call me crazy.....

but i think i'm going to make my own notebook...

start to finish.

sounds ridiculous right?

WELLLLLLL

i was browsing through some sketchbooks on the internet... i haven't even finished the lewis and clark inspired one yet... and i'm already in the market for another book. and i was looking through some of the notebooks that people had made. and i think i can do it. i made paper in art class. if i can find a screen or something, i think it would be a good project to consider. maybe i'll start with a small 20 page something to start out with. i'll have to find a rack or something to hang the paper on while it's drying so that it will fold easily, but i think it would work out really nicely... and i could search for fabrics for the cover and... i'm really excited. ridiculously excited...

:D

pretty woman

"People's reactions to opera the first time
they see it is very dramatic.
They either love it or they hate it.
If they love it, they will always love it.
If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it,
but it will never become part of their soul."

i can't sleep. i've been going to bed pretty late the past couple of days... slash since i got home. i'm running out of things to do. i've painted my room. i've cleaned it oh 6 or 7 times, i drew an old man and a baby. i beat monkey island 1 and 2... ugh. (not all in one night) but what am i supposed to do with myself?

so tonight, i'm watching pretty woman... really, i'm a sucker for a cute story. i think though, that my favorite part is when they argue... just the ... the two of them they're so brutally honest all the time. and when they fight. it's not stressful, or scary or anything. it's still okay... which is good. maybe it's stupid, but i've never had an argument with someone where i wasn't scared they weren't going to love me anymore... be it boyfriend, or best friend. even my family... and i'm sitting here at 2:15 am about to cry, because they make it look so easy. (even though their arguments aren't real)and i'm jealous. i'm unbelievably jealous. i want to yell at someone. i want to argue and i don't want to be afraid of whether or not they still want to hang out with me. i want to indulge in a little cofrontation.

adventure game!

tonight i played an adventure game with my brother. we started at like 2 something. and we didn't finish until around 11:30. but there were some breaks in between and only minimal cheating. it was the something of monkey island. very cute. based off of the pirates of the caribbean ride.
it felt good to do something with my time. i want to get out of this funk. ugh.
i got to talk to nikki today. YAY! she got my letter :) and everything is okay. for which i am very very excited.
i also started a picture today. my first pencil drawing, since like, february. i've been stuck in the pens for a while. and i think i'm losing something. i can't get it right. i almost ripped it to pieces a few times. maybe i should just stay with pens... hah. we'll see how it goes.
i like completing things.

oh, and i cut open a toothpaste bottle... to see if i was right
i was...
and now i feel a little foolish.

is it? or isn't it....?

i was reading yesterday, about this woman who had decided that marriage was obsolete. she claimed that back when people were farmers, they needed a life partner, and the children to help them survive. but now with the institution of women's rights and equality and such, now, instead of being necessary, it's just a nuisance. and now parents are over-parenting their children. i was thinking about this a lot. my initial reaction after hearing this was huh, that makes sense. but i suppose that i am too attached to the institution of marriage and i was trying to find some way to justify the other way around. but i was thinking. if marriage is obsolete, than why are so many people GETTING MARRIED? even if half of them get divorced, a good chunk of divorcees decide to get remarried.
i was thinking, that the institution itself may not be so crucial to our survival. but people still have this need to find their life partner. we start at an early age. one of the first questions we ask people that we just meet "do you have a girlfriend" maybe most of the hunting is really about sex, but at the same time. many people believe that you need to have feelings for someone before you do the dirty. even if you wait for the second date... but even if it wasn't about sex, most people put a huge amount of time and energy into relationships. with friends or with future lovers. it seems like one of the most important things, is spending time with people you love. i think that we all have a desire to live with someone, to share our life. even people who never get married, or waste away in some super huge office building controlling minions. people want to be with other people. people want to be understood. so, i think that even if marriage doesn't benefit society. it doesn't really need to... it benefits the individuals.

i've always wondered how they get the toothpaste with different colors, to come out in their separate sections. at first i just thought, that they put it in the tube like that. but then i was thinking, NO, because when you squish it around so much, it's going to mix. so now i have this theory that there are thin plastic dividers inside the toothpaste tube, to keep everything separated... yeah.... this is what i think about.

pondering

"matilda and miss honey both got what they always wanted; a loving family"

i watched matilda today. it's so funny. i only watched it once when i was little, or at least, my dad only let me watch it once. but i loved that movie. i used to watch it at other people's houses. my dad didn't like it because it had some magic in it. he never let us watch aladdin either. (which is strange because caleigh's allowed to watch whatever she wants... ugh) but for some reason, i had the book -go figure- i read it so much, it was all weathered and i'm pretty sure i dropped it in some water somewhere, the front cover was all warped. i read it all the time. i really enjoyed charlie and the chocolate factory too! and james and the giant peach. roald dahl was one of my hero's.
i think i'm going to see if i can find his books at the library or something.

i went to the flea market today. i bought this really cute pair of elephant earrings. i've been thinking about getting my ears pierced for a while now. i think i started really considering around the end of april. i've been really intrigued with the whole thing ever since i was little. i used to put those little stickers on my ears... over class trip, i was going to go ahead and do it, but i wasn't yet 18, and i decided that since i was going to be camping like crazy over the summer, i should just hold off for a while. but i've been researching it. i don't think i want to attach myself with something that might have some interesting or negative connotations... so far, i've found out that people have been piercing their ears for a really long time. some tribes used to think that demons could enter your soul through your ears, so they would wear the metal in their ears, as a way of prevention. back in the day slaves would get their ears pierced showing that they belonged to their owners. and it seems like it was mostly used as a right of passage for both men and women.
i'm not sure that i would be able to subscribe to any of these, i kind of just really want to do it. i've been thinking about it a lot. i don't exactly want to rush into something. so far the only bad thing that i can see, is that it's permanent. BUT the only mark, is a tiny hole, that most people probably won't be able to notice unless they're looking for it. and if i ever get tired of wearing earrings... (here's the kicker, which is why i don't find the permanent thing very daunting) i don't have to put them in my ear. and after time, the hole will close up -depending on how long i've been wearing them- it's not as serious as getting a tattoo or something. (i don't have any interest in getting a tattoo... i know that if i ever got one, i'd probably regret it the second they finished... besides, i don't think i've ever seen a tattoo that wasn't in an awkward place. there really isn't anywhere to put them that doesn't look weird...
so really... what do i have to lose? not much... what do i have to gain? not really very much either. but i havent't found a reason that screams "no" yet... i guess we'll just have to see.

La Belle et la Bête

today.

i got to spend some time with my sister. i woke up at around 11:30. last night i didn't end up getting to bed until around 4:30. i haven't really been able to go to sleep before 2. when i woke up this morning, she was watching cartoons. so, i got some breakfast, and after a show, i decided it would be a good idea to say goodbye to the squeaky voiced and brightly colored oddities. so we conversed for a short while on what we should do. caleigh really enjoys computer games, so we went downstairs to play one. we decided on SPY FOX! i hadn't played in a really long time, so i let her play and i just kind of directed from the background... after the game, she wanted to go on a bike ride...

i haven't gotten on a bike since i got home. but as soon as i got ingrid out of the garage, i don't know. i just, felt right... i was just so happy. we only rode around the block a few times. i guess that's as far as dad lets her go. it seems so silly and ridiculous, but i just felt like everything was okay again...

we got back to the house, cleaned up, and then i fixed her hair. she likes that sort of thing. so i french braided it. then she made up this game where she was trying to get from my dresser to my bed without touching the floor. and she was making up all of these crazy rules to it... it was strange. but she had fun i guess.

