to be subjected
to hours of practice, gallons of tea, and ... a crowd of parents.
their parents that is...
not mine.

i didn't mean it, i'm sorry

i was about to say that wallow is a palindrome.
but unfortunately i am mistaken.

i just sneezed like 10 times in a row.
normally, this would be making me laugh
but, i am afraid to report that i am a bit
or... i guess i should say, a lot under
the weather.
maybe it's just that time of year again
but, i've been congested all day today
with a horribly present head ache.
that did NOT go away with tylenol...
i think it did knock out the fever.
which was 98.9 after i took it..

i wish that i could use that as my
excuse for being a jerk this
weekend. but honestly. i don't think it
does. poor nikki. i've been beating her up
and making it seem like it's her fault.
i am so disgusted with myself right now.
the only reason i get mad at her is
because she has what i don't.
and i can't. and i'm jealous.
so i find things to nit pick her for.
and i'm so sorry.
i don't deserve my friends.

we had the sa christmas party last night
and all i could do was criricize everything
and walk around like i hated life.
i hate this person i'm becoming.
it's not me.

i keep waiting for the reasoning to pop
out and hit me on the forehead.
THIS is why you've been acting this way
THIS is why
THIS is why
but i haven't found any of them yet.

i just want it to stop.
i want all of the people i love to
wake up
and realize that they don't want me in
their lives.
i want my dad to wake up, and be happy
again.
and i want to go to sleep
i want to sleep
then i wouldn't have to walk around
with an aura of disgust
and i wouldn't have to stare at this
disgustingly bulbous body every morning in the
mirror,
and i wouldn't have to think about everything
so hard.
and i wouldn't have to pretend like
everythings okay.
even though everyone knows that it's not.
and i wouldn't have to feel like no one cares anymore

and i think... i'm most excited about not waking up.
and it scares me how serious i really am about it
i don't want to wake up.
ever.

this summer, was one of the worst
i didn't do anything.
because i'm not good at anything.
everything i do, is pathetic, and awful and WRONG
it's like the slightly less powerful midas touch.
i feel like a plague
that's destroying everything good and joyous.
and i just want it to end.
the only thing i'm good at
is crying
and stealing the nase's tissues and advil.

i heard someone say a few days ago,
in a childrens story in church
that if you pray, god will take care of
all of your problems.
well... maybe i'm doing it wrong.

another epiphany...

i was looking for this verse in my bible, and when i found it. i jumped a little bit. off of the cream pages, it was enfolded in the unmistakable highlighter yellow. immediately, i was met with flashbacks. to a time when my bible was new and needing color. to a time when i was under the impression that if you read the verse over and over, your life would change for... the better? this verse was supposed to be encouraging. so i marked it. in the hopes that it would be. and yet, i still haven't followed through with what it instructs me to be. and i question.
why. because this wasn't written for me. it's not for me. so i don't feel the need to apply it. because my name isn't written in sparkly pink letters with an arrow to 10. and i wonder what will make me snap back into a belief that will be meaningful to me when the yellow is actually ... good.

my numbers are jumbled...

sigh
i'm back at the
B
M
A
and, it was really cold last night
not even mildly, or
bearable
but really
and unfortunately...
so, it took a little while getting to sleep
but, i did.. eventually

i don't know what to do now.
nikki gave me an over thousand
page book to read.
maybe i should go and start that soon....

(is it bad that i don't
enjoy christmas songs?)

mphghghghgmmmmhhhmmmhhmmhmhmh

right now, im feeling a little bit more on the depressed side of things.
i know i shouldn't
and i know that it's more than ridiculous
i don't know...
i don't think that i deserve to be here
to be friends with these people
they're so ... beautiful
inside and out
SO beautiful...
and i know i should feel
excited and blessed
that i know such wonderful people
and i do.
a girl couldn't ask for better friends.
but at the same time
i feel a little inadaquate..
...mkay so a lot but
i don't know
maybe i just need to cry it out.
happy thanksgiving.

it's probably a good time

to admit that
i am not gifted
and should probably
stop pretending
that i am...

before coming home

they couldn't care less about
who you are or what you do,
you reinvent yourself way too
much for them to pay attention anymore.

as an onlooker, it's different
to see someone create a desired
relationship out of nothing.

and more importantly, there is a leaf above
the fountain
it's the secret of the garden
the unevitable security
of a calm pool of water
the fearless demise of a ruptured serenity

(but not in a good way)
in the way that screams
in the way that drips of agony
the way that says,
i will never get over you

what time is handshake
editor of yearbook
does she look good in orange
socks
does she believe in miracles
yes ducks can fly
peach crayons

something's wrong

moderate

right now, i have
an incredible craving
for lo mein
vegetable of course

haha, so in order to curb this
i tried to see if soy sauce
and spaghetti would taste
around the same :)

wellllll honestly
it wasn't that bad
but, it wasn't that great either.
so we can cross that off the list of things
to try.
next up is that ... other one.

