a confession

i came home today.
both my mom and dad came to pick me up.
which is kind of awkward when you think about it..
at least it was for me.
my dad has never come to get me on homeleaves.
not in the three years that i've been at bma.
he hasn't come once.

it's strange to think that he can be so busy
even though he doens't have a job.
it was an interesting thought to me...

i'm very much regretting coming home
my computer broke, so i'm using my dads...
there's nothing to cook. and i'm pretty much
just stuck cooped up in the house... all day.
:/ i was so scared of having nothing to do,
i finished my state rep. project for government.

i'm very ashamed of what my life has become.
at school, i spend my days wandering around
wishing that i had something to occupy my time
and at home, i'm just trying to stay away from
depression.
this is my day to day life...
and yet, as much as i hate it
i'm not sure that i have enough energy
to become pasisonate about anything.
i think it's humorous in a way, that i started enjoying
photography, but now, pookie is the one that takes the pictures.
and, i used to write, but now... i leave it up to others to write
my poems... i used to sing. but i can't anymore.
i used to sing all of the time. on the path down to classes,
down to lunch
up to the dorm.
but i can't anymore.
i can't...

everything that i love, is being shaken away from me.

this week, i got so mad at pooper.
i get mad at him a lot, and... he doesn't really care
and i think that's one of the things that bothers me.
pretty much, i feel like i'm the only one that cares
about our relationship.
and i miss him.
even with nothing to do, i haven't been able to spend
time with him, and he hasn't even cared.
and i'm so frustrated. because our relationship is
one sided.
and i'm no longer tall enough to complete that task.
so, i wrote him an official friendship resignation.
i haven't given it to him yet.
i don't think i will.
because he won't care...
it's not like i haven't talked to him about this before
i have.
perhaps i did not articulate myself well enough.
which seems to happen.
but, nothing has changed.
so i can't see how, doing that, would solve anything.
it would just make me feel awful, knowing that i mean that much to him...
and i'm not willing to sever the ties yet completely
i'll wait until college for that.
i know it's going to happen.
it's inevitable.
if he can't have a relationship with me now,
there's no way that he will later...
and it sucks... yes.

but what am i to do?

i have a knot in the back of my neck.
it's getting really bad.
but i dont' have anyone to get it out for me
and i am in pain.
ow.