in contiunation

there are to terrible things.
when someone hurts a loved one
and when someone you don't like sings one of your
favorite songs.

this weekend i was at kyle's house.
it was leadership retreat. so almost everything with legs was gone.
including pookie.
so in order to have a weekend NOT like last one. i went to kyle's house.
well. it turns out
that i probably should have stayed in the dorm.

i ended up feeling really uncomfortable most of the time. their family has a very distinct way of interacting. as in. they have really short fuses with each other. (and it seems to me as if the mrs. isn't happy, at all.) so it leaves me feeling awkward and unsure... like a child. (not only because they're filthy rich, and my family can't even afford to buy food anymore. mostly because i'm here. care to throw in another guilt trip?) it doesn't seem like they really appreciate anything. (not to complain about a very common cliche...)
i felt really out of place there.
like an alien.
so i was pretty melencholy the whole weekend.
but i think that i've decided that i don't want to create an atmosphere in my home where children can't grow up.
it's seriously what their house felt like to me.
i felt like a little kid who wasn't allowed to make any decisions....

i'm sick of being here.
i just want to dissapear.

lately every time i turn to someone that i love for advice, or for comfort
they all turn away like i have the plague.
it's like they're disowning me.
i don't understand.

i call home, they pretty much are ignoring me now.
i talk to someone up here, they look at me like i'm retarded.
why the heck am i trying so hard to love people, when they don't love me back?
i'm ready now... to start my life.
i feel very very ... alone all the time.
it's not moods anymore

it has stopped dissipating.
and is now constant.
i feel ignorant, and ashamed most of the time.
and... i dont' even know anymore.