STOP

i don't want you to ask me how you can make me a happier person. or how to make me calm down, or how to make me stop freaking out. i don't want you to "make me" do anything... i feel like you're mocking me. like it's just a game. like none of this is a big deal, and i'm an idiot for being upset. i'll be okay if you don't understand. but at least have the gall to say "i don't understand" don't laugh at me.
what i want. is for someone to just come and sit with me. to just come hold me for a while, and tell me it's okay if i want to cry.

i keep thinking about this conversation that i had with pooper a while ago. we were talking about why he doesn't like make up. he says he would enjoy getting to know the "real" person, rather than the fake one.
we all have our different reasons for covering up our "natural beauty" but he said if the reason we're hiding ourselves is because we don't like what's underneath, then there's a problem...
i've been thinking about that a lot.
and maybe the issue isn't whether or not i know myself. but instead, it's if i like myself.
and the only answer i've come up with is
no.
no i don't.

hah.

today has been pretty slow. caleigh got frustrated with me because i wanted her to go outside... and chad left for work... so.
i was getting ready to take caleigh on a bike ride, and this guy "dan" rings the doorbell. so i go outside, (mind you, i'm in a tank top and shorts. i haven't even taken a shower yet, so i'm all grungy looking. the front lawn has dismembered tree in it. pretty much. i'm gross.) and he starts telling me about how the government is going to give me money if i decide to renovate my house.... hmm... he kept trying to tactfully ask me when it would be a good time to set up a meeting with my family... i felt bad. because i think i got him in trouble with his boss. (he put me on the phone with him, to talk about estimates...) i really wasn't interested in what he had to say. and i kept feeling like he was trying to flirt with me. he was all smiley and small talk-y "nice weather we're having huh?" "uhm, yeah i guess, i think it looks like it's going to rain today though" haha.. it was weird.... i didn't like it. but he left. and HEY it's raining...

realization

i'm really glad that today happened. i guess lately, i haven't really been feeling like me. i've been stuck in this land of purposelessness and doubt. and just scary thoughts. and i've been here pretty much since i came back from connecticut. i hate feeling useless... and i'm thinking that maybe i'm finally snapping out of whatever funk i've been in.

maybe i was just depressed. i don't know. i don't like saying that though. because usually people go to extremes. but really, depression is having 4 or more of these symptoms every day for 2 weeks.

* Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (i.e., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite
* Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) nearly every day
* Feeling restless or sluggish to the point that others notice
* Fatigue or loss of energy
* Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
* Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
* Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal thoughts without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
(so says http://www.abilify.com/depression/about/about-living-with-depression.aspx?TC=95995&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=research&utm_term=depression&utm_content=rsymptom_textad_about-living-with-depression_text_tc95995)

but it's only been a week. and now i'm feeling okay. so does it not count? or am i just saying depression, because i don't know what else to call it? but really, this has been off and on pretty much all summer. what the heck is happening?

ugh, well whatever it is. hopefully it's over.

project

i keep getting the feeling that, soon... i won't be able to work on all of the projects that i would really like to complete. all that i have now, are these stupid little gifts, and surprises that i'm trying to organize. and soon, school is going to start. i'm full time. and dad's trying to set me up with a crazy full time job as a file finding interny type deal at a lawyers office. but i get to wear dressy clothes and talk to people who probably won't remember my name the next time they ask me for something. am i getting to cynical? i'm trying to stay positive. i'm trying to enjoy these days. i'm trying. i really am.

honestly. i don't have anything to complain about. nothing at all. i'm just trying to remind myself that whatever is happening in this silly little life of mine, doesn't really matter... there are people who have worse things happening to them. the complaining should be their luxury. i should be listening. trying to help. instead of wallowing in this stupid little depression of mine. i hate feeling like a selfish little pig.

oink oink

they call me tater salad.

i've been feeling rather paralyzed lately. like i can't do anything. or i shouldn't even try to do anything. i was sitting in my room this morning. just sitting. i was in the chair. staring at the wall. just.. there. it took me a minute to snap out of whatever zone i was in. but the thoughts in that zone. were not good. and it's taken me pretty much all day to dwell on other things.
am i just unmotivated? is everything going to get better once school starts? is it just today?
i have no passion for anything right now... all of the things that i enjoy doing. or that i did enjoy doing, i don't anymore. being home, just drains me of everything good and beautiful. i'm getting so frustrated with myself. i don't feel like i know who i am anymore. i feel so empty.

i've been cooking lately. and by lately i mean. today and yesterday. and by cooking i mean, salads. i made a pasta salad last night. and a potato salad today. it's been really calming. for those times. and i figure. there are worse things, i could be spending my time on. and if i'm going to feel fat and ugly. i might as well know what's getting me there.

ten.

this is my list.

