fafsa

... for this class period
we are supposed to be filling out our FAFSA
stuff... but i'm not sure that i really want to

they're just going to ask me a whole bunch of questions that
i don't know the answers to
so again, another wasted day

it's actually quite awful.
it was going okay, but then it wasn't. it was very wavy...
this morning i felt awful, but then, i didn't.
but then i did.
and then i didn't
and then i did again
because i found out that i actually really do suck at
my job
and, my boss is getting kind of aggravated with me

i feel very much surrounded by negative things
and i would like to not be... anymore
BUT, it's not working.

i don't want to think about the future
what i really want to do, right now. is sit in my room
with my blanket. and... do absolutely nothing
nothing at all
my deepest needs right now, are to be warm
so, maybe i'll invite someone to come and cuddle with me or something.

i'm kind of upset with myself right now.
(oh man)because, for the past few months
i've been on a steady incline of weight gain
and i'm walking around feeling like an ugly large
bulbous creature. and there's nothing i can do about it
i'm kind of thinking about not letting anyone wear my
clothes anymore.
there's nothing worse, than letting someone borrow one
of your favorite articles of clothing, and having it be
loose on them...
i guess though, the problem with this is that i am friends with
tiny people.

and tiny people are smaller than me. :)

i'm very aggravated right now.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

writers conference

Act I Scene I
stolen stone
taken
for violent misuse
forgotten are the harmonies that dwelled
before
now only disgusting purposes remain
with lore
the balance and pace of a misguided tribe
shattered and uncovered with one
final blow
throw...

Act I Scene II
Terrified of what's behind
driven by the hunger that thrives his mind
the others won't help his need provoked
only by thoughts of greed
to shun to kick ignore
he's felt it all before
he remembers the birth
of their stereotypes
alone and cold he finds shelter.
his
...hope arrives in the form of nourish
hidden by the transparent mockery
no longer ashamed of the story behind
he picks up the stone. blows
throws.

Act I Scene III
Haughty gorged with the sense of pride
the public safety in his hinds eye
his deeds widely known
if only they could see, they'd groan
moan with the thought of one so unjust
placed in such position, a must
filled with thoughts of perfect lust
to see the boy pick up the stone
of course the creature must atone
the dirt who threw the rock must pay
the broken glass and bread aghast
to see the flaming passion
he throws blows!
he strikes and slices the poor boy senseless
he was only penniless.

Act I Scene IV
Justice was served and the boy lay bleeding
the man walks away and the stone is pleading
shouts of mercy fill it's head
"this urchin will soon be dead
forgive him please"
it sobs with dread
at the thought of
circumstance eloping with red


AND SCENE

it needs work. a lot
we were at writers conference and the last session was about poetry
and this isn't much of one, but it's what i wrote while we
were supposed to

another day, another... ugh

so it's true...
they're getting married...
abel and some... person
i don't even know her name

and as much as this shouldn't bother me
it does.

we broke up in march. and they've been together for a while
long enough to get married anyway...
it's only october...
how many months is that?
seven?
and there are pictures of them from 05...
(am i reading too much into this?)

im happy for him. really i am...
(not)
but, it just doesn't seem like it fits together
i hope he knows what he's doing...
anyways...
i've decided to wash my hands of this nonsense..
completely!

but... it still hurts you know?
a lot

not like i would ever tell him that...
pfff...

sigh... i would like to be okay now
please...?

a confession

i came home today.
both my mom and dad came to pick me up.
which is kind of awkward when you think about it..
at least it was for me.
my dad has never come to get me on homeleaves.
not in the three years that i've been at bma.
he hasn't come once.

it's strange to think that he can be so busy
even though he doens't have a job.
it was an interesting thought to me...

i'm very much regretting coming home
my computer broke, so i'm using my dads...
there's nothing to cook. and i'm pretty much
just stuck cooped up in the house... all day.
:/ i was so scared of having nothing to do,
i finished my state rep. project for government.

i'm very ashamed of what my life has become.
at school, i spend my days wandering around
wishing that i had something to occupy my time
and at home, i'm just trying to stay away from
depression.
this is my day to day life...
and yet, as much as i hate it
i'm not sure that i have enough energy
to become pasisonate about anything.
i think it's humorous in a way, that i started enjoying
photography, but now, pookie is the one that takes the pictures.
and, i used to write, but now... i leave it up to others to write
my poems... i used to sing. but i can't anymore.
i used to sing all of the time. on the path down to classes,
down to lunch
up to the dorm.
but i can't anymore.
i can't...

everything that i love, is being shaken away from me.

this week, i got so mad at pooper.
i get mad at him a lot, and... he doesn't really care
and i think that's one of the things that bothers me.
pretty much, i feel like i'm the only one that cares
about our relationship.
and i miss him.
even with nothing to do, i haven't been able to spend
time with him, and he hasn't even cared.
and i'm so frustrated. because our relationship is
one sided.
and i'm no longer tall enough to complete that task.
so, i wrote him an official friendship resignation.
i haven't given it to him yet.
i don't think i will.
because he won't care...
it's not like i haven't talked to him about this before
i have.
perhaps i did not articulate myself well enough.
which seems to happen.
but, nothing has changed.
so i can't see how, doing that, would solve anything.
it would just make me feel awful, knowing that i mean that much to him...
and i'm not willing to sever the ties yet completely
i'll wait until college for that.
i know it's going to happen.
it's inevitable.
if he can't have a relationship with me now,
there's no way that he will later...
and it sucks... yes.

but what am i to do?

i have a knot in the back of my neck.
it's getting really bad.
but i dont' have anyone to get it out for me
and i am in pain.
ow.

in contiunation

there are to terrible things.
when someone hurts a loved one
and when someone you don't like sings one of your
favorite songs.

this weekend i was at kyle's house.
it was leadership retreat. so almost everything with legs was gone.
including pookie.
so in order to have a weekend NOT like last one. i went to kyle's house.
well. it turns out
that i probably should have stayed in the dorm.

i ended up feeling really uncomfortable most of the time. their family has a very distinct way of interacting. as in. they have really short fuses with each other. (and it seems to me as if the mrs. isn't happy, at all.) so it leaves me feeling awkward and unsure... like a child. (not only because they're filthy rich, and my family can't even afford to buy food anymore. mostly because i'm here. care to throw in another guilt trip?) it doesn't seem like they really appreciate anything. (not to complain about a very common cliche...)
i felt really out of place there.
like an alien.
so i was pretty melencholy the whole weekend.
but i think that i've decided that i don't want to create an atmosphere in my home where children can't grow up.
it's seriously what their house felt like to me.
i felt like a little kid who wasn't allowed to make any decisions....

i'm sick of being here.
i just want to dissapear.

lately every time i turn to someone that i love for advice, or for comfort
they all turn away like i have the plague.
it's like they're disowning me.
i don't understand.

i call home, they pretty much are ignoring me now.
i talk to someone up here, they look at me like i'm retarded.
why the heck am i trying so hard to love people, when they don't love me back?
i'm ready now... to start my life.
i feel very very ... alone all the time.
it's not moods anymore

it has stopped dissipating.
and is now constant.
i feel ignorant, and ashamed most of the time.
and... i dont' even know anymore.

just another waste

it's becoming harder and harder to be optimistic about things
(all of the time) i just want to go hide somewhere
and not be a part of it.
NOT BE A PART

i'm tired.

more on this later....

unfortunately

there is way too much time
but not enough

in happier news.
i finished my sonnet

it's kinda sucky
but i'm glad it's over with

i should

be happier than i am right now.
this morning i ate a cookie
i'm wearing "midnight pomegranate"
also a very wonderul scarf from espana
i'm trying to write a sonnet...
and still i am rather depressed this morning.

the other day, kyle was reading a book about relationships. haha
and it came to this part, that says, you should always be honest when you break up with someone. you need to tell them the truth and the reason why you're severing the relationship.
and i couldn't fully agree. because i've done it.
in fact, i just got an email from an ex. and
i know that i should tell him why i broke up with him. but it's too late now. how am i supposed to say, "you abused me emotionally and i think you did it on purpose?"
i can't

i can't even respond to his email
i can't even tell him how i'm doing.

UGH!

how am i supposed to tell #2 that i thought he was an idiot and he made me uncomfortable...?

technicality?

