reality check

yesterday, was a really good day... i had my interview (it went really well) i got out of class early, chrystal called me... i haven't talked with her in a few months, it was really good to catch up. and i started reading EAST again last night. (just one of those things i guess...) there were some bad parts.i missed ryans call, and i argued with my dad. chad wasn't here, he went to steevo's... so at the occasional friday night dinner last night, my dad started talking with me about my plans. my goals. where i saw myself in three years... i'm so tired of this... i realized yesterday, that i'm finally breaking through, i'm finally going through my metamorphasis, and i'm not sure if i want to meet him on the otherside... he kept pushing the argument at me... it didn't end badly, but it didn't end well. he laughed at me. again... he laughs at me... we're both stubborn people. VERY stubborn people. he's abrasive, and i'm sensitive... so it clashes both ways. even if he's right, i don't want to say he's right. ugh... i also talked with my mom last night... it was very enlightning. she was there for the conv. with my dad, and she says she can see where i'm coming from because the same thing used to happen to her. i was surprised... i think i have this perception of my mom which isn't necessarily true. i've been wondering where i stand with her. chad's the golden boy, and caleigh's like her second chance you know? but i realized last night, that she really is a remarkable person. she's dealt with a lot throughout her life... and maybe i should give her more credit.... i guess it just doesn't occur to me. and i feel awful about it.. i mentioned to her that i was excited because the renaissance fair is the same day as my andrew bird concert, and that maybe that way, i would have a way to coerce someone into going with me if we could go to the fair beforehand... and she was like... you know i've always wanted to go to the renaissance fair... (my mom's one of those history junkies... if there's something old, she needs to go... i can't even tell you how many houses i've walked through in my time :) and so, just like that, my problem is solved. we decided.. or i decided haha that oct. 25 is going to be mom and daughter day. she said she would go to the concert with me... i hope she likes it. i make her listen to him all the time haha. she was the one who picked me up from bma, and when limbaugh was done, i got control of the music. :) the more i think about this, the more i like it... i really think it's going to be a great day for the both of us. definitely long... but i think it'll be worth it....

etc.

trees.
elephants.
white.
water.
smoke.

the freshman 15

everyone says that how much you weigh doesn't matter. the pounds are relative to your height, and your bone structure. and all of that good stuff. and even though they say that.... it's still one of those "problem" area's for me. i remember when i was in 6th grade, i was heavier than all of the 8th grade girls, (even though there were only like 5 of them) i was so ashamed. and so embarrassed... and of course, when i went to bma, all of my friends were smaller, shorter, cuter, funner than me. it's so strange to sit there, and watch people complain about how they're 110 lbs. how they would die if they ever gained weight. my feshman year, i was 182. girls are supposed to be small, and cute. they are not supposed to weigh more than their boyfriend. but then i lost weight. and i was normal. but still not small... part of the dorming experience is getting to borrow clothes from other people. getting to share. getting to switch it up every once in a while. it stinks when all of your friends can do it. but you can't. and if you tried you'd look like a whale. there's this little corner in the back of my mind that says, anything over 120 is fat. is disgusting. is painful to look at. and i know. that no one will care about what you look like as long as you are comfortable with yourself. as long as you love yourself. everyone will see your natural beauty. blah blah blah. no. i feel like thumbalina trapped in an ogre. (om nom nom)
i keep losing weight. i've lost 3 more pounds... and i know it's not healthy. and i know that i should focus on maintaining. and i should try to eat three meals a day instead of 1 1/2... and i know, that i should just be happy with myself. but every time i step on the scale, and see that i've lost another pound i can't help but think, yes. and i can't help but be happy.
i've tried to be objective. but every time i look in the mirror, all i see is fat fat fat. (but carly, maybe you should stay away from mirrors then) MY WHOLE HOUSE IS A MIRROR. but it's not just the mirrors... i feel fat. i feel bloated and gross.
there are times when i wake up, and glance at myself, and i feel so disgusted... so upset...

i.want.to.be.a.waitress.

plain and simple. just like that. last night, i applied (sort of) to a restaurant in mnt. laurel. why? because i needed to. this weekend at steevo's, i realized. i like people. silly no? we took a walk (that was supposed to end up at this very amazing broken down house, but ended up only going to an empty PJ's house) on the way, there was this house that had all of these metal works in the lawn. i asked the lady inside if we could take pictures with them. this is the second time now that i have gone with a friend to knock on a strangers door. and i loved it. i didn't have a problem at all... i want that. i want to connect with people. i want to help them have a good time. i want to smile, and bring them cheer. (and take pictures with their lawn art). i've been looking for a job for a while now... as you probably have already found out. i haven't been looking at restaurants because... this is going to sound stupid.... i'm not happy here. i'm not a happy person right now. i'm losing myself, and i didn't want to have my experience as a waitress be affected so strongly by my unwillingness to wake up in the morning. i know myself well enough to realize, that if i went into it like that, if i went into it expecting it to make me happy, it would disappoint me and i wouldn't enjoy it... and even more, it would make me more depressed... so i've been staying away from it. so what's changed? me. i'm so tired of this, i'm so tired of just waiting for my life to get better. waiting for the chance to sneak out. i've been feeling guilty for so long, that great people are dying, and i'm sitting here, wasting space, wasting air for nothing. i've been thinking about what i want to do. where i want to be. how i want to live. so far? i need a schedule. i am going to be a waitress. i am no longer going to major in art. i will not take generals next semester. i will apply for the study abroad program at bcc. i will take a pottery class. i will read more books. i will smile.

excursion

mmm hello dearies.
today, in a few minutes, i'm headed towards danielle's house.
this is my first major trip. EVER.
since my license. and EVER.
i'm pretty excited.
wish me luck!

oddsfish m'dear.

i keep seeing these flashes. these images. like, i'll look at something, all of the sudden, it'll turn into a line drawing, or blobs of color. or negative space.... what does that mean? i have no idea... sometimes, they'll turn into cartoons, like comic strips. my favorites are the stick figure ones.

it's loaded

i feel like giving up. i really, do not know how else to say it... i feel like... giving up. sunday, was such a good day, until night came around, and screwed everything up. then monday, was so awful... and today. i just can't bear today. i hate this cycle that i'm in. is the happy even worth having, if i know that there is a much larger darker force headed my way? last night i had a dream, one of those stress dreams, that i was trying to get caleigh from school... i worked there, and i had to talk to the principal. i couldn't find my way... what does that mean? is it symbolic of something? all i know is that sometime after 6 AM i kept waking up and going back to sleep waking up and going back to sleep, and i couldn't tell what was real...
i'm not happy. i feel like a burden, like some mistake of nature, i feel purposeless, and wrong... is this how things are supposed to work? is this how everyone feels?

future

this is my future puppy. so far, the only one in my family to disprove of this, is my mom... she is unhappy. but she has always been unhappy. so, i'm not really too worried about it. she just doesn't want to take care of it. which isn't really a problem... so :) if i can get a job.... dun dun dun!
i don't want to take this too lightly. this is another life. another soul. a companion... i don't want to undervalue it with my selfishness. so even though i would like this, i think i'm going to have a lot of soul searching and pondering to do first, before i make any rash decisions.

crying

lately, everything's been making me tear up. like, homework... or waking up. that stupid at&t commercial with the lost dog. everything...

sleeping

i should've gone to bed such a long time ago... i keep finding things to keep me busy. i need to make an envelope for this person, i need to put my flipflops away, i need to, i need to, i need to. ugh. today has been very very full... and i'm so exhausted. but i can't wind down yet. even though i want to.


