spent

for the past 5 hours
i have been painstakingly drawing
a cute little gypsy lady...
my hand hurts now
but, she looks okay

i think it's interesting that
after that ... first semester in art class
i can't look at things without noticing
the shading or
if i had a pencil, this is how i would do it
or, if i had a pen... i would put that there..
it's really crazy, but i love it
i do.
and the gypsies do too :)

maybe i'll post some of the work later, but
it never looks the same on the computer

taking the plunge

after many days of endless "thinking about it"
i have finally followed through with it...
i have started the pointillism method...

and i am happy.
i started out with
an eye

after all it seemed fitting...
and so now i am working on the face.
and we'll see if
i have found my niche...

there's nothing i can do...

i feel like i should be atoning for my sins
i enjoyed my day
but there are people dying...
i love my family
but there are those who have no family to love
i enjoy food
but there are those who can't eat
i feel like i am somehow in the wrong
for not being able to help them.
i have no way of helping them
and in my inability
we both suffer.

hope

i kind of want a relationship like theirs...

the medicine

one of the things i hate about being home,
is that my parents seem to think that it is a good
idea to fit everyone into little stereotypes
and when you get to my house... you will hear little phrases like
she did that because, or
did you do that because
but they want you to say those things... to them.
and it's really annoying, it pisses me off, my family
all of them say these little phrases
that clearly show they want you to tell them about themselves
or spout of some technical mumbo jumbo
or they want to feel intelligent by letting you know
that they know why someone did something.. and
it aggrivates me, because when i talk.
obviously i'm doing the same thing
and i need them to tell me about myself.
except the kicker is.
i don't. i don't want them to.
and when i tell hem not to
obviously that is a hardcore guarantee
i really do want them to say things.

so my dad and got into a fight the other night.
it's... so strange
i've been enjoying myself at home... for the most part...
a week ago, on tuesday... tuesday was a very good day for me
i've been a mix between apathetic and... fluttery
ever since. it's not a huge improvement. but there
has still been a change.
well that change turned.
my dad took chad and i out to go see if we could find
chad a leather jacket. so we were in the car on the way back
and for some reason, my father thinks that he needs
to shower me with praises. tell me how good of a person he
thinks i am. and every time he does
i just want him to stop.
it's so frivolous
and honestly, it's not me at all. he doesn't know anything about me
and when i tell him i don't want him to say anything
he gets all offended.
so i have stopped talking
but then he wants a response. and i don't want to give him one
by the time he says all that he feels is necessary
i'm in a very pissed off mood.
very grouchy... and agitated

my dad ended his whole little spiel about me
and i was mad at him... so i didn't say anything
so he started yelling at me.
he's convinced that i have confrontation issues
and i do.
except the thing is
i already asked him to stop
but he started provoking me.
i couldn't go anywhere
i just wanted to leave
dad, stop. i don't want to talk about this
dad, no i'm serious. i don't want to talk
dad. i don't want to talk to you.
and he wouldn't stop yelling at me.
he trapped me, in the car
and was yelling, telling me that it
doesn't matter if i don't want to talk
because he needs to help me.
and i was sitting there.
almost having a panic attack
because he's not letting me
stop talking to him.
and all i want to do is run away.
i never said anything about needing to fix
anything. and so he's going to provoke me
and make sure that i have the reaction that
he thinks i will have
as long as he manipulates the situation.
and won't stop until i do. so that
he can tell me
that i need help.
and it's like this huge bubble
has been blown around me
and inside is full of this sticky
nasty looking panic
and all i want to do is get it off of me
and i want to get as small as i can,
so that it all goes away
and when i open my mouth
to tell it to stop
the bubble gets larger
and there's more anxiety
and it's this horrible
feeling of
helplessness...

a spoonfull of sugar

myspace vs. facebook

it's so weird to see all of these people
who were born in '93
.... sigh...
well
i have recently joined the land of facebook :)
having been a myspace-er for a year or two now..
and obviously with my 19 hours of experience with facebook
i am quite qualified to make a comparison haha.

the one thing i really liked about facebook
is that it's really easy to talk with people.
with that little IM thing at the bottom.
as far as i know, myspace doesn't do that.

but other than that.
they're pretty much the same...

disheartened

my memories seem to fade
and for some reason
the you, you are now
doesn't seem like the you
that you should be
and i want you to change... or to become
again, something real,
something i remember
but i'm too scared to ask you
and if i did ask you
i'd be too afraid that you
would say no
because this new you
doesn't care, like the old you
would have.

the first draw-off

my brother and i, decided that we should have a draw off today. to see how different our pictures would turn out. we both have completely different techniques... and so, at like 1:30 ish we started... and just finished about 20 minutes ago..
so, it was definitely an experience... anywho. to see the finished product, you'll just have to come over... uhm. this is the picture that we drew though... :)

the aftermath

of a good day
surprisingly,
is still a good day... :)

and sweetbreads is now, one of my
ultimate favorite songs... :)

homeleave

my brother called me yesterday
and sadly informed me that he won't be picking me up
for homeleave...
grandma wants him to go up to hacketstown and get some
presents that she sent down with grandpa...
so, i have to go home with my mother.
and my dad said he was thinking about coming
which means, he will... or he'll make some
excuse not to come and sit at home and sell things
on ebay.
i don't even really want them to come up
i know that i'm not going to have any form of civil conversation with
either of them
i don't have anything to say

there isn't any nice left in me... at all
not enough for small talk
or, bma gossip...
and i'm dreading it.

i've said it before.

but i think i'm going to cancel my blog.
these aren't my private thoughts anymore.
they are not free from scrutiny
by individuals.
they aren't hidden, like i want them to be..
so i think i'm canceling it.

probably just because i'm really pissed off
right now... and probably will be for the rest of today
and, i don't need to deal with this right now.

aww moment

tonight i watched the nightmare before christmas for the first time with some of my most favorite people. i like the end, of the very last song. im considering trying to sing it for my recital... haha.

i think, that christmas vacation is coming at a very good time. i really just want to get away. perhaps not at home. but. a breath of fresh air may be good for me. my father and i have sort of entered a cold war. and i no longer want to reside at my... residence. nor do i want to take the act tomorrow. or go on tour.... however it seems that christmas is going to be very unenjoyable this year. what with the abscence of my brother, and the lack of christmas cheer. then new years with unwanted guest. ah, but yes, this is the dawn of the new day. i should be happy that these new opportunities are being arisen.

messiah weekend

well, it's here...
today my companions and i are going to be subjected
to hours of practice, gallons of tea, and ... a crowd of parents.
their parents that is...
not mine.

i didn't mean it, i'm sorry

i was about to say that wallow is a palindrome.
but unfortunately i am mistaken.

i just sneezed like 10 times in a row.
normally, this would be making me laugh
but, i am afraid to report that i am a bit
or... i guess i should say, a lot under
the weather.
maybe it's just that time of year again
but, i've been congested all day today
with a horribly present head ache.
that did NOT go away with tylenol...
i think it did knock out the fever.
which was 98.9 after i took it..

i wish that i could use that as my
excuse for being a jerk this
weekend. but honestly. i don't think it
does. poor nikki. i've been beating her up
and making it seem like it's her fault.
i am so disgusted with myself right now.
the only reason i get mad at her is
because she has what i don't.
and i can't. and i'm jealous.
so i find things to nit pick her for.
and i'm so sorry.
i don't deserve my friends.

we had the sa christmas party last night
and all i could do was criricize everything
and walk around like i hated life.
i hate this person i'm becoming.
it's not me.

i keep waiting for the reasoning to pop
out and hit me on the forehead.
THIS is why you've been acting this way
THIS is why
THIS is why
but i haven't found any of them yet.

i just want it to stop.
i want all of the people i love to
wake up
and realize that they don't want me in
their lives.
i want my dad to wake up, and be happy
again.
and i want to go to sleep
i want to sleep
then i wouldn't have to walk around
with an aura of disgust
and i wouldn't have to stare at this
disgustingly bulbous body every morning in the
mirror,
and i wouldn't have to think about everything
so hard.
and i wouldn't have to pretend like
everythings okay.
even though everyone knows that it's not.
and i wouldn't have to feel like no one cares anymore

and i think... i'm most excited about not waking up.
and it scares me how serious i really am about it
i don't want to wake up.
ever.

this summer, was one of the worst
i didn't do anything.
because i'm not good at anything.
everything i do, is pathetic, and awful and WRONG
it's like the slightly less powerful midas touch.
i feel like a plague
that's destroying everything good and joyous.
and i just want it to end.
the only thing i'm good at
is crying
and stealing the nase's tissues and advil.

i heard someone say a few days ago,
in a childrens story in church
that if you pray, god will take care of
all of your problems.
well... maybe i'm doing it wrong.

another epiphany...

i was looking for this verse in my bible, and when i found it. i jumped a little bit. off of the cream pages, it was enfolded in the unmistakable highlighter yellow. immediately, i was met with flashbacks. to a time when my bible was new and needing color. to a time when i was under the impression that if you read the verse over and over, your life would change for... the better? this verse was supposed to be encouraging. so i marked it. in the hopes that it would be. and yet, i still haven't followed through with what it instructs me to be. and i question.
why. because this wasn't written for me. it's not for me. so i don't feel the need to apply it. because my name isn't written in sparkly pink letters with an arrow to 10. and i wonder what will make me snap back into a belief that will be meaningful to me when the yellow is actually ... good.

my numbers are jumbled...

sigh
i'm back at the
B
M
A
and, it was really cold last night
not even mildly, or
bearable
but really
and unfortunately...
so, it took a little while getting to sleep
but, i did.. eventually

i don't know what to do now.
nikki gave me an over thousand
page book to read.
maybe i should go and start that soon....