BRAIN WASH!

i'm back

right now, i'm listening to elliott smith. and trying to write number three out of four essasys that i need to finish by next wednesday. number three is about "the overcoat" by nikolai gogol. i love the story, but i would really rather not write about it right now. i really dont' want to do anything
i just got back from cuc collge days. what a barrel full of monkey fun that was.
on the bright side i think i've figured out what i want to do with my life.
i think i've decided that i like english enough to teach it.
i was day dreaming for the past day or so about what i would be like in a classroom setting. immersing myself in one of the subjects that i absolutely adore. and i am rather excited. :D
and if i ever become an enlish teacher. the first thing that i'm going to make my students read is beowolf.

because i'm a horrible person.

tired

of packing.


i need a break from life.
i was actually thinking earlier tonight how much
i just want to go somewhere FAR away
and just... be on my own for a while.
i'm so sick of being around the people...
that i'm around right now (at home)

and i would like nothing better
than to go somewhere else
and reinvent myself

have a fresh start
you know?

but i can't
because, it's ...


very very unlikely that i will ever get to.

just how it's very very unlikely that i will actually enjoy the next few years..

ah, rest...

so, after a very hectic morning. of not having my computer
i now get to enjoy this evening of pc-pro-ness

my poor roddrick had been acting funny lately.
he was around three breaths short of a break down
so i coppied all of my files onto the new ipod
-whose name is Vittorio-
and... sigh.... erased my hard drive.

so now, after a very inconvenient computer less day
i have most of my necessary things back on my roddrick
and can now rest easy
knowing that he might have four breaths
before he departs to the big pc convention in the sky

Vittorio on the other hand, had been a very pleasant surprise.
and i think, we will enjoy a very long and exciting relationship together. :D

i just got home.

my mom came to pick me up and brought me this paper that my sister wrote for one of those back to school project things. so, she wrote this paper about me.
it says

"my sister is an artist. she draws like you can not believe. she has a big room. she is mostly fun. she is the greatest sister. that is all i can say about her."

i thought it was really cute.
except for that mostly fun part.. :D

psalm 9...

yesterday. i had a really good day.
almost.
yesterday was Tuesday. and i had been looking forward to Tuesday for some time. i would get my picture proofs, we would elect bel canto officers. i would only have one day until home leave.
so yesterday i wore a really cute outfit. because i felt good... and everything was going great! until i got to leadership bible class.
when i got to class, we started talking about oh, all of those topics that you would normally talk about in a bible class. and i started getting really aggravated. which I've noticed starts happening whenever I'm in a spiritual situation. like vespers. or chapel. i turn my mind off. because i don't want to listen to it. i don't want to hear any of it. so i was contemplating the reasoning behind my sudden disinterest for these topics and i realized it's because, i don't care. i don't care about what they have to say. and i don't want to hear it. i was in the middle of class and everyone was voicing those spoon fed opinions and i felt so angry at them all. I'm tired of the expected answers when it comes to God.
so as i was walking down to bel canto after class, i was thinking to myself. do i care about the bible? because i only read parts of it because people tell me that i should. but honestly, i don't think i do. i don't think that i can subscribe to believing in the bible. i haven't even read the whole thing. but if i don't care about the bible. do i care about God? no. i don't think that i do. i don't have a reason to believe in him. i don't know where he is. and the whole time, i was three steps away from hyperventilating because. it's awful.
i never wanted to be one of those people that didn't believe in him. never. i didn't understand why people would say things like "god doesn't exist" because of everything that i had been told by everyone else. it was sort of like a "duh, why can't you see this?" sort of deal.
and i was freaking out because i was turning into one. and it scared me. immensely.
so all during bel canto, i was crying my eyes out. and mr. flores picked that practice to sing the "solo" or whatever, and it didn't go as horribly as it could have. but, you could tell. so pooper asked to practice it after, (we were getting out early) and so of course we ended up talking about my puffy eyes and i ended up telling him. hmm.. he seems to have a knack for that kind of thing. so i talked it over with him. there were a lot of "i don't knows"
but afterwards, i didn't feel any less freaked out. or like i had done anything. so i went back to my room and packed and such.
but i was thinking about it before i went to bed.
i thought it was kind of funny because i still had the "I'm going to talk to God before i go to bed mentality"
so this morning, i was in the shower and i was trying to think of reasons not to believe in God. and i couldn't think of any.
and i realized that my reasoning for denouncing him, didn't hold up.
i won't decide to believe in him, but i'll decide not to?
seems kind of ridiculous.
and in my 10 minute shower, i was trying to think of anything that could sway my decision.
and i found one.
i cannot subscribe to evolution.
it seems like a silly enough answer right?
and if i strongly believe in creation, it's a fair guess that i should also have belief in a creator, or else my whole foundation is ... gone.
and right now, it's a good enough reason for me.
i think i'm okay with deciding to believe in God. because the truth is, i don't know what i would do if i didn't believe in him. i don't think i'm capable of NOT believing. maybe it's a part of growing up in the church. i'm not really sure. but, i wouldn't feel complete if i denounced him.

as of right now, i'm not entirely sure where i stand on every subject or element of anything religious. but, i have decided.
i have made my choice.
and right now, i feel content.

i'm going home today. so i'll take a break from my mind for a few days, and when i get back, maybe i'll try to appreciate things.
i'm not claiming anything right now. except God.


and i think i'm okay with this decision.

kind of but not quite...

i am in a very fluctuating mood right now

i want to be inspired by something
i want to feel passionate about anything

but i want to rest...
to catch up with life..
to breathe

so, as you can see, it's quite difficult for my mood to be satisfied..
it's all so very demanding.

i would say currently, i am not happy.
more annoyed if anything. i got an email from an old friend today. and i was annoyed by the way she tried to tell me things that i already knew. like she was the authority on my life, and everyone else's. and yet. it just makes me incredibly disgusted with myself. it's like i prefer to judge rather than to see the sides.

so amidst the trying to figure out what i will be doing with the rest of my life, planning out every inch of my homeleave (including trying to be polite to my family, trying not to step on people's toes, trying to figure out every little tiny detail of family formalities) trying to get through the next few days, reforming my dastardly ways, i also have to deal with this new ounce of self hate so lavishly heaped upon me.

so this afternoon i was trying to find things to look forward to. things to make me smile.
1. the seniors receive their picture proofs tomorrow. and i am supremely curious as to how they have turned out.
2. my anniversary with pooper is coming up on the ninth of november. and i have planned out an elaborate gift for him. (which should cause stress but surprisingly doesn't. but now i have to deal with the whole, "no we're not going out, it's the anniversary of the starting point of our friendship" but i don't want to tell people. it's not something that i think they would understand. i haven't told anyone what my big plan is yet. i don't think i'm going to."
3. i picked out four songs for my senior recital today. which means practice practice practice! but, i'm happy. because now i have something to work on. a goal i guess to keep me sane for the rest of the semester.


i love life. i really do. it's just i'm not sure i know how to appreciate it yet. and it depresses me ever so slightly.

calm

right now, i feel very relaxed.
which is a stretch at most.
this morning i was entirely shrouded in doubt.
the fair mr. stewart asked me if i would be willing to lead out in song service at his church plant. which of course, i said yes to. and of course should have said no to. i am no good at getting up front. as is evidence by my focus week fiasco. so i should not have agreed. so last night, and well into this morning. i was freaking out for obvious reasons. and afterwards. i was very depleted and void of energy. because i failed. miserably. but later i stepped out and played a little badminton... a strange sport for a reed. (in fact, all sports are strange for the reeds... )

so that was my day...

i also got called for jury duty...
strange, since i'm still a minor...
hum.

release

the time has come, for me to accept the fact. that i am a jerk. i know i have said this before, but let me explain... a few weeks ago, we were supposed to have picked our bel canto dresses... and we did. i was out voted 5 to 1. yes i was a smidge peeved. but i got over it right?
well, we got the dresses yesterday (let me just say that yesterday was an incredibly awful day for me)so when we got the dresses, it was like "ugh i can't believe how ugly they are" and i was incredibly free with my opinions. i was upset. i was frustrated. but i was too critical. i realize that i made a mistake. it was not the best thing to do. as is evidence by the offense that i caused a friend of mine. i called to apologize. but as these things often go, she didn't really accept it. she said everything was fine. but i saw her today and it's not how they seem. i will believe her. and not assume that she is still mad at me. but, it's hard not to. i feel very stuck. also because we're voting whether or not to keep the dresses today. and if they get revoked. how will she feel? it didn't help that i was the one trying to organize the whole thing. like i said. i am a jerk. so i stepped down. and now i will just be one of the masses. i will vote. share my opinion when necessary. but i still feel really awful about what happened... i don't know how to fix it. it seems as if i'm being unnecessarily disgusting lately.

i found The Glass Menagerie in the library a few days ago, and found a part that i related to completely.
the son is entirely frustrated by his mother, and after too much, he simply explodes, screaming this.