on the bright side, i think i want a teacup yorkie puppy. since i've been dealing with my fear of dogs, i've actually come to like them, and this puppy, would be the perfect one for me. if i get a job, i think i'm going to see if the rents will let me get one. what would i name it? puppy. duh. :)
the more i think of about it, the more i like it.... :)

forsooth

i feel really unstable right now. like i'm suspended in slow motion... like nothing fits quite right. there are all of these things whirring around my head, and the colors are so bright... but there's no one to help me. there's no one to tell me where i should be. the ground keeps moving. and every step takes so much effort, as if every time i lift up my foot, a piece of my soul breaks. and i'm empty. i get that catch in my throat like i'm falling, i keep waiting to hit the ground, for things to get clear. for my eyes to stop burning. but things just keep getting worse and worse. i feel abandoned. i don't want to be alone, i'm so scared that you'll leave me... i need you to catch me. to hold me for a while. there's so much noise, and it's so loud but i can't hear. i feel like i'm doing something wrong. like my whole being isn't really worth anything at all. i keep tossing back and forth hoping that it's just tonight... that it's just this moment, and the next will be better, and i'll be able to breathe. but my mind just doesn't enjoy computing these possibilities. keeps throwing these things down and laughing at me... pointing. putting me on display and mocking my misery. stripping me of everything pure.

green monster

is it terrible of me to be jealous of my 9 year old sister? i look at her, and she's so gorgeous. even now. and i know, that when she gets older, she's going to be prettier than me. she's had a different life than me. i grew up and ate. i got fat. i got ugly. she grew up stable, she's skinny, and a bombshell.
it always happens... one sibling is always prettier than the other (unless they're twins) most of the time, it's the younger one... and i'm sad inside. when she meets boys and brings them over to the house, are they going to look at me and go "ew, that's your sister?!"
i'm upset. i know that this shouldn't matter to me, but it does. every girl has the desire to be "the pretty one"

"but what i lack in looks, i make up for in personality"
false.
i'm like a block of marble that no one bothered to shape, bold brittle and ugly.

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats

EMAIL!

currently, i'm listening to itunes, on shuffle. yes indeed. i'm procrastinating. tomorrow i need to give a speech on something that's important to me. an object. and it is very difficult. i went looking through my great big red box of memories today to see if i could get any ideas, and i found this note that nasha wrote me jr. year. in leadership bible class on the buliten board, they had this hang-a-line thing, where you could write little notes to people in different classes (or the same class) like a mini-mailbox. it was actually a lot of fun. and i wrote this note to nasha, it was a stickman or something, and she sent me this one back, haha, it is so hilarious. i opened it up and bursted out laughing :)

i know it's a little hard to see, but it's this face with the snot dripping down, and he's sticking his tongue out to lick it... haha, i know it's a bit juvenile, but it's so funny. especially when you're not expecting it :) it really made me miss her...

an eye for an eye

i am filled with a great sadness tonight. someone i love is hurting. and after so much time, i no longer have any answers. i am at a loss. how do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped? when this person has severed all ties with the outside. they have hurt me. they have hurt others. how much longer will i be forced to sit in silence? will it get to the point when i would rather watch them go through this suffering, instead of stepping in, and trying to share the burden. at what point do i become the cause? when i am no longer standing next to them, but instead standing on this bundle that they carry on their shoulders? what of the one who is the cause of their pain? are they not worth helping as well? is it truly natural to slander the one who causes pain? to forget their humanity? is there anyone who isn't worth saving? is it ever okay to say, "you are not worthy"?

birthday blues

today, i finally finished the project for peter's birthday. TADA! it's all wrapped up and ready to go. i think i'm going to send it out on wednesday. (no peeking!)
haha, and you can see my newly dyed hair... i said the last time, i was going to let it grow out. but the color faded, and my roots were showing. so i dyed it again. and the color was supposed to be a dark brown, but it turned into this weird dark purple color. but, you know, it doesn't look too bad. it's about the same shade as my sisters hair. so i figure, if this fades out too, maybe it will look like my hair again. and if not, maybe i should just look into some dye remover... or something of that nature.

this saturday, i went to church. there was this group singing, i don't remember what they're called, but there were 8 members. one of the tenors, his name is mr. voorhees, (i think) he's been trying to get me to sing up front for a while now, and i keep saying no... i'm not ready yet. but he asked me if i wanted to join this group. and maybe it was just the moment. but i had this very strong urge to be a part of something. to join, and sing, and go on tour again with a group. so i said yes. and now, i'm having second thoughts. the group thing, yes, i really would like to be a part of it again, but this message, this style. i don't know if i'm going to like it. but, we'll see. i'm going to try it out, maybe. i guess i'll just have to figure out if it's something that i want to do. if i can learn to enjoy it, or if it's just not for me... i like singing. i really do... i don't want that part of me to disappear. and i'm scared that it might. so what other option do i have really?

who am i

my dad asked me this question once. who are you carly? and i've pretty much been freaking out ever since. it sneaks up on me in the weirdest places. today i was browsing for netbooks. somewhere inside my head, is this idea that i don't like big things. i'm a minimalist. and i thought maybe a netbook would be better for me than this huge laptop. but then the questions came. am i mac or pc? would i be able to live without a disc drive? or would i prefer it? i got frustrated.
i think about this a lot. i feel so stuck at home. i got my license yesterday, and i've been waiting for the big revelation. i remember my brother telling me "after you get your license, you become so empowered. just the knowledge that you can now go wherever you want, whenever you want, is overwhelming. you finally are able to grasp the sense of freedom".
call me crazy, but i didn't know that freedom felt like emptiness.
i've been living with myself for the past 18 years, and if you were to ask me who i am. i wouldn't be able to tell you. am i fun and outgoing like brittani or nikki? or am i extremely musical and good at everything i touch like jeremy and justin? am i a green day loving incense burner like steevo? am i religious? am i cynical and sarcastic like my brother? do i try to find beauty, meaning, and acceptance in everything like peter and dan? am i interested in music and drawing like gabby? am i depressed like jacob? i don't know i don't know! but even if i were any of these things? i couldn't be. i would feel like by adopting any of these things, i would be stealing pieces of their souls.
i've been going to school, because that's what they said would be a good idea. and i hate it. what does that make me? i can't learn this way.
i feel really overwhelmed right now.... today, i stood in the shower, with my face directly under the water. and i was counting. i was counting to see how long i could hold my breath. counting to see how long it would take my face to get numb. how long before i could relax my muscles. how long before i needed to open my eyes. what it would feel like to breathe in. if that would drown me. how long it would be before i would want to step back.

lost

since i've been home, (since like june i guess) i've lost about 12 pounds. which! don't get me wrong, is fantastic.... but it's weird. i'm hungry, but when i try to eat, it's like i'm full, or nauseous or something. i don't know... the last time something like this happened, was my freshman year, and i ended up losing around 35 pounds... i don't know if that's going to happen again, and i kind of hope it doesn't.
i need to dye my hair again. my roots are showing through. :/

love languages.

my cat and i have been spending some quality time with each other lately. today i was sitting at my desk with my feet propped up on the top, and he came and jumped right in my lap. i was weirded out, because i wasn't so sure that he was going to be comfortable... but he camped out, and started purring away. it's a strange feeling knowing that there's another creature that depends on you for love and warmth. and of course the occasional scratch behind the ear. i've been noticing recently that physical touch has become more important to me lately. maybe that's just because i've been so deprived of it... fish isn't right down the hall anymore, we can't have our cryfests. i can't wake up in the morning walk over to gabby's room and just crawl into her bed... it was such a comfort to know that i could go and be near someone, not have to say anything, just bond. but i'm at home. and more or less, i'm alone. well, i was thinking about the love languages today. i remember i took the test once, and it said that my highest two were quality time, and physical touch. i went and looked at the test again today. i was really disappointed. it didn't seem like it would be very accurate. the questions did not disguise themselves very well. you could tell which one was which, and the test didn't cater to the idea that maybe someone was more than one. the test gives you two statements, and you are supposed to pick the one that describes you the best. the one that is true. one of the questions was
-i like it when you give me notes of affirmation
-i like it when you hug me
well, what if it's both? i do enjoy the occasional note. and i very much enjoy being hugged. how hard is it to tell that the first is words of affirmation and the second one is physical touch? but i have to pick just one. why would i be taking this test only to be giving myself the answer? i know what the five love languages are, and if the questions are so obvious, the answer that i pick would be the language that i want for my result. which... doesn't seem to be what a "test" is supposed to do.
i don't know... just silly little things i was thinking about today.
tomorrow is my sister's first day back to school. she's been talking to me more recently. it's strange... she's never done it before, but now she's been actually communicating. today she told me that she was excited to win the raccoon of the month award, but it would be her last time because she's in 4th and that's where the school ends.
i've been working on peter's birthday present today. i'm trying to get it all in the package so i can send it out. my fingers hurt from sewing.