i finished essay number two
of the four
for this quarter
that means that i am half done
essay number one is about the yellow wallpaper
honestly, i really love that story.
it's one of my favorites
essay number two is about Salome
the play by Oscar Wilde.
creepy.
essay number three is about the taming of the shrew
i still can't believe how vulgar shakespeare is
no one ever tells you that part.
essay number four is about jane eyre
ugh.
most boring story ever.
actually, i think that i would have liked the book better if i hadn't already known about the story... that just made the whole thing draaaaaag

in other news.
my computer is breaking.
the one that i got from gabby
ugh, do i really not have luck with
these things?
my p button doesnt work... :(

between two rocks

i've been very dissapointed today

sometimes, i wish that i had the ability to NOT feel the urge to release all moisture via my face. i wish that i was someone else that i could laugh at, and tell them how ridiculously pathetic and disgusting the feelings are.

currently, i'm still looking for a body pillow. there's a story behind that. back in the day when i was a larger idiot than i am now. i was in a relationship that was unnecessary and decietful. while that was on the fast track to no where, the person whose attention's i desired, made me a body pillow. a very fluffy pillow of my dreams body pillow. however, when the tracks ran out, and the relationship ran head first into a brick wall, i was no longer able to use the pillow, because the disgust i felt for the person was so great, it stressed me out, and the pillow was no longer performing the task it was designed for. so i ripped it apart, and have not been able to sleep well since. well... i wasn't able to sleep well before that either.
but i still really would like to get a body pillow.
or maybe just a giant teddybear...
or maybe just prince charming...
nevermind. i just want to sleep well... :(

epiphany

i had a dream last night
that i started smoking
...
i'm not really sure where it came from
haha, but, i liked it

is that just the dream talking?
or if i start smoking, i'll enjoy it

maybe i can channel my stress into
that like the rest of america...

i'll be 18 in a few months
there we go, problem solved...

so will i turn out like charlotte church
where i end up not being able to sing at all?
or will i go like the amy winehouse sort
where i am praised for my scratchy voice...
i guess there's only one way to find out.

working

i decided that for christmas
i'm only going to do presents for to people.
at least, i'm only going to plan for two people.
the one persons present has already been finished
and is just waiting to be shipped out
and the second person
is my little sister
and i'm finishing it up
today :)

i decided that i'm going to give her a t-shirt
and i'm going to make her her first cd.
:)

ready for track listings?

1. brownies - jacob kondrath
2. stinky hippie - five iron frenzy
3. the long island sound - beirut
4. mushboom - feist
5. postcards from taly - beirut
6. overboard - ingrid michaelson
7. everythign will be alright - the killers
8. dub latina - calexico
9. season poem - gregory and the hawk
10. beautiful love - the afters
11. friend is a four letter word - cake
12. hey there delilah - the plain white t's
13. the scientist - coldplay
14. yellow - coldplay
15. dragosta din tei - o-zone

:)
it's on a pink cd.
and it's writing right now
i'm kind of excited
this will have been the first year
that i've actually planned for her

i think she'll like it...

i'm going to go make the book for it now... :)
polka dots...
:D

for being home

:( i thought i would be at least a little happier
than i am right now...
i was counting on it
but right now...
i'm not
and i want to be
drastically.

so... good things about tonight
1. there were six frogs in my room when i got home
2. my dad indulged in my rubik's cube dream and got me a little mini one
3. i drove
4. i get to sleep in tomorrow...

attention all of you sentimental jerks

this is post 143...
for those of you coughnikkicough
who know how that is important..
i state this fact

there is snow today
and a part of me wishes that i was
able enough to go and enjoy it
to go and romp around and laugh
my head off.

but then the other part of me realizes that i don't
like being cold
or wet
and i only have to deal with snow for another day
because i'm going home tomorrow
and

fie on you monstrous challenger!
the audacity of self fighting self
is unacceptable here.
ugh.

in other news.
i just found out that i was accepted
to a college that i would really like to
attend.
however, i have no way of paying for this...
or actually getting there.
i don't even know if i will like it once i do get there
and i think i should probably
just go to community college
and get my associates...
i think i've finally figured out what i want
to do with my life.
but i'm hesitant to tell people
because every other time i've
set myself on a goal
and i tell people
they start telling me the negatives
and i don't want to hear them
i think i could really enjoy
this one.
especially because i spend most of my time doing it anyway.
it's something i can be good at.
and happy with.

chad was also thinking that for this summer
i could go and take lessons
and become a child swim instructor
while i pay my way through college..
it's a nice idea.
but i don't think i would like that very much.
i think i would like to work at a diner or something.
become a waitress.
i'll be 18
and it seems like an acceptable occupation.
i think i would enjoy it.
:) perhaps i'll contact my diner.