(is it bad that i don't
enjoy christmas songs?)

mphghghghgmmmmhhhmmmhhmmhmhmh

right now, im feeling a little bit more on the depressed side of things.
i know i shouldn't
and i know that it's more than ridiculous
i don't know...
i don't think that i deserve to be here
to be friends with these people
they're so ... beautiful
inside and out
SO beautiful...
and i know i should feel
excited and blessed
that i know such wonderful people
and i do.
a girl couldn't ask for better friends.
but at the same time
i feel a little inadaquate..
...mkay so a lot but
i don't know
maybe i just need to cry it out.
happy thanksgiving.

it's probably a good time

to admit that
i am not gifted
and should probably
stop pretending
that i am...

before coming home

they couldn't care less about
who you are or what you do,
you reinvent yourself way too
much for them to pay attention anymore.

as an onlooker, it's different
to see someone create a desired
relationship out of nothing.

and more importantly, there is a leaf above
the fountain
it's the secret of the garden
the unevitable security
of a calm pool of water
the fearless demise of a ruptured serenity

(but not in a good way)
in the way that screams
in the way that drips of agony
the way that says,
i will never get over you

what time is handshake
editor of yearbook
does she look good in orange
socks
does she believe in miracles
yes ducks can fly
peach crayons

something's wrong

moderate

right now, i have
an incredible craving
for lo mein
vegetable of course

haha, so in order to curb this
i tried to see if soy sauce
and spaghetti would taste
around the same :)

wellllll honestly
it wasn't that bad
but, it wasn't that great either.
so we can cross that off the list of things
to try.
next up is that ... other one.

i finished essay number two
of the four
for this quarter
that means that i am half done
essay number one is about the yellow wallpaper
honestly, i really love that story.
it's one of my favorites
essay number two is about Salome
the play by Oscar Wilde.
creepy.
essay number three is about the taming of the shrew
i still can't believe how vulgar shakespeare is
no one ever tells you that part.
essay number four is about jane eyre
ugh.
most boring story ever.
actually, i think that i would have liked the book better if i hadn't already known about the story... that just made the whole thing draaaaaag

in other news.
my computer is breaking.
the one that i got from gabby
ugh, do i really not have luck with
these things?
my p button doesnt work... :(

between two rocks

i've been very dissapointed today

sometimes, i wish that i had the ability to NOT feel the urge to release all moisture via my face. i wish that i was someone else that i could laugh at, and tell them how ridiculously pathetic and disgusting the feelings are.

currently, i'm still looking for a body pillow. there's a story behind that. back in the day when i was a larger idiot than i am now. i was in a relationship that was unnecessary and decietful. while that was on the fast track to no where, the person whose attention's i desired, made me a body pillow. a very fluffy pillow of my dreams body pillow. however, when the tracks ran out, and the relationship ran head first into a brick wall, i was no longer able to use the pillow, because the disgust i felt for the person was so great, it stressed me out, and the pillow was no longer performing the task it was designed for. so i ripped it apart, and have not been able to sleep well since. well... i wasn't able to sleep well before that either.
but i still really would like to get a body pillow.
or maybe just a giant teddybear...
or maybe just prince charming...
nevermind. i just want to sleep well... :(

epiphany

i had a dream last night
that i started smoking
...
i'm not really sure where it came from
haha, but, i liked it

is that just the dream talking?
or if i start smoking, i'll enjoy it

maybe i can channel my stress into
that like the rest of america...

i'll be 18 in a few months
there we go, problem solved...

so will i turn out like charlotte church
where i end up not being able to sing at all?
or will i go like the amy winehouse sort
where i am praised for my scratchy voice...
i guess there's only one way to find out.

working

i decided that for christmas
i'm only going to do presents for to people.
at least, i'm only going to plan for two people.
the one persons present has already been finished
and is just waiting to be shipped out
and the second person
is my little sister
and i'm finishing it up
today :)

i decided that i'm going to give her a t-shirt
and i'm going to make her her first cd.
:)

ready for track listings?

1. brownies - jacob kondrath
2. stinky hippie - five iron frenzy
3. the long island sound - beirut
4. mushboom - feist
5. postcards from taly - beirut
6. overboard - ingrid michaelson
7. everythign will be alright - the killers
8. dub latina - calexico
9. season poem - gregory and the hawk
10. beautiful love - the afters
11. friend is a four letter word - cake
12. hey there delilah - the plain white t's
13. the scientist - coldplay
14. yellow - coldplay
15. dragosta din tei - o-zone

:)
it's on a pink cd.
and it's writing right now
i'm kind of excited
this will have been the first year
that i've actually planned for her

i think she'll like it...

i'm going to go make the book for it now... :)
polka dots...
:D

for being home

:( i thought i would be at least a little happier
than i am right now...
i was counting on it
but right now...
i'm not
and i want to be
drastically.

so... good things about tonight
1. there were six frogs in my room when i got home
2. my dad indulged in my rubik's cube dream and got me a little mini one
3. i drove
4. i get to sleep in tomorrow...

attention all of you sentimental jerks

this is post 143...
for those of you coughnikkicough
who know how that is important..
i state this fact

there is snow today
and a part of me wishes that i was
able enough to go and enjoy it
to go and romp around and laugh
my head off.

but then the other part of me realizes that i don't
like being cold
or wet
and i only have to deal with snow for another day
because i'm going home tomorrow
and

fie on you monstrous challenger!
the audacity of self fighting self
is unacceptable here.
ugh.

in other news.
i just found out that i was accepted
to a college that i would really like to
attend.
however, i have no way of paying for this...
or actually getting there.
i don't even know if i will like it once i do get there
and i think i should probably
just go to community college
and get my associates...
i think i've finally figured out what i want
to do with my life.
but i'm hesitant to tell people
because every other time i've
set myself on a goal
and i tell people
they start telling me the negatives
and i don't want to hear them
i think i could really enjoy
this one.
especially because i spend most of my time doing it anyway.
it's something i can be good at.
and happy with.

chad was also thinking that for this summer
i could go and take lessons
and become a child swim instructor
while i pay my way through college..
it's a nice idea.
but i don't think i would like that very much.
i think i would like to work at a diner or something.
become a waitress.
i'll be 18
and it seems like an acceptable occupation.
i think i would enjoy it.
:) perhaps i'll contact my diner.

a day in the life....

