i didn't mean it, i'm sorry

i was about to say that wallow is a palindrome.
but unfortunately i am mistaken.

i just sneezed like 10 times in a row.
normally, this would be making me laugh
but, i am afraid to report that i am a bit
or... i guess i should say, a lot under
the weather.
maybe it's just that time of year again
but, i've been congested all day today
with a horribly present head ache.
that did NOT go away with tylenol...
i think it did knock out the fever.
which was 98.9 after i took it..

i wish that i could use that as my
excuse for being a jerk this
weekend. but honestly. i don't think it
does. poor nikki. i've been beating her up
and making it seem like it's her fault.
i am so disgusted with myself right now.
the only reason i get mad at her is
because she has what i don't.
and i can't. and i'm jealous.
so i find things to nit pick her for.
and i'm so sorry.
i don't deserve my friends.

we had the sa christmas party last night
and all i could do was criricize everything
and walk around like i hated life.
i hate this person i'm becoming.
it's not me.

i keep waiting for the reasoning to pop
out and hit me on the forehead.
THIS is why you've been acting this way
THIS is why
THIS is why
but i haven't found any of them yet.

i just want it to stop.
i want all of the people i love to
wake up
and realize that they don't want me in
their lives.
i want my dad to wake up, and be happy
again.
and i want to go to sleep
i want to sleep
then i wouldn't have to walk around
with an aura of disgust
and i wouldn't have to stare at this
disgustingly bulbous body every morning in the
mirror,
and i wouldn't have to think about everything
so hard.
and i wouldn't have to pretend like
everythings okay.
even though everyone knows that it's not.
and i wouldn't have to feel like no one cares anymore

and i think... i'm most excited about not waking up.
and it scares me how serious i really am about it
i don't want to wake up.
ever.

this summer, was one of the worst
i didn't do anything.
because i'm not good at anything.
everything i do, is pathetic, and awful and WRONG
it's like the slightly less powerful midas touch.
i feel like a plague
that's destroying everything good and joyous.
and i just want it to end.
the only thing i'm good at
is crying
and stealing the nase's tissues and advil.

i heard someone say a few days ago,
in a childrens story in church
that if you pray, god will take care of
all of your problems.
well... maybe i'm doing it wrong.