a day in the life....

sunday night, i usually end up tossing and turning
trying to go to sleep,
finally i do.. and for a while it is good
but too quickly the alarm rings at 6
and i have to get started...
my 10-15 minute shower, followed by usually 15 minutes of
getting ready for DAY.
around 6:30
i head to pookie's room and wait another 5-7 minutes for her
to get ready.
then we head to breakfast...
where we look for lucky tray's and
try to finish our food by 6:50
so that we can go to choir.
every
minute
of choir
drags.
i look at
the clock every minute.
i don't sit in the back where it's safe to read a book
or study note cards anymore.
i sit in the front, where i can't see anything
and i feel suffocated...
i sing in the front where my voice doesn't come out.
instead, it blends with all of the people behind me
drowning me.
i sit,
and stare
at the clock
for every single one
of the 60 minutes of choir
until i can leave.
sometimes i stay and ask pooper to play for me
before i head over to the computer lab and
check my email.. or write a blog... (like today)
then i head to work
usually at around 8:30
clock in at the business office... and then
head towards the k-room
usually, there isn't anything for me to grade on monday's
so i sit. in the green chair
in the corner
and wait for two and a half hours
for the rest of my day to start.
i sit. and watch every minute leave
before i can.
one hundred and fifty minutes
i watch them.
after work, i scurry over to the voice lesson
with mr. flores (on monday's)
where he always tells me that i need to practice
and open my mouth when i sing.
every monday he tells me this.
after voice lessons, i have 45 minutes to wander around, maybe finish
some assignment due for some class
that i would rather not be taking. or i wander over to the lobby
and sit
and wait for
forty five minutes
to leave.
somewhere in that lovely little escape, i will find danika
and we will find pookie
and we will find lunch.
which takes up a good portion of the twelve hour. but then i have
an hour or so to wait until fourth period starts
usually,
i take a nap.
i go back to my room
and wait for my hour to leave.
i toss and turn waiting for sleep
before it finally comes
and the alarm rings.
taking it all away, and more. before
i head over to class
groggy, and incompetent.
where i end up taking a quiz for something
i didn't read.
and fail...
then i wait for the next 50 minutes
of that class... to be over
i watch 50 minutes leave.
i don't have a class 5th period.
usually, i sit with gabby in the computer lab
while she does her notes
and i wait for 75 minutes to leave.
i wait... and watch each minute leave.
6th period we have AP english
a class that i do not enjoy.
i spend too much time in that room.
all morning
and a class every day.
ap english is accompanied by 75 minutes, i watch leave...
i watch the clock, until i can go to supper.
when the bell rings.
i do.
i go to supper, where i do not eat the food.
instead cereal and water
because i need to shed a few.
not want. need.
after supper i head to my room.
gabby and i will spend time together.
usually she has notes.
so i will waste 60 minutes
sitting in my room.
waiting for them to leave.
after they do. i wait ten more minutes
before heading down to dorm worship.
where someone will think about marking me late
and i will wait for another 20 minutes to leave.
the rest of the night is spent in my room.
waiting until i feel it is okay for me to go to sleep
and then, around ten o clock
after i have waited all day to enjoy this.
i toss and turn.
and find no joy
in falling and remaining asleep.
normally, i don't.
i wake up two or three times in the night
waiting for it to refresh me
waiting for the rest
to replenish me.
but it doesn't
and so i wake up
tired, and unprepared
to face waiting for my life to end.
i spend 745 minutes out of 1440 minutes of the day
waiting.
i live. for about an hour.
every a day.
i truly live. for about AN HOUR.

i find no joy here.
there is no reason why
i am being kept.
i have no energy for classes
and if i did, i would not desire to take them.
i am tired of living
here, home
i am tired.
my deepest darkest desire (alliteration)
right now.
is to REST
not sleep
i want to rest
and i don't want to wake up.
i'm tired of watching my minutes die.
i am tired of having no passion
i am tired of the bitter moods
i find myself residing in.
i am tired of being unable to smile

i want to rest.
and i don't want to wake up.

so, today was gabby's birthday,
hopefully i will be able to ambush her later
and have a little mini photoshoot
for her 18th

sadly, i am a little bummed that i didn't get
to sing for the andrews people...
and they didn't get to critique me
but, i think i'll get over it

well, off to galavanting over the
book that everyone likes....

burden

summarizing my entire existence right now... into one word
"burden" is what it would be.
the feeling is getting stronger and stronger
and i'm sorry that i can't become someone else
i'm sorry that
my attitude and character have become offensive
i am never what i want me to be
and i am never what you want me to be
but right now, this is WHO i am
i would give anything to change it
but it's not as easy as you think
it should be
so go philosophize
and work around your little theories of
why i'm not doing what you think
i should.
go ahead.
i'm sorry i'm hurting you
"the killers are calling on me"
i'm not sure right now, that you're feelings
are my biggest concern
i know I KNOW how awful it sounds
but for goodness sakes don't tell me
i don't need you to tell me what
an awful person i am
i promise you
i am WELL AWARE

and i would really like it, if
everyone would just
leave me alone
please...
because even though you're trying
to help
you're making it worse
so get the hell out of my shoes
and stop pretending that
if you were me
you would fix it.

