easier

after everything happened
it became just that
easier to say no
easier to walk away
easier to go back to sleep instead of waking up
and then i'm faced to face all of the things that i'm trying to run away from
and it becomes harder
to not want to talk to you

why must all decisions be followed by debates
why must i need to decide whether or not i actually want this?

i want to know
but i don't want to be involved.
i want to listen
but i don't to hear
and i don't want you to either
i don't want to tell you that i miss you terribly
i don't want to tell you that i can't sleep at night because of how we left
i don't want to tell you that every time i see you my heart leaps into my throat again just like when we first met
i don't want to have you know me anymore

but that's why we failed in the first place.
you said tell me
and i said no
but then became mad
for you not understanding
the problem is not with you
it never was
but
i don't want to know
that i'm the one who screwed up
because it's so much easier to blame you
it's so much easier
to run away
i don't want you to know
that i'm a coward
i don't want you to know
that i'm weak
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i want you to know