sunday night, i usually end up tossing and turning
trying to go to sleep,
finally i do.. and for a while it is good
but too quickly the alarm rings at 6
and i have to get started...
my 10-15 minute shower, followed by usually 15 minutes of
getting ready for DAY.
around 6:30
i head to pookie's room and wait another 5-7 minutes for her
to get ready.
then we head to breakfast...
where we look for lucky tray's and
try to finish our food by 6:50
so that we can go to choir.
every
minute
of choir
drags.
i look at
the clock every minute.
i don't sit in the back where it's safe to read a book
or study note cards anymore.
i sit in the front, where i can't see anything
and i feel suffocated...
i sing in the front where my voice doesn't come out.
instead, it blends with all of the people behind me
drowning me.
i sit,
and stare
at the clock
for every single one
of the 60 minutes of choir
until i can leave.
sometimes i stay and ask pooper to play for me
before i head over to the computer lab and
check my email.. or write a blog... (like today)
then i head to work
usually at around 8:30
clock in at the business office... and then
head towards the k-room
usually, there isn't anything for me to grade on monday's
so i sit. in the green chair
in the corner
and wait for two and a half hours
for the rest of my day to start.
i sit. and watch every minute leave
before i can.
one hundred and fifty minutes
i watch them.
after work, i scurry over to the voice lesson
with mr. flores (on monday's)
where he always tells me that i need to practice
and open my mouth when i sing.
every monday he tells me this.
after voice lessons, i have 45 minutes to wander around, maybe finish
some assignment due for some class
that i would rather not be taking. or i wander over to the lobby
and sit
and wait for
forty five minutes
to leave.
somewhere in that lovely little escape, i will find danika
and we will find pookie
and we will find lunch.
which takes up a good portion of the twelve hour. but then i have
an hour or so to wait until fourth period starts
usually,
i take a nap.
i go back to my room
and wait for my hour to leave.
i toss and turn waiting for sleep
before it finally comes
and the alarm rings.
taking it all away, and more. before
i head over to class
groggy, and incompetent.
where i end up taking a quiz for something
i didn't read.
and fail...
then i wait for the next 50 minutes
of that class... to be over
i watch 50 minutes leave.
i don't have a class 5th period.
usually, i sit with gabby in the computer lab
while she does her notes
and i wait for 75 minutes to leave.
i wait... and watch each minute leave.
6th period we have AP english
a class that i do not enjoy.
i spend too much time in that room.
all morning
and a class every day.
ap english is accompanied by 75 minutes, i watch leave...
i watch the clock, until i can go to supper.
when the bell rings.
i do.
i go to supper, where i do not eat the food.
instead cereal and water
because i need to shed a few.
not want. need.
after supper i head to my room.
gabby and i will spend time together.
usually she has notes.
so i will waste 60 minutes
sitting in my room.
waiting for them to leave.
after they do. i wait ten more minutes
before heading down to dorm worship.
where someone will think about marking me late
and i will wait for another 20 minutes to leave.
the rest of the night is spent in my room.
waiting until i feel it is okay for me to go to sleep
and then, around ten o clock
after i have waited all day to enjoy this.
i toss and turn.
and find no joy
in falling and remaining asleep.
normally, i don't.
i wake up two or three times in the night
waiting for it to refresh me
waiting for the rest
to replenish me.
but it doesn't
and so i wake up
tired, and unprepared
to face waiting for my life to end.
i spend 745 minutes out of 1440 minutes of the day
waiting.
i live. for about an hour.
every a day.
i truly live. for about AN HOUR.

i find no joy here.
there is no reason why
i am being kept.
i have no energy for classes
and if i did, i would not desire to take them.
i am tired of living
here, home
i am tired.
my deepest darkest desire (alliteration)
right now.
is to REST
not sleep
i want to rest
and i don't want to wake up.
i'm tired of watching my minutes die.
i am tired of having no passion
i am tired of the bitter moods
i find myself residing in.
i am tired of being unable to smile

i want to rest.
and i don't want to wake up.

so, today was gabby's birthday,
hopefully i will be able to ambush her later
and have a little mini photoshoot
for her 18th

sadly, i am a little bummed that i didn't get
to sing for the andrews people...
and they didn't get to critique me
but, i think i'll get over it

well, off to galavanting over the
book that everyone likes....

burden

summarizing my entire existence right now... into one word
"burden" is what it would be.
the feeling is getting stronger and stronger
and i'm sorry that i can't become someone else
i'm sorry that
my attitude and character have become offensive
i am never what i want me to be
and i am never what you want me to be
but right now, this is WHO i am
i would give anything to change it
but it's not as easy as you think
it should be
so go philosophize
and work around your little theories of
why i'm not doing what you think
i should.
go ahead.
i'm sorry i'm hurting you
"the killers are calling on me"
i'm not sure right now, that you're feelings
are my biggest concern
i know I KNOW how awful it sounds
but for goodness sakes don't tell me
i don't need you to tell me what
an awful person i am
i promise you
i am WELL AWARE

and i would really like it, if
everyone would just
leave me alone
please...
because even though you're trying
to help
you're making it worse
so get the hell out of my shoes
and stop pretending that
if you were me
you would fix it.

yo-ugly

i went running with nikki tonight
because, i think i should be starting to get a little more active...
and because i really would like to shed a few.
since summer, i've been steadily putting on weight.
and everything that i try isn't working.
and my clothes are fitting more awkward now, and
i feel fat in them.
all of them
there's nothing that i can or want to wear anymore
everything makes me feel like a bloated buffalo
and i really hate it
so i decided that i am going to
1. stay away from sweet thing (especially at night)
2. eat breakfast
3. and of course eat smaller portions
it seems like a good plan right?
well i really want to go running at least 3 times a week, i know i'm not disciplined enough to make it every day... because i'm a loser, and i can't
but, even after doing all of this
i feel the same.
the only thing that is happening, is i'm getting more large
and more dense...
and i really really don't like it right now.
so i was thinking maybe i'll just go for breakfast
and a really large lunch.
and water...
that would probably suit me better.
or maybe cereal at night... something light, like special k
and if all of the machines weren't broken in the dorms i would
go ahead and use those, but they are... so it's kind of unrealistic...
i really hate what i've become...
i'm very disgusted with myself right now...
and nikki has my notebook.
and i want it back.
:/

after (not) voting

this morning as i was walking towards the cafe
for breakfast
i was presented with the news that obama won.
i can't say that i was too surprised
however, i am sort of upset about the whole ordeal.
i woke up, and FELT oppression.
there was no one around the dorm
it was like the hand of death was upon me.
(and for all of your obama supporters out there
I'm sorry if i offend you by not liking him)

honestly, i think a lot of the bma-obamites
are very very ignorant...
most of them (with the exception of like four people
including mr. shofner) don't even know what he stands for.
these same people are walking around campus
joyously exclaiming his name.
i feel dread for our nation

i also feel sorry for the people who decided since they didn't like
the presidential candidates, that they were going to vote for
vice presidents.
honestly, that's one of the most idiotic things you can do
the vice president doesn't have control over anything really
and he WILL NOT BE THE PRESIDENT
(unless misfortune occurs)

i am very ashamed of the conduct of our nation.
"obama's going to get assassinated"
"mccain will die in office"
that's a terrible thing to say....

is no one decent anymore?
where is our civility?

i am aware that i am not an extremely politically aware person
but of what i do know,
mccain is not the ideal candidate but
obama spells trouble
and a few months from now
like BIDEN addmitted
when this nation is faced with whatever
crisis he said would happen
i will be standing on the sidelines
justified, and sad... that no one paid attention.

maybe i'm wrong
i very much aware of that.
but come and prove it to me.
come and show me why i should turn my views
don't stand in front of me playing the
"you're racist because you don't want obama"
card.

first tour

as the time for departure draws nearer
i can feel myself getting more and more excited...
but then i think about it, and the more dread i feel.
for some reason, it feels ...
wrong
(awkward turtle)
like when you go buy food by yourself
or, when you tell someone else about
your inside joke.

it's different, in a bad way
so 08-ers... consider yourselves indefinitely missed

fafsa

... for this class period
we are supposed to be filling out our FAFSA
stuff... but i'm not sure that i really want to

they're just going to ask me a whole bunch of questions that
i don't know the answers to
so again, another wasted day

it's actually quite awful.
it was going okay, but then it wasn't. it was very wavy...
this morning i felt awful, but then, i didn't.
but then i did.
and then i didn't
and then i did again
because i found out that i actually really do suck at
my job
and, my boss is getting kind of aggravated with me

i feel very much surrounded by negative things
and i would like to not be... anymore
BUT, it's not working.

i don't want to think about the future
what i really want to do, right now. is sit in my room
with my blanket. and... do absolutely nothing
nothing at all
my deepest needs right now, are to be warm
so, maybe i'll invite someone to come and cuddle with me or something.

i'm kind of upset with myself right now.
(oh man)because, for the past few months
i've been on a steady incline of weight gain
and i'm walking around feeling like an ugly large
bulbous creature. and there's nothing i can do about it
i'm kind of thinking about not letting anyone wear my
clothes anymore.
there's nothing worse, than letting someone borrow one
of your favorite articles of clothing, and having it be
loose on them...
i guess though, the problem with this is that i am friends with
tiny people.

and tiny people are smaller than me. :)

i'm very aggravated right now.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

writers conference

Act I Scene I
stolen stone
taken
for violent misuse
forgotten are the harmonies that dwelled
before
now only disgusting purposes remain
with lore
the balance and pace of a misguided tribe
shattered and uncovered with one
final blow
throw...