"i'm going to opium dens! Yes opium dens of vice and criminal hangouts, mother i've joined the Hogan gang, I'm a hired assassin, i carry a tommy gun in a violin case! i run a string of cat hoses int he valley. they call me killer. killer wingfield. i'm leading a double-life a simple honest warehouse worker by day, by night a dynamic czar of the underworld mother. i go to gambling casino's, i spin away fortunes at the roulette table. i wear a patch over one eye and a false mustache, sometimes i put on green whiskers. on those occasions they call me el diablo! oh i could tell you many issued to make you sleepless. my enemies plan to dynamite this place. they're going to blow us all sky-high some night! i'll be glad, very happy. and so will you! you'll go up on a broom stick over blue mountain with seventeen gentlemen callers. you ugly babbling witch!"

and while he's yelling, he breaks his sisters glass menagerie...
and he regrets. he mourns. his mistakes.

and this is pretty much how i reacted... except about dresses
not... drugs...

finally figured out

i think i have finally realized why..

let me explain.
this morning, i was in the music office with kyle and we started talking about the mission trip. he asked me if i was going to go and i said no. he then asked me why, and my gut response was "because i wouldn't want to cheat anyone"
i think this is probably one of the reasons why i am the way that i am... i don't like being a part of something, when i'm not fully involved, or capable of becoming involved completely. i'm not passionate about very many things. and yes, going on a mission trip would be exciting. but if i went, and someone else didn't. i would feel incredibly guilty. because they probably have more initiative than i do.
this year, i don't feel like being in bel canto. why? because i'm not ready for it. i'm not prepared to deal with everything. i'm not excited about school.
all of these things is just... bearing down on my mind. i want to become passionate, but there is nothing for me to do that with.
i haven't yet figured out why i'm so void of emotion, or i guess i should say incredibly bipolar right now. but at least a smidge of the puzzle has been filled. yes?
i'm still frustrated with so many things. not a day goes by when i don't feel like bursting into a flood of tears. and talking to people only makes it worse. it's an unnecessary burden upon innocent souls.
a few nights ago i had a breakdown. i was on the phone with my dad, and i couldn't even control it. i didn't see it coming at all. it was a complete surprise. i was and am still very upset about the whole thing. it sparked from the conversation "what am i doing with my life" i freaked out. and i couldn't even feel release through talking with him. it was like i was robbing him of his chance to speak to me. i was wasting his time by making him listen to my pathetic story...
i feel like i'm draining everyone of their happiness. like i'm destroying them by being concerned about me.
and the funny thing is. i'm a listener. i'm supposed to be listening to them talk about what makes them upset. not the other way around

right now though. i feel very lost.
i haven't found my niche yet. so i'm borrowing the space of others.

and it's not right
it's not okay

forever

it seems like it's taken at least forever since i've begun attending at bma...
i just want to get out.
so far, we've had to deal with the stresses of senior retreat
and bel canto dresses
mosaics
forced fun.
and it's only entering the fourth week.
i'm not sure how much more of this i can take...

sigh... all summer i wanted to get in
and now all i want to do is get out...

but perhaps, sometime soon, it will get better...
right?
at least that is what my dad keeps trying to tell me.. but i'm not sure how much i'm willing
and or accepting of that idea
seeing as how he's been saying it since he lost his job like a bazillion years ago....
still doesn't have another one.

and it feels like forever since i've enjoyed life...
like forever since i've laughed without hesitation
forever since i haven't missed someone...

i embark

today
for my senior year.
wish me luck
love
peace
joy
no stress
haha

love you all

packing

so, i'm currently getting together all of my things, and getting ready to go up to bma on sunday. everything is pretty much all together. but it's very depressing. yesterday, i went to the movies with Chrystal. on the way home i was in the car and listening to "love you all" by cloud cult. and it started pouring rain. i was just sitting there bawling my eyes out because it was so beautiful. all of my stress and doubts and fears and loves came out all at once in this awful moment. but i called pooper and started yelling to him. most of the time, he doesn't mind helping me calm down. then, this morning i headed out for my last day of work. but around 11 i had an msg attack and had to go home. which of course you know they're going to complain about because it was my last day. they're going to think it was a cop out. but i got home and was puffy and red and there was no way that i could've worked. but whatever. so now i'm packing and getting all of the things that i want to take with me into the middle of the room so that i can find them easily. my dad thinks i'm too stressed. so he took my phone away this afternoon and he's not going to let me use the computer until tomorrow. which i understand. i am stressed. i just found out tonight that he took out a loan so that he could help me pay for my registration fee.
it really freaks me out because he said that he wasn't going to take any more loans out. but whatever. so i'm just kinda chilling waiting for time to either speed up or slow down. i'm in limbo waiting for everything to come back to earth.
sigh.

stressssssed

so, today at work, was sucky
i don't want to go tomorrow
or friday
i'm such a rotten employee

ugh today though my fellow employees decided to turn the radio
up real loud
they were in the gym and all of the little kiddies were there
and i'll give you three guesses as to what kind of music it was
rap! yuck.
so, they have it turned up so you can't hear what all of the
incoherent children are trying to tell you
and so dun dun dun
the doorbell rings. i'm downstairs (the gym is upstairs)
so i answer the door, it's a parent i tell them where their
child is and i go back to the children downstairs. right?
right. so like, 10 minutes later, i take my kids down to
the gym and the parent is sitting in the lobby right in front
of the gym with a magazine in her lap and a "death to the world"
expression on her face. obviously she isn't happy. we're not supposed
to have music playing.
i'm assuming we're going to have a complaint sooner or later about this
sigh. i would be upset too, so i can't even blame her.
this is unacceptable. i wouldn't want my kids listening to any kind of music
without my knowledge.

we had to kick a kid out because he brings roaches
every time he comes. so far we found them in his diaper, sippie cup,
book bag, sandwiches. it's nasty
and they're infesting our facility so we had to tell him that
he can't come back unless he has a note from his landlord saying that
they are taking care of the problem.
yuck.
but he was a pain.
unless he wanted to be cute.

excitement

so today i'm on a quest to go and find honey sticks.
i'm also going to hallmark
i have decided what i'm doing for graduation gifts
so... i need to go and see if they have what i need.
and at the risk of ruining the surprise. i'm not going to say anything
because miss nikki might figure it out. haha.
but yea, i'm on a mission! dun dun DUUUUN!

i hate food

so this will be the 111 post :/ second palindrome
usually, that would make me incredibly excited. but see, i missed the first post because i was complaining and what not... so, anywho. today at work was really slow. for some reason the director thinks that it's a good idea to keep the toddlers and infants in the same room so we have like four babies and three toddlers running around in the same room. it's crazy.and also, sitting in a room with babies is not exactly the most entertaining thing in the world. "oh my goodness, she spit! so cute!" ugh. do you know how sick i am of speaking in baby talk... :/ yarg.... fargle..

the doctors

today, i had to go the doctors office. the daycare requires me to get this form filled out by a physician before i can start working, but they said the latest i could get it in was about 2 weeks ago, so i've been trying to hurry up and do that... :/ yup. so, we were sitting there, and it turns out that our appointment was at 8:50 and we got there at around that time, but someone else had an appointment at 8:30 and got there the same time we did, so my mom was upset because now everything was messed up and we were going to have to wait for forever until we could see the doctor. but my mom and i got into this conversation about what i was going to use my money for. because, i'm working, and the whole purpose was to use it for registration, but my dad already paid for it, and he said i could probably just use if for splash cash here and there throughout the year. and so, i was planning on saving it so that i could go to poland with nikki if we're still going. so, i don't know, that was my plan and then my mom was like, oh, by the way, you have to pay for your books. so now i have to pay for that expense. but see, they made me get my own bank account. so if they had wanted access to that money, they shouldn't have let me do that. they specified registration money, and since that's paid... i should get to keep it right?
well, whatever. so i'm confused about that right now, seeing as how the communication with my family is very non existent. so, they're probably going to decide sometime that i can't keep any of it, which you know, i wouldn't be too upset about if they had told me that from the beginning. but whatever... right? yarg.
i really hate that oxy clean guy. billy mays or something like that.
not really, but i'm very annoyed right now....