yo-ugly

i went running with nikki tonight
because, i think i should be starting to get a little more active...
and because i really would like to shed a few.
since summer, i've been steadily putting on weight.
and everything that i try isn't working.
and my clothes are fitting more awkward now, and
i feel fat in them.
all of them
there's nothing that i can or want to wear anymore
everything makes me feel like a bloated buffalo
and i really hate it
so i decided that i am going to
1. stay away from sweet thing (especially at night)
2. eat breakfast
3. and of course eat smaller portions
it seems like a good plan right?
well i really want to go running at least 3 times a week, i know i'm not disciplined enough to make it every day... because i'm a loser, and i can't
but, even after doing all of this
i feel the same.
the only thing that is happening, is i'm getting more large
and more dense...
and i really really don't like it right now.
so i was thinking maybe i'll just go for breakfast
and a really large lunch.
and water...
that would probably suit me better.
or maybe cereal at night... something light, like special k
and if all of the machines weren't broken in the dorms i would
go ahead and use those, but they are... so it's kind of unrealistic...
i really hate what i've become...
i'm very disgusted with myself right now...
and nikki has my notebook.
and i want it back.
:/

after (not) voting

this morning as i was walking towards the cafe
for breakfast
i was presented with the news that obama won.
i can't say that i was too surprised
however, i am sort of upset about the whole ordeal.
i woke up, and FELT oppression.
there was no one around the dorm
it was like the hand of death was upon me.
(and for all of your obama supporters out there
I'm sorry if i offend you by not liking him)

honestly, i think a lot of the bma-obamites
are very very ignorant...
most of them (with the exception of like four people
including mr. shofner) don't even know what he stands for.
these same people are walking around campus
joyously exclaiming his name.
i feel dread for our nation

i also feel sorry for the people who decided since they didn't like
the presidential candidates, that they were going to vote for
vice presidents.
honestly, that's one of the most idiotic things you can do
the vice president doesn't have control over anything really
and he WILL NOT BE THE PRESIDENT
(unless misfortune occurs)

i am very ashamed of the conduct of our nation.
"obama's going to get assassinated"
"mccain will die in office"
that's a terrible thing to say....

is no one decent anymore?
where is our civility?

i am aware that i am not an extremely politically aware person
but of what i do know,
mccain is not the ideal candidate but
obama spells trouble
and a few months from now
like BIDEN addmitted
when this nation is faced with whatever
crisis he said would happen
i will be standing on the sidelines
justified, and sad... that no one paid attention.

maybe i'm wrong
i very much aware of that.
but come and prove it to me.
come and show me why i should turn my views
don't stand in front of me playing the
"you're racist because you don't want obama"
card.

first tour

as the time for departure draws nearer
i can feel myself getting more and more excited...
but then i think about it, and the more dread i feel.
for some reason, it feels ...
wrong
(awkward turtle)
like when you go buy food by yourself
or, when you tell someone else about
your inside joke.

it's different, in a bad way
so 08-ers... consider yourselves indefinitely missed

fafsa

... for this class period
we are supposed to be filling out our FAFSA
stuff... but i'm not sure that i really want to

they're just going to ask me a whole bunch of questions that
i don't know the answers to
so again, another wasted day

it's actually quite awful.
it was going okay, but then it wasn't. it was very wavy...
this morning i felt awful, but then, i didn't.
but then i did.
and then i didn't
and then i did again
because i found out that i actually really do suck at
my job
and, my boss is getting kind of aggravated with me

i feel very much surrounded by negative things
and i would like to not be... anymore
BUT, it's not working.

i don't want to think about the future
what i really want to do, right now. is sit in my room
with my blanket. and... do absolutely nothing
nothing at all
my deepest needs right now, are to be warm
so, maybe i'll invite someone to come and cuddle with me or something.

i'm kind of upset with myself right now.
(oh man)because, for the past few months
i've been on a steady incline of weight gain
and i'm walking around feeling like an ugly large
bulbous creature. and there's nothing i can do about it
i'm kind of thinking about not letting anyone wear my
clothes anymore.
there's nothing worse, than letting someone borrow one
of your favorite articles of clothing, and having it be
loose on them...
i guess though, the problem with this is that i am friends with
tiny people.

and tiny people are smaller than me. :)

i'm very aggravated right now.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

writers conference

Act I Scene I
stolen stone
taken
for violent misuse
forgotten are the harmonies that dwelled
before
now only disgusting purposes remain
with lore
the balance and pace of a misguided tribe
shattered and uncovered with one
final blow
throw...