crazy little thing

(image by (*negativefeedback)

plastic surgery

i was hoping, that by today, the worst of this silly little sickness would've been gone. so far, i'm still not feeling too good. you know, usually the sickness has a pre-day, then the worst day, then like one or two days of aftermath. right? that's usually how it works. and i was really hoping for just the one or two days of aftermath. but it's still going. it's just a little frustrating because my family has a very dairy based diet. and i've been stuck eating oatmeal and toast. which, don't get me wrong, is fabulous. but i want a little spice in my life :) that song keeps getting stuck in my head "'cause i'm under the weather, just like the world, so sorry for being so bold..." haha

today, i'm going to get my hair cut. seems odd right, since i'm trying to grow it out... but i want it to be healthy and happy, and fun. so it's just a trim to keep everything from going all crazy. it's weird though. i saw myself the other day, and my hair was behind my ears, and i just felt so weird. like i looked like my freshman and sophomore self. and i didn't like it. i'm sort of thinking maybe i shouldn't grow my hair out too much. i like it right now. and maybe after cutting it i'll think differently. i don't know. we'll see.

wanted

well. class has started. this is what i wanted right? this is how i have set up my life. or... not set up my life. i guess, in a way, i just wait until people make my decisions for me. should i try and correct that? and still. all of this feels so incredibly unreal. like it isn't even happening. this is how i feel most of the time. like i'm stuck in the second dimension. i know that there is a "past" and a "future" but it doesn't really affect me. i can't see it. it's not happening. but i know. it's just not registering. i was hoping that by going to school it would all somehow just snap back into place. and i would be able to find my way back into the third dimension. but so far, i'm just frustrated. and annoyed that i need to be doing homework. and writing papers about the epistemological issues of history. is this really what i need to do? i've been waiting for something to bring me up and out of this whatever it is that i'm in. i thought this was it. but now, it just seems like it's going to freak out on me.



oh. and i think i might need glasses.

sick

ugh... okay guys.
i feel awful. i don't have a significant temp. it's a little under 100. my eyes are burning. i get dizzy when i stand up. and my whole body pretty much aches.
what is that? is there a name for that?
well. whatever it is
i have it.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ouch

back in the day, when i was a youngster, i used to get these leg pains when i went to sleep. my dad attributed them to my growing. you know? the normal growing pains? well. they sucked. and i hated them. it's like this weird achy sort of thing. moving doesn't really make it worse. but it doesn't help. and it keeps me up at night. so at hmm 5 in the morning. guess what's keeping me awake? yep. they still happen every once in a while. so i've been tossing and turning for a while. but i finally gave in and took some med.s and hopefully i'm able to conk out soon. i'm so sleepy.

german chocolate cake

so, tonight i was feeling a little down. i went out to shop rite. bought me some ingredients. and made FROM SCRATCH this three layered german chocolate cake. i started around 11:30, and i am now finally finished dishes and everything at 2:28. i made the cake batter, and the frosting. and how does it look? it looks like i made it at 2 in the morning. ah, but how does it taste? magnificent. i am actually pretty proud of myself. it's not too bad for my first try. it would look better, but the cake stuck to the pan. so i had to do a little bit of fancy work in order to get it to come out. which is why it looks so funny. but i trimmed up the edges. and voila. yummy delicious cake. and now. it's time to sleep :)

grey

today, i saw the new tab title on my firefox browser. it said untitled. i wanted to cry. as silly as it sounds. i just had this overwhelming feeling. this little catch in my throat.

i've been really happy lately. the kind of happy that sneaks up unexpectedly. but now it's the weekend. this time that is sort of predetermined to be sad.

i've been thinking a lot about god lately. i realized that most of the time, when i have been discussing things with religious people, they tend to like the idea of miracles, but despise the idea of fate. i realized a while ago, that i really do like the idea of fate. this principle that some things were just meant to be. (it doesn't make me feel as bad for making mistakes) it comforts me a little to think that there are some things that i just can't control.

i went to bcc today. i went in on tuesday to buy my books for my classes, and to apply for on campus jobs. i found all of the books. and then walked down to the hall towards the career services department. they gave me this pamphlet and a flier that said i needed to fill out my fafsa, sign up on this website, and come back between the hours of 9 and 4 on friday (today) so on wednesday, i signed up for the website (and had to make a resume - very frustrating especially when you've worked with bma and are not exactly quite sure how to describe working any of those jobs i.e. industry) so i've been anticipating today, because i'm not really sure what i am supposed to be expecting from this "meeting" with career services. so today, i went down to the office, and they told me that i needed a form from financial aid. which is upstairs. so i went up there, signed in. and waited. they called my name, and told me that i had signed into the wrong sign in form. and politely pointed me towards the correct form. so i signed in over there, and waited for them to call my name. after around twenty minutes or so, i was called up. and in order to get started, i needed to change my major from "undecided" to whatever, so i had to fill out this form, and get it authorized by this other counter department. so i went over there, talked with the guy, and he said he would take care of it. so i went back, and the woman who was helping me tried to continue with the process, but the guy never put the form into the computer, so it was a little interesting watching everyone interact with each other tyring to figure out what happened. finally, everything worked out, i got my piece of paper, and went back down to career services. i walked in the door and then was told that i needed to wait until i could be helped. so i sat down. and waited some more. until Stuart Keen (the head honcho of career services) called me over to the desk. he was so nice, he asked me about my major, and even found out that there is an opening with the art gallery in mount holly and he told me how to get in contact with them, and two other departments in order to see if i would be able to get a job. and i don't know. by the end of everything. i was really excited. i took my sister to walmart. (she wanted rocks) and then came home, and called two of the three departments in order to see if they would consider me for the position. the gallery, (so awesome) and the library. no one answered though, so i left messages. BUT that's okay. i'm going to send them my unofficial application on that weird website that i had to sign up for. oh joy.

classes start on wednesday. i have ancient medieval foundations, public speaking, and intro to art. turns out, wednesdays are my busiest. mondays and fridays follow wednesdays schedule without the intro to art. and tuesdays and thursdays i have psych. so sometime, i'm going to need to set up a time to take my online anthropology course.
i'm not really all that nervous anymore. i just kind of want to start. and officially end my summer. summers been great don't get me wrong! okay yeah, just kidding... summer's kinda sucked. but there were good things about it. *wink wink*