then we decided to paint our nails! yay! such girlie fun right? i don't know, i was thinking about this, i'm not really sure what the big fuss is. i used to be so enamored with painting my fingernails. it was very monumental to my self expression back in the day. since i wasn't allowed to wear make up and i was still in that awkward self conscious state of mind so clothes didn't need to reflect me, they just needed to drown me. i took to painting my nails quite regularly. i had so many different colors. greens and blues purples yellows. all different. i would change them like every week...(i remember this one day, the lunch lady had the same color that i did, and it really freaked me out). but when i went to bma, i wasn't allowed to wear it anymore. so i wore the natural colors, and all of the funky one's on my toes. but after a while, i stopped bringing them to school with me, and i don't know. i guess i just sort of grew out of them. i really dislike having nail polish on my fingernails. most of the time i can't even handle clear. i just don't find it attractive or flattering, or anything at all. it just looks ugly. but i painted my toes today, for old times sake. and in order to bond with caleigh. but really, it's such an odd thing to do.

well after that thought provoking incident, we decided to eat some supper, and watch BEAUTY AND THE BEAST! i made some very fabulous grilled cheese sandwiches. usually i'm not very good at making them, but tonight, it just worked. so we sat down and watched this classic movie. it's one of my favorites. i was researching it online because... i have problems concentrating sometimes. so i was looking it up, and i found a copy of the semi-original fairy tale for like 7 dollars. and i think, that when my dad decides to refund me (he can't access his money until sunday or something like that, so he borrowed ALL of my money... uhm.) so when i get my money back, i think i'm going to buy it. such a good story. i almost cried today when we were watching it. sigh. the part with the library, and then with the snowball.... and with the sparkly rain...

and after that, everyone came home. so no more babysitting for me.
today was a good day.
i got a book in the mail... it says who it's from, but i don't know who they are, so i can only assume who sent it to me. i read it to caleigh today. i'm not sure if she enjoyed it quite as much as i did. but i was beaming, i was so happy...

defluffed.

i washed the pillow that i made in textiles. i was trying to get the camping-ness out of it. but it turned out that i only succeeded in making the shag part come out. so i wasted some time trying to put it back together. and now it looks somewhat normal. i finished painting my room today. i even put a little elephant in the corner. well, not really the corner. he's inbetween my dresser and bookshelf. he's only about two inches... really cute.
apparently i'm babysitting tomorrow. no one let me know. mom is working, dad is working. chad is either working or going to class. so i am left at home alone with the little munchkin. not that i mind. i'm completely okay with this. but at the same time, there wasn't even a "oh hey carly would you mind watching caleigh tomorrow?" or a "since everyone is out tomorrow, will you watch caleigh?" nothing. so, i'm not really sure what i'm going to be doing with the little one. maybe hopefully something fun that she won't resent me for later... i don't know... it could happen.
my dad is trying to decide whether or not he wants to go and work at meadow view. which is all very strange seeing as how they fired him... uhm. but if he works there, i'll be able to go to andrews for dirt cheap. which would be nice. but i'm not sure if i want to go to andrews. i really dislike the adventist system right now. i don't think i want to go dive headfirst into a pool of it. but it would be nice to go live up there. maybe pookie will room with me. i hate that i've been changing my mind so much about all of this. but if i do decide to go to andrews, what will i do about moving in with brianna. all of the first year students need to live on campus. or so i've heard. i wasn't even sure if i wanted to move up there or not. i don't know how capable i am of doing something like that quite yet. i'm freaking out so completely... i just wish someone would hand me directions. i can't really factor in the andrews thing quite yet because dad didn't say if he was going to go in for the interview. i think though. if that works out. i'll definitely end up going to school up there... and we'll see how long i can take it... ugh. why is this all so complicated?

childhood

have you ever visited a place of your childhood? like an old classroom or the park or something. it always strikes me how little everything seems. when you're small, of course you're going to see things from way down there... but when you grow up, something gets lost. you just feel ridiculous.
i don't think i want to lose my childish perceptions. things are so easy to conquer when you don't have as far to fall.

i'm almost done with my room. tomorrow i need to go and get some more painters tape. then i'll be able to put the last few lines in. maybe while i'm out i'll get a mini paintbrush. i was thinking about painting some elephants and stick figures around the edges. it'd be really cute.

teeth

tomorrow i have an appointment with the dentist to fix whatever is wrong with my tooth. and i'll probably find out that my wisdom teeth are coming in soon. there is some pain.... ugh. i'm just really scared. i hate going to the dentist. i don't think i've ever had a positive experience. i'm really just freaking out.
so in order to quell my butterflies, i've been trying to plan for people's birthday surprises.

i'm really upset right now...
i just want to be happy.

not done quite yet

i started the process this morning at around 10:45. it took me a while to put the tape up, and sweep the walls down, move all the furniture and such... so i didn't start painting really until like 11:40-something. i started with the windows, i figured they would be the hardest. then i moved to the left wall, hopped over to the right wall, took a lunch break. washed everything out, and then switched paint colors for the last wall, which is in the photo. the three other walls are the light beige color. the blue is what it was before i started painting. and the dark brown is what the stripes are going to be in, SO. this is how far i've gotten.
and i still have a little bit more to go... tomorrow will start coat 2. and then wed. i'll probably start the stripes :D

working

"baby i can't figure it out, your kisses taste like honey"

tonight, i bought the paint for my room.
i'm painting it brown. changing rooms with my brother didn't work out. so i decided to go ahead and paint it anyway. so tonight, i'm going to either work on that drawing for steevo, or i'm going to start moving my furniture so that i can paint in the morning. i got two different types of brown. i'm going to take pictures of the process. the window and two attached walls are going to be light brown and the one across from the windows is going to be the dark chocolate brown. and then one of the light brown walls, will have some criss-crossed dark brown lines. at least i think that's how i want it to go. i don't think i want the dark brown to be the wall with the window, because that's where the light comes in, and i don't want to kill that. but i'm not sure if i want to put the dark wall next to the windows, or across from them.
and i'm sorry if i'm boring you with all of this talk. but i need something to occupy my time while i try to get out of this funk. so right now. this is the only project that i have.... i'm diving in!
gonna go start moving furniture! :D

another day,...

i'm really not doing very well today.
last night i was freaking out, and i couldn't get to sleep
today, i was browsing for paint colors...
when i got home, i just sort of broke down
i can't help thinking
what if this is all that i'm supposed to
do with my life.
what if all i'm going to amount up to is a quitter.
how can i even think about going to michigan when i can't even go
to canada.
how can i presume to think i'm ready to live on my own.
what if i go, and i can't do it?

i'm just really scared.
i'm scared, that i might be stuck here for the rest of my life
i can feel myself sinking into a depressed state of mind. and i can't stop it.
i just want someone to come and hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

what else

would i be doing with my saturday morning
than looking up ways to make my future children's breakfasts enjoyable

so far i have discovered that if i want these kids to have an imagination,
i need to have one as well.
kids like bite sized things. so! cut the fruit!
kids also like fun shapes.
so, no normal sandwiches or pancakes...
cookie cutters!
so far, this one is my favorite....

really?

i took one of those dorky quizzes today, just as a "hmm, let's pass the time" sort of moment, and this is what it came up with....
flattering, yes. truthful? probably not

You constantly analyze the deeper meaning of all that occurs in your life. You are on a never-ending journey to find your purpose in life. You are able to see through the surface of situations and the facades that people often carry. You are observant and non-judgmental. Your creative and thoughtful mind enhances your chosen and natural talents. You feel deeply and passionately about everything that you do. Your life is about the pursuit of knowledge, understanding, and answers. You have a great depth to your heart and mind that some may find intimidating and others will be drawn to.

you'd think

that since i spend so much time with myself
i'd know who i really am.
but most of the time, i wake up
and have no idea where the hell i've ended up.