Act I Scene II
Terrified of what's behind
driven by the hunger that thrives his mind
the others won't help his need provoked
only by thoughts of greed
to shun to kick ignore
he's felt it all before
he remembers the birth
of their stereotypes
alone and cold he finds shelter.
his
...hope arrives in the form of nourish
hidden by the transparent mockery
no longer ashamed of the story behind
he picks up the stone. blows
throws.

Act I Scene III
Haughty gorged with the sense of pride
the public safety in his hinds eye
his deeds widely known
if only they could see, they'd groan
moan with the thought of one so unjust
placed in such position, a must
filled with thoughts of perfect lust
to see the boy pick up the stone
of course the creature must atone
the dirt who threw the rock must pay
the broken glass and bread aghast
to see the flaming passion
he throws blows!
he strikes and slices the poor boy senseless
he was only penniless.

Act I Scene IV
Justice was served and the boy lay bleeding
the man walks away and the stone is pleading
shouts of mercy fill it's head
"this urchin will soon be dead
forgive him please"
it sobs with dread
at the thought of
circumstance eloping with red


AND SCENE

it needs work. a lot
we were at writers conference and the last session was about poetry
and this isn't much of one, but it's what i wrote while we
were supposed to

another day, another... ugh

so it's true...
they're getting married...
abel and some... person
i don't even know her name

and as much as this shouldn't bother me
it does.

we broke up in march. and they've been together for a while
long enough to get married anyway...
it's only october...
how many months is that?
seven?
and there are pictures of them from 05...
(am i reading too much into this?)

im happy for him. really i am...
(not)
but, it just doesn't seem like it fits together
i hope he knows what he's doing...
anyways...
i've decided to wash my hands of this nonsense..
completely!

but... it still hurts you know?
a lot

not like i would ever tell him that...
pfff...

sigh... i would like to be okay now
please...?

a confession

i came home today.
both my mom and dad came to pick me up.
which is kind of awkward when you think about it..
at least it was for me.
my dad has never come to get me on homeleaves.
not in the three years that i've been at bma.
he hasn't come once.

it's strange to think that he can be so busy
even though he doens't have a job.
it was an interesting thought to me...

i'm very much regretting coming home
my computer broke, so i'm using my dads...
there's nothing to cook. and i'm pretty much
just stuck cooped up in the house... all day.
:/ i was so scared of having nothing to do,
i finished my state rep. project for government.

i'm very ashamed of what my life has become.
at school, i spend my days wandering around
wishing that i had something to occupy my time
and at home, i'm just trying to stay away from
depression.
this is my day to day life...
and yet, as much as i hate it
i'm not sure that i have enough energy
to become pasisonate about anything.
i think it's humorous in a way, that i started enjoying
photography, but now, pookie is the one that takes the pictures.
and, i used to write, but now... i leave it up to others to write
my poems... i used to sing. but i can't anymore.
i used to sing all of the time. on the path down to classes,
down to lunch
up to the dorm.
but i can't anymore.
i can't...

everything that i love, is being shaken away from me.

this week, i got so mad at pooper.
i get mad at him a lot, and... he doesn't really care
and i think that's one of the things that bothers me.
pretty much, i feel like i'm the only one that cares
about our relationship.
and i miss him.
even with nothing to do, i haven't been able to spend
time with him, and he hasn't even cared.
and i'm so frustrated. because our relationship is
one sided.
and i'm no longer tall enough to complete that task.
so, i wrote him an official friendship resignation.
i haven't given it to him yet.
i don't think i will.
because he won't care...
it's not like i haven't talked to him about this before
i have.
perhaps i did not articulate myself well enough.
which seems to happen.
but, nothing has changed.
so i can't see how, doing that, would solve anything.
it would just make me feel awful, knowing that i mean that much to him...
and i'm not willing to sever the ties yet completely
i'll wait until college for that.
i know it's going to happen.
it's inevitable.
if he can't have a relationship with me now,
there's no way that he will later...
and it sucks... yes.

but what am i to do?

i have a knot in the back of my neck.
it's getting really bad.
but i dont' have anyone to get it out for me
and i am in pain.
ow.

in contiunation

there are to terrible things.
when someone hurts a loved one
and when someone you don't like sings one of your
favorite songs.

this weekend i was at kyle's house.
it was leadership retreat. so almost everything with legs was gone.
including pookie.
so in order to have a weekend NOT like last one. i went to kyle's house.
well. it turns out
that i probably should have stayed in the dorm.