sharing

South Carolina

so we went down to SC to visit family. my grandma rented these barracks in the Oconee county so my section of the family traveled 12 hours by car (very uncomfortable, don't do it) to go stay in this little... room. there were 2 bathrooms one in between two rooms. there were four beds to a room, a kitchen and a family room with 3 pull out couches. so we got there at around 5 on friday morning, we left thursday at the same time. my dad, chad and i were having trouble sleeping so we decided to go exploring before the sun came up. we walked down to this part of the "park" that had the directions to all of the trails. we wanted to go to hidden falls, but we couldn't find them, go figure, so we came back to the barracks at around 7:40 and went to bed. woke up at around 10 something. then that day, we just sort of, didn't do anything. later in the afternoon we went out and started looking to see what was around, we found out that everyone eats boiled peanuts. which i found, really strange... :/ they're salty and gross. AND SQUISHY... so, it was an experience. on saturday everyone wanted to go wake up super early and hike for three miles to see a giant rock... i did not find that exciting at all, and my parents agreed with me. so we slept in and then while everyone was gone, we went waterfall hunting :) it was pretty crazy, there's this one waterfall, dry falls that was used in the last of the mohicans movie, and so of course we had to go.. but they were closed, they were rebuilding the parking lot so, we hopped over the line and went down anyway, because we can't come back in september when it reopens... so we got back to the barracks at around 9 something, not in time for supper. and we had to sit around and wait for everyone to go to bed because we're stuck with the hide-a-beds. sunday, we just kind of sat around, the uncles went golfing when they came back, it was 3-ish so my dad took chad and i out, we walked around the highlands for about an hour and then we went waterfall hunting again :) this time, we found this river, that had this huge water hole type thing, and there was a rock 20 or so feet up. which of course we had to jump off of, because we're idiots. i was persuaded twice, but it was pretty scary. i don't jump off of things... haha, so yea. but we went down the river and there was this gorgeous waterfall, that you can't really hike to the bottom of because there's poison ivy and steepness everywhere so we went back up a little bit and climbed down, to the edge, it was so beautiful... then, yesterday everyone wanted to go to the cowpens battlefield and of course we had to stop at the bmw factory and the calhoon house. really exciting... :/ after everything, we started on our way back home.
we got here around 4:30 but I GOT 2 LETTERS! i was so excited haha. so today the plan is to write letters, go to work, and write some more..
so i told you the events, but perhaps later i will disclose the family drama

finally

so on the top, that is nikki and i, i went to lbi
to visit the nases and company :)
i had a lot of fun. it was crazy seeing them again
and i really really missed nikki....:/
and then when i got home... my grandparents
had arrived. and my grandma brought me my blanket
the second picture.
:) it's like a giant puzzle piece with the scalloped edges!
i'm so excited!
i get to finish it. :)
i guess the only downside to my tuesday was that i got my period...
Rats... so right now i feel gross... but whatevs...

i knew a girl once

She liked to look through the windows of the houses
She passed by
To see the color schemes of someone else’s life
Her favorite part was the curtains.
Each house had its own set
Most of the time, they would match
The room to a T
And every time she looked in, it would be different
Sometimes there would be a person or two
And others, it would be bare
But every time she looked through,
Even if it was for just a moment
She could see a
Different perspective.
That was probably why she hated
Being in the driver’s seat
Road’s don’t have curtains.
Mostly, the only time she got to look
Was when she was sitting on the back
Of her daddy’s motorcycle
She would listen to her headphones
That she always wore under the helmet
And match the themes to
Someone else
Stealing the words
And painting her pictures
The funny thing is,
They don’t remember her

slightly

this morning i woke up at around 5 because
i had probably the worst night mare... in a while
it was really really creepy.
uhm. pretty much i got kidnapped by these two guys
who liked to drink blood...
freaked me out.
so i didn't get back to sleep which automatically leads to
tired carly.
so we went to church and everything. we left early
and i took a nap that ended up being too short.
my dad, caleigh and i went with the jon mess and dorothy
to go canoing and kayaking.
actually, i must admit that i had more fun than i thought i would
it was my first experience in a kayak and i liked it a lot
it was a little bit of hard work
and probably not enough. but
i enjoyed myself thoroughly
until about 9-ish.
we decided to go to bills house and watch
jesus christ superstar. and i was very appalled.
in no way shape or form do i or did i have any
interest in seeing this film. it strikes me as
a mockery almost. and i don't think it's okay.
at all, but whatever, i'm just a teenager.
i find it interesting however that a man who
won't go inter tubing on a saturday will watch
a movie that is known for being controversial
the same day.
i don't know. whatever.
so we went and i figured i'd give it a try just for
politeness and maybe a discussion afterwards
but around 15 to 20 minutes in
i became so disgusted with how it was all turning out
i went upstairs and fell asleep.
so tomorrow we're planing a fun filled day of maybe
riding some roller coasters
yay?
we'll see how i feel then.
:/
right now
i think it would be a good idea if i was to go to sleep

wasted.

tonight we had youth group.
and afterwards i decided to drive home because
i figured that driving on the highway at night
would be a little easier than doing it in daylight
seeing as how, at night, you can see lights
and during the day, there are more cars, whose lights
you cannot see. so i told my dad, i was like, hey
i wanna drive home. and he was like, sure whatever.
but before we left i was in a pretty good mood
i was singing along with the radio and i was making small talk
and he was being completely unresponsive the whole time
which you know, sort of put a damper on things.
and he would get frustrated with me when i was trying to drive.
but of course i had no idea how to get home. seeing as how i had
never done it before
and he was getting mad at me
he even responded to my small talk with things like, is it necessary
and such. and i don't get it. it definitely killed my good mood. and
i'm very sad right now.
around 3/4 of the way home. i got this overwhelming feeling
of extreme sadness. it came out of no where. and it hasn't left yet
i keep feeling like i'm going to just burst into tears
and it's awful.
i think this is probably the most upset i've been all summer.
i don't know. i'm fairly certain i could make
a whole bunch of excuses.
i think i'm done with excuses.
someone asked me tonight
what i did with my spare time.
i couldn't answer them
it's almost like i've finally come to terms with the fact
that i'm barely half of anything.
my personality is stolen
my thoughts are borrowed
and everything else
is like everything else
there is not one ounce of uniqueness in me
and i haven't done anything to change it.
and sure i can find the faults in everyone else
and it's just a s midge harder to find them in myself
but i haven't done anything to correct them
at all
and i'm not okay
i'm not okay with any of it
i wish to be honest and
sincere
and original
and beautiful
and smart
but i am none of it
as of right now
i am a little girl
sitting on her bed
crying her eyes out
because her own father
doesn't wish to talk to her
and i'm not
okay.

thankfull part 2

so as i was saying, these new shifts.
on the one hand. i will be waking up earlier
which is always hard when going back to school
because i need to regulate my schedule again so that
i wont' start off the year being super tired
and irritated... but on the other hand. i don't think i really want
to work for around 9 hours a day.
working three hours already is really
wearing me down. i think it's safe to say
that i'm not cut out for child care.
at least not so many.
when it gets down to the two or three
sometimes even four kids
i can handle them pretty well
but when it's a whole bunch of kids. it gets more
difficult.
but. i am really excited that i even have a job
and picking up this extra cash is going to be really
good because not only will we have more registration money.
but being able to work with the kids all day
instead of only at the end when they're more bold
might be good for me.
i don't even know who i'm subbing for yet.
so i might have different kids.
who knows
it's an adventure..
:)
so let's hope i'll be able to accept it

thankful

so today i'm feeling
very .... thankful
or at least like i should be feeling this way.
i picked up two weeks of full shifts at work
right before i go back to school.
so it's either going to completely kill me
or, maybe i'll be able to handle it.
i'm not really sure you know?
my computer's being a jerk so i'm going to have to restart
so i will post in a few minutes...

i love YOU daddy warbucks

i watched ANNIE
today. with my little sister
it used to be my favorite movie when i was a youngin
i think i'm going to have to get some of the
music for that
it was really cute