Act I Scene II
Terrified of what's behind
driven by the hunger that thrives his mind
the others won't help his need provoked
only by thoughts of greed
to shun to kick ignore
he's felt it all before
he remembers the birth
of their stereotypes
alone and cold he finds shelter.
his
...hope arrives in the form of nourish
hidden by the transparent mockery
no longer ashamed of the story behind
he picks up the stone. blows
throws.

Act I Scene III
Haughty gorged with the sense of pride
the public safety in his hinds eye
his deeds widely known
if only they could see, they'd groan
moan with the thought of one so unjust
placed in such position, a must
filled with thoughts of perfect lust
to see the boy pick up the stone
of course the creature must atone
the dirt who threw the rock must pay
the broken glass and bread aghast
to see the flaming passion
he throws blows!
he strikes and slices the poor boy senseless
he was only penniless.

Act I Scene IV
Justice was served and the boy lay bleeding
the man walks away and the stone is pleading
shouts of mercy fill it's head
"this urchin will soon be dead
forgive him please"
it sobs with dread
at the thought of
circumstance eloping with red


AND SCENE

it needs work. a lot
we were at writers conference and the last session was about poetry
and this isn't much of one, but it's what i wrote while we
were supposed to

another day, another... ugh

so it's true...
they're getting married...
abel and some... person
i don't even know her name

and as much as this shouldn't bother me
it does.

we broke up in march. and they've been together for a while
long enough to get married anyway...
it's only october...
how many months is that?
seven?
and there are pictures of them from 05...
(am i reading too much into this?)

im happy for him. really i am...
(not)
but, it just doesn't seem like it fits together
i hope he knows what he's doing...
anyways...
i've decided to wash my hands of this nonsense..
completely!

but... it still hurts you know?
a lot

not like i would ever tell him that...
pfff...

sigh... i would like to be okay now
please...?

a confession

i came home today.
both my mom and dad came to pick me up.
which is kind of awkward when you think about it..
at least it was for me.
my dad has never come to get me on homeleaves.
not in the three years that i've been at bma.
he hasn't come once.

it's strange to think that he can be so busy
even though he doens't have a job.
it was an interesting thought to me...

i'm very much regretting coming home
my computer broke, so i'm using my dads...
there's nothing to cook. and i'm pretty much
just stuck cooped up in the house... all day.
:/ i was so scared of having nothing to do,
i finished my state rep. project for government.

i'm very ashamed of what my life has become.
at school, i spend my days wandering around
wishing that i had something to occupy my time
and at home, i'm just trying to stay away from
depression.
this is my day to day life...
and yet, as much as i hate it
i'm not sure that i have enough energy
to become pasisonate about anything.
i think it's humorous in a way, that i started enjoying
photography, but now, pookie is the one that takes the pictures.
and, i used to write, but now... i leave it up to others to write
my poems... i used to sing. but i can't anymore.
i used to sing all of the time. on the path down to classes,
down to lunch
up to the dorm.
but i can't anymore.
i can't...

everything that i love, is being shaken away from me.

this week, i got so mad at pooper.
i get mad at him a lot, and... he doesn't really care
and i think that's one of the things that bothers me.
pretty much, i feel like i'm the only one that cares
about our relationship.
and i miss him.
even with nothing to do, i haven't been able to spend
time with him, and he hasn't even cared.
and i'm so frustrated. because our relationship is
one sided.
and i'm no longer tall enough to complete that task.
so, i wrote him an official friendship resignation.
i haven't given it to him yet.
i don't think i will.
because he won't care...
it's not like i haven't talked to him about this before
i have.
perhaps i did not articulate myself well enough.
which seems to happen.
but, nothing has changed.
so i can't see how, doing that, would solve anything.
it would just make me feel awful, knowing that i mean that much to him...
and i'm not willing to sever the ties yet completely
i'll wait until college for that.
i know it's going to happen.
it's inevitable.
if he can't have a relationship with me now,
there's no way that he will later...
and it sucks... yes.

but what am i to do?

i have a knot in the back of my neck.
it's getting really bad.
but i dont' have anyone to get it out for me
and i am in pain.
ow.

in contiunation

there are to terrible things.
when someone hurts a loved one
and when someone you don't like sings one of your
favorite songs.

this weekend i was at kyle's house.
it was leadership retreat. so almost everything with legs was gone.
including pookie.
so in order to have a weekend NOT like last one. i went to kyle's house.
well. it turns out
that i probably should have stayed in the dorm.

i ended up feeling really uncomfortable most of the time. their family has a very distinct way of interacting. as in. they have really short fuses with each other. (and it seems to me as if the mrs. isn't happy, at all.) so it leaves me feeling awkward and unsure... like a child. (not only because they're filthy rich, and my family can't even afford to buy food anymore. mostly because i'm here. care to throw in another guilt trip?) it doesn't seem like they really appreciate anything. (not to complain about a very common cliche...)
i felt really out of place there.
like an alien.
so i was pretty melencholy the whole weekend.
but i think that i've decided that i don't want to create an atmosphere in my home where children can't grow up.
it's seriously what their house felt like to me.
i felt like a little kid who wasn't allowed to make any decisions....

i'm sick of being here.
i just want to dissapear.

lately every time i turn to someone that i love for advice, or for comfort
they all turn away like i have the plague.
it's like they're disowning me.
i don't understand.

i call home, they pretty much are ignoring me now.
i talk to someone up here, they look at me like i'm retarded.
why the heck am i trying so hard to love people, when they don't love me back?
i'm ready now... to start my life.
i feel very very ... alone all the time.
it's not moods anymore

it has stopped dissipating.
and is now constant.
i feel ignorant, and ashamed most of the time.
and... i dont' even know anymore.

just another waste

it's becoming harder and harder to be optimistic about things
(all of the time) i just want to go hide somewhere
and not be a part of it.
NOT BE A PART

i'm tired.

more on this later....

unfortunately

there is way too much time
but not enough

in happier news.
i finished my sonnet

it's kinda sucky
but i'm glad it's over with

i should

be happier than i am right now.
this morning i ate a cookie
i'm wearing "midnight pomegranate"
also a very wonderul scarf from espana
i'm trying to write a sonnet...
and still i am rather depressed this morning.

the other day, kyle was reading a book about relationships. haha
and it came to this part, that says, you should always be honest when you break up with someone. you need to tell them the truth and the reason why you're severing the relationship.
and i couldn't fully agree. because i've done it.
in fact, i just got an email from an ex. and
i know that i should tell him why i broke up with him. but it's too late now. how am i supposed to say, "you abused me emotionally and i think you did it on purpose?"
i can't

i can't even respond to his email
i can't even tell him how i'm doing.

UGH!

how am i supposed to tell #2 that i thought he was an idiot and he made me uncomfortable...?

technicality?

BRAIN WASH!

i'm back

right now, i'm listening to elliott smith. and trying to write number three out of four essasys that i need to finish by next wednesday. number three is about "the overcoat" by nikolai gogol. i love the story, but i would really rather not write about it right now. i really dont' want to do anything
i just got back from cuc collge days. what a barrel full of monkey fun that was.
on the bright side i think i've figured out what i want to do with my life.
i think i've decided that i like english enough to teach it.
i was day dreaming for the past day or so about what i would be like in a classroom setting. immersing myself in one of the subjects that i absolutely adore. and i am rather excited. :D
and if i ever become an enlish teacher. the first thing that i'm going to make my students read is beowolf.

because i'm a horrible person.

tired

of packing.


i need a break from life.
i was actually thinking earlier tonight how much
i just want to go somewhere FAR away
and just... be on my own for a while.
i'm so sick of being around the people...
that i'm around right now (at home)

and i would like nothing better
than to go somewhere else
and reinvent myself

have a fresh start
you know?

but i can't
because, it's ...


very very unlikely that i will ever get to.

just how it's very very unlikely that i will actually enjoy the next few years..

ah, rest...

so, after a very hectic morning. of not having my computer
i now get to enjoy this evening of pc-pro-ness

my poor roddrick had been acting funny lately.
he was around three breaths short of a break down
so i coppied all of my files onto the new ipod
-whose name is Vittorio-
and... sigh.... erased my hard drive.

so now, after a very inconvenient computer less day
i have most of my necessary things back on my roddrick
and can now rest easy
knowing that he might have four breaths
before he departs to the big pc convention in the sky

