it's not a curse..

a few days ago, i was practicing for my recital
and there is this song that mr. flores showed me...
there is this line...
it's my favorite line in the whole song.
"there lies a tempest in hiding"
i was thinking about it,
i can't stop thinking about it
and with the situations that have come up as of late...
i can't help but see it everywhere.

i haven't really told anyone yet
but, i died
not physically...
mentally.
first semester, my head was arrested by my cardiac...
i don't remember who told me, but
someone proposed the idea, that
we can alter the way other people perceive us...
simple idea right?
well what about the way that we see ourselves...
can we blind that as well...?
my whole life
i have felt microscopic.
there are a lot of things that i don't understand about myself.
in order to cope with that... i
drowned myself in the idea that no one else
can understand me either...

i remember
i was 8, and my mom was pregnant
i had grown up for 8 years without my
sister...
my mom was in the living room.
and i was as well, doing homework.
and i saw a spider on the ceiling..
i told my mom...
she looked at me... and was like..
go get a broom and kill it...
i hated spiders...
i had sort of an unnatural phobia
that my dad and brother found absolutely hilarious...
and so i told her i couldn't
she looked at me... like i was
the most horrible child
like she hated me...
like she hoped the baby she was about to have
would be a better child that i was.
she yelled... "SHIT"
and she stomped over to the broom.
and killed the spider...