(i have this little schedule for the classes, they're in different blocks of color. i put ancient medieval foundations in brown. because that's how it makes me feel. clearly, i need some better ways to spend my time)

rainbows and butterflies

today! i feel good.
i am happy.
i think i might have figured out what i want to do. not for the rest of my life silly. but for a good portion of my future. actually not really even that. have any guesses? hmm. i think i'm just going to be severely unclear about everything. i really really really hope that everything works out. andrews is a no-go. i've decided that. i just can't do it. i don't have any money. nor will i have any money by the time that i wish to go and live up these glorious plans of mine. and i am okay with that. it was one of those unatainable goals. i should go for short term instead of long term right. which really doesn't make any sense seeing as how my next plan is not any less grand. ah. but for the day. for this day, i am quite content with how everything is going. i got to talk with peter tonight and share :D i miss him.
tomorrow. i embark to the dentist.
i am scared.
i know, that there is nothing to worry about. except that there could be something horribly wrong with my dental hygiene. i hope not. i do what they tell me, but i guess my teeth are sort of the rebels... they wear all black and spikey chains. and sometimes they even dye their hair... for shame. (that was a joke.) for some reason, there is always something wrong when i go in for these check-ups. so tonight, i hope that i am able to SLEEP. without too much stress.
tomorrow is a big day.

i keep writing, but i don't really have anything to say. except that for the first time in i don't know how long. i am actually happy. and i want to share with you. and maybe i can make you smile too.

tripple coconut cream pie

i was watching the food channel last night. just because. and there was this clip, of this yummy looking tripple coconut cream pie. they put toasted coconut and white chocolate shavings on top of it. AND i would've looked away. to spare myself the torment of not being able to go and try a piece. BUT THEN THEY SAID IT WAS IN NEW JERSEY! so i kept watching. and then i googled it. sigh. it's only 40 minutes away. and i want to go so bad! i went on their website, and there was this happy little "as seen on food network" badge of honor. people. i have an addiction. i would've ordered a whole pie. but they didn't tell me how much it cost. so i opted for waiting until i can drive there and indulge.
the other day, i finally found my coconut m&m's. they are so good. i was telling myself that they weren't going to be that great because i was hoping that they might be able to surprise me. i have a bag waiting for me in my room. for rainy days. (or whenever.)

i painted my toe nails today. why? because i can't let go of this stupid part of my life. and i'm wearing slippers because i don't want to look at them. ridiculous right?

i have the munchies.

letters to the editor.

i hate that sometimes you look at me like i'm the scum of the earth. like it's somehow my fault for being born. like you have some deep seated hatred for me. but you never say anything about it at all. i'm supposed to guess how i'm making you feel. and then there are other times, when you play nice. but only because you want something. i'm sick of these games that we play. i'm tired of feeling like i'm not good enough for you. maybe you should've used a condom.

nightmare

does it count if it's about the dentist?
last night i had a dream that my teeth started to fall out.
is that ridiculous?
i don't know. it really freaked me out.
i hate going to the dentist.

i was with a whole bunch of people that i didn't know. and for
some reason, my hair was long again. (yay)
we were at my house. and my mom was trying to clean.
but we were all there, and trying to find someone.
i don't remember why.
but my mouth started to feel funny.
like back in the day when your tooth was loose. and all you
had to do was wiggle it back and forth and then bam. there it goes.
well, it was like that, except all of my teeth. and none
of them were coming out. they were
all just wiggling around.
and i started freaking out.
i was panicky.
and then, one by one... they just, broke off
but it was way worse than i remember.
(although, my teeth fell out at different
times, not all at once.)
there was blood, and the nerves on the inside of my teeth
were still attached. and they hurt. they hurt so bad. but
i had to rip them out. and i was bleeding, and crying. and
it was just awful.
and then it all stopped.
and i was in the dentist chair
waiting for new teeth.
all of the people who were at my house
decided to donate a tooth for me.
but my dentist was drunk. and
he put the novicane in his arm.
and he started operating on me anyway.


that's when i woke up. haha
i don't know... i hate this dream.
it's not one of those recurring things.
but i have had dreams where my teeth have
fallen out before...
i'm really just weirded out
i'm going to the dentist on tuesday.
my teeth feel like their loose.
i know they're not.
(i tested... haha)
but i still feel like at some point
i'm going to need to tear them out
i hope today gets better :/

damien

"we drive her 'round and she drives us wild."
i'm back here. i'm back to the point where i don't want to wake up. last night i went to bed. and it took me a good 20 minutes. i kept waking up during the night. and now, this morning. i don't know what to do with myself. it's hard to have a purposeless life. i keep reminding myself that everything will get better in september. because then, i'll be going to school. and everything will work out. and all of this ridiculous funk will be gone. right?
i don't know... i just don't know. i feel really helpless.
"and i know i make you cry, i know sometimes you wanna die, but do you really feel alive without me."

beautiful boyz

i know i know. another song? really? yes. this song is so amazing. i couldn't help but listen to it with my eyes closed. i could feel the tears trying to come down. and ever since, it's been stuck in my head. just floating around, latching itself onto me.
beautiful boyz by cocorosie.

STOP

i don't want you to ask me how you can make me a happier person. or how to make me calm down, or how to make me stop freaking out. i don't want you to "make me" do anything... i feel like you're mocking me. like it's just a game. like none of this is a big deal, and i'm an idiot for being upset. i'll be okay if you don't understand. but at least have the gall to say "i don't understand" don't laugh at me.
what i want. is for someone to just come and sit with me. to just come hold me for a while, and tell me it's okay if i want to cry.

i keep thinking about this conversation that i had with pooper a while ago. we were talking about why he doesn't like make up. he says he would enjoy getting to know the "real" person, rather than the fake one.
we all have our different reasons for covering up our "natural beauty" but he said if the reason we're hiding ourselves is because we don't like what's underneath, then there's a problem...
i've been thinking about that a lot.
and maybe the issue isn't whether or not i know myself. but instead, it's if i like myself.
and the only answer i've come up with is
no.
no i don't.

hah.

today has been pretty slow. caleigh got frustrated with me because i wanted her to go outside... and chad left for work... so.
i was getting ready to take caleigh on a bike ride, and this guy "dan" rings the doorbell. so i go outside, (mind you, i'm in a tank top and shorts. i haven't even taken a shower yet, so i'm all grungy looking. the front lawn has dismembered tree in it. pretty much. i'm gross.) and he starts telling me about how the government is going to give me money if i decide to renovate my house.... hmm... he kept trying to tactfully ask me when it would be a good time to set up a meeting with my family... i felt bad. because i think i got him in trouble with his boss. (he put me on the phone with him, to talk about estimates...) i really wasn't interested in what he had to say. and i kept feeling like he was trying to flirt with me. he was all smiley and small talk-y "nice weather we're having huh?" "uhm, yeah i guess, i think it looks like it's going to rain today though" haha.. it was weird.... i didn't like it. but he left. and HEY it's raining...

realization

i'm really glad that today happened. i guess lately, i haven't really been feeling like me. i've been stuck in this land of purposelessness and doubt. and just scary thoughts. and i've been here pretty much since i came back from connecticut. i hate feeling useless... and i'm thinking that maybe i'm finally snapping out of whatever funk i've been in.

maybe i was just depressed. i don't know. i don't like saying that though. because usually people go to extremes. but really, depression is having 4 or more of these symptoms every day for 2 weeks.

* Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (i.e., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite
* Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) nearly every day
* Feeling restless or sluggish to the point that others notice
* Fatigue or loss of energy
* Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
* Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
* Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal thoughts without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
(so says http://www.abilify.com/depression/about/about-living-with-depression.aspx?TC=95995&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=research&utm_term=depression&utm_content=rsymptom_textad_about-living-with-depression_text_tc95995)

but it's only been a week. and now i'm feeling okay. so does it not count? or am i just saying depression, because i don't know what else to call it? but really, this has been off and on pretty much all summer. what the heck is happening?

ugh, well whatever it is. hopefully it's over.

project

i keep getting the feeling that, soon... i won't be able to work on all of the projects that i would really like to complete. all that i have now, are these stupid little gifts, and surprises that i'm trying to organize. and soon, school is going to start. i'm full time. and dad's trying to set me up with a crazy full time job as a file finding interny type deal at a lawyers office. but i get to wear dressy clothes and talk to people who probably won't remember my name the next time they ask me for something. am i getting to cynical? i'm trying to stay positive. i'm trying to enjoy these days. i'm trying. i really am.

honestly. i don't have anything to complain about. nothing at all. i'm just trying to remind myself that whatever is happening in this silly little life of mine, doesn't really matter... there are people who have worse things happening to them. the complaining should be their luxury. i should be listening. trying to help. instead of wallowing in this stupid little depression of mine. i hate feeling like a selfish little pig.

oink oink

they call me tater salad.

i've been feeling rather paralyzed lately. like i can't do anything. or i shouldn't even try to do anything. i was sitting in my room this morning. just sitting. i was in the chair. staring at the wall. just.. there. it took me a minute to snap out of whatever zone i was in. but the thoughts in that zone. were not good. and it's taken me pretty much all day to dwell on other things.
am i just unmotivated? is everything going to get better once school starts? is it just today?
i have no passion for anything right now... all of the things that i enjoy doing. or that i did enjoy doing, i don't anymore. being home, just drains me of everything good and beautiful. i'm getting so frustrated with myself. i don't feel like i know who i am anymore. i feel so empty.

i've been cooking lately. and by lately i mean. today and yesterday. and by cooking i mean, salads. i made a pasta salad last night. and a potato salad today. it's been really calming. for those times. and i figure. there are worse things, i could be spending my time on. and if i'm going to feel fat and ugly. i might as well know what's getting me there.

ten.

this is my list.

1. "i love you, i don't want you to be like me"
2. you care more about imaginary things than you do about your family
3. all of these silly little escapades are hurting the one's you claim to love.
4. i'm sorry
5. you deserve so much more
6. don't you ever touch me again
7. i've always been there for you. and the one time i needed you, you bailed
8. i still haven't forgiven you
9. there is no rock. there is no hard place. everyone has problems. suck it up and deal
10. thank you

grumble grumble

i went out to tell my dad that i wanted to get my ears pierced today. and it turned into this huge argument. i wanted to invite him to share this experience with me. i have been thinking about doing this for a long time. i researched the pro's and con's. and really, i wanted this as my right of passage. i want to commemorate this time period in my life. it's important to me. so i told him. and he was like well you know it's related to idolatry right? and i was like, well, from what i found out, the reasons that people got their ears pierced was to signify their attachment to something. so i guess if you wanted to say that, fine. but that's not the reason why i want to do it. and he just exploded. it turned into this huge thing. at first he said that he didn't have a problem with it. and then he started berating me and comparing me to the people of sodom, because i want to get a hole in my ear? to me, this doesn't seem like it is that big of a deal. i feel like people would probably judge me more for buying cars and boats, and motorcycles more than for wearing some metal in my ear. but it's like it wasn't even a discussion anymore, it was a "i'm going to yell at you because you're too stupid to know any better" when i get into these fights with my dad, he throws out the "you don't understand" card a lot. like i'm undeniably ignorant. and i tried to tell him that he was just making me upset, and i tried to stand my ground. and i tried to bring it back to a conversation. but he wouldn't listen. so i walked away. and he started yelling at me about how walking away from my problems is just going to hurt me for the rest of my life. "is that what you're going to do? just run away?". yes. it is what i'm going to do. i'm running away. not from confrontation. but from you. he stopped me by the door and i wouldn't listen. i had had enough. i tried to tell him that this isn't anything new. that we fight like this all the time. and i always feel like he's not listening. like what i have to say isn't important... he said it was my fault. maybe it is...

hah. so he just came to my room, and tried to have a normal conversation about all of this. and he said he didn't like making me upset. which i appreciated. and we started talking again (stupid stupid) at the end of it. he walked away turning me into a monster.

maybe i am. maybe i should just hide away for the rest of my life. he's always comparing me to my mother. maybe i should just give up.

i was thinking about how they say that god is supposed to be like you're father. maybe that's why i'm angry with him right now. because i'm scared that i'll tell him something. and he'll make me feel stupid and small. i don't want god to be my father. i don't. i want him to be a friend. but right now... i don't know if i even want that. most of my friends are turning out to be something other than what i thought.

i just feel really trapped

best day ever?

after spending like, 5 days camping on the beach, what's the one thing chad wants to do when i come home? build a super-mega-awesome sea turtle, that's what. and actually, even though i'm not extrememly fond of the beach, i was excited about this excursion. we left home at around 4 something, and we spent from 5 until 6:40 working on this thing. it was really cute to see all of the little kids walking by and being all, woah mom! look at that! so... this is the final project. fun right?

pretty much right after we finished the turtle, chad had been in the water. i decided that i would.. not. haha. but we left, i drove. and we got home. caleigh had her friend yanna over, and so dad drove up to trenton to drop her off at home right? well, chad and i decided to go out to Anapays. the creepy diner like 4 miles away from our house. so we took the brown buick, and we went down. this is us right outside of the diner. awe. aren't we siblings...

so, after we finished eating, at like 10. we set out on our way home. we had a little trouble starting it in the parking lot, and when we got about 3 and something miles away from home, it just stopped working. the engine was still on, but chad couldn't get any more power to the engine. so we pulled over, and pushed it off to a location where it wouldn't get hit by unsuspecting travelers. and we had to walk. dad was still in trenton, and mom was at work. so chad and i started our lonely treck down the dark and creepy roads of new jersey. we had been walking for like a minute or two, and this car stopped next to us and the guy inside asked us if we wanted a ride. and of course chad was like, "no thanks, we're okay"... haha. i would've said yes. i trust people. chad does not. but whatever. it was good bonding time. i tell you though, it's creepy walking at night in nj. i kept thinking that maybe someone would jump out with an ax and we'd be done for. but that's just because i've seen way too many scary movies...
and when i got home. i got to talk to peter for a while. :) joy.

hmm... and about the previous week of connecticut. let's just say i don't feel like talking about it. it did not go well. but today did. :D even the walking. and the two blisters on my feet now... haha. life is good.

i'm home

so much has happened.
so so much

i just got home.
it's thursday.

i feel sad, and angry
and

alone.
again.

i'm scared i'm disappearing into my head
and there isn't anyone to come pull me out

i don't want to go to sleep

lately

i've just been feeling really obtuse. and wrong.
like all of the normal girl drama
plus gross.
like i feel fat, and ugly, and like i don't mesh well with my friends anymore.
and like i just am depriving the world
of something that could be good and beautiful.

like my whole "me" is just completely and utterly
disgusting.

i don't know...
but, i won't be here for a week
i'm going camping.
we'll see what happens.
maybe i just need some happy.

weekeeeending

well, today pookie is coming in about a half hour. timmy's coming too
we're going to go out on the river and party
danika's coming tomorrow
we're gonna go to the beach and party
then sunday, danika and i are headed up to MA. to go camping with mike and nathanael
...(and party.)

sooo... i'm pretty much gonna be incognito for a while...

i don't think i'm taking my camera, because i don't have any batteries
and that would just be sad...
yuhp.
pretty much, i'm excited about playing volley ball like NONSTOP!

and someone will have a camera.. guaranteed.
so i'll share some pic-a-tures. with you
because i love you
because you're awesome

withdrawal...

i vowed that i would abstain from listening to andrew bird until i went to the concert. i want all of the music to be fresh. and i want it to completely floor me. i want to be overwhelmed. it seemed like a good way to go about things.
except NOW i'm going through withdrawal. i heard a snippet from one of his songs today. fitz and dizzyspells. and now that one little section is stuck in my head. and when i heard it, my soul felt full. and i loved it. so apparently, this whole my favorite music fast, is working....
i just kind of really want to listen... haha, does that make me pathetic. i vote yes.

as far as self goals go though... i'm pretty proud of myself. i've lost like 5 pounds since i've been home. that's probably just because i've been sleeping through most of my meals, and i've been freaking out over everything. so really, it's not any of my doing... but i'm going to snatch it up! and proclaim it as my handiwork. for a little bit of confidence boosting.