"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."-eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

some aftermath

so, i didn't make it to canada. i didn't even make it out of pennsylvania. after about 135 miles, i burned out. and i'm really upset. i want to feel like i'm okay with my decision. but at the same time, i really wish that i could have made it. i feel like such a failure. maybe there are a lot of different factors to consider though. i felt really awful for making peter struggle with me. maybe i should've just dealt with it. but i just felt so horrible. he would stay behind with me while i was wheezing my way over hills. i couldn't take it. my legs were just so finished... and dan would go racing on ahead... i just.. i didn't feel like i belonged. i felt inferior. and i didn't want to feel like i was ruining their summer. so i left. in a nutshell, that is what went down. and now i get to explain to everyone that it just didn't work out.
there must be some good though. right? i went biking and camping for four days. with all of the training and preparation and such, i probably have somewhere around 200 miles conquered.

i'm really hoping that i don't just fade out this summer. i was really looking forward to spending time with peter, but now it looks like that's not going to happen. he tried so hard to keep my spirits up. i'm just sorry i'm not someone else, maybe it would've worked. i don't want to be a quitter.

i don't want to dwell on the negatives. yes, it would've been nice to continue, but maybe i should just look ahead, towards my future. i'll get to spend time with peter when he gets back, and i'll get to bug him about stories. i get to go to michigan in november.

i just need a little sunshine.

today is the trip down to peter's mom's house...
i'm a little nervous, i woke up this morning and felt
so awful. i hope that i feel better when we actually leave
i'm actually realy excited about the whole idea.
i just wish i was more, not feeling like i'm going to throw up...
i'm crossing my fingers that it's just the normal morning gross-ness..

yesterday i went out with brianna and katie to go see the bloom brothers.
i wasn't really sure what to expect. normally when i go places with
people i'm not extremely close to, i end up feeling intimidated and awkward
but this time it was completely different. it was refreshing. and i completely
loved the movie.

i've been thinking a lot about michigan. i have all of these irrational
doubts and fears about it. i'm a little scared. i think mostly because, i spend
most of my time waiting for other people to tell me what to do. for various reasons... and i'm kind of unprepared to be put in a place where what i say
actually matters... it's different. i think though, that i'm really going to
follow through with it. yes, i'm scared out of my mind. but i'm scared about a
lot of things. and there is so much that i could do up there. i think that not going would be more of a problem than going... now i just have to tell my family... :(

wrongwrongwrong

for the past few days, i've felt kind of leech-like
i don't know, maybe i'm just letting things get to
me. everything i do lately has just been wrong.
wrong thing to do, wrong thing to say. i feel so
ignorant.

arrival

i departed from my home at around 6 pm this evening
and have arrived safely at the gallatins house. i'm very excited to be here. i felt my perspectives changing as we crossed over from new jersey into penn. something about being home just sort of drowns me a little bit. and i always find myself slipping back into this state of lethargy and despair.
so i am thankful for some changes in scenery and for the opportunity to be somewhere else for a while.
and then the big trip is coming.
i'm glad that we have plans for tomorrow.
i was nervous that i would get up here, and not know what to do with myself.
i was scared that i would arrive and then freak out
because i'm just wasting my life in a different location. but so far.
the future is bright. and i am reaping in the benefits :D

we aren't laughing

we can't help but think
she's talking about us
instead of them.

sometimes
she realizes it's not true
routine.

she just forgets
that's what we say
she can't help it

but its not true.
we're burying her
piece by piece

we can't talk
she'll figure it out
we cover our lips

but she knows.
she knows
and she's angry

but she doesn't know
that we can tell.

she forgets her nose
when we walk by
she forgets
it's convenience

we can't remember
somethings
some things.

she picks up the pieces
for safe keeping
we don't know how to stop

unforgettable, that's what you are -false-

tonight is my last night at home... for a while. my dad took me out to get a book or two and of course my very fabulous dress, that i'm thinking i will wear tomorrow... or perhaps in a few days...
for graduation, a lovely gift card was bestowed upon me, and tonight i put it to good use. i bought some Wilde, and some Potok, and some Dostoyevsky :)
and i met a very fabulous elephant named wink

death of a

"the world is full of beds, and most of the beds are full of women"

i read the plot summary for "gone with the wind" today... maybe i shouldn't have. i just feel so much pain for Rhett

i was drifting in and out of a little mini depression today.
i ended up spending a significant amount of time with my aunt's dog, cleo
we are baby-sitting for a week or so because tracy decided to go down to north
carolina, and my grandma who normally watches cleo, went too. so.
i was very content sitting outside while cleo licked my face and jumped on my lap.
it's so strange, because i used to be so scared of dogs. but she just looked so sad.. i wanted to just hold her for a while... maybe this is a sign.
or a transition or something...
i couldn't help but think of how much i would enjoy having a dog... not a big one, but one of those little fluffy rambunctious ones...
although the poor dog... i would probably name it puppy

sometimes, i feel like i give people the wrong perception... i read some pages of my yearbook last night... and i was really surprised... i guess, i really don't understand how they could ever see me like that. i don't get it... i'm not really anything out of the ordinary. i hate feeling like i'm somehow deceiving people.

i'm trying to finish a picture of an elephant... and i just can't stay concentrated on it.... i really want to get it done, but i don't want to miss out on all of the important little details... i have considered just leaving it unfinished. but for my first elephant, in a series.... i don't think i can...
ugh. stupid stupid

she said what?

i'm feeling a little down today...
like a lonely sort of down.

the bay

i'm really getting rather excited about all of this biking around
today, i'm planning on going down and buying a dress :)a very cute
green summery dress!

yesterday, my dad tried to go on the bay, and the boat didn't start, so he came home and milled around for a bit, and then invited me to search for some roads and such in the area, the plan was that, while he was out fishing, i would be out biking :) so i google maps'd it and i found an 18 mile run... it was so pretty :) i had a picture ... but i took it with my phone, and my thumb was in the shot... *shame*
so i biked, and then went to the end of this road... that was surrounded by bay water... took this little sandy path, and my dad picked me up... we were on the bay for a while just chillin' and then when we were headed back to pack up and go, but we came across this guy, who had gotten his 21 ft. boat stuck on a tiny little sand bar... he was out in the water, with a rope... trying to pull it off... very interesting image... but we helped him, and he gave us a little money, insisting that he was about to call people and it would've cost him even more money... we we went back, packed up, and had a very nice pancake supper at ihop... at around 9 pm... haha. but it was all very fun, another adventure to add to the list..

one day

i think... i would like to end up like this

finally!

i'm getting my family out of the house today!
we're going to try out one of these bike trails :)
it's supposed to be 30 miles, but we're going to do about 13 of it..
bill and james are tagging along...

i've been looking at elephants all morning
i found a few pictures that would be good
to stipple... that's probably what i'll be
doing in my spare time up at danika's :)

this morning i was pretty close to freaking out
im getting a little nervous about canada
and i know it's ridiculous. but... i can't help it
it's now i function...
i'm just hoping that it goes away soon... it's rather
annoying :)

i'm very excited to be alive today...
and for my rekindled feist addiction

and WE'RE OFF!

joyous

tonight, i am dying my hair. in an attempt to find some semblance of normalcy... i also, finished my first stippling, IN COLOR. what fun. and this is a picture, of the second one... because the first one, was absolutely horrible :P

and this one has issues as well... but
i take solace in the fact that it is better than the previous.
i am trying to find more subject matter
i've been on this crazy artistic binge
i just want to soak it up!
i found this guy who is so amazingly talented. he stippled an elephant and there is no way to describe just how perfect it is. hopefully, i will be able to catch myself up to his level.

i have this impulse to go dive into a pool of art.
as silly and ridiculous as that sounds.
i want to create... and be understood.

and i want to eat some cake

strange

yesterday, i think i must have been a little depressed or something, because i woke up this morning, and all i wanted to do was go somewhere, and enjoy the trip... so i took my little bike down to pemberton lake :) as seen here

i stayed, and milled around for a bit, but then i went down to this cute little hidden building thing... im not sure how old it is, but i was pretty excited to see it.

well, then i biked around and found some chickens... and then i came home.

but i had fun... and i don't understand why yesterday was so horrible... ugh.. silly little girl :)

sometimes

i get this feeling
in my gut,
that i shouldn't go to sleep
because something will get me

like that feeling you get
before you throw up.
that catch in your throat

or when you think there's a monster in your closet
and you want to run and hide
in your parents bed...

that feeling that you shouldn't be
alone, because
there's something bad, just around the corner...

scared

my brother just offered to drop me off at a nj bike trail... i know that i should go.
i went biking today, but only 6 miles, and i know that i should go on this excursion, but i'm scared out of my mind to do it alone... i would probably be scared to do it with someone, but at least there is the comfort of having them there next to me. does this make me weak? pathetic maybe? she can't go by herself. i don't know what i'm walking into...

