it starts

when you have to rely on spell check for those crazy words like... officially...
anywho... i'm not really okay ... right now
for some reason my mind likes to play these tricks on me
last night i had pretty much the worst dream
i can't even remember what happened
but i know that i've had the same feeling ever since
that horrible guilty feeling
but guilt for me... is more than a feeling
it's like until i fix what evers bothering me
i'm going to feel like i'm collapsing from the inside
i can't eat
or think
or laugh
correctly
i can't be me
when i have this thing
living inside me
this awful creature
whose sole purpose is to make me miserable
but i can't even cry
to let it out
i can't scream or yell
i can't do anything
because everything just makes it worse
i don't know what i'm doing
i can't play these games
that stupid dream screwed everything up
pretty much the theme was
i ruined someones life
i won't mention names 'cause that would be
sort of on the wrong side of the spectrum
but i killed his joy
his spirit
which is sort of ironic really
because the person actually has
to care about you to be hurt by you
and maybe he did
but he had a very funny way of showing it
and this whole dream
was running on the idea
that i ruined his being
which is an awful feeling
kinda like the one i have now
and i can't fix it
and so i'm stuck with this frog in my throat
indefinitely
i want to cry

i want to cry so bad
i want to curl up into a little ball with my hands
around my head
pretending that i'm loved