:)

looking for some cure

i need to shed some poundage...

for serious...

yhup

wonderful weekend :D

so friday night
at around 12:10 or so
i get a surprise visitor
peter came!
he was here until this morning
i was really excited
i missed him a lot and he's not going to be here for a while
so, it was nice.
we got to talk quite a bit
and he introduced me to la boheme
:)
but we ate lunch together this morning
and then he was off. i think he didn't stay
long enough, haha, but i am still very glad
that he came.
after he set out, my dad wanted to go on the boat
so we set up and went tubing
it was actually a lot more fun than
i remember it being.
but if peter was there haha... i'm sure he would've enjoyed himself
so yes.
i had a very good weekend
YAY!

i think i very much enjoy surprises
and cookies

accident

today i had an official breakdown.
it occurred after my first car accident
no one was hurt
but i totally freaked out
i came home
and was huffing about
and then i dropped my cookie
and i went outside
but no one was answering their phone
and i started bawling
and i called pooper
we talked for a while
but the whole beginning
i think for a good 10 minutes
i was screaming at him
about how i hate everything thats going on
like how my dad is jobless again
and silly things like that
it was much needed but i feel kind
of bad for him
i feel so isolated from everything
and so he kind of got the blunt end of
my frustration
it seems as if everyone is getting that lately
and i don't know.
maybe it wouldn't be so bad if people actually talked to me
but no
they don't
surprise...
i don't know why i'm so upset about it
but i really am
i live so far away
and it's hard to go and visit people
because i don't live
anywhere near them
and i can't go visit
so i try to keep in contact
but they're busy actually living their lives
and so by the end of it they don't want to message
me or talk to me or anything
and it's like.. well okay i'm really glad that i love you
i'm just so aggrivated with the whole thing
maybe i shouldn't be
i don't know maybe i'm running off of the assumption
that friends actually talk to each other
lately
they have no interest in initiating conversation
maybe i should just lay low for a while
so
that's what i'll do
goodbye internet
goodbye phone
i don't want you're apathetic responses
don't fake interest....
i'll live. i promise

i don't get it

do i have the plague?

i'm so fed up with this
no joke. i'm really frustrated...

i miss

everyone
i'm very sad today
work dragged

i think what i need
is a really huge
sandwich hug

:/

small potatoes

i love this song

it is a delicacy for my ears :)

qwerty

tomorrow my dad and i are going to hit bath and body works
because they're having their SUPERHUGESALE!
yesh ma'am

today i finished niko's birthday present
i wrapped and addressed
and tomorrow we're shipping it out for his birthday :)
shh! surprise :)

work wasn't too bad today
which is good.
tomorrow's my last day this week
because friday is fourth of july! yay?
sooo, yhup

i'm really really hungry
BUT i can't eat
because eating at night
gives you extra weight
that's harder to get rid of
and i'm going to sleep in like a half hour
and you're supposed to go to bed at least two hours
after you eat
so i now have to suffer in silence...
GO ME!

currently
i have lost all feeling in my butt
Rats..

busy

today i made a very cool something
his name is teddy. ted of course
for short

i also made something for pecho
:)
i'm really really excited about it
i can't wait to send it to him.
although i'm not sure when he'll get it
but i figure i'll tell him about it
send it to his house
and he can get it whenever he goes back :)

i have so much to do this week

i'm going to go and get ready for niko's gift
and pecho's
i need to write little letters to go in each one
and my dad's coming home tomorrow
YAY
and hopefully, i'll get my paycheck
so we can go ahead and head over to
bath and body works
i've been dying to go
they have they're sale right now
:)
i can't wait
soooo this week
will be pretty good :D

silly dreams

She had a dream about him last night
She didn’t know where she was
But if she ever returns
She’ll know that she was there
With him
Once.
He was with some of his
Friends, talking about
Who knows what.
She walked in, and was eating a lollipop.
For some reason everyone had one
Hers was red
And he had taken the sticks
And pretended that he was
Special by playing with the
Leftover sticks
How symbolic.
He took the stick out of her mouth
It still had the candy remains on it
Like when you bite a jolly rancher in half
It’s a candy that can’t
Be reused
It’s wet and sticky now
No one wants it anymore
Because it’ll absorb whatever it sits on
So it cries tears of betrayal
It is the leper of the sweet societies
You must avoid it at all costs
Or else it’ll spread
The dreadful stickiness
To everything it touches

You made her disloyal
This red candy…
Knows that She’ll never take it back
It knows.
And so it cries,
It clings to the stick
In case it is ripped from
That as well
It has nothing
Nothing at all left to hope for
Thanks to him
He separated them
And she will never forgive him
then she woke up

energized

haha, okay not really
i'm actually tired
BUT
i went walking today!
i had fun
my brother and i bonded
sort of
and i climbed a rock!
yay!
i need to find something for Niko

i like plaid

hmm... i really wish i had
a friend or two to come
and chill with me
i'm slightly more on the lonely side
sigh.....

good things

i have this pair of plaid pants
that i love
and i figured out that i have a blue shirt
that perfectly matches...
it is very exciting. also because i have
a pair of shoes that match both
good thing 1

i found out that
bath and body works is having
a SUPER HUGE SALE!
and (ohmygoodness i just started singing along with the tv.. :)
i'm going to coerce my mother into
taking me.
she knows she loves it as much as i do :)
good thing 2

i love pens
good thing 3

the past two days at work
have been very bearable
having only one more kid today than yesterday
and having my biggest trouble maker leave early
has SUPER infused my day with
less stress, and more outside time
good thing 4

i went to the library today
and found collected Hawthorne's
i'm very excited
i also found the sequel to this book
that i read like... freshmen or sophomore year
very cool! it was an awful cliffhanger...
good thing 5

i talked to pookie today
i miss pookie
but we had a good conversation
good thing 6

short end

of the stick
lately....

i am happy today

which is sad
because everyone is everywhere
so i can't share my joy with them
and whenever someone talks to me
it's half hearted
in messages too

i want to scream and shout and
jump
and
LAUGH

but no one is
interested
in sharing with me

depressed

yesterday... or i guess two days ago
was the one year mark
or it would've been anyways
well, last night i had my pillow
(THE pillow, the one he made)
and i couldn't sleep
because it was on my bed
in march, when we broke up
i was like, oh whatever it's mine
it doesn't matter
and by that time
i couldn't sleep without it
you know how when you're little
and you sleep with a teddy bear
it takes a while before you can sleep
without one
well it was one of those kinds of deals
but last night
it was making me so anxious
and irritated
i couldn't sleep
i was freaking out
because it was there
i was really close
to having a mental breakdown
so i threw it on the floor
and i couldn't sleep for like
a good hour or so afterwards
i'm so exhausted by all of this madness

today i spent like three hours making these
little stringy things
i like them a lot
i think i'm going to make one for niko's birthday
when i send him his present
i have this whole surprise planned
he knows i'm sending him something
but see, my plan is to find a whole bunch of neat little things
and combine them
i'm going to write him a letter every day until i send it
like, an update on the progress and whatnot while i'm trying to
put together his gift :)
i'm really excited about the whole thing
so far, i have day one
and gift one!
it's those little sponge dinosaurs in the
pill cap sols that expand when you put
them in warm water :)
they're so cool! i think he'll get a kick out of them haha
and so, i think i'm going to make him one of these stringy things
and make that the gift for day two!
i really hope he likes it...
i think i'm going to get a box and
decorate it
i'll probably include cookies or something
... if i plastic bag them
they won't get nasty will they?
well... i won't make them until day of i guess
i'm so excited :)
i really want to make his birthday special!
even though... he's like, in a different country and
all that...
and this is what's keeping me sane at the moment
but you can't tell him
because that would spoil the surprise, silly

alltime

the wedding singer
is one of my favorite movies

raptors

"doctor! what happened to my daughter? why isn't she responding?"
"i'm sorry sir, she seems to be suffering from a rare form of a coma"
"what does that mean"
"well, it appears that something so terrible occurred, so traumatic that she shut off part of her brain."
"oh dear, that's not like her."

