we're not

i just got off of the phone with pooper. he called to talk about the note that i wrote him for graduation... (just goes to show you that you shouldn't write letters to people while you're incredibly depressed and bawling your eyes out...) (i didn't tell him that part) i get frustrated with pooper a lot because i don't feel like he cares about me... at all. and we've had this conversation before, i know... but then after, nothing really changes. i just get so angry, because i don't think he understands how important it is to me. we just had this drawn out conversation about how i feel like when people don't spend time with me, it means they don't love me.. (in his words)and of course it doesn't work like that for him, but that doesn't mean it isn't for me... i have an i-need-to-stay-in-contact-with-you sort of mentality. i need to leave people notes, or send ridiculous emails, or say hello when i'm walking by, or call at a random hour, send text messages... i need to. it's how i function. and maybe i should just shove the idea into my head, that not everyone is like me... but i'm like me... i need to feel like i've told you that i love you. so i write notes, and plan surprises, and all of that, because i have to say it. i need to tell you. and for some reason, i only get mad at pooper. but i actually feel like i'm friends with everyone else, but with pooper, it's different. i don't feel like i'm worthy of being his friend, i feel like i just bother him, and interrupt his life, and it's just horrible. i feel like he's saying, "you're not worthy of my time"
maybe i'm not...
arg! i shouldn't be allowed to feel! it just complicates things. i hate being misunderstood when i'm trying to talk... my dad was yelling at me this morning because i was trying to explain how he was making me feel. i just can't win... i don't even want to play the game anymore...
i hate this so much...
i wish someone would just be here...
.. with my luck they'd probably just run away screaming...