1. "i love you, i don't want you to be like me"
2. you care more about imaginary things than you do about your family
3. all of these silly little escapades are hurting the one's you claim to love.
4. i'm sorry
5. you deserve so much more
6. don't you ever touch me again
7. i've always been there for you. and the one time i needed you, you bailed
8. i still haven't forgiven you
9. there is no rock. there is no hard place. everyone has problems. suck it up and deal
10. thank you

grumble grumble

i went out to tell my dad that i wanted to get my ears pierced today. and it turned into this huge argument. i wanted to invite him to share this experience with me. i have been thinking about doing this for a long time. i researched the pro's and con's. and really, i wanted this as my right of passage. i want to commemorate this time period in my life. it's important to me. so i told him. and he was like well you know it's related to idolatry right? and i was like, well, from what i found out, the reasons that people got their ears pierced was to signify their attachment to something. so i guess if you wanted to say that, fine. but that's not the reason why i want to do it. and he just exploded. it turned into this huge thing. at first he said that he didn't have a problem with it. and then he started berating me and comparing me to the people of sodom, because i want to get a hole in my ear? to me, this doesn't seem like it is that big of a deal. i feel like people would probably judge me more for buying cars and boats, and motorcycles more than for wearing some metal in my ear. but it's like it wasn't even a discussion anymore, it was a "i'm going to yell at you because you're too stupid to know any better" when i get into these fights with my dad, he throws out the "you don't understand" card a lot. like i'm undeniably ignorant. and i tried to tell him that he was just making me upset, and i tried to stand my ground. and i tried to bring it back to a conversation. but he wouldn't listen. so i walked away. and he started yelling at me about how walking away from my problems is just going to hurt me for the rest of my life. "is that what you're going to do? just run away?". yes. it is what i'm going to do. i'm running away. not from confrontation. but from you. he stopped me by the door and i wouldn't listen. i had had enough. i tried to tell him that this isn't anything new. that we fight like this all the time. and i always feel like he's not listening. like what i have to say isn't important... he said it was my fault. maybe it is...

hah. so he just came to my room, and tried to have a normal conversation about all of this. and he said he didn't like making me upset. which i appreciated. and we started talking again (stupid stupid) at the end of it. he walked away turning me into a monster.

maybe i am. maybe i should just hide away for the rest of my life. he's always comparing me to my mother. maybe i should just give up.

i was thinking about how they say that god is supposed to be like you're father. maybe that's why i'm angry with him right now. because i'm scared that i'll tell him something. and he'll make me feel stupid and small. i don't want god to be my father. i don't. i want him to be a friend. but right now... i don't know if i even want that. most of my friends are turning out to be something other than what i thought.

i just feel really trapped

best day ever?

after spending like, 5 days camping on the beach, what's the one thing chad wants to do when i come home? build a super-mega-awesome sea turtle, that's what. and actually, even though i'm not extrememly fond of the beach, i was excited about this excursion. we left home at around 4 something, and we spent from 5 until 6:40 working on this thing. it was really cute to see all of the little kids walking by and being all, woah mom! look at that! so... this is the final project. fun right?

pretty much right after we finished the turtle, chad had been in the water. i decided that i would.. not. haha. but we left, i drove. and we got home. caleigh had her friend yanna over, and so dad drove up to trenton to drop her off at home right? well, chad and i decided to go out to Anapays. the creepy diner like 4 miles away from our house. so we took the brown buick, and we went down. this is us right outside of the diner. awe. aren't we siblings...

so, after we finished eating, at like 10. we set out on our way home. we had a little trouble starting it in the parking lot, and when we got about 3 and something miles away from home, it just stopped working. the engine was still on, but chad couldn't get any more power to the engine. so we pulled over, and pushed it off to a location where it wouldn't get hit by unsuspecting travelers. and we had to walk. dad was still in trenton, and mom was at work. so chad and i started our lonely treck down the dark and creepy roads of new jersey. we had been walking for like a minute or two, and this car stopped next to us and the guy inside asked us if we wanted a ride. and of course chad was like, "no thanks, we're okay"... haha. i would've said yes. i trust people. chad does not. but whatever. it was good bonding time. i tell you though, it's creepy walking at night in nj. i kept thinking that maybe someone would jump out with an ax and we'd be done for. but that's just because i've seen way too many scary movies...
and when i got home. i got to talk to peter for a while. :) joy.

hmm... and about the previous week of connecticut. let's just say i don't feel like talking about it. it did not go well. but today did. :D even the walking. and the two blisters on my feet now... haha. life is good.

i'm home

so much has happened.
so so much

i just got home.
it's thursday.

i feel sad, and angry
and

alone.
again.

i'm scared i'm disappearing into my head
and there isn't anyone to come pull me out

i don't want to go to sleep

lately

i've just been feeling really obtuse. and wrong.
like all of the normal girl drama
plus gross.
like i feel fat, and ugly, and like i don't mesh well with my friends anymore.
and like i just am depriving the world
of something that could be good and beautiful.

like my whole "me" is just completely and utterly
disgusting.

i don't know...
but, i won't be here for a week
i'm going camping.
we'll see what happens.
maybe i just need some happy.

weekeeeending

well, today pookie is coming in about a half hour. timmy's coming too
we're going to go out on the river and party
danika's coming tomorrow
we're gonna go to the beach and party
then sunday, danika and i are headed up to MA. to go camping with mike and nathanael
...(and party.)