i just read a news article, about this woman who abducted her child, and fled to disney world...
i wouldn't have thought anything of it, except she seemed a little like me.
her husband said that it came out of nowhere and she was always leaving him little notes saying she loved him...
maybe that's what my future has resigned to...

truly, best night ever!

peter came to surprise me for my birthday today!
i was working on a picture for nathanael, and he walked in the door
i was so happy i almost cried..!
and we toasted, with toast...
and now he's sleeping (or he is supposed to be)
and i am getting ready to go to bed..
and jacob wrote me a birthday song..
i'm just so happy

we're not

i just got off of the phone with pooper. he called to talk about the note that i wrote him for graduation... (just goes to show you that you shouldn't write letters to people while you're incredibly depressed and bawling your eyes out...) (i didn't tell him that part) i get frustrated with pooper a lot because i don't feel like he cares about me... at all. and we've had this conversation before, i know... but then after, nothing really changes. i just get so angry, because i don't think he understands how important it is to me. we just had this drawn out conversation about how i feel like when people don't spend time with me, it means they don't love me.. (in his words)and of course it doesn't work like that for him, but that doesn't mean it isn't for me... i have an i-need-to-stay-in-contact-with-you sort of mentality. i need to leave people notes, or send ridiculous emails, or say hello when i'm walking by, or call at a random hour, send text messages... i need to. it's how i function. and maybe i should just shove the idea into my head, that not everyone is like me... but i'm like me... i need to feel like i've told you that i love you. so i write notes, and plan surprises, and all of that, because i have to say it. i need to tell you. and for some reason, i only get mad at pooper. but i actually feel like i'm friends with everyone else, but with pooper, it's different. i don't feel like i'm worthy of being his friend, i feel like i just bother him, and interrupt his life, and it's just horrible. i feel like he's saying, "you're not worthy of my time"
maybe i'm not...
arg! i shouldn't be allowed to feel! it just complicates things. i hate being misunderstood when i'm trying to talk... my dad was yelling at me this morning because i was trying to explain how he was making me feel. i just can't win... i don't even want to play the game anymore...
i hate this so much...
i wish someone would just be here...
.. with my luck they'd probably just run away screaming...

drama

sometimes, i just get so tired. last night, i was bawling my eyes out... ugh, such a girl. peter and i talked for a while, it cheered me up, but i didn't end up going to sleep until around 2:30/3:00. then my roommate woke me up at 6. i packed, went to the grad. service. DIDN'T cry (oh joy) but then i went to hang out with my family.
such fun...
i was berated for my future life goals and plans.
and of course drilled about the summer plans

you know? for once, i wish that they wouldn't...


i hate feeling like, every time i'm with my family
i'm the odd one out. they pick me, to make fun of,
sometimes, i really feel like its because im the
accident

bittersweet

tonight is my last trip to the gallatins (probably)
i am a little upset, just because it isn't how i imagined it would be
which is how many things have been going lately.
i just wish that everything would turn out alright now.
and i would feel like myself
i had a horrible dream last night.
i haven't really been sleeping very well all week actually
but last night, was probably one of the most surprising
and terrible dreams i've ever had.
who knows... maybe i'll never feel like me again. or
i'll never feel okay
i wish that was false...

ugh. i'm ready.

doom and gloom

i went to practice with pooper this morning. which was good, because i needed to actually feel like, i am somewhat preparing for this gelatinous recital of mine. the one song that i really wanted to work on, Il Mio Bel Foco. (pooper made me dance around and sing enthusiastically) and i am glad, if only because i finally was able to finish something. and i am comfortable with 3 out of 4 italian songs. but then, after we finished that, we moved on to only hope... and it was awful. and really, right now, all i want to do is cry... i used to sing it all the time, everywhere... but i haven't sung it in 3 years... so i tried it this morning, and it was awful. not only was i off on most of it, but there wasn't any emotion in it at all, and i'm so incredibly
upset. this was supposed to be a surprise. something nice, and right now, it's only awful. i kind of want to just throw it out... there is no higher form of redundancy. my last song, super epic! i just wanted it to be something, special. like an apology for not talking to him this year. maybe he'll snap back into reality. you know? but maybe it's not working because we don't work. how am i supposed to sing this song for him, when we don't make sense any more... perhaps i should just save it for a time when we are no longer at odds. but what if that never happens. is it enough to perform songs that have no meaning to him? but they have meaning to me!
i'm tired of stressing about this... i'm tired of thinking about it all the time. this morning i woke up every 5-10 minutes from 4 until 6:20. i'm tired of not enjoying myself. yesterday my mind shut down. i didn't think about anything at all, i just went through my classes in this awful kaleidoscopic misery. i keep freaking out whenever i wash my hair, i don't want it to fall out again...

i tried to explain to my mom this past homeleave, why i hated my dad when i was younger. she stared at me like i was ridiculous. i can't remember ever having fun with my dad back in the day. i'm sure that i did. but the only things that i DO remember are getting in trouble. i'm not even sure what i would do, apparently i was quite rebellious. but i don't remember that part. i remember that he was the one that would spank me, and then after i was completely bawling, he would give me a hug and tell me he loved me. i'm quite sure that i really did deserve the punishment. but i didn't feel like i deserved it. and i remember not understanding what had happened. it was hard for me to talk, it sill is hard for me to talk... i can't. it would be so much easier if people could just see into my head. maybe they would get it. but then when i grew up, our relationship was finally okay. everything was good, and then it just wasn't anymore. maybe i did something wrong, i don't know. maybe it's unfair of me to expect that singing this stupid song is going to change anything. i just want to blame him for everything wrong in my life. but at the same time, i know that i should really just be blaming myself. he's not responsible for what i do...
i'm not even sure that i want them to come...

the well rounded advice of the day is to suck it up and get over it. time to put on a happy face and get through the day...

thou wouldst fain

hmm, today, and yesterday, and the day before that, and actually this whole week really... i have been feeling rather down. i found this picture on deviant this morning, and i think it is a rather fair representation of my reasoning lately.

i've been working on my speech. i'm slightly aggravated with that, because i was talking with another classmate, and told them what i had planned, and then they gave their speech on what i had told them about... i'm not angry with them, just a little frustrated... they didn't warn me, or let me know and so now i'm trying to figure out if i still want to go ahead and go for it, or if i want to back down and try to scrounge something else up out of nowhere...
i'm a little disheartened.. there are so many things that i want to do, that i want to finish. but i am not allowed to do them, to work on them, to think about them. there are so many other things of pseudo-importance....

a little extra push

in my younger years i can remember absolutely hating friday nights. my family did not do anything at all. once the sun went down, everything else turned off (especially our minds) if we were lucky, my siblings and i would get to watch a veggitales movie. but most of the night was spent waiting until it was okay to go to sleep. but then saturday night, it was okay to do whatever we wanted... my sundays were amazing, but when thursday came, i was so depressed... i never really understood why people enjoyed the weekend. but my family became more and more liberal over the next couple of years. sixth grade brought about instant messaging for me... and so i would log onto the computer and try to have a conversation with someone. 7th and 8th grade brought about the salvation of a youth group. my brother and i would embark with dad over to melissa's house and stay until 10 or 11 and i wouldn't feel like my night was wasted. then bma came and having vespers really took the kick out of everything. on homeleaves though, it was back to the same old routine... and i used to go to jay leno's website and read all of the headlines that he had showed, the one's that i had missed while at school, and of course i would myspace... haha. but i was just sitting here, thinking how pathetic that all really is... tonight, is the friday night of my last bma homeleave, and i was just thinking about all of the other one's...and how tomorrow i will probably not go to church, because i do not enjoy going. so i will sleep in and say goodbye to my family, the rest of the day will probably be spent doing something adventurous, then the next day is sunday which means hopefully waking up in time to go to the flea market, and making sure that everything is packed so that i can go back to bma, and finish out the rest of my 5 weeks. it's all rather upsetting at this point...

