sad

i went to church today
and i saw chrystal
and now i am sad
see, when i was back in like
6th grade, chrystal was a freshmen
and she like, mentored and befriended me
and now we're really close
i love her to pieces.
but she used to be like in the 200+ lb
area
and she's really small, she has a really small
frame
she's like katy ketterman small but shorter.
and so teensy tiny little person at 200+
well, it was an issue apparently and like
a year ago or a few months
she had this whole 'i'm gonna lose all this weight'
spiels. and i was like YEA! go for it!
and she did
but now she's 120 in less than a year
and i'm really nervous
she used to be really smart about what she ate
but now, whenever i see her
she's like, twiggy
which is weird.
and i don't know if i should be concerned or not
i don't know.....
i love my friends
but it's really hard when they're going
all crazy psycho on you
for like the past few years
i've been surrounded by eating
disorders.
it's hard not to let it effect you
and i'd like to think i'm smart enough to stay away
but what if i'm not?
it's really scary.
they used to say that 7 was the perfect size.
if you're a 7, you're good that's where you want to be
healthy and alive and all of that. stray past 7
and you're getting a little iffy. in front of 7 is pushing it.
but now, the perfect size is like.. 0-2. and 7 is equivalent to 18
so what do i do?
i'm a 7
i've been struggling with my weight
pretty much my whole life
i know what it feels like to be the 'big girl'
it's an awful feeling when everyone is borrowing
clothes
and you can't because you won't fit
i still have problems borrowing things in the dorm
because for so long i had this mentality that i just wouldn't fit
and i didn't feel like ripping a seem.
but then for a while i was okay
i got down to a manageable size
and was good
until a few months ago
and now all of these things are affecting my head
there's like this siren going off
screaming 'smaller smaller smaller'
and im not sure
if i'm going to be able to ignore if forever...
and i'm freaking out

but we're gonna go to the beach...
wonderful right?
yea, i'm probably going to be really lonely
chad and steevo have each other
and everyone else has everyone else
so it'll be me and my dad
which is pretty much how i've spent every saturday
at home for the past 6 years.