dread

i am at home
NOT at bma like i should be
friday morning i woke up kind of nauseous
but i took some charcoal and an advil
and thought nothing of it.
i was a little queesy the ride up
but i was like... eh
we stopped at taco bell
but i couldn't eat anything
because my throat was being a pain
but we were so close
so i got dropped off
and i was hanging out with pookie
and jeff and kyle and them
i got to see nikki
and i was okay
but then we went to Wendy's
and you know how it is when someone
buys you something, and you have to
eat it because you feel
obligated
well, that's how it was
and i think that's what did me in
we went back to Danika's around 5
and i fell asleep on her couch
because i couldn't sit up
i was so tired
when i woke up
i had to make numerous trips to the bathroom
and i couldn't do the car ride over
so i stayed at her house for the
meeting and was sleeping
and bathroom tripping the whole time
i felt really awful about it too
because the Gallatin's are so nice
i love them to pieces and i didn't want to in convene
them, so i called my dad and we worked out for my
brother to come and pick me up so then
i slept until around 10 when chad called
and was like, 'i'll be there in like a half hour'
so i walked out to the living room to tell them
and then i grabbed my pillow and chilled on the
couch with all of them until he got there
when he arrived i grabbed my stuff and walked outside
no sooner had i stepped out
i started vomiting
when i stopped i walked over to a car
and sat down
turns out
it wasn't his car so i had to stand up again...
but i laid down in the back seat
and we drove home
i slept for an hour
but then chad started
getting tired
so we talked for the rest of the way
so he wouldn't fall asleep
but we got home okay
and i went to bed

now i'm awake
and very sad
i think the day care made me sick
those little kids hardly ever wash
their hands unless you tell them to
and then when they do, they just run them under
the faucet unless you do it for them.... anyway
the whole reason i went down to bma
was to see all of the people that i might not see
again.
i saw a few of them
but i didn't get to see
peter or pooper
and i had to tell them
that i was there but leaving
i keep having these dreams
where i'm running around
trying to find
people who would be willing
to pay for me
so that i could go back my senior
year.
i might not get to
my whole bma experience
has been sort of stressful
because every time i turn around
it's, 'oh we might have to take you
out because we don't have enough money
to keep you there, so keep having fun
but just remember that it might be
the last time'
but the truth is, i don't think i'm going
back this time
we really don't have the money
my dad doesn't have a job
and we can't pay the bills as it is
so what happens if i don't
ever see them again?
sigh... i think i'm a little too stressed
i'm going to go
take a bath or something
and drink some orange juice
maybe that'll help

mmmmmmmm

i just drove my dad down to wawa
and he bought me a coffee :)
it's hot. so i haven't tasted
any yet.

i have discovered im probably
not the best driver
actually
i'm probably among the worst
i'm the kind of driver
that will drive
in the dark
without her headlights...
i forget to start the car before
i shift from park
i don't remember to lock the door
i go forward
when i want to go reverse
haha, all in all i don't really like
driving, when i'm not in the car
but when im in the seat
i like it...
so, i don't know
i'm going to have to get one of those
cars that will lock the doors automatically for me
and that have the lights turn on and off by themselves
:)

i have to pack tonight to go to bma
i haven't started yet though
i'm trying to soak in the last bit of
after work time
that i can
before i need to go and do things :/

i'm talking to fishey
because i love her a lot
maybe more than you
maybe not
but i love her a lot
a lot
a lot
:D

content

today was not a good day
but i have decided not to complain about it
i figure i do enough of that already right :/

anyways, it rained today
and there was this glorious rainbow in the sky
not one of those forgetful rainbows
that you don't remember the next day
but this one, was just way
too remember able to forget :)

i tickled my little sister today
she laughed like a crazy little kid and

never mind i'm gonna drive my dad to wal mart
i'll be back!

lost

this is how i feel right now
very lost
like i don't really know what to do with myself
or with anyone else
i'm beginning to despise the things i love
and i'm turning into this huge
monstrous person of angst and
disgust

i keep hoping things will rearrange themselves
that they'll somehow just be okay

sigh
i need a good cry

i'm to stressed to cry

joy

a few nights ago
i discovered the wonderful joy
of flannel pillowcases.
i am a pillow cuddler
meaning, i like to cuddle with
my pillow
generally i sleep with two pillows
a very large body pillow
and a regular sized pillow
that's use is very much like a teddy bear
except large and without limbs and a head
also the fuzzy blue blanket pooper got me for
christmas, it's just so soft!
and uhm all other necessary sleeping materials
like... a mattress... and bed frame and whatnot
....
so the other night
i changed my pillowcase to a very
wonderful flannel one, and the difference was
remarkable.
it really was.
see, with your regular cases, the ones that are
all sheet like, they're hard and
not very comfortable
but the flannel one made my pillow
more comfy and soft
with that extra umph of cozy
i slept very nicely

i appreciate comfort very much
i love pajamas.
and pillows
(i have this very bad habbit of pillow
hugging
whenever visiting someone's couch with
throw pillows)
and blankets
being cozy is my hobby :)

sad

i went to church today
and i saw chrystal
and now i am sad
see, when i was back in like
6th grade, chrystal was a freshmen
and she like, mentored and befriended me
and now we're really close
i love her to pieces.
but she used to be like in the 200+ lb
area
and she's really small, she has a really small
frame
she's like katy ketterman small but shorter.
and so teensy tiny little person at 200+
well, it was an issue apparently and like
a year ago or a few months
she had this whole 'i'm gonna lose all this weight'
spiels. and i was like YEA! go for it!
and she did
but now she's 120 in less than a year
and i'm really nervous
she used to be really smart about what she ate
but now, whenever i see her
she's like, twiggy
which is weird.
and i don't know if i should be concerned or not
i don't know.....
i love my friends
but it's really hard when they're going
all crazy psycho on you
for like the past few years
i've been surrounded by eating
disorders.
it's hard not to let it effect you
and i'd like to think i'm smart enough to stay away
but what if i'm not?
it's really scary.
they used to say that 7 was the perfect size.
if you're a 7, you're good that's where you want to be
healthy and alive and all of that. stray past 7
and you're getting a little iffy. in front of 7 is pushing it.
but now, the perfect size is like.. 0-2. and 7 is equivalent to 18
so what do i do?
i'm a 7
i've been struggling with my weight
pretty much my whole life
i know what it feels like to be the 'big girl'
it's an awful feeling when everyone is borrowing
clothes
and you can't because you won't fit
i still have problems borrowing things in the dorm
because for so long i had this mentality that i just wouldn't fit
and i didn't feel like ripping a seem.
but then for a while i was okay
i got down to a manageable size
and was good
until a few months ago
and now all of these things are affecting my head
there's like this siren going off
screaming 'smaller smaller smaller'
and im not sure
if i'm going to be able to ignore if forever...
and i'm freaking out

but we're gonna go to the beach...
wonderful right?
yea, i'm probably going to be really lonely
chad and steevo have each other
and everyone else has everyone else
so it'll be me and my dad
which is pretty much how i've spent every saturday
at home for the past 6 years.

first day

so i walked into work this morning
at around 8:30
on time! (go me)
and was immediately immersed
in a land of diapers
and mini fist fights...
everyone was yelling
and it was very hard to relax with
lots of little kids under your supervision.
the good thing is
i only have five days of the long shifts
left
and then i get to downsize a little bit
with the 3 hour shifts
and those should be pretty easy
i can just take them outside after
they clean up from nap time

i am slightly disappointed with how my
fellow staff members treat the young ones
there's a lot of yelling of both parties
which i find a little unsettling...

another good thing about today
is that i get to go to sleep early
tonight, i'm super duper tired.
little kids wear you out man!
i had to chase one today
his name is jimmy
and he would be cute except for he's not...
:/

shift

i go to work
today for the first time
tomorrow for the second
who knows what today
will bring?
i don't....
and i'm kind of nervous
8:30-5:30...
wish me luck

inevitable

happy?
purposeless
searching
looking
finding
hiding
distressed
keeping
hoarding
disguising
frantic
running
straying
tripping
falling
hopeless
cutting
bleeding
forgetting
dying
lost