.....hmmmmokay

i've been feeling a lot better recently... i got my stupid college classes taken care of. here's what i'm taking
public speaking, anthropology, art 101 (my "fun" class), intro to psych, and ancient medieval foundations..
sounds like a party right?
i'm kind of excited... i hope i don't get overworked or anything... seeing as how all of those classes will probably be more straining than my entire senior year.. haha. :) but i wanted a challenge right? i wanted to explore things. and so here is my chance. now i just need to talk to the guy with the job thing... so i can work a bit.

sigh...

last night i made spinach phyllo (i cheated on the phyllo part) so technically i just made spinach stuff... and i guess since i technically didn't make the spinach. or the stuff. really i'm just responsible for nothing.... kind of a bummer right?

i made a pair of shorts today. and by made i mean i cut off the pants part. and sewed up the seem... so i guess i really didn't do that either.

this is so awful...

BUT i did find out my plan for peter's birthday (no peeking) AAANNnnnd i had to borrow money from my sister to accomplish it haha. cute right? i just didn't have any cash on me.

i've been spending a lot of time with my cat lately. my fat, unloving feline, who has recently been very affectionate.. maybe it's just because i've been home for a while now, and now he's just used to my presence. but i'll end up sitting somewhere, or trying to sleep, and he'll just come up and cuddle with me. he'd make such a good boyfriend ;)
except for the bad breath and litter box...

wow... this is the first blog in a while that just sort of jumps around..
i'm a little scatter brained right now.
my apologies.

YOU STILL AREN'T LISTENING

how many times have i told you? hmm? how many... oh probably a bazillion...
dad, i don't want to go to college
i don't want to go to trade school
i'm going to bcc for a semester
just a semester
yes. just a semester
my major is art
i'm majoring in art dad
i'm going to bcc for a semester
i don't want to go to trade school
i don't want to go to college
i want to go to michigan in dec.
i want to go to michigan dad
i'm only home for a semester
so i can plan on going to michigan.
i want to go to michigan dad
i don't want to go to trade school

tonight. i registered for my one semester of college
i am now officially a college student
i came home.
mom told dad.

d. "mom told me you registered today"
m. "yup"
d. "how many hrs?"
m. "15"
d. "what about next semester"
m. "i'm trying to go to michigan dad"
d. "oh really?"
m. "yeah... "
- few minutes later-
d. "carly, you should've gone to trade school"
m. "dad, i don't want to go to trade school"
d. "you could've had a cirtificate, now you're only going to have a semester"
m. "dad, i'm trying to go to michigan"
d. "you could've at least gotten more money"
m. "i don't really care about money right now"

and then he laughed at me. he just laughed. and then tried to play it off like it wasn't anything. "well good" he said... no not well good. i've been telling you for the past two months! TWO EFFING MONTHS! dad... and you aren't listening to me. and i tell you what i want to do with my life, and you laugh at me? you laugh at me like i'm some bumbling idiot who doesn't know what the hell she's doing. well you know what? even if i don't. even if i'm making one mistake right after the other. this is MY life. you had your chance. and now you're just screwing us all over with you're fabulous life choices... does that make you happy? is that what you want me to do with my kids? you want me to grow them up ashamed of themselves? NO, i just want to be happy, and you're going to laugh at me?
i don't even know why i do this to myself.

ups and downs

today, i've been going through quite a few mood swings.
this morning i woke up and felt like crap,
then i took a shower, and felt better.
and then later i felt like crap
and then i felt better
and on and on.
i'm getting kind of sick of this

is this how i am all the time?
i know that steevs says i'm moody...
and i guess i really am... but i don't
get to spend time with the me that everyone else
gets to see. so i don't really know.
pff... stupid feelings.
they should all just float away, or... drown
or something that puts them at a large distance from me.

rough

i woke up this morning, and i didn't feel like me.
all last night, i was tossing and turning.
i don't know. i guess right now i feel out of balance.
like nothing is right. and i can't say that i'm enjoying it very much.
i know, that it's probably just because i'm tired,
or yesterday was just awful.
but i would really just like to be myself again
okay? I'M READY!
flip me back okay?
i don't like feeling this way, like my chest is
just ripped open for everyone to see what's going on
i feel embarrassed, and ashamed, and cold.
... and angry. i'm still angry.
but instead of focusing all of that bitterness on the
person who deserves it,
i'm focusing it on things that don't.
i'm frustrated because i'm feeling distrust
towards things and people, that i know i don't
feel that way about.
FLIP ME BACK

late night blues

tomorrow i'm going to bcc to take my placement tests, i was getting everything ready tonight. i have my acceptance letter, and my AP test scores. and i know that this really isn't a very big deal, but i'm still weirding out anyway... i think it's just because i'm going by myself. silly carly

vous êtes difficile

the little "rungs" of the dna ladder, are people... and there's a broken one at the top. i thought it was clever...




this morning, i woke up at around 8:30, and drove with my dad up to THE GROUNDS FOR SCULPTURE, i call it the sculpture garden. i've been wanting to go for a while now, every time we drive past actually... on the road that faces the highway there are these gigantic tree-sized sculptures. there are two faces, one red, and one blue, and i love them.... so i've been bugging my dad for a while to take me... so today we went! it was a lot different than i had expected, still enjoyable, but different... i loved the whole idea, this huge 30-something acre plot of land dedicated to sculptures... i was surprised by a lot of them though. i was kind of disappointed that some of them were just void of all emotions. and i was struggling with the idea that someone could create something that didn't evoke feelings of some kind. you know? most people, when they make something, they're trying to get a point across, or they were angry at the time, or they're trying to express an idea... or maybe they were just really happy. i had a really hard time trying to figure out why someone would create something that didn't mean anything. but then i was thinking that even if i look at it and lack emotion, it's done it's job. i was thinking as i was walking through that it would be nice to have the artists there to explain what they were thinking and all of that, but i had to stop myself. because, art is interpretation more or less, and the reasons they created it are important yes, but if i look at something, and it makes me feel, that is what it is supposed to do. it is supposed to make me feel THAT feeling. if i see a sculpture of an armless pregnant woman, and all i can think about is romaninan history or something THAT is the feeling that i am supposed to have. and maybe if i come look at it a different day, a different time, i will be thinking about something else, like the prime minister of malaysia... then i can't really ask for anything else. and you know, that's one of the things that i really like about art, it changes... i don't have to feel one way just because someone else does, and even if the person who created it meant it to have a certain message, i get to internalize it...
that's one of the things that i used to love about literature, but then i learned that it's not quite as flexible... (i also learned that if i love a book, i shouldn't take a class that makes me read it, because then i'll hate it) there are stipulations in literature, that aren't always prevalent in art... but then there are those that would argue, but carly, of course there the same, they even combined the title -literary arts- hmm, well i guess you're right. my bad.
my favorite part of the garden, was this (there is a picture of it up there) little enclosed section, it had a plaque out front that said, forest of the subconscious. there was a path that twisted and turned all around and behind and across this garden. there were trees so you couldn't see over the top, but eventually you came to this box. it was about 6x6ft. the two walls facing towards you were made of plastic so you could see inside, and the opposing walls were mirrors, and inside there were these giant naked baby dolls, and most of everything else was made out of a clear plastic, so these dolls were posed in different ways, one was dancing, one sitting at a table, and there were random clear objects, at the bottom there was this huge skull... i loved it, because no matter which way you looked at it, you were staring back at yourself through all of the props inside the box.... my second favorite part: there was a series of sculptures, this guy made life size people dressed from the victorian era, and they were everywhere, you would walk by and think that someone was there, and then realize that they were dressed odd, and oh! turns out they're fake. so i got my picture with a few of them. there was a mini-exhibit where there was a few just sitting in random places, but if you go to the top of the hill, there was a painter, and he was looking down at all of these statues and painting them (there was an actual painting...) i thought it was adorable....
after the garden, my dad and i went to this diner, to get a bite to eat. it was called the liberty II... and we came just after lunch, so there were all of these older people getting their after church meal, and talking about what the doctor said, and how the woman down the hall had a crush on everyone.. it was cute.

what is the next place to go? dad said that the art museum in NY is only about an hour away, so i'm going to bug him about that for a while, until he takes me... :)

TICKETS!

today, my andrew bird tickets came!
i'm so excited :)

this is me

beaming with JOY!