Vittorio on the other hand, had been a very pleasant surprise.
and i think, we will enjoy a very long and exciting relationship together. :D

i just got home.

my mom came to pick me up and brought me this paper that my sister wrote for one of those back to school project things. so, she wrote this paper about me.
it says

"my sister is an artist. she draws like you can not believe. she has a big room. she is mostly fun. she is the greatest sister. that is all i can say about her."

i thought it was really cute.
except for that mostly fun part.. :D

psalm 9...

yesterday. i had a really good day.
almost.
yesterday was Tuesday. and i had been looking forward to Tuesday for some time. i would get my picture proofs, we would elect bel canto officers. i would only have one day until home leave.
so yesterday i wore a really cute outfit. because i felt good... and everything was going great! until i got to leadership bible class.
when i got to class, we started talking about oh, all of those topics that you would normally talk about in a bible class. and i started getting really aggravated. which I've noticed starts happening whenever I'm in a spiritual situation. like vespers. or chapel. i turn my mind off. because i don't want to listen to it. i don't want to hear any of it. so i was contemplating the reasoning behind my sudden disinterest for these topics and i realized it's because, i don't care. i don't care about what they have to say. and i don't want to hear it. i was in the middle of class and everyone was voicing those spoon fed opinions and i felt so angry at them all. I'm tired of the expected answers when it comes to God.
so as i was walking down to bel canto after class, i was thinking to myself. do i care about the bible? because i only read parts of it because people tell me that i should. but honestly, i don't think i do. i don't think that i can subscribe to believing in the bible. i haven't even read the whole thing. but if i don't care about the bible. do i care about God? no. i don't think that i do. i don't have a reason to believe in him. i don't know where he is. and the whole time, i was three steps away from hyperventilating because. it's awful.
i never wanted to be one of those people that didn't believe in him. never. i didn't understand why people would say things like "god doesn't exist" because of everything that i had been told by everyone else. it was sort of like a "duh, why can't you see this?" sort of deal.
and i was freaking out because i was turning into one. and it scared me. immensely.
so all during bel canto, i was crying my eyes out. and mr. flores picked that practice to sing the "solo" or whatever, and it didn't go as horribly as it could have. but, you could tell. so pooper asked to practice it after, (we were getting out early) and so of course we ended up talking about my puffy eyes and i ended up telling him. hmm.. he seems to have a knack for that kind of thing. so i talked it over with him. there were a lot of "i don't knows"
but afterwards, i didn't feel any less freaked out. or like i had done anything. so i went back to my room and packed and such.
but i was thinking about it before i went to bed.
i thought it was kind of funny because i still had the "I'm going to talk to God before i go to bed mentality"
so this morning, i was in the shower and i was trying to think of reasons not to believe in God. and i couldn't think of any.
and i realized that my reasoning for denouncing him, didn't hold up.
i won't decide to believe in him, but i'll decide not to?
seems kind of ridiculous.
and in my 10 minute shower, i was trying to think of anything that could sway my decision.
and i found one.
i cannot subscribe to evolution.
it seems like a silly enough answer right?
and if i strongly believe in creation, it's a fair guess that i should also have belief in a creator, or else my whole foundation is ... gone.
and right now, it's a good enough reason for me.
i think i'm okay with deciding to believe in God. because the truth is, i don't know what i would do if i didn't believe in him. i don't think i'm capable of NOT believing. maybe it's a part of growing up in the church. i'm not really sure. but, i wouldn't feel complete if i denounced him.

as of right now, i'm not entirely sure where i stand on every subject or element of anything religious. but, i have decided.
i have made my choice.
and right now, i feel content.

i'm going home today. so i'll take a break from my mind for a few days, and when i get back, maybe i'll try to appreciate things.
i'm not claiming anything right now. except God.


and i think i'm okay with this decision.

kind of but not quite...

i am in a very fluctuating mood right now

i want to be inspired by something
i want to feel passionate about anything

but i want to rest...
to catch up with life..
to breathe

so, as you can see, it's quite difficult for my mood to be satisfied..
it's all so very demanding.

i would say currently, i am not happy.
more annoyed if anything. i got an email from an old friend today. and i was annoyed by the way she tried to tell me things that i already knew. like she was the authority on my life, and everyone else's. and yet. it just makes me incredibly disgusted with myself. it's like i prefer to judge rather than to see the sides.

so amidst the trying to figure out what i will be doing with the rest of my life, planning out every inch of my homeleave (including trying to be polite to my family, trying not to step on people's toes, trying to figure out every little tiny detail of family formalities) trying to get through the next few days, reforming my dastardly ways, i also have to deal with this new ounce of self hate so lavishly heaped upon me.

so this afternoon i was trying to find things to look forward to. things to make me smile.
1. the seniors receive their picture proofs tomorrow. and i am supremely curious as to how they have turned out.
2. my anniversary with pooper is coming up on the ninth of november. and i have planned out an elaborate gift for him. (which should cause stress but surprisingly doesn't. but now i have to deal with the whole, "no we're not going out, it's the anniversary of the starting point of our friendship" but i don't want to tell people. it's not something that i think they would understand. i haven't told anyone what my big plan is yet. i don't think i'm going to."
3. i picked out four songs for my senior recital today. which means practice practice practice! but, i'm happy. because now i have something to work on. a goal i guess to keep me sane for the rest of the semester.


i love life. i really do. it's just i'm not sure i know how to appreciate it yet. and it depresses me ever so slightly.

calm

right now, i feel very relaxed.
which is a stretch at most.
this morning i was entirely shrouded in doubt.
the fair mr. stewart asked me if i would be willing to lead out in song service at his church plant. which of course, i said yes to. and of course should have said no to. i am no good at getting up front. as is evidence by my focus week fiasco. so i should not have agreed. so last night, and well into this morning. i was freaking out for obvious reasons. and afterwards. i was very depleted and void of energy. because i failed. miserably. but later i stepped out and played a little badminton... a strange sport for a reed. (in fact, all sports are strange for the reeds... )

so that was my day...

i also got called for jury duty...
strange, since i'm still a minor...
hum.

release

the time has come, for me to accept the fact. that i am a jerk. i know i have said this before, but let me explain... a few weeks ago, we were supposed to have picked our bel canto dresses... and we did. i was out voted 5 to 1. yes i was a smidge peeved. but i got over it right?
well, we got the dresses yesterday (let me just say that yesterday was an incredibly awful day for me)so when we got the dresses, it was like "ugh i can't believe how ugly they are" and i was incredibly free with my opinions. i was upset. i was frustrated. but i was too critical. i realize that i made a mistake. it was not the best thing to do. as is evidence by the offense that i caused a friend of mine. i called to apologize. but as these things often go, she didn't really accept it. she said everything was fine. but i saw her today and it's not how they seem. i will believe her. and not assume that she is still mad at me. but, it's hard not to. i feel very stuck. also because we're voting whether or not to keep the dresses today. and if they get revoked. how will she feel? it didn't help that i was the one trying to organize the whole thing. like i said. i am a jerk. so i stepped down. and now i will just be one of the masses. i will vote. share my opinion when necessary. but i still feel really awful about what happened... i don't know how to fix it. it seems as if i'm being unnecessarily disgusting lately.

i found The Glass Menagerie in the library a few days ago, and found a part that i related to completely.
the son is entirely frustrated by his mother, and after too much, he simply explodes, screaming this.