i ended up feeling really uncomfortable most of the time. their family has a very distinct way of interacting. as in. they have really short fuses with each other. (and it seems to me as if the mrs. isn't happy, at all.) so it leaves me feeling awkward and unsure... like a child. (not only because they're filthy rich, and my family can't even afford to buy food anymore. mostly because i'm here. care to throw in another guilt trip?) it doesn't seem like they really appreciate anything. (not to complain about a very common cliche...)
i felt really out of place there.
like an alien.
so i was pretty melencholy the whole weekend.
but i think that i've decided that i don't want to create an atmosphere in my home where children can't grow up.
it's seriously what their house felt like to me.
i felt like a little kid who wasn't allowed to make any decisions....

i'm sick of being here.
i just want to dissapear.

lately every time i turn to someone that i love for advice, or for comfort
they all turn away like i have the plague.
it's like they're disowning me.
i don't understand.

i call home, they pretty much are ignoring me now.
i talk to someone up here, they look at me like i'm retarded.
why the heck am i trying so hard to love people, when they don't love me back?
i'm ready now... to start my life.
i feel very very ... alone all the time.
it's not moods anymore

it has stopped dissipating.
and is now constant.
i feel ignorant, and ashamed most of the time.
and... i dont' even know anymore.

just another waste

it's becoming harder and harder to be optimistic about things
(all of the time) i just want to go hide somewhere
and not be a part of it.
NOT BE A PART

i'm tired.

more on this later....

unfortunately

there is way too much time
but not enough

in happier news.
i finished my sonnet

it's kinda sucky
but i'm glad it's over with

i should

be happier than i am right now.
this morning i ate a cookie
i'm wearing "midnight pomegranate"
also a very wonderul scarf from espana
i'm trying to write a sonnet...
and still i am rather depressed this morning.

the other day, kyle was reading a book about relationships. haha
and it came to this part, that says, you should always be honest when you break up with someone. you need to tell them the truth and the reason why you're severing the relationship.
and i couldn't fully agree. because i've done it.
in fact, i just got an email from an ex. and
i know that i should tell him why i broke up with him. but it's too late now. how am i supposed to say, "you abused me emotionally and i think you did it on purpose?"
i can't

i can't even respond to his email
i can't even tell him how i'm doing.

UGH!

how am i supposed to tell #2 that i thought he was an idiot and he made me uncomfortable...?

technicality?

BRAIN WASH!

i'm back

right now, i'm listening to elliott smith. and trying to write number three out of four essasys that i need to finish by next wednesday. number three is about "the overcoat" by nikolai gogol. i love the story, but i would really rather not write about it right now. i really dont' want to do anything
i just got back from cuc collge days. what a barrel full of monkey fun that was.
on the bright side i think i've figured out what i want to do with my life.
i think i've decided that i like english enough to teach it.
i was day dreaming for the past day or so about what i would be like in a classroom setting. immersing myself in one of the subjects that i absolutely adore. and i am rather excited. :D
and if i ever become an enlish teacher. the first thing that i'm going to make my students read is beowolf.

because i'm a horrible person.

tired

of packing.


i need a break from life.
i was actually thinking earlier tonight how much
i just want to go somewhere FAR away
and just... be on my own for a while.
i'm so sick of being around the people...
that i'm around right now (at home)

and i would like nothing better
than to go somewhere else
and reinvent myself

have a fresh start
you know?

but i can't
because, it's ...


very very unlikely that i will ever get to.

just how it's very very unlikely that i will actually enjoy the next few years..

ah, rest...

so, after a very hectic morning. of not having my computer
i now get to enjoy this evening of pc-pro-ness

my poor roddrick had been acting funny lately.
he was around three breaths short of a break down
so i coppied all of my files onto the new ipod
-whose name is Vittorio-
and... sigh.... erased my hard drive.

so now, after a very inconvenient computer less day
i have most of my necessary things back on my roddrick
and can now rest easy
knowing that he might have four breaths
before he departs to the big pc convention in the sky

Vittorio on the other hand, had been a very pleasant surprise.
and i think, we will enjoy a very long and exciting relationship together. :D

i just got home.

my mom came to pick me up and brought me this paper that my sister wrote for one of those back to school project things. so, she wrote this paper about me.
it says

"my sister is an artist. she draws like you can not believe. she has a big room. she is mostly fun. she is the greatest sister. that is all i can say about her."

i thought it was really cute.
except for that mostly fun part.. :D

psalm 9...