'i didn't know you felt guilt'

that's what he said to me
exact words.
i don't know why i bother with this
i can't tell you.
it's my mess
i should be able to adequately
handle cleaning it up
right?
right??
where are my reinforcements?
will he ever stop haunting me?
i said goodbye
all of it is done!
there was nothing good
nothing at all
about it
except
i didn't feel alone
it was nice having someone to talk to
someone to share things with
someone to care (even pretending was good enough)
but now it's all gone
and once again
i am by myself
and whenever i reach my lowest,
or highest for that matter
he swings right back around to
put me in my place.
he is a cause that
lost himself
and i'm still crying for him
i still feel responsible
i still feel like i should love him
and i don't
i feel like i'm running around in circles
it is also dark
i also happened to be chained to a block
blindfolded
maybe even hobbled...
i don't know why i put up with myself
goodness... after all this time
you would think i would know better

changed

ladies and gentlemen
i have an announcement
i have rearranged my room
which is a very big deal
seeing as how it's been
almost the exact same
for about 6 years.

it's an interesting idea to
think that we've lived here
almost that long.
we're catching up.
i think i can honestly say now
that i have lived
most of my life in new jersey

goodbye goodnight

so i need to get happy
anyone have any ideas?
i think, maybe when i can
get out of the house
i'll be okay
right now i'm cooped up
with all of these stupid thoughts
so i'm hoping if this job works out
everything will be good
and i can start relaxing
and enjoying myself

i think there's just something about summer
it seems for the past three years
summer has been something to dread
instead of something to look forward to
but then again
i'm not really a happy person to begin with
i need to work on that

i've been trying
to reform myself
to begin again
cast aside the old me
and welcome the new

tonight i ran .45 miles.
which may not seem like a very big
accomplishment, and so what
if it took me the same amount of time
it takes normal people to run a whole
mile... but to me
it's pretty much everything
i've been wanting to learn how to run
this is one of my summer projects
i have a few and i really want to work on this one.
i want to run a mile
i'm working up slowly.
friday i got .25
saturday i went hiking in the woods
and today i pushed up to .45
tomorrow i'm going to go for .5
and my plan is to increase by .1
every night until i can reach one mile
comfortably
i'm working inside right now so i can monitor my progress
yay machines... ?
yup. then i'm going to work on the outside aspect
of my neighborhood.
so that's what i'm thinking.
yay for physical fitness....

i have discovered

the joy of balloons
this is my beloved balloon duck
in his natural habitat... :)
this is just one of the wonderful
things you can find for a dollar
at random places...
i'm so excited... :D

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i feel very rejected today
like everything and anyone
and the whole of it
just seems to turn around when
forced to talk to me...

ick....

drowning my sorrows in a yummy delicious cake

yup
i told my mom i would bake her a cake
if she took me down to wawa and bought me some
ice cream so that i could make another milk shake...
so she made me drive
and so i just pulled a yellow cake out
of the oven
... i promised.
so, so far today has been pretty unproductive
i did my laundry
and i might have limes disease...
maybe
the chances are very low
but i found a tick on me
and i was traipsing through the woods yesterday
hmm...
but it was on my leg and that spot now itches... and so
i'm freaking out
but only on the slightest of levels...
tomorrow i'm turning in my application for the day care
i still need to go to the doctors
but hopefully everything will be okay
and i can start working
i don't think i'm going to be able to make it for camp meeting.. sadly
but my dad and brother are heading up on friday
so i'm going to see what i can do
and maybe i can chill out with danish
or something
and chya
excitement... :)

eaarogmeaoadjt

worthless : barren, base, cheap, cheesy, contemptible, despicable, frivolous, fruitless, fustian, futile, idle, impotent, incompetent, ineffective, ineffectual, insignificant, inutile, junky, lazy, low, meaningless, nugatory, paltry, pointless,
profligate, stramineous, trashy, trifling, trivial, unimportant, unproductive, unusable, useless, vain, valueless, wretched.

this is me

ice cream? anyone?

i miss you
i miss you a lot
they say women are confusing
and i guess it's true when they
can't even decipher their own thoughts
huh?
i can't decide, what's worse
being with you
or being without you

so today was pretty much crap.
okay so maybe not
i just feel awful
the day started out with
a horrendous conversation at
the s.s. via church this morning...
the three theologians decided to debate
about things that i have no knowledge or interest of
so the other unintelligible beings sitting at the table
quietly wrote notes to one another
and endured in silence.
so then afterwards my brother and i
had a discussion on the way home
and my mom listened and inputted..
and for some reason
it has become a reed family tradition to take
a nap
after church on saturdays. so we did. only for an hour
or at least chad and i. then we (chad and i again) over to the
bordentown bluffs
and i climbed a tree. very exciting.... not really that much of an
accomplishment i suppose seeing as how it was at like... an 20 degree angle from the ground.. ha
but STILL
then we headed over to mess's house and he made sassafrases tea with the roots that we found. and THEN we headed down to pete and jess's place
and ate, and chilled, and played a 'telephone/pictionary' game
actually quite entertaining.

so today should have been fun
and indeed it was
except for my crappy attitude (hooray)

i hate what i have become
it's like my worst night mare
come true

(actually, my worst nightmare involved an alligator and a college professor, so i guess it's like second worst)

thoughts

what happens if a baby is born in a house on a street in a town?
he grows up moves away
he lives and enjoys his life
but then returns in his old age to the city were he was born
only to find that it no longer stands
perhaps some business man sells the town to make a few dollars
or maybe whatever the town was thriving in stopped being productive
but whichever reason it was
this man now stands in the barren field of what once was his child hood
the beginnings of his legacy are destroyed
no one will see the street where he was born
he can have no pride or joy for the building that begat his life
he stands with a hat in his hands
maybe he has the wrong city
perhaps it exists but in another location
but no
he made sure that the directions were sound
is he crazy?
there are no pictures of his town
no one thought to capture it
no one thought it would one day disapear
what is he left with?
a memory?
where is it?
"where is it?" he cries
who will remember him
where is the older woman across the street who
remembers seeing him ride his bike up and down
running errands for his mother
the town is alive in his mind but it will die with him
forever forgotten with his death
he remembers
"i remember, here was the grocers and the corner store! i remember"
what if he is not skilled in the arts
what if he cannot draw or replicate the street he lived on?
it's as if it never was
he is tormented by the thought
"i am babylon"
stories will carry him on
children will create songs of his childhood escapades
artists will envision the street by his descriptions
writers will create stories about the stones of the foundations
there will be invented memories by the sympathizers
it is not real
none of it is real
he wishes to see one more time where it all began
where he started from
but he cannot see
he cannot go home
he must die with the knowledge that his memories
will not live on
no one can see the paint chipping from his kitchen wall
no one will feel the floor boards beneath their feet
he dies crumpled and wilted
a flower uprooted
he is incomplete

mmmmm milkshake

so tonight i was pretty not happy with myself... actually i'm still not... really at all turns out i'm an awful diet-er as you can see by this huge purple mug filled with yummy delicious chocolatey milkshakey goodness :). i was just chillin' on the couch and i got this HUGE craving for a chocolate milkshake and we didn't have any chocolate or ice cream so i asked my dad if he would take me down to wawa because it's like two miles away and he was like... okay. so he drove me down. i'm not allowed to drive after 11:01 and we went at like... 11:21 so yup. i came back made my milkshake and now i kind of feel really ridiculous seeing as how i was supposed to be staying away from the sugar and everything. which i will but tonight i'm indulging because i feel like crap and i want some flippin' chocolate. so goodbye crazy weight loss thoughts and hello comfort foods :) but only for tonight. tomorrow i'm gonna crack down. maybe. i think it'll be easier once i start working or something. i'll have something to do besides eat. and if this day care job works out i'll be running around with little kids all day right? right.
no... i'm pretty much trying to make excuses so that i dont have to feel bad about eating this... :(
besides... i make a pretty good chocolate milkshake. waaay better than a frosty... :)

the mummy's hand

yea... i dont really have a whole lot to say
so i think i might blog a little later...
or something

for peter

you are beautiful :)

a beautiful night

for some reading
and some incense...
not because i'm a druggie
i'm not
but because i like the smell
i can't figure out if burning is
a bad thing or not
most people would associate it with
pot smoking
but i don't know if that's one of
those things
that you just wait for people
to ask you about
or if that whole
avoid the appearance of evil
thing shines through
so i'm sort of stuck
i think i'm going to ask justin
because justin knows everything
that being said
goodnight!