"i'm going to opium dens! Yes opium dens of vice and criminal hangouts, mother i've joined the Hogan gang, I'm a hired assassin, i carry a tommy gun in a violin case! i run a string of cat hoses int he valley. they call me killer. killer wingfield. i'm leading a double-life a simple honest warehouse worker by day, by night a dynamic czar of the underworld mother. i go to gambling casino's, i spin away fortunes at the roulette table. i wear a patch over one eye and a false mustache, sometimes i put on green whiskers. on those occasions they call me el diablo! oh i could tell you many issued to make you sleepless. my enemies plan to dynamite this place. they're going to blow us all sky-high some night! i'll be glad, very happy. and so will you! you'll go up on a broom stick over blue mountain with seventeen gentlemen callers. you ugly babbling witch!"

and while he's yelling, he breaks his sisters glass menagerie...
and he regrets. he mourns. his mistakes.

and this is pretty much how i reacted... except about dresses
not... drugs...

finally figured out

i think i have finally realized why..

let me explain.
this morning, i was in the music office with kyle and we started talking about the mission trip. he asked me if i was going to go and i said no. he then asked me why, and my gut response was "because i wouldn't want to cheat anyone"
i think this is probably one of the reasons why i am the way that i am... i don't like being a part of something, when i'm not fully involved, or capable of becoming involved completely. i'm not passionate about very many things. and yes, going on a mission trip would be exciting. but if i went, and someone else didn't. i would feel incredibly guilty. because they probably have more initiative than i do.
this year, i don't feel like being in bel canto. why? because i'm not ready for it. i'm not prepared to deal with everything. i'm not excited about school.
all of these things is just... bearing down on my mind. i want to become passionate, but there is nothing for me to do that with.
i haven't yet figured out why i'm so void of emotion, or i guess i should say incredibly bipolar right now. but at least a smidge of the puzzle has been filled. yes?
i'm still frustrated with so many things. not a day goes by when i don't feel like bursting into a flood of tears. and talking to people only makes it worse. it's an unnecessary burden upon innocent souls.
a few nights ago i had a breakdown. i was on the phone with my dad, and i couldn't even control it. i didn't see it coming at all. it was a complete surprise. i was and am still very upset about the whole thing. it sparked from the conversation "what am i doing with my life" i freaked out. and i couldn't even feel release through talking with him. it was like i was robbing him of his chance to speak to me. i was wasting his time by making him listen to my pathetic story...
i feel like i'm draining everyone of their happiness. like i'm destroying them by being concerned about me.
and the funny thing is. i'm a listener. i'm supposed to be listening to them talk about what makes them upset. not the other way around

right now though. i feel very lost.
i haven't found my niche yet. so i'm borrowing the space of others.

and it's not right
it's not okay

forever

it seems like it's taken at least forever since i've begun attending at bma...
i just want to get out.
so far, we've had to deal with the stresses of senior retreat
and bel canto dresses
mosaics
forced fun.
and it's only entering the fourth week.
i'm not sure how much more of this i can take...

sigh... all summer i wanted to get in
and now all i want to do is get out...

but perhaps, sometime soon, it will get better...
right?
at least that is what my dad keeps trying to tell me.. but i'm not sure how much i'm willing
and or accepting of that idea
seeing as how he's been saying it since he lost his job like a bazillion years ago....
still doesn't have another one.

and it feels like forever since i've enjoyed life...
like forever since i've laughed without hesitation
forever since i haven't missed someone...

i embark

today
for my senior year.
wish me luck
love
peace
joy
no stress
haha

love you all

packing

so, i'm currently getting together all of my things, and getting ready to go up to bma on sunday. everything is pretty much all together. but it's very depressing. yesterday, i went to the movies with Chrystal. on the way home i was in the car and listening to "love you all" by cloud cult. and it started pouring rain. i was just sitting there bawling my eyes out because it was so beautiful. all of my stress and doubts and fears and loves came out all at once in this awful moment. but i called pooper and started yelling to him. most of the time, he doesn't mind helping me calm down. then, this morning i headed out for my last day of work. but around 11 i had an msg attack and had to go home. which of course you know they're going to complain about because it was my last day. they're going to think it was a cop out. but i got home and was puffy and red and there was no way that i could've worked. but whatever. so now i'm packing and getting all of the things that i want to take with me into the middle of the room so that i can find them easily. my dad thinks i'm too stressed. so he took my phone away this afternoon and he's not going to let me use the computer until tomorrow. which i understand. i am stressed. i just found out tonight that he took out a loan so that he could help me pay for my registration fee.
it really freaks me out because he said that he wasn't going to take any more loans out. but whatever. so i'm just kinda chilling waiting for time to either speed up or slow down. i'm in limbo waiting for everything to come back to earth.
sigh.

stressssssed

so, today at work, was sucky
i don't want to go tomorrow
or friday
i'm such a rotten employee

ugh today though my fellow employees decided to turn the radio
up real loud
they were in the gym and all of the little kiddies were there
and i'll give you three guesses as to what kind of music it was
rap! yuck.
so, they have it turned up so you can't hear what all of the
incoherent children are trying to tell you
and so dun dun dun
the doorbell rings. i'm downstairs (the gym is upstairs)
so i answer the door, it's a parent i tell them where their
child is and i go back to the children downstairs. right?
right. so like, 10 minutes later, i take my kids down to
the gym and the parent is sitting in the lobby right in front
of the gym with a magazine in her lap and a "death to the world"
expression on her face. obviously she isn't happy. we're not supposed
to have music playing.
i'm assuming we're going to have a complaint sooner or later about this
sigh. i would be upset too, so i can't even blame her.
this is unacceptable. i wouldn't want my kids listening to any kind of music
without my knowledge.

we had to kick a kid out because he brings roaches
every time he comes. so far we found them in his diaper, sippie cup,
book bag, sandwiches. it's nasty
and they're infesting our facility so we had to tell him that
he can't come back unless he has a note from his landlord saying that
they are taking care of the problem.
yuck.
but he was a pain.
unless he wanted to be cute.

excitement

so today i'm on a quest to go and find honey sticks.
i'm also going to hallmark
i have decided what i'm doing for graduation gifts
so... i need to go and see if they have what i need.
and at the risk of ruining the surprise. i'm not going to say anything
because miss nikki might figure it out. haha.
but yea, i'm on a mission! dun dun DUUUUN!

i hate food

so this will be the 111 post :/ second palindrome
usually, that would make me incredibly excited. but see, i missed the first post because i was complaining and what not... so, anywho. today at work was really slow. for some reason the director thinks that it's a good idea to keep the toddlers and infants in the same room so we have like four babies and three toddlers running around in the same room. it's crazy.and also, sitting in a room with babies is not exactly the most entertaining thing in the world. "oh my goodness, she spit! so cute!" ugh. do you know how sick i am of speaking in baby talk... :/ yarg.... fargle..

the doctors

today, i had to go the doctors office. the daycare requires me to get this form filled out by a physician before i can start working, but they said the latest i could get it in was about 2 weeks ago, so i've been trying to hurry up and do that... :/ yup. so, we were sitting there, and it turns out that our appointment was at 8:50 and we got there at around that time, but someone else had an appointment at 8:30 and got there the same time we did, so my mom was upset because now everything was messed up and we were going to have to wait for forever until we could see the doctor. but my mom and i got into this conversation about what i was going to use my money for. because, i'm working, and the whole purpose was to use it for registration, but my dad already paid for it, and he said i could probably just use if for splash cash here and there throughout the year. and so, i was planning on saving it so that i could go to poland with nikki if we're still going. so, i don't know, that was my plan and then my mom was like, oh, by the way, you have to pay for your books. so now i have to pay for that expense. but see, they made me get my own bank account. so if they had wanted access to that money, they shouldn't have let me do that. they specified registration money, and since that's paid... i should get to keep it right?
well, whatever. so i'm confused about that right now, seeing as how the communication with my family is very non existent. so, they're probably going to decide sometime that i can't keep any of it, which you know, i wouldn't be too upset about if they had told me that from the beginning. but whatever... right? yarg.
i really hate that oxy clean guy. billy mays or something like that.
not really, but i'm very annoyed right now....

sharing

South Carolina

so we went down to SC to visit family. my grandma rented these barracks in the Oconee county so my section of the family traveled 12 hours by car (very uncomfortable, don't do it) to go stay in this little... room. there were 2 bathrooms one in between two rooms. there were four beds to a room, a kitchen and a family room with 3 pull out couches. so we got there at around 5 on friday morning, we left thursday at the same time. my dad, chad and i were having trouble sleeping so we decided to go exploring before the sun came up. we walked down to this part of the "park" that had the directions to all of the trails. we wanted to go to hidden falls, but we couldn't find them, go figure, so we came back to the barracks at around 7:40 and went to bed. woke up at around 10 something. then that day, we just sort of, didn't do anything. later in the afternoon we went out and started looking to see what was around, we found out that everyone eats boiled peanuts. which i found, really strange... :/ they're salty and gross. AND SQUISHY... so, it was an experience. on saturday everyone wanted to go wake up super early and hike for three miles to see a giant rock... i did not find that exciting at all, and my parents agreed with me. so we slept in and then while everyone was gone, we went waterfall hunting :) it was pretty crazy, there's this one waterfall, dry falls that was used in the last of the mohicans movie, and so of course we had to go.. but they were closed, they were rebuilding the parking lot so, we hopped over the line and went down anyway, because we can't come back in september when it reopens... so we got back to the barracks at around 9 something, not in time for supper. and we had to sit around and wait for everyone to go to bed because we're stuck with the hide-a-beds. sunday, we just kind of sat around, the uncles went golfing when they came back, it was 3-ish so my dad took chad and i out, we walked around the highlands for about an hour and then we went waterfall hunting again :) this time, we found this river, that had this huge water hole type thing, and there was a rock 20 or so feet up. which of course we had to jump off of, because we're idiots. i was persuaded twice, but it was pretty scary. i don't jump off of things... haha, so yea. but we went down the river and there was this gorgeous waterfall, that you can't really hike to the bottom of because there's poison ivy and steepness everywhere so we went back up a little bit and climbed down, to the edge, it was so beautiful... then, yesterday everyone wanted to go to the cowpens battlefield and of course we had to stop at the bmw factory and the calhoon house. really exciting... :/ after everything, we started on our way back home.
we got here around 4:30 but I GOT 2 LETTERS! i was so excited haha. so today the plan is to write letters, go to work, and write some more..
so i told you the events, but perhaps later i will disclose the family drama

