a day in the life....

sunday night, i usually end up tossing and turning
trying to go to sleep,
finally i do.. and for a while it is good
but too quickly the alarm rings at 6
and i have to get started...
my 10-15 minute shower, followed by usually 15 minutes of
getting ready for DAY.
around 6:30
i head to pookie's room and wait another 5-7 minutes for her
to get ready.
then we head to breakfast...
where we look for lucky tray's and
try to finish our food by 6:50
so that we can go to choir.
every
minute
of choir
drags.
i look at
the clock every minute.
i don't sit in the back where it's safe to read a book
or study note cards anymore.
i sit in the front, where i can't see anything
and i feel suffocated...
i sing in the front where my voice doesn't come out.
instead, it blends with all of the people behind me
drowning me.
i sit,
and stare
at the clock
for every single one
of the 60 minutes of choir
until i can leave.
sometimes i stay and ask pooper to play for me
before i head over to the computer lab and
check my email.. or write a blog... (like today)
then i head to work
usually at around 8:30
clock in at the business office... and then
head towards the k-room
usually, there isn't anything for me to grade on monday's
so i sit. in the green chair
in the corner
and wait for two and a half hours
for the rest of my day to start.
i sit. and watch every minute leave
before i can.
one hundred and fifty minutes
i watch them.
after work, i scurry over to the voice lesson
with mr. flores (on monday's)
where he always tells me that i need to practice
and open my mouth when i sing.
every monday he tells me this.
after voice lessons, i have 45 minutes to wander around, maybe finish
some assignment due for some class
that i would rather not be taking. or i wander over to the lobby
and sit
and wait for
forty five minutes
to leave.
somewhere in that lovely little escape, i will find danika
and we will find pookie
and we will find lunch.
which takes up a good portion of the twelve hour. but then i have
an hour or so to wait until fourth period starts
usually,
i take a nap.
i go back to my room
and wait for my hour to leave.
i toss and turn waiting for sleep
before it finally comes
and the alarm rings.
taking it all away, and more. before
i head over to class
groggy, and incompetent.
where i end up taking a quiz for something
i didn't read.
and fail...
then i wait for the next 50 minutes
of that class... to be over
i watch 50 minutes leave.
i don't have a class 5th period.
usually, i sit with gabby in the computer lab
while she does her notes
and i wait for 75 minutes to leave.
i wait... and watch each minute leave.
6th period we have AP english
a class that i do not enjoy.
i spend too much time in that room.
all morning
and a class every day.
ap english is accompanied by 75 minutes, i watch leave...
i watch the clock, until i can go to supper.
when the bell rings.
i do.
i go to supper, where i do not eat the food.
instead cereal and water
because i need to shed a few.
not want. need.
after supper i head to my room.
gabby and i will spend time together.
usually she has notes.
so i will waste 60 minutes
sitting in my room.
waiting for them to leave.
after they do. i wait ten more minutes
before heading down to dorm worship.
where someone will think about marking me late
and i will wait for another 20 minutes to leave.
the rest of the night is spent in my room.
waiting until i feel it is okay for me to go to sleep
and then, around ten o clock
after i have waited all day to enjoy this.
i toss and turn.
and find no joy
in falling and remaining asleep.
normally, i don't.
i wake up two or three times in the night
waiting for it to refresh me
waiting for the rest
to replenish me.
but it doesn't
and so i wake up
tired, and unprepared
to face waiting for my life to end.
i spend 745 minutes out of 1440 minutes of the day
waiting.
i live. for about an hour.
every a day.
i truly live. for about AN HOUR.

i find no joy here.
there is no reason why
i am being kept.
i have no energy for classes
and if i did, i would not desire to take them.
i am tired of living
here, home
i am tired.
my deepest darkest desire (alliteration)
right now.
is to REST
not sleep
i want to rest
and i don't want to wake up.
i'm tired of watching my minutes die.
i am tired of having no passion
i am tired of the bitter moods
i find myself residing in.
i am tired of being unable to smile

i want to rest.
and i don't want to wake up.