i went biking today. twice, actually. (i took my sister around the block) instead of doing the 14 mile loop (which is more than double what i did yesterday) i cut it up. baby steps right? i went on a 10 mile loop. i had not realized, because i wasn't really paying attention, that one of the roads that i was biking on, is one of the major roads in the area. so i was on the road with huge cars and trucks going way faster than i was comfortable with. it was an eye opener. mostly i think, because i was alone. it made me realize, just how fragile i really am. i kept thinking about all of the worst case scenarios. what would happen if a bug hit me in the eye and i swerved a little too far and BAM! i'm gone. i couldn't help imagining what it would feel like to get hit by a car/truck/large vehicle. every time they passed me, i thought about it. how close do i need to get. how close CAN i get. what happens if i stick out my hand. i'm not wearing a helmet. will it hurt. i don't have my phone on me, it would take them a while to find out.

i painted today, and by painted i mean, i found six small tubes of water based paints in my room that i have been meaning to use, so i emptied them all into the lid of a shoebox and mixed them all together. there is a fairly interesting color pattern in it.. it's drying right now because there is so much of it, i think i'm going to keep it. i found them while i was cleaning out my room. it happens every once in a while... i'd say about once a month, around homeleaves. i come back into my room and see all of those things, just sitting there, so i get a trash bag, and go through everything that i own, throwing things out... just getting rid of them. it's an interesting experience. i remember that i once must have cared so much about whatever it is that i'm getting rid of. i must have, if i have kept it for so long. but now, i don't feel anything for it at all, and i need to get it out of my room. all of these things that i used to love, i absolutely cannot stand. they are contaminating my silly little existence. it's all very strange because actually, i am a very sentimental person. i cannot bear to throw something away if someone gave it to me, or if it has some memory attached to it. so where are these memories from all of these things i am getting rid of? is there a point when my memories won't mean anything to me anymore? i'm scared that eventually my soul will dry up.
my parents are hesitant to get rid of my furniture. it's the one thing that needs to go, but there is no place for it. i want it out. the dresser, the desk, that book case, the bed frame. i want them all out of here. i had this vision for my room. to paint the walls a deep earthy color, have my mattress on the floor in the corner/maybe middle of the room. and i want to install some shelves along the one wall for books/other shelfable objects... and i want everything else to be gone. but they are reluctant because A) they are unsure of when they will be able to replace the furniture B) they think that i'll change my mind after a week or so. which i can understand, but having all of this junk in my room depresses me so much... i don't think i can even explain it... it weighs on me.

there are things that are important to me, i will keep them.

expedition

i have convinced my little sister that it would be a fun and worthwhile adventure, if she came on a bike ride with me... SO, we will embark as soon as she is dressed for such lovely weather...

planning cont.

scratch that... haha
i went out, but i got lost,
so it was more like... 6 miles not 14
TOMORROW i will have correct directions!
off to the bank!

planning

today, i have a 14 mile route
i think i'm going to try out
wish me luck!

full of new

first night of my last homeleave.
first time buying a two piece swimming suit...
first try dying my hair to a color somewhat close to my original.

i've been organizing my recital music. i found some relatively cheap plastic things (so for to use) in the hopes that i would not be embarrassed by sharing or practicing the contents that dwell between the covers.

sorry boys....
i feel a little ridiculous right now... this whole two piece thing is really bothering me. for some reason, there are no longer friendly one piece bathing suits... i do not have the body for a two piece. i have been searching for a swim suit for the past couple months. when i was significantly heavier than i am now, i decided that they were of the devil and should not be worn under any circumstances. now that i am older, and slightly less bulbous, my qualms about it are fewer, but still present. after many weeks of frustrating stores, prices, and lack of materials... i decided that if it was my only option, whatever... but i can't help feeling a little insecure about it. there is no way that i am going to wear it without a cami on top... ha, good joke. but still... i feel a little strange knowing that by wearing this so called acceptable article of beach attire i am flaunting my external self. and i have no business doing so. the only people who look good in two pieces are size negatives... i'm a 7...
so now, i have the joy of feeling like a hippopotamus whenever i try to go swimming. joy.

excuse my babbling. i'm just one of many self conscious teenagers ha.

aftermath

yesterday, i went to DC with my class... we were looking through art museum's.
i suppose it wasn't exactly what i was thinking it would be, but i enjoyed the "art" part.. i think i've found a new favorite... two perhaps. (but they are both french
the first, jean dubuffet i love everything i saw at hirshhorn, but i just checked out the foundation. and i think i'm completely in awe of his sculptures... it fills me with happiness.
the second, louise bourgeois, they had an exhibit.. the whole floor. she was abused as a child, so most of her work is full of very explicit material, but reading her story, and walking through everything that she created, it was just so powerful... she had this series of stories... plates 1-9. i think those were my favorites...
there was a bit of sadness though, because i realized, museums really only take sculptures and paintings...

future

college plans?
i know what i would want to be studying,

now which college do i go to?
if any?

passions..

i've been trying to figure out
what my passions are for the past few weeks or so

this whole ordeal has been more on the depressing side, because i don't feel like it should have taken me this long to figure it all out. what makes me laugh. what makes me cry.? addressing the first, everything. everything makes me laugh. people, places, things, awkward situations, jokes, sarcasm... does this make me passionate about any single one of them? i would say no, it just makes me very susceptible to humor. addressing number two, everything. people, places, things, awkward situations, jokes, sarcasm... they all make me cry. i doubt that makes me any more passionate about those things either.

so far the only thing that i can come up with is the collaborative efforts of simple things, turned into more complicated things... symbolism i guess. i feel so weird saying that though. "what are you passionate about?" "oh symbolism"... right. but in a way, i guess it's true. i don't think i have ever done anything at all without having some hidden meaning behind it. not in the dictator style, more subtle. like my pictures. or my awful poems that i sometimes people have the misfortune of reading. or the songs that i chose to sing... (or the notebook that i just made...)which in a way, is why i am so fascinated by jakob daw (a fictional character)... why i love fairy tales so much. or why i hate it when people write poetry and then explain what they're trying to say before i have the chance to even read the poem. but then again, isn't a passion supposed to be something that you share with other people? can i really count this if i have never really told anyone at all about my secret shame? no. i don't think so....

which leaves me back at square one, all over again.
i don't think finding them is so much the problem. sharing them with other people though, might be a little more difficult. if you were to ask me what i loved to do, what made me strong. i could probably tell you... i love to draw pictures, i love singing... there is this incredible emotional high both during and after... i love writing letters... (silly i know, but you should've seen me while i was getting together Andrew Bird's) but how do you label something like any of those.. into a single category?

and give a speech on them?

besides... i don't think i can really count them as passions, like with the symbolism haha... if i am not sharing it with other people.. does it really count?
the things that i enjoy doing, are not necessarily what i am known for. or maybe i have been living in my own head for way too long.

twothirty

this week is looking ... pretty rancid..

i'm trying to get everything ready for my recital, (which i am so close to giving up on, arg) its focus week, and we need to make sure that we test people for the psychology project. everything's just going down

this whole... weekend into week i
i just... don't know how to cope...

i want to sit down and read something

tonight, tonight.....

i messed up... really bad...

i was so upset i started crying,

the dealio here...
im not really sure what happened
i got up for my solo and my voice didn't work
i kept trying to sing, and i panicked, i didn't
know what to do, so i just stopped and looked at mr. flores
with this, "ohmygoodness what do i do" expression
so i spent the rest of the time with my head down mumbling words
and then after we left the santuary, i was bawling...
in the corner of the mothers room

the whole end of the concert, it was the same deal...
i don't even know why i stayed up there...

but i'm at brittani's house,
and even though i'm scared of it, her dog is really cute

games

there is not any reason, why we need to play these mind games. becoming stuck in a situation where i need to call them out, or play along, is very high on the list of things i hope will never happen again.
but then of course i need to realize that just because the phrase is spoken, does not mean that is the answer that they are looking for. i say them too. and nothing irritates me more, than having someone think that i am asking them to play the game with me.
i do not like the idea of being bated. or being manipulated to give people what they need. we could override this whole thing, if we could just be honest with each other...i would love to help, but don't pretend that you are not looking for it.

