wasted.

tonight we had youth group.
and afterwards i decided to drive home because
i figured that driving on the highway at night
would be a little easier than doing it in daylight
seeing as how, at night, you can see lights
and during the day, there are more cars, whose lights
you cannot see. so i told my dad, i was like, hey
i wanna drive home. and he was like, sure whatever.
but before we left i was in a pretty good mood
i was singing along with the radio and i was making small talk
and he was being completely unresponsive the whole time
which you know, sort of put a damper on things.
and he would get frustrated with me when i was trying to drive.
but of course i had no idea how to get home. seeing as how i had
never done it before
and he was getting mad at me
he even responded to my small talk with things like, is it necessary
and such. and i don't get it. it definitely killed my good mood. and
i'm very sad right now.
around 3/4 of the way home. i got this overwhelming feeling
of extreme sadness. it came out of no where. and it hasn't left yet
i keep feeling like i'm going to just burst into tears
and it's awful.
i think this is probably the most upset i've been all summer.
i don't know. i'm fairly certain i could make
a whole bunch of excuses.
i think i'm done with excuses.
someone asked me tonight
what i did with my spare time.
i couldn't answer them
it's almost like i've finally come to terms with the fact
that i'm barely half of anything.
my personality is stolen
my thoughts are borrowed
and everything else
is like everything else
there is not one ounce of uniqueness in me
and i haven't done anything to change it.
and sure i can find the faults in everyone else
and it's just a s midge harder to find them in myself
but i haven't done anything to correct them
at all
and i'm not okay
i'm not okay with any of it
i wish to be honest and
sincere
and original
and beautiful
and smart
but i am none of it
as of right now
i am a little girl
sitting on her bed
crying her eyes out
because her own father
doesn't wish to talk to her
and i'm not
okay.