finally

so on the top, that is nikki and i, i went to lbi
to visit the nases and company :)
i had a lot of fun. it was crazy seeing them again
and i really really missed nikki....:/
and then when i got home... my grandparents
had arrived. and my grandma brought me my blanket
the second picture.
:) it's like a giant puzzle piece with the scalloped edges!
i'm so excited!
i get to finish it. :)
i guess the only downside to my tuesday was that i got my period...
Rats... so right now i feel gross... but whatevs...

i knew a girl once

She liked to look through the windows of the houses
She passed by
To see the color schemes of someone else’s life
Her favorite part was the curtains.
Each house had its own set
Most of the time, they would match
The room to a T
And every time she looked in, it would be different
Sometimes there would be a person or two
And others, it would be bare
But every time she looked through,
Even if it was for just a moment
She could see a
Different perspective.
That was probably why she hated
Being in the driver’s seat
Road’s don’t have curtains.
Mostly, the only time she got to look
Was when she was sitting on the back
Of her daddy’s motorcycle
She would listen to her headphones
That she always wore under the helmet
And match the themes to
Someone else
Stealing the words
And painting her pictures
The funny thing is,
They don’t remember her

slightly

this morning i woke up at around 5 because
i had probably the worst night mare... in a while
it was really really creepy.
uhm. pretty much i got kidnapped by these two guys
who liked to drink blood...
freaked me out.
so i didn't get back to sleep which automatically leads to
tired carly.
so we went to church and everything. we left early
and i took a nap that ended up being too short.
my dad, caleigh and i went with the jon mess and dorothy
to go canoing and kayaking.
actually, i must admit that i had more fun than i thought i would
it was my first experience in a kayak and i liked it a lot
it was a little bit of hard work
and probably not enough. but
i enjoyed myself thoroughly
until about 9-ish.
we decided to go to bills house and watch
jesus christ superstar. and i was very appalled.
in no way shape or form do i or did i have any
interest in seeing this film. it strikes me as
a mockery almost. and i don't think it's okay.
at all, but whatever, i'm just a teenager.
i find it interesting however that a man who
won't go inter tubing on a saturday will watch
a movie that is known for being controversial
the same day.
i don't know. whatever.
so we went and i figured i'd give it a try just for
politeness and maybe a discussion afterwards
but around 15 to 20 minutes in
i became so disgusted with how it was all turning out
i went upstairs and fell asleep.
so tomorrow we're planing a fun filled day of maybe
riding some roller coasters
yay?
we'll see how i feel then.
:/
right now
i think it would be a good idea if i was to go to sleep

wasted.

tonight we had youth group.
and afterwards i decided to drive home because
i figured that driving on the highway at night
would be a little easier than doing it in daylight
seeing as how, at night, you can see lights
and during the day, there are more cars, whose lights
you cannot see. so i told my dad, i was like, hey
i wanna drive home. and he was like, sure whatever.
but before we left i was in a pretty good mood
i was singing along with the radio and i was making small talk
and he was being completely unresponsive the whole time
which you know, sort of put a damper on things.
and he would get frustrated with me when i was trying to drive.
but of course i had no idea how to get home. seeing as how i had
never done it before
and he was getting mad at me
he even responded to my small talk with things like, is it necessary
and such. and i don't get it. it definitely killed my good mood. and
i'm very sad right now.
around 3/4 of the way home. i got this overwhelming feeling
of extreme sadness. it came out of no where. and it hasn't left yet
i keep feeling like i'm going to just burst into tears
and it's awful.
i think this is probably the most upset i've been all summer.
i don't know. i'm fairly certain i could make
a whole bunch of excuses.
i think i'm done with excuses.
someone asked me tonight
what i did with my spare time.
i couldn't answer them
it's almost like i've finally come to terms with the fact
that i'm barely half of anything.
my personality is stolen
my thoughts are borrowed
and everything else
is like everything else
there is not one ounce of uniqueness in me
and i haven't done anything to change it.
and sure i can find the faults in everyone else
and it's just a s midge harder to find them in myself
but i haven't done anything to correct them
at all
and i'm not okay
i'm not okay with any of it
i wish to be honest and
sincere
and original
and beautiful
and smart
but i am none of it
as of right now
i am a little girl
sitting on her bed
crying her eyes out
because her own father
doesn't wish to talk to her
and i'm not
okay.

thankfull part 2

so as i was saying, these new shifts.
on the one hand. i will be waking up earlier
which is always hard when going back to school
because i need to regulate my schedule again so that
i wont' start off the year being super tired
and irritated... but on the other hand. i don't think i really want
to work for around 9 hours a day.
working three hours already is really
wearing me down. i think it's safe to say
that i'm not cut out for child care.
at least not so many.
when it gets down to the two or three
sometimes even four kids
i can handle them pretty well
but when it's a whole bunch of kids. it gets more
difficult.
but. i am really excited that i even have a job
and picking up this extra cash is going to be really
good because not only will we have more registration money.
but being able to work with the kids all day
instead of only at the end when they're more bold
might be good for me.
i don't even know who i'm subbing for yet.
so i might have different kids.
who knows
it's an adventure..
:)
so let's hope i'll be able to accept it

thankful

so today i'm feeling
very .... thankful
or at least like i should be feeling this way.
i picked up two weeks of full shifts at work
right before i go back to school.
so it's either going to completely kill me
or, maybe i'll be able to handle it.
i'm not really sure you know?
my computer's being a jerk so i'm going to have to restart
so i will post in a few minutes...

i love YOU daddy warbucks

i watched ANNIE
today. with my little sister
it used to be my favorite movie when i was a youngin
i think i'm going to have to get some of the
music for that
it was really cute

:)

looking for some cure

i need to shed some poundage...

for serious...

yhup

wonderful weekend :D

so friday night
at around 12:10 or so
i get a surprise visitor
peter came!
he was here until this morning
i was really excited
i missed him a lot and he's not going to be here for a while
so, it was nice.
we got to talk quite a bit
and he introduced me to la boheme
:)
but we ate lunch together this morning
and then he was off. i think he didn't stay
long enough, haha, but i am still very glad
that he came.
after he set out, my dad wanted to go on the boat
so we set up and went tubing
it was actually a lot more fun than
i remember it being.
but if peter was there haha... i'm sure he would've enjoyed himself
so yes.
i had a very good weekend
YAY!

i think i very much enjoy surprises
and cookies

accident

today i had an official breakdown.
it occurred after my first car accident
no one was hurt
but i totally freaked out
i came home
and was huffing about
and then i dropped my cookie
and i went outside
but no one was answering their phone
and i started bawling
and i called pooper
we talked for a while
but the whole beginning
i think for a good 10 minutes
i was screaming at him
about how i hate everything thats going on
like how my dad is jobless again
and silly things like that
it was much needed but i feel kind
of bad for him
i feel so isolated from everything
and so he kind of got the blunt end of
my frustration
it seems as if everyone is getting that lately
and i don't know.
maybe it wouldn't be so bad if people actually talked to me
but no
they don't
surprise...
i don't know why i'm so upset about it
but i really am
i live so far away
and it's hard to go and visit people
because i don't live
anywhere near them
and i can't go visit
so i try to keep in contact
but they're busy actually living their lives
and so by the end of it they don't want to message
me or talk to me or anything
and it's like.. well okay i'm really glad that i love you
i'm just so aggrivated with the whole thing
maybe i shouldn't be
i don't know maybe i'm running off of the assumption
that friends actually talk to each other
lately
they have no interest in initiating conversation
maybe i should just lay low for a while
so
that's what i'll do
goodbye internet
goodbye phone
i don't want you're apathetic responses
don't fake interest....
i'll live. i promise

i don't get it

do i have the plague?