sooo... i'm pretty much gonna be incognito for a while...

i don't think i'm taking my camera, because i don't have any batteries
and that would just be sad...
yuhp.
pretty much, i'm excited about playing volley ball like NONSTOP!

and someone will have a camera.. guaranteed.
so i'll share some pic-a-tures. with you
because i love you
because you're awesome

withdrawal...

i vowed that i would abstain from listening to andrew bird until i went to the concert. i want all of the music to be fresh. and i want it to completely floor me. i want to be overwhelmed. it seemed like a good way to go about things.
except NOW i'm going through withdrawal. i heard a snippet from one of his songs today. fitz and dizzyspells. and now that one little section is stuck in my head. and when i heard it, my soul felt full. and i loved it. so apparently, this whole my favorite music fast, is working....
i just kind of really want to listen... haha, does that make me pathetic. i vote yes.

as far as self goals go though... i'm pretty proud of myself. i've lost like 5 pounds since i've been home. that's probably just because i've been sleeping through most of my meals, and i've been freaking out over everything. so really, it's not any of my doing... but i'm going to snatch it up! and proclaim it as my handiwork. for a little bit of confidence boosting.

.....hmmmmokay

i've been feeling a lot better recently... i got my stupid college classes taken care of. here's what i'm taking
public speaking, anthropology, art 101 (my "fun" class), intro to psych, and ancient medieval foundations..
sounds like a party right?
i'm kind of excited... i hope i don't get overworked or anything... seeing as how all of those classes will probably be more straining than my entire senior year.. haha. :) but i wanted a challenge right? i wanted to explore things. and so here is my chance. now i just need to talk to the guy with the job thing... so i can work a bit.

sigh...

last night i made spinach phyllo (i cheated on the phyllo part) so technically i just made spinach stuff... and i guess since i technically didn't make the spinach. or the stuff. really i'm just responsible for nothing.... kind of a bummer right?

i made a pair of shorts today. and by made i mean i cut off the pants part. and sewed up the seem... so i guess i really didn't do that either.

this is so awful...

BUT i did find out my plan for peter's birthday (no peeking) AAANNnnnd i had to borrow money from my sister to accomplish it haha. cute right? i just didn't have any cash on me.

i've been spending a lot of time with my cat lately. my fat, unloving feline, who has recently been very affectionate.. maybe it's just because i've been home for a while now, and now he's just used to my presence. but i'll end up sitting somewhere, or trying to sleep, and he'll just come up and cuddle with me. he'd make such a good boyfriend ;)
except for the bad breath and litter box...

wow... this is the first blog in a while that just sort of jumps around..
i'm a little scatter brained right now.
my apologies.

YOU STILL AREN'T LISTENING

how many times have i told you? hmm? how many... oh probably a bazillion...
dad, i don't want to go to college
i don't want to go to trade school
i'm going to bcc for a semester
just a semester
yes. just a semester
my major is art
i'm majoring in art dad
i'm going to bcc for a semester
i don't want to go to trade school
i don't want to go to college
i want to go to michigan in dec.
i want to go to michigan dad
i'm only home for a semester
so i can plan on going to michigan.
i want to go to michigan dad
i don't want to go to trade school

tonight. i registered for my one semester of college
i am now officially a college student
i came home.
mom told dad.

d. "mom told me you registered today"
m. "yup"
d. "how many hrs?"
m. "15"
d. "what about next semester"
m. "i'm trying to go to michigan dad"
d. "oh really?"
m. "yeah... "
- few minutes later-
d. "carly, you should've gone to trade school"
m. "dad, i don't want to go to trade school"
d. "you could've had a cirtificate, now you're only going to have a semester"
m. "dad, i'm trying to go to michigan"
d. "you could've at least gotten more money"
m. "i don't really care about money right now"

and then he laughed at me. he just laughed. and then tried to play it off like it wasn't anything. "well good" he said... no not well good. i've been telling you for the past two months! TWO EFFING MONTHS! dad... and you aren't listening to me. and i tell you what i want to do with my life, and you laugh at me? you laugh at me like i'm some bumbling idiot who doesn't know what the hell she's doing. well you know what? even if i don't. even if i'm making one mistake right after the other. this is MY life. you had your chance. and now you're just screwing us all over with you're fabulous life choices... does that make you happy? is that what you want me to do with my kids? you want me to grow them up ashamed of themselves? NO, i just want to be happy, and you're going to laugh at me?
i don't even know why i do this to myself.

ups and downs

today, i've been going through quite a few mood swings.
this morning i woke up and felt like crap,
then i took a shower, and felt better.
and then later i felt like crap
and then i felt better
and on and on.
i'm getting kind of sick of this

is this how i am all the time?
i know that steevs says i'm moody...
and i guess i really am... but i don't
get to spend time with the me that everyone else
gets to see. so i don't really know.
pff... stupid feelings.
they should all just float away, or... drown
or something that puts them at a large distance from me.

