depressed

yesterday... or i guess two days ago
was the one year mark
or it would've been anyways
well, last night i had my pillow
(THE pillow, the one he made)
and i couldn't sleep
because it was on my bed
in march, when we broke up
i was like, oh whatever it's mine
it doesn't matter
and by that time
i couldn't sleep without it
you know how when you're little
and you sleep with a teddy bear
it takes a while before you can sleep
without one
well it was one of those kinds of deals
but last night
it was making me so anxious
and irritated
i couldn't sleep
i was freaking out
because it was there
i was really close
to having a mental breakdown
so i threw it on the floor
and i couldn't sleep for like
a good hour or so afterwards
i'm so exhausted by all of this madness

today i spent like three hours making these
little stringy things
i like them a lot
i think i'm going to make one for niko's birthday
when i send him his present
i have this whole surprise planned
he knows i'm sending him something
but see, my plan is to find a whole bunch of neat little things
and combine them
i'm going to write him a letter every day until i send it
like, an update on the progress and whatnot while i'm trying to
put together his gift :)
i'm really excited about the whole thing
so far, i have day one
and gift one!
it's those little sponge dinosaurs in the
pill cap sols that expand when you put
them in warm water :)
they're so cool! i think he'll get a kick out of them haha
and so, i think i'm going to make him one of these stringy things
and make that the gift for day two!
i really hope he likes it...
i think i'm going to get a box and
decorate it
i'll probably include cookies or something
... if i plastic bag them
they won't get nasty will they?
well... i won't make them until day of i guess
i'm so excited :)
i really want to make his birthday special!
even though... he's like, in a different country and
all that...
and this is what's keeping me sane at the moment
but you can't tell him
because that would spoil the surprise, silly