yesterday. i had a really good day.
almost.
yesterday was Tuesday. and i had been looking forward to Tuesday for some time. i would get my picture proofs, we would elect bel canto officers. i would only have one day until home leave.
so yesterday i wore a really cute outfit. because i felt good... and everything was going great! until i got to leadership bible class.
when i got to class, we started talking about oh, all of those topics that you would normally talk about in a bible class. and i started getting really aggravated. which I've noticed starts happening whenever I'm in a spiritual situation. like vespers. or chapel. i turn my mind off. because i don't want to listen to it. i don't want to hear any of it. so i was contemplating the reasoning behind my sudden disinterest for these topics and i realized it's because, i don't care. i don't care about what they have to say. and i don't want to hear it. i was in the middle of class and everyone was voicing those spoon fed opinions and i felt so angry at them all. I'm tired of the expected answers when it comes to God.
so as i was walking down to bel canto after class, i was thinking to myself. do i care about the bible? because i only read parts of it because people tell me that i should. but honestly, i don't think i do. i don't think that i can subscribe to believing in the bible. i haven't even read the whole thing. but if i don't care about the bible. do i care about God? no. i don't think that i do. i don't have a reason to believe in him. i don't know where he is. and the whole time, i was three steps away from hyperventilating because. it's awful.
i never wanted to be one of those people that didn't believe in him. never. i didn't understand why people would say things like "god doesn't exist" because of everything that i had been told by everyone else. it was sort of like a "duh, why can't you see this?" sort of deal.
and i was freaking out because i was turning into one. and it scared me. immensely.
so all during bel canto, i was crying my eyes out. and mr. flores picked that practice to sing the "solo" or whatever, and it didn't go as horribly as it could have. but, you could tell. so pooper asked to practice it after, (we were getting out early) and so of course we ended up talking about my puffy eyes and i ended up telling him. hmm.. he seems to have a knack for that kind of thing. so i talked it over with him. there were a lot of "i don't knows"
but afterwards, i didn't feel any less freaked out. or like i had done anything. so i went back to my room and packed and such.
but i was thinking about it before i went to bed.
i thought it was kind of funny because i still had the "I'm going to talk to God before i go to bed mentality"
so this morning, i was in the shower and i was trying to think of reasons not to believe in God. and i couldn't think of any.
and i realized that my reasoning for denouncing him, didn't hold up.
i won't decide to believe in him, but i'll decide not to?
seems kind of ridiculous.
and in my 10 minute shower, i was trying to think of anything that could sway my decision.
and i found one.
i cannot subscribe to evolution.
it seems like a silly enough answer right?
and if i strongly believe in creation, it's a fair guess that i should also have belief in a creator, or else my whole foundation is ... gone.
and right now, it's a good enough reason for me.
i think i'm okay with deciding to believe in God. because the truth is, i don't know what i would do if i didn't believe in him. i don't think i'm capable of NOT believing. maybe it's a part of growing up in the church. i'm not really sure. but, i wouldn't feel complete if i denounced him.

as of right now, i'm not entirely sure where i stand on every subject or element of anything religious. but, i have decided.
i have made my choice.
and right now, i feel content.

i'm going home today. so i'll take a break from my mind for a few days, and when i get back, maybe i'll try to appreciate things.
i'm not claiming anything right now. except God.


and i think i'm okay with this decision.

kind of but not quite...

i am in a very fluctuating mood right now

i want to be inspired by something
i want to feel passionate about anything

but i want to rest...
to catch up with life..
to breathe

so, as you can see, it's quite difficult for my mood to be satisfied..
it's all so very demanding.

i would say currently, i am not happy.
more annoyed if anything. i got an email from an old friend today. and i was annoyed by the way she tried to tell me things that i already knew. like she was the authority on my life, and everyone else's. and yet. it just makes me incredibly disgusted with myself. it's like i prefer to judge rather than to see the sides.

so amidst the trying to figure out what i will be doing with the rest of my life, planning out every inch of my homeleave (including trying to be polite to my family, trying not to step on people's toes, trying to figure out every little tiny detail of family formalities) trying to get through the next few days, reforming my dastardly ways, i also have to deal with this new ounce of self hate so lavishly heaped upon me.

so this afternoon i was trying to find things to look forward to. things to make me smile.
1. the seniors receive their picture proofs tomorrow. and i am supremely curious as to how they have turned out.
2. my anniversary with pooper is coming up on the ninth of november. and i have planned out an elaborate gift for him. (which should cause stress but surprisingly doesn't. but now i have to deal with the whole, "no we're not going out, it's the anniversary of the starting point of our friendship" but i don't want to tell people. it's not something that i think they would understand. i haven't told anyone what my big plan is yet. i don't think i'm going to."
3. i picked out four songs for my senior recital today. which means practice practice practice! but, i'm happy. because now i have something to work on. a goal i guess to keep me sane for the rest of the semester.


i love life. i really do. it's just i'm not sure i know how to appreciate it yet. and it depresses me ever so slightly.

calm

right now, i feel very relaxed.
which is a stretch at most.
this morning i was entirely shrouded in doubt.
the fair mr. stewart asked me if i would be willing to lead out in song service at his church plant. which of course, i said yes to. and of course should have said no to. i am no good at getting up front. as is evidence by my focus week fiasco. so i should not have agreed. so last night, and well into this morning. i was freaking out for obvious reasons. and afterwards. i was very depleted and void of energy. because i failed. miserably. but later i stepped out and played a little badminton... a strange sport for a reed. (in fact, all sports are strange for the reeds... )

so that was my day...