rough

i woke up this morning, and i didn't feel like me.
all last night, i was tossing and turning.
i don't know. i guess right now i feel out of balance.
like nothing is right. and i can't say that i'm enjoying it very much.
i know, that it's probably just because i'm tired,
or yesterday was just awful.
but i would really just like to be myself again
okay? I'M READY!
flip me back okay?
i don't like feeling this way, like my chest is
just ripped open for everyone to see what's going on
i feel embarrassed, and ashamed, and cold.
... and angry. i'm still angry.
but instead of focusing all of that bitterness on the
person who deserves it,
i'm focusing it on things that don't.
i'm frustrated because i'm feeling distrust
towards things and people, that i know i don't
feel that way about.
FLIP ME BACK

late night blues

tomorrow i'm going to bcc to take my placement tests, i was getting everything ready tonight. i have my acceptance letter, and my AP test scores. and i know that this really isn't a very big deal, but i'm still weirding out anyway... i think it's just because i'm going by myself. silly carly

vous êtes difficile

the little "rungs" of the dna ladder, are people... and there's a broken one at the top. i thought it was clever...




this morning, i woke up at around 8:30, and drove with my dad up to THE GROUNDS FOR SCULPTURE, i call it the sculpture garden. i've been wanting to go for a while now, every time we drive past actually... on the road that faces the highway there are these gigantic tree-sized sculptures. there are two faces, one red, and one blue, and i love them.... so i've been bugging my dad for a while to take me... so today we went! it was a lot different than i had expected, still enjoyable, but different... i loved the whole idea, this huge 30-something acre plot of land dedicated to sculptures... i was surprised by a lot of them though. i was kind of disappointed that some of them were just void of all emotions. and i was struggling with the idea that someone could create something that didn't evoke feelings of some kind. you know? most people, when they make something, they're trying to get a point across, or they were angry at the time, or they're trying to express an idea... or maybe they were just really happy. i had a really hard time trying to figure out why someone would create something that didn't mean anything. but then i was thinking that even if i look at it and lack emotion, it's done it's job. i was thinking as i was walking through that it would be nice to have the artists there to explain what they were thinking and all of that, but i had to stop myself. because, art is interpretation more or less, and the reasons they created it are important yes, but if i look at something, and it makes me feel, that is what it is supposed to do. it is supposed to make me feel THAT feeling. if i see a sculpture of an armless pregnant woman, and all i can think about is romaninan history or something THAT is the feeling that i am supposed to have. and maybe if i come look at it a different day, a different time, i will be thinking about something else, like the prime minister of malaysia... then i can't really ask for anything else. and you know, that's one of the things that i really like about art, it changes... i don't have to feel one way just because someone else does, and even if the person who created it meant it to have a certain message, i get to internalize it...
that's one of the things that i used to love about literature, but then i learned that it's not quite as flexible... (i also learned that if i love a book, i shouldn't take a class that makes me read it, because then i'll hate it) there are stipulations in literature, that aren't always prevalent in art... but then there are those that would argue, but carly, of course there the same, they even combined the title -literary arts- hmm, well i guess you're right. my bad.
my favorite part of the garden, was this (there is a picture of it up there) little enclosed section, it had a plaque out front that said, forest of the subconscious. there was a path that twisted and turned all around and behind and across this garden. there were trees so you couldn't see over the top, but eventually you came to this box. it was about 6x6ft. the two walls facing towards you were made of plastic so you could see inside, and the opposing walls were mirrors, and inside there were these giant naked baby dolls, and most of everything else was made out of a clear plastic, so these dolls were posed in different ways, one was dancing, one sitting at a table, and there were random clear objects, at the bottom there was this huge skull... i loved it, because no matter which way you looked at it, you were staring back at yourself through all of the props inside the box.... my second favorite part: there was a series of sculptures, this guy made life size people dressed from the victorian era, and they were everywhere, you would walk by and think that someone was there, and then realize that they were dressed odd, and oh! turns out they're fake. so i got my picture with a few of them. there was a mini-exhibit where there was a few just sitting in random places, but if you go to the top of the hill, there was a painter, and he was looking down at all of these statues and painting them (there was an actual painting...) i thought it was adorable....
after the garden, my dad and i went to this diner, to get a bite to eat. it was called the liberty II... and we came just after lunch, so there were all of these older people getting their after church meal, and talking about what the doctor said, and how the woman down the hall had a crush on everyone.. it was cute.

what is the next place to go? dad said that the art museum in NY is only about an hour away, so i'm going to bug him about that for a while, until he takes me... :)

TICKETS!

today, my andrew bird tickets came!
i'm so excited :)

this is me

beaming with JOY!

