finally figured out

i think i have finally realized why..

let me explain.
this morning, i was in the music office with kyle and we started talking about the mission trip. he asked me if i was going to go and i said no. he then asked me why, and my gut response was "because i wouldn't want to cheat anyone"
i think this is probably one of the reasons why i am the way that i am... i don't like being a part of something, when i'm not fully involved, or capable of becoming involved completely. i'm not passionate about very many things. and yes, going on a mission trip would be exciting. but if i went, and someone else didn't. i would feel incredibly guilty. because they probably have more initiative than i do.
this year, i don't feel like being in bel canto. why? because i'm not ready for it. i'm not prepared to deal with everything. i'm not excited about school.
all of these things is just... bearing down on my mind. i want to become passionate, but there is nothing for me to do that with.
i haven't yet figured out why i'm so void of emotion, or i guess i should say incredibly bipolar right now. but at least a smidge of the puzzle has been filled. yes?
i'm still frustrated with so many things. not a day goes by when i don't feel like bursting into a flood of tears. and talking to people only makes it worse. it's an unnecessary burden upon innocent souls.
a few nights ago i had a breakdown. i was on the phone with my dad, and i couldn't even control it. i didn't see it coming at all. it was a complete surprise. i was and am still very upset about the whole thing. it sparked from the conversation "what am i doing with my life" i freaked out. and i couldn't even feel release through talking with him. it was like i was robbing him of his chance to speak to me. i was wasting his time by making him listen to my pathetic story...
i feel like i'm draining everyone of their happiness. like i'm destroying them by being concerned about me.
and the funny thing is. i'm a listener. i'm supposed to be listening to them talk about what makes them upset. not the other way around

right now though. i feel very lost.
i haven't found my niche yet. so i'm borrowing the space of others.

and it's not right
it's not okay