'tis true

i have been reading Davita's Harp
only part 2, but
i love jakob daw.

i was trying to find one of his stories to post
but i could not.

the world's best medicine

i am tired today. my eyes are burning. i keep seeing everything flashing about inside my head, i have nothing to stress about, so i am now ashamed of all things. at times like these, my greatest desire is to morph into some one else. so that i can laugh at me too. i am scared. ready for my new beginning. and i am annoyed, that i can never stop talking about the same things. over and over. today will not be a bad day, i can feel it. melancholy will strike! and apathy will take over. we are creatures of habit are we not?

story of my life

today, i am feeling rather joyous.
over spring break i found this wonderful material that
was supposed to go towards my tie in textiles
but, i had so much left over, that i decided
to revamp my sketchbook... again

i've been working late into the past two nights
high on enthusiasm sewing the fabric into the cover
future embellishments include a pocket in the back
and some way to tie it closed...

i'm working on it while i'm "working"
mmm i love projects :D

again...

i find myself crying today. which is strange, because i am not very sad. yesterday was interesting.... i spent the morning on sick list, and the afternoon, barely fading through my classes. it seems as if i can't really even trust my self any more. i am unable to sleep well, or for very long. i am constantly in this state of limbo. somehow i keep waiting to become solid, or real... and it is not happening yet...

i just spent the last half hour or so watching some of andrew birds live performances. i can't sleep. so i decided to do something worth while with my time...

also, i have embraced my new hair cut... i still think it looks ugly, but there isn't a single thing that i can do about that, so i've decided to let it go.

my dad gave me a stack of information today about different bike trails in new jersey. i think he might finally be starting to get into the idea. which is good. and i found out that a church member of ours might have a bike that i can borrow. and then i won't have to go and buy one... so i will be contacting them shortly.

there was some light banter tonight regarding visiting the flea market tomorrow. i would really like to go. truthfully.
it has been a really long time since i visited last. i would like to go.

sometime by the end of this year, i would like to be able to say that i am not a pessimist.

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

i know i don't want it, i know i don't want it
i know i don't want it...

i feel baited in a way.
the other night, we talked
because i'm an idiot
and i still want to feel like someone
cares about me
it was both good and bad...
good because i needed to tell him
the truth.
bad, because now i'm not really sure what
to think about it..
about any of it.
i know it's wrong. i know it's wrong!
but he's so convincing when he wants to be..
and i'm not sure if im willing to walk away
but i need to.
and i have.
but it still hurts..
mostly because i DON'T want to
and he's leaving these little messages everywhere
i don't even know if they're for me..
probably not.. but i want them to be.
i want things to be different
i want him to be different.

ugh. i hate this...
i do, i hate all of it
i hate sitting here
crying over something that's never going to get
fixed....
i hate wanting it to be fixed...
i hate hating it...

i just want it all..to go away
to just leave. but then, i don't
because i don't want him to go away.
it's not his fault.

today

i got my hair cut... badly

i should have asked
for a trim.
but not a cut...
so now my hair is horribly mutilated
and there's not a single thing that i can do about it

i just spent 2 hours in the bathroom trying to fix it...
no such luck.

i look, and feel like the swamp monster from the deep....

frustrated

we share because we want to be seen.
so that we can meet and discover one another.
then why are we all
ignoring each other

broken

i am sad today because im tired... and because i just broke my incense burner... (how do you break an incense burner?)

but i'm working on isaac's unicorn
and i'm very antsy... so it is hard to focus

reflections

those who find a dress that they absolutely love
should buy it before too much time elapses
instead of waiting for another dress that will not come

those who do not heed this warning, will find that
the first dress will be on back order until june.
and this shopper, will be screwed.

i did it

today i biked
google maps it haha
i went 5.7 miles
which isn't a big accomplishment

but i think it really was the
bike that screwed me up before.
or maybe i just worked through the kinks

well anyways, im excited because
todays looking like a good day
haha, i vaguely remember talking to peter this morning
(sorry i wasn't more awake)
i made my brother a really good omelet for lunch
except it was more like... scrambled omelet...haah
but, he liked it so that was good
and i just went 5.7 miles
without any fatigue of limbs
or... mind
im rather happy

also

my pillow case smells like cake.
yum

i love

going on deviant art and searching for things in traditional art.
there are so many different styles it fills my heart with happiness

words from the wise? ie my brother haha

"Life sucks carly, you're going to need to do things that you don't want to do. that's what life is. Your life isn't defined by what sucks, your life is defined by what you do to make it NOT suck. And if you don't know how to tell me what you want, then you probably don't know what you want yet."

last one for tonight

so, my brother found this story about how, in mt. holly nj. (a town about 10 minutes away from us) around the 1700's there was this whole witch scandal. the towns people threw this witch into a well because...well, they thought she was a witch. so, they threw her into this well, and it was said that at night they could hear her screaming to get out or something... so in order to get away from this, they built a little four walled ... thing.... to encapsulate her. but young kids would go up to it and knock on the door, and of course they would swear that they could hear her knock back.
apparently there is this table in the middle of the woods close to this little "house" there's this legend that it was a witches alter, and underneath the new jersey devil is chained up, and at night, if you put your ear next to it, you can hear the chains rattle because he wants to escape.
this whole thing by the way is in the middle of a cemetery and it started because there is this tombstone right at the front of the cemetery, and it says something like, this is the fate of those who forsake god. and apparently some guy wrote a story about it, and signed it benjamin franklin.
later though, they decided that the story was false, and it really wasn't ben.

so of course my brother found this little tid bit of information and what do we do?
we go and find it...
or try anyways. my brother, dad, nikki and i all went out to the cemetery where this is all supposed to revolve around. of course it is uber late into the evening. so we turn the car off. very scary... ugh. and we start looking around.
we never found the tombstone, or the little mausoleum type object with the witch in it... but we did find the witches alter...
it was like 4 ft. high and 8 ft. wide
it had holy holy holy carved into it, and two benches on either side.
and of course chad lifted me onto it, and tried to sacrifice me (while i'm freaking out)
haha, good times?
there was also this wooden stump, next to it, that is supposed to be part of the original scaffold? is that the right word? where they hung the witches...

so, all in all, tonight was pretty weird...

andrew bird update

i did it
i sent him his letter today.
and i'm so undeniably freaked out it's not even funny
all of these worst case scenarios keep popping through my head
like,
what happens if the address i sent it to, since it most obviously
is not his personal address...
decides to be angry because i sent it there, instead of the
obviously unattainable actual address.
so they throw it away or something.
(in order to at least cushion their anger a bit, i wrote a little note on the back that said something like, im sorry if this isn't the right address, can you pass it to him please? i hope you have a good day...)

i think maybe i would rather give it to him in person
than send it to some unknown address
and hope that fate decides to shine for once...

actually scratch that... i probably wouldn't give it to him at
all if i saw him in person, maybe this is the best way

or maybe it isn't, seeing as how right after i dropped it into the mail
box, i wanted to yank it out and rip the whole think into a bunch of little pieces

i felt like a thirteen year old drooling after the backstreet boys..
except that's not really how i feel about him at all
somehow, sending "fan-mail" puts me into that category though

sigh... haha :)

doesn't make any sense... sorry

we lock them away
and tell them not to scream
or he'll come to find them
by all means.
"he'll hunt you down
to make you pay
bite off your feet if you
try to stray."
sooner than later they start
to wonder if there's anything more
than these nights of hunger
they reach through the bars with
their tears full of wonder
while the restless vagabonds
tread through the gardens
ignoring the warnings of the
earlier wanderer.
they're flying the kite of
their muffled excuses
stomped by their shoes
with their thick-souled abuses
is this how it feels when we abandon our hope
when we trample through the ground
of the cemetery beds
the soft ground that we tread
confusing our senses
when we can no longer tell
between body and ground
we dread, their red
the sound the sound
of bones crunching beneath
the piles of shame
under our feet
while the long matted hair gets
stuck in our feet.
now we're running in circles
tripping through elbows
soon we fall and can see their eyes
the lies that we tell them
to keep them at bay
soon swallow us and make us
display.
time after time we remember the thoughts
he's captured us now
and tells us not to scream
while their souls trample ours
just below the seams.

