doom and gloom

i went to practice with pooper this morning. which was good, because i needed to actually feel like, i am somewhat preparing for this gelatinous recital of mine. the one song that i really wanted to work on, Il Mio Bel Foco. (pooper made me dance around and sing enthusiastically) and i am glad, if only because i finally was able to finish something. and i am comfortable with 3 out of 4 italian songs. but then, after we finished that, we moved on to only hope... and it was awful. and really, right now, all i want to do is cry... i used to sing it all the time, everywhere... but i haven't sung it in 3 years... so i tried it this morning, and it was awful. not only was i off on most of it, but there wasn't any emotion in it at all, and i'm so incredibly
upset. this was supposed to be a surprise. something nice, and right now, it's only awful. i kind of want to just throw it out... there is no higher form of redundancy. my last song, super epic! i just wanted it to be something, special. like an apology for not talking to him this year. maybe he'll snap back into reality. you know? but maybe it's not working because we don't work. how am i supposed to sing this song for him, when we don't make sense any more... perhaps i should just save it for a time when we are no longer at odds. but what if that never happens. is it enough to perform songs that have no meaning to him? but they have meaning to me!
i'm tired of stressing about this... i'm tired of thinking about it all the time. this morning i woke up every 5-10 minutes from 4 until 6:20. i'm tired of not enjoying myself. yesterday my mind shut down. i didn't think about anything at all, i just went through my classes in this awful kaleidoscopic misery. i keep freaking out whenever i wash my hair, i don't want it to fall out again...

i tried to explain to my mom this past homeleave, why i hated my dad when i was younger. she stared at me like i was ridiculous. i can't remember ever having fun with my dad back in the day. i'm sure that i did. but the only things that i DO remember are getting in trouble. i'm not even sure what i would do, apparently i was quite rebellious. but i don't remember that part. i remember that he was the one that would spank me, and then after i was completely bawling, he would give me a hug and tell me he loved me. i'm quite sure that i really did deserve the punishment. but i didn't feel like i deserved it. and i remember not understanding what had happened. it was hard for me to talk, it sill is hard for me to talk... i can't. it would be so much easier if people could just see into my head. maybe they would get it. but then when i grew up, our relationship was finally okay. everything was good, and then it just wasn't anymore. maybe i did something wrong, i don't know. maybe it's unfair of me to expect that singing this stupid song is going to change anything. i just want to blame him for everything wrong in my life. but at the same time, i know that i should really just be blaming myself. he's not responsible for what i do...
i'm not even sure that i want them to come...

the well rounded advice of the day is to suck it up and get over it. time to put on a happy face and get through the day...