:(

i find that it is in the moments closest to sleep that tend to haunt me the most. my soul is yearning for inspiration, to connect with others. to know that there is peace. but there is rarely ever anyone awake to reconnect with, or to share in my fears. instead my mind wanders, and i return to find myself again and again quite... alone. maybe that's what it is. i'm lonely.

ahh... and there is revelation.
i'm not made to be alone. maybe that's why it bothers me so much.

there is goodness left in the world

today, i am going to cook.
i found this recipe that is pretty similar to the stuff that danika used to make at her house. and it was really really good. :) so i'm going to try it out. and see if it works. and i'm really quite content at the moment. i'm going to clean and reorganize the kitchen before i start... :) life is good life is good life is GOOD

and steevo, i love you to pieces.

you are beautiful. and i love you

Happy Birthday JACOB! :)

today is jacobs 19th birthday! so to all who know and love him, let us celebrate in this milestone :)

pigg

this song, fills my heart with joy, it's one of those songs that you wish some wondeful boy would come stand under your window and sing to you... are you prepared?

falling in love in a coffee shop- landon pigg

i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you
yes theres a chance that ive fallen quite hard over you.
ive seen the paths that your eyes wander down
i want to come to
i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you
no one understands me quite like you do
through all of the shadowy corners of me
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew
i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you
yes theres a chance that ive fallen quite hard over you.
ive seen the waters that make your eyes shine
now im shining too
because oh because
ive fallen quite hard over you
if i didnt know you, id rather not know
if i couldnt have you, i'd rather be alone
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while, i never knew
all of the while , all of the while
it was you

one of the many songs i purchased today... :)

i was thinking, how in all of those silly movies when the boy meets the girl, and he tells his friends, he says "man, isn't she really something"...
how silly and strange that is... would you use the opposite? i'm sure that many would. but that just seems heartless.

interview.music.coffee

today i got a call from shop rite. they asked me to come down for an interview. oh joy, i'm well on my way. today i also went down to bcc and got some information on what i need to do in order to go to school (and apparently i lost my acceptance letter bummer) i also went down to walmart and bought an itunes card and got some music. so tonight, i am in my pajamas, jamming out and drinking some cup-o-joe. i'm living the life. and the life is good :)

today, i found a tick. i'm pretty sure from my walk with peter. it was a very small little creature right next to the small of my back. i tried to get him off as gently as i could, but he was a stubborn little guy. but he came off, and now there's a very small mosquito bite sized lump on my back... it has shrunk a little bit since this afternoon, but i'm a little scared that this might turn into something serious. i suppose i'm just a little paranoid.

mini-breakdown

i cried today.
a lot... i think it was most likely in part because i didn't sleep last night. i did a little bit. but probably way less than an hour.
and of course lack of sleep makes one undeniable susceptible to bouts of sadness.
despite the new revelations of late, i'm not really sure that they were the only reasons for this therapeutic venture
i think, i've been waiting to cry for quite some time. and it all finally caught up with me. i haven't really been able to let it all out.
and today i finally did.
i sat in the shower and just sobbed, then i sat on the couch and sobbed some more. and i called pookie and bawled my eyes out....

and i feel good

i haven't gotten all of the tiny little pieces out, they're still floating around, but right now. i'm very calm. i'm very relaxed (i'm very tired)

lately, i haven't really been able to verbalize what's been going on inside my head. and i'm hesitant to try and talk with people, i'm scared that maybe these huge misery's of mine are only small and minuscule in the eyes of others. i don't think it's fair of me to talk or complain about all of my silly trifles. i guess in a way, i've sort of been distancing myself from communication.

as a change of pace, i drew today. it's a simple pen sketch, but the style is completely different from anything that i had ever done before. i really enjoyed the symbolism behind it. i've been thinking about different modes of transference for my feelings, and simple objects (probably because i've been reading asher lev of late) well, enough for tonight
i think i'm going to try and go to bed early (earlier) even though i've been napping throughout the day. i'm so exhausted. crying takes a lot out of you...

Agnes, I still adore you

i spent a significant part of the day today writing. not anything significant, just some letters. (as in ABC) i figured out that i have a list of musicians that i would like to invest in. M. Ward, Emmy the Great, Alessi's Ark, Noah and the Whale...

i bought tickets today. there's an andrew bird concert in october. i'm going. :) there's an extra ticket for however the future works out. i do not wish to go alone. it just seems like it would be that much more amazing if i had someone to share it with. i invited peter to go, we'll see what he says. they are not super amazing tickets... just something to get me in the building. i figure it doesn't matter where i stand, just so long as i'm THERE, i'll probably be freaking out the whole time anyway... maybe i'll finally get to talk with him about that letter i sent... :) now there's something stalker-ish for you

i wish that all of these really cute dresses weren't so silly and expensive. i found an adorable white dress with black buttons it was called morning in monaco... it was around the hundreds area... :/ ugh. well, i'm going to the flea market tomorrow, i told my dad that i would drive. yay me. we'll see what i can find for my 9 dollars and 81 cents...

bedtime stories

when we were younger, my brother and i used to climb onto the couch and wiggle and squirm while mom would read to us. it was tradition. we were always on the blue couch. and she would be in her rocking chair, and she would read us whichever book that we had chosen, like little house on the prairie, or counting numbers. (regretfully, the only story that i remember her reading quite vividly, was the house of winslow series. written by gilbert morris. there were about 20 something books, and she owned pretty much all of them. of course the only reason that i remembered them is because i was really into indians, and in the 6th one, the most handsome character goes into the wilderness and joins a tribe of native americans. he even goes through the right of passage... i thought i was pretty awesome)
when my mom goes to work, caleigh likes to wait up until she gets home (at around 11:45) before she goes to bed. so tonight, when mom got home, of course i am still awake, so i climbed into caleighs bed with her and listened while my mom read her stories. the book tonight, tisha. i love that book... i had it in my room for a good while until they ran out of reading material. so i regretfully gave it up.
i've been thinking a lot about my little library. i think it may finally be time for me to bid farewell to a few of the most beloved books, perhaps to make space for some new additions. or maybe just to put more knick-knacks.