:(

i find that it is in the moments closest to sleep that tend to haunt me the most. my soul is yearning for inspiration, to connect with others. to know that there is peace. but there is rarely ever anyone awake to reconnect with, or to share in my fears. instead my mind wanders, and i return to find myself again and again quite... alone. maybe that's what it is. i'm lonely.

ahh... and there is revelation.
i'm not made to be alone. maybe that's why it bothers me so much.

there is goodness left in the world

today, i am going to cook.
i found this recipe that is pretty similar to the stuff that danika used to make at her house. and it was really really good. :) so i'm going to try it out. and see if it works. and i'm really quite content at the moment. i'm going to clean and reorganize the kitchen before i start... :) life is good life is good life is GOOD

and steevo, i love you to pieces.

you are beautiful. and i love you

Happy Birthday JACOB! :)

today is jacobs 19th birthday! so to all who know and love him, let us celebrate in this milestone :)

pigg

this song, fills my heart with joy, it's one of those songs that you wish some wondeful boy would come stand under your window and sing to you... are you prepared?

falling in love in a coffee shop- landon pigg

i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you
yes theres a chance that ive fallen quite hard over you.
ive seen the paths that your eyes wander down
i want to come to
i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you
no one understands me quite like you do
through all of the shadowy corners of me
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew
i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you
yes theres a chance that ive fallen quite hard over you.
ive seen the waters that make your eyes shine
now im shining too
because oh because
ive fallen quite hard over you
if i didnt know you, id rather not know
if i couldnt have you, i'd rather be alone
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while, i never knew
all of the while , all of the while
it was you

one of the many songs i purchased today... :)

i was thinking, how in all of those silly movies when the boy meets the girl, and he tells his friends, he says "man, isn't she really something"...
how silly and strange that is... would you use the opposite? i'm sure that many would. but that just seems heartless.

interview.music.coffee

today i got a call from shop rite. they asked me to come down for an interview. oh joy, i'm well on my way. today i also went down to bcc and got some information on what i need to do in order to go to school (and apparently i lost my acceptance letter bummer) i also went down to walmart and bought an itunes card and got some music. so tonight, i am in my pajamas, jamming out and drinking some cup-o-joe. i'm living the life. and the life is good :)

today, i found a tick. i'm pretty sure from my walk with peter. it was a very small little creature right next to the small of my back. i tried to get him off as gently as i could, but he was a stubborn little guy. but he came off, and now there's a very small mosquito bite sized lump on my back... it has shrunk a little bit since this afternoon, but i'm a little scared that this might turn into something serious. i suppose i'm just a little paranoid.

mini-breakdown

i cried today.
a lot... i think it was most likely in part because i didn't sleep last night. i did a little bit. but probably way less than an hour.
and of course lack of sleep makes one undeniable susceptible to bouts of sadness.
despite the new revelations of late, i'm not really sure that they were the only reasons for this therapeutic venture
i think, i've been waiting to cry for quite some time. and it all finally caught up with me. i haven't really been able to let it all out.
and today i finally did.
i sat in the shower and just sobbed, then i sat on the couch and sobbed some more. and i called pookie and bawled my eyes out....

and i feel good

i haven't gotten all of the tiny little pieces out, they're still floating around, but right now. i'm very calm. i'm very relaxed (i'm very tired)

lately, i haven't really been able to verbalize what's been going on inside my head. and i'm hesitant to try and talk with people, i'm scared that maybe these huge misery's of mine are only small and minuscule in the eyes of others. i don't think it's fair of me to talk or complain about all of my silly trifles. i guess in a way, i've sort of been distancing myself from communication.

as a change of pace, i drew today. it's a simple pen sketch, but the style is completely different from anything that i had ever done before. i really enjoyed the symbolism behind it. i've been thinking about different modes of transference for my feelings, and simple objects (probably because i've been reading asher lev of late) well, enough for tonight
i think i'm going to try and go to bed early (earlier) even though i've been napping throughout the day. i'm so exhausted. crying takes a lot out of you...

Agnes, I still adore you

i spent a significant part of the day today writing. not anything significant, just some letters. (as in ABC) i figured out that i have a list of musicians that i would like to invest in. M. Ward, Emmy the Great, Alessi's Ark, Noah and the Whale...

i bought tickets today. there's an andrew bird concert in october. i'm going. :) there's an extra ticket for however the future works out. i do not wish to go alone. it just seems like it would be that much more amazing if i had someone to share it with. i invited peter to go, we'll see what he says. they are not super amazing tickets... just something to get me in the building. i figure it doesn't matter where i stand, just so long as i'm THERE, i'll probably be freaking out the whole time anyway... maybe i'll finally get to talk with him about that letter i sent... :) now there's something stalker-ish for you

i wish that all of these really cute dresses weren't so silly and expensive. i found an adorable white dress with black buttons it was called morning in monaco... it was around the hundreds area... :/ ugh. well, i'm going to the flea market tomorrow, i told my dad that i would drive. yay me. we'll see what i can find for my 9 dollars and 81 cents...

bedtime stories

when we were younger, my brother and i used to climb onto the couch and wiggle and squirm while mom would read to us. it was tradition. we were always on the blue couch. and she would be in her rocking chair, and she would read us whichever book that we had chosen, like little house on the prairie, or counting numbers. (regretfully, the only story that i remember her reading quite vividly, was the house of winslow series. written by gilbert morris. there were about 20 something books, and she owned pretty much all of them. of course the only reason that i remembered them is because i was really into indians, and in the 6th one, the most handsome character goes into the wilderness and joins a tribe of native americans. he even goes through the right of passage... i thought i was pretty awesome)
when my mom goes to work, caleigh likes to wait up until she gets home (at around 11:45) before she goes to bed. so tonight, when mom got home, of course i am still awake, so i climbed into caleighs bed with her and listened while my mom read her stories. the book tonight, tisha. i love that book... i had it in my room for a good while until they ran out of reading material. so i regretfully gave it up.
i've been thinking a lot about my little library. i think it may finally be time for me to bid farewell to a few of the most beloved books, perhaps to make space for some new additions. or maybe just to put more knick-knacks.

maybe another rubik's cube or two...

i just registered for my new student orientation at bcc. right now, i have pretty much committed myself to one semester. so now i have to do all of this junk in order to prepare. and it looks like there is a job opening at the fitness center for a desk job. yay? so i'll be a working girl pretty soon. i'm not really sure where michigan stands at the moment. i guess we'll just see what happens later.

cardboard love

fish showed me this website, it's cardboardlove... :) this guy, (or girl, i'm very certain that it is a boy though) made this website where he writes little notes on cardboard to his significant other. personally, i think it's adorable... kudos to him. these are a few that i liked :D

rare.

it's funny what you learn about yourself when you're with other people. like how much you really do like cats. or that you enjoy squash. or how most of your underwear has blue stripes... maybe you really are comfortable with knocking on strangers doors, and climbing on trees. and maybe you're capable of going to sleep before midnight. sometimes you really can make decisions. maybe you shouldn't bring money with you, because you're an impulse buyer, and you'll spend. even if you don't really need to. or how you really can wear normal people clothes....