i also got called for jury duty...
strange, since i'm still a minor...
hum.

release

the time has come, for me to accept the fact. that i am a jerk. i know i have said this before, but let me explain... a few weeks ago, we were supposed to have picked our bel canto dresses... and we did. i was out voted 5 to 1. yes i was a smidge peeved. but i got over it right?
well, we got the dresses yesterday (let me just say that yesterday was an incredibly awful day for me)so when we got the dresses, it was like "ugh i can't believe how ugly they are" and i was incredibly free with my opinions. i was upset. i was frustrated. but i was too critical. i realize that i made a mistake. it was not the best thing to do. as is evidence by the offense that i caused a friend of mine. i called to apologize. but as these things often go, she didn't really accept it. she said everything was fine. but i saw her today and it's not how they seem. i will believe her. and not assume that she is still mad at me. but, it's hard not to. i feel very stuck. also because we're voting whether or not to keep the dresses today. and if they get revoked. how will she feel? it didn't help that i was the one trying to organize the whole thing. like i said. i am a jerk. so i stepped down. and now i will just be one of the masses. i will vote. share my opinion when necessary. but i still feel really awful about what happened... i don't know how to fix it. it seems as if i'm being unnecessarily disgusting lately.

i found The Glass Menagerie in the library a few days ago, and found a part that i related to completely.
the son is entirely frustrated by his mother, and after too much, he simply explodes, screaming this.

"i'm going to opium dens! Yes opium dens of vice and criminal hangouts, mother i've joined the Hogan gang, I'm a hired assassin, i carry a tommy gun in a violin case! i run a string of cat hoses int he valley. they call me killer. killer wingfield. i'm leading a double-life a simple honest warehouse worker by day, by night a dynamic czar of the underworld mother. i go to gambling casino's, i spin away fortunes at the roulette table. i wear a patch over one eye and a false mustache, sometimes i put on green whiskers. on those occasions they call me el diablo! oh i could tell you many issued to make you sleepless. my enemies plan to dynamite this place. they're going to blow us all sky-high some night! i'll be glad, very happy. and so will you! you'll go up on a broom stick over blue mountain with seventeen gentlemen callers. you ugly babbling witch!"

and while he's yelling, he breaks his sisters glass menagerie...
and he regrets. he mourns. his mistakes.

and this is pretty much how i reacted... except about dresses
not... drugs...

finally figured out

i think i have finally realized why..

let me explain.
this morning, i was in the music office with kyle and we started talking about the mission trip. he asked me if i was going to go and i said no. he then asked me why, and my gut response was "because i wouldn't want to cheat anyone"
i think this is probably one of the reasons why i am the way that i am... i don't like being a part of something, when i'm not fully involved, or capable of becoming involved completely. i'm not passionate about very many things. and yes, going on a mission trip would be exciting. but if i went, and someone else didn't. i would feel incredibly guilty. because they probably have more initiative than i do.
this year, i don't feel like being in bel canto. why? because i'm not ready for it. i'm not prepared to deal with everything. i'm not excited about school.
all of these things is just... bearing down on my mind. i want to become passionate, but there is nothing for me to do that with.
i haven't yet figured out why i'm so void of emotion, or i guess i should say incredibly bipolar right now. but at least a smidge of the puzzle has been filled. yes?
i'm still frustrated with so many things. not a day goes by when i don't feel like bursting into a flood of tears. and talking to people only makes it worse. it's an unnecessary burden upon innocent souls.
a few nights ago i had a breakdown. i was on the phone with my dad, and i couldn't even control it. i didn't see it coming at all. it was a complete surprise. i was and am still very upset about the whole thing. it sparked from the conversation "what am i doing with my life" i freaked out. and i couldn't even feel release through talking with him. it was like i was robbing him of his chance to speak to me. i was wasting his time by making him listen to my pathetic story...
i feel like i'm draining everyone of their happiness. like i'm destroying them by being concerned about me.
and the funny thing is. i'm a listener. i'm supposed to be listening to them talk about what makes them upset. not the other way around

right now though. i feel very lost.
i haven't found my niche yet. so i'm borrowing the space of others.

and it's not right
it's not okay

forever

it seems like it's taken at least forever since i've begun attending at bma...
i just want to get out.
so far, we've had to deal with the stresses of senior retreat
and bel canto dresses
mosaics
forced fun.
and it's only entering the fourth week.
i'm not sure how much more of this i can take...

sigh... all summer i wanted to get in
and now all i want to do is get out...

but perhaps, sometime soon, it will get better...
right?
at least that is what my dad keeps trying to tell me.. but i'm not sure how much i'm willing
and or accepting of that idea
seeing as how he's been saying it since he lost his job like a bazillion years ago....
still doesn't have another one.

and it feels like forever since i've enjoyed life...
like forever since i've laughed without hesitation
forever since i haven't missed someone...