maybe another rubik's cube or two...

i just registered for my new student orientation at bcc. right now, i have pretty much committed myself to one semester. so now i have to do all of this junk in order to prepare. and it looks like there is a job opening at the fitness center for a desk job. yay? so i'll be a working girl pretty soon. i'm not really sure where michigan stands at the moment. i guess we'll just see what happens later.

cardboard love

fish showed me this website, it's cardboardlove... :) this guy, (or girl, i'm very certain that it is a boy though) made this website where he writes little notes on cardboard to his significant other. personally, i think it's adorable... kudos to him. these are a few that i liked :D

rare.

it's funny what you learn about yourself when you're with other people. like how much you really do like cats. or that you enjoy squash. or how most of your underwear has blue stripes... maybe you really are comfortable with knocking on strangers doors, and climbing on trees. and maybe you're capable of going to sleep before midnight. sometimes you really can make decisions. maybe you shouldn't bring money with you, because you're an impulse buyer, and you'll spend. even if you don't really need to. or how you really can wear normal people clothes....

out

i just got back from nikki's house. we spent sunday afternoon to this morning chillin' together. on monday we got to see jacob, jeremy, and justin for an hour or two. and i bought a really cute blue shirt/dress(if i was shorter). and made two unsuccessful attempts to actually get my ears pierced.
i'm so glad that i went. as soon as my dad drove away, i just felt so much better. i felt like me agian. and now i'm home. and i'm trying not to slip back into the moods.
and getting to see the guys was nice. everyone's leaving for college you know?

admiration

i think the native americans had the right idea.
you know... whenever they made decisions
or decided to go raid some settlers
or planted crops
harvested crops
had some babies...
they consulted the great spirit
they had all of these religious ceremonies all to honor and pay homage to their god
and it's not like they just asked him for things... they thanked him all the time.
that's pretty chill....

bunny season

yesterday my brothers car broke down... so of course i tried to snatch up this opportunity... my dad decided that he was going to drive over to PA to pick it up. jacob, nikki, jeremy and i have been trying to figure out a way to get together while jacob was staying with jeremy. so far, the only hitch in the plan, is that i live so far away. so since dad was going over, i figured i would just go with him. so i asked last night at like 3 something (he was still up... go figure) everything seemed to be going according to plan. i woke up this morning at noon-ish and no one was home. mom was working, and i thought dad and caleigh just went to church. well it turns out he left without me...
i was so upset. i had been working out the details with fish the whole morning i was packed and ready to go. and he just... left. he said he would take me. i was so excited about getting out. i just needed to go somewhere. i needed to leave.

apparently he's going back tomorrow to pick up my brother. hopefully things will still be okay. but i was just so disappointed this morning...

tonight's just one of those nights i guess. i want very badly to have a cuddle buddy.

summary

by jess_1586

finally finished

i made this book. i drew the tree. i sewed the cover, i made the pages, i bound them together. and it is a piece of crap.
granted. i am very very very content with this project. i'm so glad that i did it. it was a huge stress reliever.
but in reality, i probably won't be able to write in it. the pages don't fold very well, it's a very stiff book. but really... i don't care. i'm going to try to write in it anyway... and really... i'm just happy that it's done

are you listening?

you don't understand. you don't understand. get the hell away from me. just shut the fuck up. i'm done. i'm done! just STOP.
i can't stress about this anymore
i don't want to stay here anymore, i don't want to wake up here anymore
i don't want to cry about it anymore.
i can't even look you in the eyes.

down where?

i made my cover today... for my book. and there is a very blurry picture of it... i put a pocket in the back. and it's two pieces sewed together. i did a back stitch around the edge in this maroon thread. i was originally going to make the tree black, but i'm kind of glad that i went with brown. i used a reference, but they don't look the same. i needed the basic tree shape, and i got some of the swirls, but then i messed up, so i just did whatever. i'm almost finished with the book. i just need to make a few more pieces of paper, and then i'll get to figure out how to bind it all together. joy..?