out

i just got back from nikki's house. we spent sunday afternoon to this morning chillin' together. on monday we got to see jacob, jeremy, and justin for an hour or two. and i bought a really cute blue shirt/dress(if i was shorter). and made two unsuccessful attempts to actually get my ears pierced.
i'm so glad that i went. as soon as my dad drove away, i just felt so much better. i felt like me agian. and now i'm home. and i'm trying not to slip back into the moods.
and getting to see the guys was nice. everyone's leaving for college you know?

admiration

i think the native americans had the right idea.
you know... whenever they made decisions
or decided to go raid some settlers
or planted crops
harvested crops
had some babies...
they consulted the great spirit
they had all of these religious ceremonies all to honor and pay homage to their god
and it's not like they just asked him for things... they thanked him all the time.
that's pretty chill....

bunny season

yesterday my brothers car broke down... so of course i tried to snatch up this opportunity... my dad decided that he was going to drive over to PA to pick it up. jacob, nikki, jeremy and i have been trying to figure out a way to get together while jacob was staying with jeremy. so far, the only hitch in the plan, is that i live so far away. so since dad was going over, i figured i would just go with him. so i asked last night at like 3 something (he was still up... go figure) everything seemed to be going according to plan. i woke up this morning at noon-ish and no one was home. mom was working, and i thought dad and caleigh just went to church. well it turns out he left without me...
i was so upset. i had been working out the details with fish the whole morning i was packed and ready to go. and he just... left. he said he would take me. i was so excited about getting out. i just needed to go somewhere. i needed to leave.

apparently he's going back tomorrow to pick up my brother. hopefully things will still be okay. but i was just so disappointed this morning...

tonight's just one of those nights i guess. i want very badly to have a cuddle buddy.

summary

by jess_1586

finally finished

i made this book. i drew the tree. i sewed the cover, i made the pages, i bound them together. and it is a piece of crap.
granted. i am very very very content with this project. i'm so glad that i did it. it was a huge stress reliever.
but in reality, i probably won't be able to write in it. the pages don't fold very well, it's a very stiff book. but really... i don't care. i'm going to try to write in it anyway... and really... i'm just happy that it's done

are you listening?

you don't understand. you don't understand. get the hell away from me. just shut the fuck up. i'm done. i'm done! just STOP.
i can't stress about this anymore
i don't want to stay here anymore, i don't want to wake up here anymore
i don't want to cry about it anymore.
i can't even look you in the eyes.

down where?

i made my cover today... for my book. and there is a very blurry picture of it... i put a pocket in the back. and it's two pieces sewed together. i did a back stitch around the edge in this maroon thread. i was originally going to make the tree black, but i'm kind of glad that i went with brown. i used a reference, but they don't look the same. i needed the basic tree shape, and i got some of the swirls, but then i messed up, so i just did whatever. i'm almost finished with the book. i just need to make a few more pieces of paper, and then i'll get to figure out how to bind it all together. joy..?

my sister got mad at me today because i wouldn't let her watch tv. (even though she had spent most of the day in front of it) i wanted her to find something else to do with her time. she had also spent a considerable amount of time at the computer, so i told her that she couldn't do that either. does that make me mean? does that make me a horrible person? because i wouldn't let her rot out her eyes? i worry for her a lot. she doesn't like to make decisions. maybe that's not such a bad thing. but i shouldn't have to tell her what she should do. she's 9 years old. shouldn't she be able to start making decisions like, i want to go play with my friends or, i want to draw a picture. when she's with her friends, she can figure things out, but without them, she's like a doll. i have to pull the strings. and i'm scared. "i love her, i don't want her to turn out like me"

today was quite rough for me. she woke me up. which i guess shouldn't bother me, but i didn't get to bed last night until around the 4 to 5 ish area. and i knew that i was going to be alone with her today. but the last time she just chilled out, read, watched some cartoons until i woke up. so naturally, i thought things were going to go the same way. unfortunately i guess she freaked out this morning or something, but mom told her that if i wasn't up by 11 she needed to come and wake me up. wrong wrong wrong. she woke me up. i was so unhappy. it threw off my whole day. i was cranky and irritable, and i was really depressed. there was a monster in me today.

tonight, i'm probably going to end up crying and listening to the national... i'm seriously not okay right now. " you might need me more than you think you will, come home in the car you love, brainy brainy brainy"

trying

i need a job.

i successfully made paper yesterday. it was dry this morning. but it was all thick and rough, so i put it back in the bucket. today i made some with my sister. i put some laundry detergent in the pulp to see if it would help soften up the end result. it's almost dried. i also used the rolling pin (i didn't find it yesterday) so i rolled it out, but only one side ended up being flat. so i'm going to need to figure out how to fix that. but so far, i'm fairly happy with how things are going...

i made an account on lastfm last night. and i've been listening to music ever since... i've found a few new people that i want to get some songs from. now i just need to get some money.... also last night, i was listening to opera (not at the same time) i requested a few from the library in the hopes of listening to them the whole way through... i also requested a roald dahl book. maybe the library will hire me...

my driving test is coming up soon...

troublesome night

i went to bed last night. and i woke up a few hours later, with this HUGE pain in my chest. and i kept thinking, i'm sleeping on my heart wrong. haha. but it hurt a lot. i had to move around and i think sit up even, before it went away....
what is that?
should i be worried?

scheming

well, tonight, i went out and bought all of the supplies that i'm going to need. witness.

to the right. notice the bug bucket of soaking paper... i haven't decided if i want to use bleach or not. if it ends up looking okay, i might just leave it out. to the left, there is the very fun home made frame. freshly put together by me and dad. in the center is the interfacing and fabric for the cover. and at the top, is the thread, needles, clasp, and sponge (the sponge is for the paper.)
right now. i think it's pretty safe to say i'm pretty hardcore excited about this.
steevo is coming tomorrow, so i'm thinking depending on what time she gets here, i might just wait until later to start the paper making process. it's a little messy, maybe i can get my sister involved too... she'd probably like it. she's coming home on sunday.

call me crazy.....

but i think i'm going to make my own notebook...

start to finish.

sounds ridiculous right?

WELLLLLLL

i was browsing through some sketchbooks on the internet... i haven't even finished the lewis and clark inspired one yet... and i'm already in the market for another book. and i was looking through some of the notebooks that people had made. and i think i can do it. i made paper in art class. if i can find a screen or something, i think it would be a good project to consider. maybe i'll start with a small 20 page something to start out with. i'll have to find a rack or something to hang the paper on while it's drying so that it will fold easily, but i think it would work out really nicely... and i could search for fabrics for the cover and... i'm really excited. ridiculously excited...

:D

pretty woman

"People's reactions to opera the first time
they see it is very dramatic.
They either love it or they hate it.
If they love it, they will always love it.
If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it,
but it will never become part of their soul."

i can't sleep. i've been going to bed pretty late the past couple of days... slash since i got home. i'm running out of things to do. i've painted my room. i've cleaned it oh 6 or 7 times, i drew an old man and a baby. i beat monkey island 1 and 2... ugh. (not all in one night) but what am i supposed to do with myself?

so tonight, i'm watching pretty woman... really, i'm a sucker for a cute story. i think though, that my favorite part is when they argue... just the ... the two of them they're so brutally honest all the time. and when they fight. it's not stressful, or scary or anything. it's still okay... which is good. maybe it's stupid, but i've never had an argument with someone where i wasn't scared they weren't going to love me anymore... be it boyfriend, or best friend. even my family... and i'm sitting here at 2:15 am about to cry, because they make it look so easy. (even though their arguments aren't real)and i'm jealous. i'm unbelievably jealous. i want to yell at someone. i want to argue and i don't want to be afraid of whether or not they still want to hang out with me. i want to indulge in a little cofrontation.