its coming

i've been thinking a lot about what happens after graduation. ha, although, i've been doing my best to avoid it. this past school year, as been one of the worst... there's always been someone to go to... and now there isn't. and if there was, i wouldn't. ugh. senior year has effectively turned me into an unresponsive heap of i can't think or create anymore. and im tired of asking other people to fill in the blanks for me. it is not their responsibility to make me happy, or to help me feel important. and it's unfair of me to ask them to.
i feel awful about this whole summer plan... like i've inserted myself into a simon and garfunkel show. haha, except without the simon or garfunkel part. but you know? like, i've somehow been able to insert myself into other people's lives, with nothing to offer or contribute.
my perfect parallel animal, is a leech.
after summer... i need to go and find something to do..
i don't really want to go to college...
at all right now.
ugh... maybe i should just forget about everything.
i'm just stressing out way too much to be of any use to anything.. :(

personal favorites.....

finished

im sending it to him tomorrow if all goes well

favorites

im really excited right now, because
this weekend, i figured out some of my
favorites... and they've been bugging me
for a long time... haha... so

color: yellow
animal: elephant
flower: calla lily

i know i know, big deal
but i'm happy

this morning

it took forever to get out of bed
this morning.
and i grumbled down to the bathroom
to take a shower, and i hadn't washed my hair yet,
when i heard this "aaaoooo" noise...
at first i wasn't sure that i heard it correctly, so
i kept listening, and
it happened again, and again
i started freaking out because it sounded like a goose
not even a normal goose, a troubled goose.
it sounded like it was in pain, like it was dying
and i was trying to get hurry up and get out
so that i could find it, and so that i could help it.
i was thinking about all of these different scenarios
these crazy scenarios involving mountain precipices..
and how this goose was calling out to me to come
find and rescue it.
but then i was thinking... i'm in the shower
i can never hear anything in the shower?
i should not be able to hear this animal right now.
DIVINE INTERVENTION! i need to SAVE THE GOOSE.

and right then, someone turned their shower off, and i could
hear more distinctively, that the janitor was playing
beyonce, while she was cleaning...

up?

stupid-face decided to send me something.
ugh. you know, every single time, that i finally
feel like i am waaaay over this bridge, he does something
and i'm right back where i started from.
it's as if i don't have control of myself
anymore, he does.
i wish, there was someone who could tell me
what i'm supposed to do. i want to heal
but, in this situation, i'm not really sure
how... and i'm not sure that anyone else can
tell me how. of the one's that i would ask for
advice, most would not sympathetically... there are
a few who would rather not talk about it at all (that's
a little ironic, dont you think?) and the others
don't have a clue as to what they're doing.
it's not a simple situation.
and it's not his fault.
i think that's the one thing that
is really getting to me at this point...
i want to blame him for everything. so i can feel
vindicated. but i can't,
the whole thing was this huge complicated mass
of mind games, and manipulation.
we both played...
i'm at the point of shame.

when i was younger, i used to carve out
little spaces in various rooms... little empty
places, like a closet, or behind a dresser...
and if i put a blanket, or a chair or something in front
of the hole. no one could find me. and i felt so
relieved

but now i'm scared

starting

landscapes...
i walked over from the dorm this morning
and was immediately attacked by
millions of tiny snowflakes...

im pretty sure there are still a few hanging
on for dear life to my hair...

and even though i am frozen solid...
i can't find anything wrong with today
march 2, 2009
my little sister's ninth birthday

starting

landscapes...
i walked over from the dorm this morning
and was immediately attacked by
millions of tiny snowflakes...

im pretty sure there are still a few hanging
on for dear life to my hair...

and even though i am frozen solid...
i can't find anything wrong with today
march 2, 2009
my little sister's ninth birthday

looking

for things to draw...


i found a caterpillar...
(a picture, i took)

and i want another one,
so that i won't absolutely die of
boredom today in class....


how bout an elephant :)

fake out

well, assuming we are following the number of posts on the blog
and not the number of posts that blogger tells me.
this is post, 182.
not 200

i was excited.

in other news, i have found a new project to be utterly absorbed in... :)

papa, nous ne faisons pas

i wish we did, but
we don't.
i miss you
and what's awful

is, i don't want to talk to you
because i know we'll end up
arguing, or you'll misunderstand me
you've forgotten how i am
and apparently i've forgotten you
with this you,
i have to tread softly,
and i'm so tired
i don't think i can

we've retreated into this
"don't call me when you're upset"
routine, and it's turned into
don't call me at all.

i'm sick of trying.
i feel like a piece of me was
stolen...
you're not who you used to be
maybe i shouldn't expect if from you
but i need you
now
and you're someone else...

carnation day

i saw you.
outside of my window.
you were standing so sad
your head bent down,
wilting.
i wanted to tell you that,
i know.
you never turned around,
just stood there.
you were in front of a green door.
no one came,
no one passed by.
i wanted to tell you
that even i wouldn't pass by,
if i could,
i would stand with you.
you didn't move.
not even to shift from one foot to the other.
i wanted to ask you
why you were wearing all black,
if someone had left you.
if your heart was as heavy as mine.
you never turned around
so that i could see you.
i wanted to.
i wanted to tell you that you're important.
and still you stand,
waiting.
what are you waiting for?
but then, the green door opened,
and she came out.
she smiled,
she knew.
she knew you.
you were different then.
and even if i couldn't see it,
i knew.
i knew that you were smiling at her too.
and then you lifted
your bright pink shoe,
and walked through the door.

per se

you do not have the right, to blame me


if i'm making your life so
fucking miserable,
go find someone else to
be around
i can't handle it

today

is perhaps one of the most pointless days in the history
of my life
and i am enjoying it... surprise... :D
today, i found out, that i really did get a higher score on the sat, than the first time around... and yes, it's only 50 points higher, and yes, my score really isn't very good at all, and yes, i could have done better... but i am content

this morning i tried to mask the embarrassment of my face with this wonderful hair of mine... meaning, i actually tried to fix my hair this morning. not only did i wish to hide the mountain on my forehead, but i really wanted to look nice today. i tried. and, i look the exact same as i do every other day... :)
haha, ironic no?

and i am headed off to a voice lesson in which i am not prepared for

but that doesn't really matter
because i'm happy today
for once in my life, fate has allowed things
not to affect me
and i can breathe again
and just bask in the glory of a day
all is well!

it's not so bad

this choir fest thing...
i'm kind of enjoying myself...
right now :)
i wish there were more people here

perfect

i was about to give up in my
little escapade with a certain mr.
but then the perfect one
sprang up on me
and i am now able to
continue with my intended plans
as long as i don't get incredibly
discouraged or anything..
which is likely. but for now...

these are the little things, that make me smile... :)
so, nothing really new or exciting is happening
i'm trying to stay hydrated, (i hate bad breath)
yuck...
and i feel kind of like a pregnant woman...

cuc choir fest is this weekend.
we leave tomorrow
and i don't want to go
BUT, we shall see if i am able to
truly find joy in
roach infested dormitories... :D

time to crack down....

this doesn't come easily to me
and i'm tired of masking this
i need help with it
and i hate going in
and pretending like i am
capable of greatness

in other news

i just listened
to river flows in you
and it made me want to cry
i'm going to miss everyone
so much

i can't believe i'm actually doing this

someone asked me what i wanted in a guy
(it's close to valentines day, and so all of the sudden
all the questions come out)
honestly, i don't like making lists because
there's always the chance that i'll end up
disappointed. but i figured i would at least try it
and knowing my luck, if i find this person
he'll be with someone else...
fate thinks i don't deserve relationships...
and oh perfect man... i am unworthy of your charm.