nevermind

yaaaarg
my dad and i
just had this huge
unnecessary blow out
about books, of all things
and i'm tired
of all of these pointless arguments
he almost made me cry
he picked an fight with me
and then just shut down
and i didn't know how to react
i don't know why we're doing this
tensions are high
this is like.. the third fight we've had this week
the first one was because i'm worried about him
and he was all
'don't'
and i was upset
no duh
arg, he tried to convince me
that the family is worried about me
and not him.
i disagreed
but then it turned into this huge blow out
and i'm so sick of fighting
i think
i'm going to change into pajama's
and curl up on the couch with
my huge pillow
and watch flippin' musicals
for the rest of the day

i'm really frustrated
i gained 7 pounds...
since like april
that's a pound a week
so i'm trying to watch
what i eat
so i can go back down
i hate this

i'm surrounded by
this huge cloud
of unwant
and i'm really fed up
let's just skip a few years

and just so quickly
i am slipping right
back into this little
bubble of hate
that i've surrounded myself
with... AGAIN

stupid carly
stupid stupid carly

another new beginning

today
hopefully
i will be able to settle my differences with a certain young man
who i have hated for a really long time
he is the only one
who i have ever experienced so much loathe for
and i sent him a message today
i'm actually quite excited about the prospects
of becoming
friends with him again
because in all actuality
i miss him something fierce.

if i am supposed to love
i should probably rid myself of all of this hate
so, kudos to me
i'm on my way
: )

YARG

i've made her upset
again
'did you get that email i sent you?'
'uh if it was a forward i didn't read it... i don't really like reading those'
'why not? i cleaned this one up for you'
'i'm sorry... uh i didn't read it though...'
'but it was so cute, i sent it especially to you for you'
'i'm sorry, maybe i still have it, but i don't really like reading forwards...'

and so.. now she is upset at me
because i don't read her emails
sigh......
one crazy guilt trip after the other
what's a girl to do?

anywho.... i took a nap today
so i'm not really sure when or if i'm going to go to sleep tonight

and all i can do is think about you
i've got all the time in the world

not really

tomorrow i'm going to see if i can sell some books to a used book store
i was hoping that they would give me a decent price...
yup

it starts

when you have to rely on spell check for those crazy words like... officially...
anywho... i'm not really okay ... right now
for some reason my mind likes to play these tricks on me
last night i had pretty much the worst dream
i can't even remember what happened
but i know that i've had the same feeling ever since
that horrible guilty feeling
but guilt for me... is more than a feeling
it's like until i fix what evers bothering me
i'm going to feel like i'm collapsing from the inside
i can't eat
or think
or laugh
correctly
i can't be me
when i have this thing
living inside me
this awful creature
whose sole purpose is to make me miserable
but i can't even cry
to let it out
i can't scream or yell
i can't do anything
because everything just makes it worse
i don't know what i'm doing
i can't play these games
that stupid dream screwed everything up
pretty much the theme was
i ruined someones life
i won't mention names 'cause that would be
sort of on the wrong side of the spectrum
but i killed his joy
his spirit
which is sort of ironic really
because the person actually has
to care about you to be hurt by you
and maybe he did
but he had a very funny way of showing it
and this whole dream
was running on the idea
that i ruined his being
which is an awful feeling
kinda like the one i have now
and i can't fix it
and so i'm stuck with this frog in my throat
indefinitely
i want to cry

i want to cry so bad
i want to curl up into a little ball with my hands
around my head
pretending that i'm loved

a new beginning

today....
:)
i've been reborn
into a land of magical paint splatter fabric
i have this upcoming project that should take up at least a day or two of this oh so fabulous summer... :)
and i'm indubitably excited about the prospects of yet another creation
because when it comes down to it..
this is what i'm good at

i don't mind

if this is what you're claiming
i don't mind at all
but what you need to know
is that i am not willing to be your accomplice
you go ahead
you do what you want to do
but i'm not coming with you
don't do that
don't ask me
i'm not going to tell you what you did wrong
i'm not going to hold your hand
and play like everythings fine
this sick game you're playing
i don't want to be a part of it
stop trying to involve me in it
i'm not feeding your excuses.
i'm not going to give you hints as to what you can do
to make it seem like you're healing
what i see and what you think
aren't the same
you got us here
this is your fault
and now that you see that you've endangered more than yourself
you're trying to fix it
which is a noble cause but
i'm not going to spoon feed all of the answers to you
so what do you need to do to make it seem okay
well... if you need to pretend
something's wrong
if you need to prove it
it's not okay
i'm not willing to be a pawn in your charade
i give up
you're on your own
you want to be okay
fine... be okay
but don't ask me to help you lie to me

just put a little music to it

once again love has come with promises and dreamers too bad but i'll fight tooth and nail for the cream of the crop i gave you my heart and you gave me a nickel supply and demand 'you'll just take what you get'

and i'm not listening

there's this thought in my head can you guess what it is we've been dancing around it for dozens of days and you've gone away to the bakers to ask just pray it's not friday and we'll be okay

with a boat that won't start with the sea as my witness i'll stand and deliver a faulty ignition for a starter or two. and i know dear that you've heard a good joke once or twice but i'd pay the ferryman to take me to the side of my life. you're just an island and i'm just a pirate if x marks then it's all i got. bring the paddle to use as a shovel to bury your secrets and discover another.

occasionally

i find the best things in life
occur at 2 in the morning...
such as tonight
i am unable to fall asleep
although
i suppose
i would very quickly if i tried to
BUT
see the thing is
i really do not want to
so..... placebo no?
tonight
i made my dad watch la vita e bella with me
i thought it might do him some good
and of course tomorrow he is going to write me an essay
because he's a teacher
and i asked him to
and since he has nothing better to do with his time
... why not? right?
of course right.
tonight... well
yesterday, i guess
i cleaned up my musical library
seeing as how i dont really like the
vulgarity of things
i figured i might as well not listen to them
right?
so i deleted all of the songs that i fount
even slightly atrocious
which means farewell to some of the national
and damien rice.
actually it made me kind of sad
i love the national.
so much
Matt Berninger's voice is amazing
well... not really but it's soothing
he has this way of making my defenses just
drop!
and i'm left listening to this
wonderful melodic noise that i just can't
seem to get out of my head
and it's crazy
but sadly
he has the tendency to say some not very nice things
so i kept the kosher songs
and got rid of the icky ones...
it was still an experience...
at this very moment
i am going to put up some pictures on my wall
and in the next moment i'm going to decide not to
and wait until tomorrow
when i can see straight... :)
yup

today is the day

i got my permit

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.........................aaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaa oh my goodness it's a squirrel what do i do?
what do i do?
he's in the road
he's in the ROAD dad what do i do?
what do i do?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

yup......


that though... is not the squirrel
or my picture
but it is kind of cute though isn't it?

i am lost

in my mind
i'm trying to find things to do
to change my perspectives maybe
anyways
i have a surprise for fish
and i can't tell you
because she might read it
but it's very cool
i hope she likes it...

i have written two letters today
and i will send them
eventually

i wrote
on a boat
near a moat
while afloat
and a dote
of a goat
tried to gloat

farewell

reasons

i just switched the language of my blog
to french
a very interesting experience
i've decided that i do want to go to france
whenever i can
sometime in the future
right now i'm awake
but i shouldn't be

i have but one thing to say

i love you to pieces

today

is my birthday....
i suppose i should be happy and joyous.. correct?
instead
i feel dread
"i don't wanna grow up i'm a toys r us kid"
except i do want to be old
just not in age
i want to be old in knowledge
in experience
but not in age
i want my mind to grow old
but not my heart

it's like this secret mission between myself and i

strange fruit

Southern trees bear a strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
Black bodies swinging in the Southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant South,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh!

Here is a fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter crop.


~billy holiday

easier

after everything happened
it became just that
easier to say no
easier to walk away
easier to go back to sleep instead of waking up
and then i'm faced to face all of the things that i'm trying to run away from
and it becomes harder
to not want to talk to you

why must all decisions be followed by debates
why must i need to decide whether or not i actually want this?

i want to know
but i don't want to be involved.
i want to listen
but i don't to hear
and i don't want you to either
i don't want to tell you that i miss you terribly
i don't want to tell you that i can't sleep at night because of how we left
i don't want to tell you that every time i see you my heart leaps into my throat again just like when we first met
i don't want to have you know me anymore

but that's why we failed in the first place.
you said tell me
and i said no
but then became mad
for you not understanding
the problem is not with you
it never was
but
i don't want to know
that i'm the one who screwed up
because it's so much easier to blame you
it's so much easier
to run away
i don't want you to know
that i'm a coward
i don't want you to know
that i'm weak
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i want you to know