i'm so fed up with this
no joke. i'm really frustrated...

i miss

everyone
i'm very sad today
work dragged

i think what i need
is a really huge
sandwich hug

:/

small potatoes

i love this song

it is a delicacy for my ears :)

qwerty

tomorrow my dad and i are going to hit bath and body works
because they're having their SUPERHUGESALE!
yesh ma'am

today i finished niko's birthday present
i wrapped and addressed
and tomorrow we're shipping it out for his birthday :)
shh! surprise :)

work wasn't too bad today
which is good.
tomorrow's my last day this week
because friday is fourth of july! yay?
sooo, yhup

i'm really really hungry
BUT i can't eat
because eating at night
gives you extra weight
that's harder to get rid of
and i'm going to sleep in like a half hour
and you're supposed to go to bed at least two hours
after you eat
so i now have to suffer in silence...
GO ME!

currently
i have lost all feeling in my butt
Rats..

busy

today i made a very cool something
his name is teddy. ted of course
for short

i also made something for pecho
:)
i'm really really excited about it
i can't wait to send it to him.
although i'm not sure when he'll get it
but i figure i'll tell him about it
send it to his house
and he can get it whenever he goes back :)

i have so much to do this week

i'm going to go and get ready for niko's gift
and pecho's
i need to write little letters to go in each one
and my dad's coming home tomorrow
YAY
and hopefully, i'll get my paycheck
so we can go ahead and head over to
bath and body works
i've been dying to go
they have they're sale right now
:)
i can't wait
soooo this week
will be pretty good :D

silly dreams

She had a dream about him last night
She didn’t know where she was
But if she ever returns
She’ll know that she was there
With him
Once.
He was with some of his
Friends, talking about
Who knows what.
She walked in, and was eating a lollipop.
For some reason everyone had one
Hers was red
And he had taken the sticks
And pretended that he was
Special by playing with the
Leftover sticks
How symbolic.
He took the stick out of her mouth
It still had the candy remains on it
Like when you bite a jolly rancher in half
It’s a candy that can’t
Be reused
It’s wet and sticky now
No one wants it anymore
Because it’ll absorb whatever it sits on
So it cries tears of betrayal
It is the leper of the sweet societies
You must avoid it at all costs
Or else it’ll spread
The dreadful stickiness
To everything it touches

You made her disloyal
This red candy…
Knows that She’ll never take it back
It knows.
And so it cries,
It clings to the stick
In case it is ripped from
That as well
It has nothing
Nothing at all left to hope for
Thanks to him
He separated them
And she will never forgive him
then she woke up

energized

haha, okay not really
i'm actually tired
BUT
i went walking today!
i had fun
my brother and i bonded
sort of
and i climbed a rock!
yay!
i need to find something for Niko

i like plaid

hmm... i really wish i had
a friend or two to come
and chill with me
i'm slightly more on the lonely side
sigh.....

good things

i have this pair of plaid pants
that i love
and i figured out that i have a blue shirt
that perfectly matches...
it is very exciting. also because i have
a pair of shoes that match both
good thing 1

i found out that
bath and body works is having
a SUPER HUGE SALE!
and (ohmygoodness i just started singing along with the tv.. :)
i'm going to coerce my mother into
taking me.
she knows she loves it as much as i do :)
good thing 2

i love pens
good thing 3

the past two days at work
have been very bearable
having only one more kid today than yesterday
and having my biggest trouble maker leave early
has SUPER infused my day with
less stress, and more outside time
good thing 4

i went to the library today
and found collected Hawthorne's
i'm very excited
i also found the sequel to this book
that i read like... freshmen or sophomore year
very cool! it was an awful cliffhanger...
good thing 5

i talked to pookie today
i miss pookie
but we had a good conversation
good thing 6

short end

of the stick
lately....

i am happy today

which is sad
because everyone is everywhere
so i can't share my joy with them
and whenever someone talks to me
it's half hearted
in messages too

i want to scream and shout and
jump
and
LAUGH

but no one is
interested
in sharing with me

depressed

yesterday... or i guess two days ago
was the one year mark
or it would've been anyways
well, last night i had my pillow
(THE pillow, the one he made)
and i couldn't sleep
because it was on my bed
in march, when we broke up
i was like, oh whatever it's mine
it doesn't matter
and by that time
i couldn't sleep without it
you know how when you're little
and you sleep with a teddy bear
it takes a while before you can sleep
without one
well it was one of those kinds of deals
but last night
it was making me so anxious
and irritated
i couldn't sleep
i was freaking out
because it was there
i was really close
to having a mental breakdown
so i threw it on the floor
and i couldn't sleep for like
a good hour or so afterwards
i'm so exhausted by all of this madness

today i spent like three hours making these
little stringy things
i like them a lot
i think i'm going to make one for niko's birthday
when i send him his present
i have this whole surprise planned
he knows i'm sending him something
but see, my plan is to find a whole bunch of neat little things
and combine them
i'm going to write him a letter every day until i send it
like, an update on the progress and whatnot while i'm trying to
put together his gift :)
i'm really excited about the whole thing
so far, i have day one
and gift one!
it's those little sponge dinosaurs in the
pill cap sols that expand when you put
them in warm water :)
they're so cool! i think he'll get a kick out of them haha
and so, i think i'm going to make him one of these stringy things
and make that the gift for day two!
i really hope he likes it...
i think i'm going to get a box and
decorate it
i'll probably include cookies or something
... if i plastic bag them
they won't get nasty will they?
well... i won't make them until day of i guess
i'm so excited :)
i really want to make his birthday special!
even though... he's like, in a different country and
all that...
and this is what's keeping me sane at the moment
but you can't tell him
because that would spoil the surprise, silly

alltime

the wedding singer
is one of my favorite movies

raptors

"doctor! what happened to my daughter? why isn't she responding?"
"i'm sorry sir, she seems to be suffering from a rare form of a coma"
"what does that mean"
"well, it appears that something so terrible occurred, so traumatic that she shut off part of her brain."
"oh dear, that's not like her."

dread

i am at home
NOT at bma like i should be
friday morning i woke up kind of nauseous
but i took some charcoal and an advil
and thought nothing of it.
i was a little queesy the ride up
but i was like... eh
we stopped at taco bell
but i couldn't eat anything
because my throat was being a pain
but we were so close
so i got dropped off
and i was hanging out with pookie
and jeff and kyle and them
i got to see nikki
and i was okay
but then we went to Wendy's
and you know how it is when someone
buys you something, and you have to
eat it because you feel
obligated
well, that's how it was
and i think that's what did me in
we went back to Danika's around 5
and i fell asleep on her couch
because i couldn't sit up
i was so tired
when i woke up
i had to make numerous trips to the bathroom
and i couldn't do the car ride over
so i stayed at her house for the
meeting and was sleeping
and bathroom tripping the whole time
i felt really awful about it too
because the Gallatin's are so nice
i love them to pieces and i didn't want to in convene
them, so i called my dad and we worked out for my
brother to come and pick me up so then
i slept until around 10 when chad called
and was like, 'i'll be there in like a half hour'
so i walked out to the living room to tell them
and then i grabbed my pillow and chilled on the
couch with all of them until he got there
when he arrived i grabbed my stuff and walked outside
no sooner had i stepped out
i started vomiting
when i stopped i walked over to a car
and sat down
turns out
it wasn't his car so i had to stand up again...
but i laid down in the back seat
and we drove home
i slept for an hour
but then chad started
getting tired
so we talked for the rest of the way
so he wouldn't fall asleep
but we got home okay
and i went to bed

now i'm awake
and very sad
i think the day care made me sick
those little kids hardly ever wash
their hands unless you tell them to
and then when they do, they just run them under
the faucet unless you do it for them.... anyway
the whole reason i went down to bma
was to see all of the people that i might not see
again.
i saw a few of them
but i didn't get to see
peter or pooper
and i had to tell them
that i was there but leaving
i keep having these dreams
where i'm running around
trying to find
people who would be willing
to pay for me
so that i could go back my senior
year.
i might not get to
my whole bma experience
has been sort of stressful
because every time i turn around
it's, 'oh we might have to take you
out because we don't have enough money
to keep you there, so keep having fun
but just remember that it might be
the last time'
but the truth is, i don't think i'm going
back this time
we really don't have the money
my dad doesn't have a job
and we can't pay the bills as it is
so what happens if i don't
ever see them again?
sigh... i think i'm a little too stressed
i'm going to go
take a bath or something
and drink some orange juice
maybe that'll help