so if any of you are interested, these are some things
that i would really appreciate in a guy

please, be honest with me
and faithful... it would suck if you were
the perfect guy, and you cheated on me... :P
hopefully, he'll at least believe in a higher being
i don't care about religion, i'm not going to ask him to
i want a guy who loves music as much
as i do...
i want someone who likes surprises
giving and getting.
who will appreciate the little messages
and notes that i will most likely leave
on every surface for him.
or who will at least appreciate the
gestures by me for him.
who doesn't think getting flowers is girly
so if i got him roses for v-day
he'd be excited. instead of freaked out
i want someone who will tell me that
i look fat, if i look fat.
who won't tell me what he thinks i want to hear
but instead, what he thinks!
i want someone who will think through
what he's going to do before he does it
but is still capable of being spontaneous
i want someone who is funny, but not ridiculous
someone, who can figure me out
but still leave room for the unexpected.
i want someone who will cuddle with me unashamedly
i want someone who will sing to me or with me whenever
and wherever we are. who doesn't give off
the vibe that he's embarrassed to be with me.
who isn't weirded out by my family
who actually thinks that what i have to say is important
and who will be able to be patient when i can't figure out
what i want to say, who will be willing to work through
problems with me.
i want someone, who i will feel secure with. so i can say stupid
things, and not have them hate me forever. someone who will joke around
and even make fun of me sometimes.
i'm tired of tip-toeing around in relationships.
eventually there is hurt.
and i really don't care what you look like
hygiene is important, but other than that. you can be tall, short
fat, skinny, distorted, perfect, i don't care....
everyone is beautiful...
hmm, okay well mostly everyone :)

and i wouldn't ask anything of you, that i don't feel like i could give you
if the occasion presented itself...


ugh, okay, i'm tired of thinking about this.....

there are times

when i feel as if i can do anything. meet anyone. be anyone. like the world is just waiting for me to start my journey, and really that's all i have to do. just go out, and the doors will open, and i'll magically be able to find my way. like i can actually go wherever i want, and not be scared of my shadow. and then there are times when i feel like, i'm absolutely insane to even contemplate the idea. because honestly, i'm nothing. nothing at all, and the only thing waiting for me is opposition and heartache. but then there are moments where i feel as if i'm invincible and it doesn't matter if i face the untimely death of my heart, because it's already broken. what are a few scratches as compared to the dislocated vapid entity it is now? and then there are times that long for the other half of me to come and journey with me. but then those other moments remind me that i'm just a silly little girl in her living room with a huge desire to be something great, and no passion for living at all. and all of these moments seem to fight each other to the death with their huge raptor claws screaming at one another, making bounds for the others throats.

just some pics

i decided to put these up here...
dunno why... haha
uhm... this is what i have been doing with my time

so while i was wallowing

it wouldn't be creepy
if i drew andrew bird
and then sent it to him...
right?

that wouldn't be awkward?

right?


that'd be okay?

stress

i don't get it
maybe i just don't remember
but it should be working right now
stop asking me questions about it
ugh. that's all you ever do
and since when have i had any answers?
no,
i don't know what i'm doing
stop sneaking up on me and
expecting things to magically be different
i'm nervous
and freaked out
i'm not even sure this is the plan yet
or if this is where i'm supposed to be
i'm scared out of my mind
you're freaking me out

i told my friend

that john smith was my boyfriend...
the cartoon character from pocahontas.
and... apparently, she didn't connect the
two thoughts very well
because then she started asking me a whole bunch of questions like
oh my goodness really?
when did you meet?
is he cute?
you have to send me pictures
is he getting you anything for v-day?
he better
you're so lucky
tell me everything...


and i am laughing right now..
because i'm pretty sure that she was serious.. :)

late drive conversations

it's a process
it's a three step process
just do it
okay it's not hard
just do the three steps
and you'll be fine...

okay well i told you that doesn't work for me
so, can we not talk about this anymore?

see...i don't understand
why we keep
running to this spot
if you want to end the conversation
just say
you want to end the conversation
what you're doing right now
is called confrontation...

i am midas

i can't keep up with this facade anymore
the idea that i've led people to
believe...
its not true
and i've been lying to you so long
i'm an imposter
i can't do it
and i hate
coming in, all of the time
to show off the brilliant me
i'm a clock with no gears.
and i can't pretend anymore
that i'm good at it
that i enjoy it
because i don't
i hate it
and, the only thing gained
by this, is
that your opinion
descends each time we meet.

im scared

my life is a cupboard full of board games...
ages 1-4 ... that was SORRY
age 5 that was monopoly...
ages 6-8
rummikube
and 9-14... that was cranium
14-17...
life...

:(

i never thought

...that beautiful things
could come from such an ugly day
...i would actually get to drink coffee
with my bma coffee cake
...they would make coffee cake twice in a row
...my feet would actually be warm
while trekking through the snow
...i would ever get to go home
inbetween homeleave

the best way to describe how i'm feeling right now
would be to belt out a few lines of one of the
songs that makes me feel impossibly radiant.
"now, waking up is hard to do, and sleep is impossible to"
"Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway"

dual meanings?

i ripped my favorite shirt the other day
not an embarrassing rip
or one of those obnoxious kinds.
but now, there's a little hole next to my elbow
worn away from most favorite use...
and i am very sad...
i will still wear it
because, it is my favorite
but i can't stop feeling like
my enjoyment is causing agony...

it's not a curse..

a few days ago, i was practicing for my recital
and there is this song that mr. flores showed me...
there is this line...
it's my favorite line in the whole song.
"there lies a tempest in hiding"
i was thinking about it,
i can't stop thinking about it
and with the situations that have come up as of late...
i can't help but see it everywhere.

i haven't really told anyone yet
but, i died
not physically...
mentally.
first semester, my head was arrested by my cardiac...
i don't remember who told me, but
someone proposed the idea, that
we can alter the way other people perceive us...
simple idea right?
well what about the way that we see ourselves...
can we blind that as well...?
my whole life
i have felt microscopic.
there are a lot of things that i don't understand about myself.
in order to cope with that... i
drowned myself in the idea that no one else
can understand me either...

i remember
i was 8, and my mom was pregnant
i had grown up for 8 years without my
sister...
my mom was in the living room.
and i was as well, doing homework.
and i saw a spider on the ceiling..
i told my mom...
she looked at me... and was like..
go get a broom and kill it...
i hated spiders...
i had sort of an unnatural phobia
that my dad and brother found absolutely hilarious...
and so i told her i couldn't
she looked at me... like i was
the most horrible child
like she hated me...
like she hoped the baby she was about to have
would be a better child that i was.
she yelled... "SHIT"
and she stomped over to the broom.
and killed the spider...

are you serious?

i am laughing at your face right now...
well, i would be if you were here
honestly, it's a good poem
but it's lacking in experience
with all of the
word placements...
and strategic grammar
and flow
it's a good poem.
but at the same time
it's one of the most horrible things
i've ever read in my entire life.
you've never done any of that.
why don't you try writing something real?
something believable.
i can understand that we're different people
but i'd rather write a shitty poem that came from my heart
but maybe that's the huge barrier between
you and i.

ode to some pretty people

and their notes
that make me not
do stupid things
thanks,
i love you too :)

waiting waiting waiting waiting...

church... is sort of like
a pot full of fortune cookies...
hmmm, okay maybe like a room full of people
that have pots full of fortune cookies
and the cookies are like... special tonics
they're all guaranteed to cure at least one ailment. very specific
and so, if you get a chance to talk to the people
with the cookies.
it is safe to assume that they will try to read you
the fortune that will apply to your life the most.
or the problem.
the sickness....
the feeling.
wellllll that was my thought of the day.

at a loss

i just got this huge feeling of alone-ness
and im not really sure that it can be fixed.
and i was so happy
because the funk of first semester had finally worn off
i swear im cursed
once i start talking about how i conquered something,
it comes back to bite me in the butt
maybe it really isn't gone
and once i get back to school
it'll be all over the place
and
ugh, im just freaking out right now
and i keep forgetting
that my friends have lives of their own
and i should stop asking them to visit mine
because that's selfish
and i should be a good person.

well im not.