my sister got mad at me today because i wouldn't let her watch tv. (even though she had spent most of the day in front of it) i wanted her to find something else to do with her time. she had also spent a considerable amount of time at the computer, so i told her that she couldn't do that either. does that make me mean? does that make me a horrible person? because i wouldn't let her rot out her eyes? i worry for her a lot. she doesn't like to make decisions. maybe that's not such a bad thing. but i shouldn't have to tell her what she should do. she's 9 years old. shouldn't she be able to start making decisions like, i want to go play with my friends or, i want to draw a picture. when she's with her friends, she can figure things out, but without them, she's like a doll. i have to pull the strings. and i'm scared. "i love her, i don't want her to turn out like me"

today was quite rough for me. she woke me up. which i guess shouldn't bother me, but i didn't get to bed last night until around the 4 to 5 ish area. and i knew that i was going to be alone with her today. but the last time she just chilled out, read, watched some cartoons until i woke up. so naturally, i thought things were going to go the same way. unfortunately i guess she freaked out this morning or something, but mom told her that if i wasn't up by 11 she needed to come and wake me up. wrong wrong wrong. she woke me up. i was so unhappy. it threw off my whole day. i was cranky and irritable, and i was really depressed. there was a monster in me today.

tonight, i'm probably going to end up crying and listening to the national... i'm seriously not okay right now. " you might need me more than you think you will, come home in the car you love, brainy brainy brainy"

trying

i need a job.

i successfully made paper yesterday. it was dry this morning. but it was all thick and rough, so i put it back in the bucket. today i made some with my sister. i put some laundry detergent in the pulp to see if it would help soften up the end result. it's almost dried. i also used the rolling pin (i didn't find it yesterday) so i rolled it out, but only one side ended up being flat. so i'm going to need to figure out how to fix that. but so far, i'm fairly happy with how things are going...

i made an account on lastfm last night. and i've been listening to music ever since... i've found a few new people that i want to get some songs from. now i just need to get some money.... also last night, i was listening to opera (not at the same time) i requested a few from the library in the hopes of listening to them the whole way through... i also requested a roald dahl book. maybe the library will hire me...

my driving test is coming up soon...

troublesome night

i went to bed last night. and i woke up a few hours later, with this HUGE pain in my chest. and i kept thinking, i'm sleeping on my heart wrong. haha. but it hurt a lot. i had to move around and i think sit up even, before it went away....
what is that?
should i be worried?

scheming

well, tonight, i went out and bought all of the supplies that i'm going to need. witness.

to the right. notice the bug bucket of soaking paper... i haven't decided if i want to use bleach or not. if it ends up looking okay, i might just leave it out. to the left, there is the very fun home made frame. freshly put together by me and dad. in the center is the interfacing and fabric for the cover. and at the top, is the thread, needles, clasp, and sponge (the sponge is for the paper.)
right now. i think it's pretty safe to say i'm pretty hardcore excited about this.
steevo is coming tomorrow, so i'm thinking depending on what time she gets here, i might just wait until later to start the paper making process. it's a little messy, maybe i can get my sister involved too... she'd probably like it. she's coming home on sunday.

call me crazy.....

but i think i'm going to make my own notebook...

start to finish.

sounds ridiculous right?

WELLLLLLL

i was browsing through some sketchbooks on the internet... i haven't even finished the lewis and clark inspired one yet... and i'm already in the market for another book. and i was looking through some of the notebooks that people had made. and i think i can do it. i made paper in art class. if i can find a screen or something, i think it would be a good project to consider. maybe i'll start with a small 20 page something to start out with. i'll have to find a rack or something to hang the paper on while it's drying so that it will fold easily, but i think it would work out really nicely... and i could search for fabrics for the cover and... i'm really excited. ridiculously excited...

:D

pretty woman

"People's reactions to opera the first time
they see it is very dramatic.
They either love it or they hate it.
If they love it, they will always love it.
If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it,
but it will never become part of their soul."

i can't sleep. i've been going to bed pretty late the past couple of days... slash since i got home. i'm running out of things to do. i've painted my room. i've cleaned it oh 6 or 7 times, i drew an old man and a baby. i beat monkey island 1 and 2... ugh. (not all in one night) but what am i supposed to do with myself?

so tonight, i'm watching pretty woman... really, i'm a sucker for a cute story. i think though, that my favorite part is when they argue... just the ... the two of them they're so brutally honest all the time. and when they fight. it's not stressful, or scary or anything. it's still okay... which is good. maybe it's stupid, but i've never had an argument with someone where i wasn't scared they weren't going to love me anymore... be it boyfriend, or best friend. even my family... and i'm sitting here at 2:15 am about to cry, because they make it look so easy. (even though their arguments aren't real)and i'm jealous. i'm unbelievably jealous. i want to yell at someone. i want to argue and i don't want to be afraid of whether or not they still want to hang out with me. i want to indulge in a little cofrontation.

adventure game!

tonight i played an adventure game with my brother. we started at like 2 something. and we didn't finish until around 11:30. but there were some breaks in between and only minimal cheating. it was the something of monkey island. very cute. based off of the pirates of the caribbean ride.
it felt good to do something with my time. i want to get out of this funk. ugh.
i got to talk to nikki today. YAY! she got my letter :) and everything is okay. for which i am very very excited.
i also started a picture today. my first pencil drawing, since like, february. i've been stuck in the pens for a while. and i think i'm losing something. i can't get it right. i almost ripped it to pieces a few times. maybe i should just stay with pens... hah. we'll see how it goes.
i like completing things.

oh, and i cut open a toothpaste bottle... to see if i was right
i was...
and now i feel a little foolish.

is it? or isn't it....?

i was reading yesterday, about this woman who had decided that marriage was obsolete. she claimed that back when people were farmers, they needed a life partner, and the children to help them survive. but now with the institution of women's rights and equality and such, now, instead of being necessary, it's just a nuisance. and now parents are over-parenting their children. i was thinking about this a lot. my initial reaction after hearing this was huh, that makes sense. but i suppose that i am too attached to the institution of marriage and i was trying to find some way to justify the other way around. but i was thinking. if marriage is obsolete, than why are so many people GETTING MARRIED? even if half of them get divorced, a good chunk of divorcees decide to get remarried.
i was thinking, that the institution itself may not be so crucial to our survival. but people still have this need to find their life partner. we start at an early age. one of the first questions we ask people that we just meet "do you have a girlfriend" maybe most of the hunting is really about sex, but at the same time. many people believe that you need to have feelings for someone before you do the dirty. even if you wait for the second date... but even if it wasn't about sex, most people put a huge amount of time and energy into relationships. with friends or with future lovers. it seems like one of the most important things, is spending time with people you love. i think that we all have a desire to live with someone, to share our life. even people who never get married, or waste away in some super huge office building controlling minions. people want to be with other people. people want to be understood. so, i think that even if marriage doesn't benefit society. it doesn't really need to... it benefits the individuals.

i've always wondered how they get the toothpaste with different colors, to come out in their separate sections. at first i just thought, that they put it in the tube like that. but then i was thinking, NO, because when you squish it around so much, it's going to mix. so now i have this theory that there are thin plastic dividers inside the toothpaste tube, to keep everything separated... yeah.... this is what i think about.

pondering

"matilda and miss honey both got what they always wanted; a loving family"

i watched matilda today. it's so funny. i only watched it once when i was little, or at least, my dad only let me watch it once. but i loved that movie. i used to watch it at other people's houses. my dad didn't like it because it had some magic in it. he never let us watch aladdin either. (which is strange because caleigh's allowed to watch whatever she wants... ugh) but for some reason, i had the book -go figure- i read it so much, it was all weathered and i'm pretty sure i dropped it in some water somewhere, the front cover was all warped. i read it all the time. i really enjoyed charlie and the chocolate factory too! and james and the giant peach. roald dahl was one of my hero's.
i think i'm going to see if i can find his books at the library or something.

i went to the flea market today. i bought this really cute pair of elephant earrings. i've been thinking about getting my ears pierced for a while now. i think i started really considering around the end of april. i've been really intrigued with the whole thing ever since i was little. i used to put those little stickers on my ears... over class trip, i was going to go ahead and do it, but i wasn't yet 18, and i decided that since i was going to be camping like crazy over the summer, i should just hold off for a while. but i've been researching it. i don't think i want to attach myself with something that might have some interesting or negative connotations... so far, i've found out that people have been piercing their ears for a really long time. some tribes used to think that demons could enter your soul through your ears, so they would wear the metal in their ears, as a way of prevention. back in the day slaves would get their ears pierced showing that they belonged to their owners. and it seems like it was mostly used as a right of passage for both men and women.
i'm not sure that i would be able to subscribe to any of these, i kind of just really want to do it. i've been thinking about it a lot. i don't exactly want to rush into something. so far the only bad thing that i can see, is that it's permanent. BUT the only mark, is a tiny hole, that most people probably won't be able to notice unless they're looking for it. and if i ever get tired of wearing earrings... (here's the kicker, which is why i don't find the permanent thing very daunting) i don't have to put them in my ear. and after time, the hole will close up -depending on how long i've been wearing them- it's not as serious as getting a tattoo or something. (i don't have any interest in getting a tattoo... i know that if i ever got one, i'd probably regret it the second they finished... besides, i don't think i've ever seen a tattoo that wasn't in an awkward place. there really isn't anywhere to put them that doesn't look weird...
so really... what do i have to lose? not much... what do i have to gain? not really very much either. but i havent't found a reason that screams "no" yet... i guess we'll just have to see.

La Belle et la Bête

today.

i got to spend some time with my sister. i woke up at around 11:30. last night i didn't end up getting to bed until around 4:30. i haven't really been able to go to sleep before 2. when i woke up this morning, she was watching cartoons. so, i got some breakfast, and after a show, i decided it would be a good idea to say goodbye to the squeaky voiced and brightly colored oddities. so we conversed for a short while on what we should do. caleigh really enjoys computer games, so we went downstairs to play one. we decided on SPY FOX! i hadn't played in a really long time, so i let her play and i just kind of directed from the background... after the game, she wanted to go on a bike ride...

i haven't gotten on a bike since i got home. but as soon as i got ingrid out of the garage, i don't know. i just, felt right... i was just so happy. we only rode around the block a few times. i guess that's as far as dad lets her go. it seems so silly and ridiculous, but i just felt like everything was okay again...

we got back to the house, cleaned up, and then i fixed her hair. she likes that sort of thing. so i french braided it. then she made up this game where she was trying to get from my dresser to my bed without touching the floor. and she was making up all of these crazy rules to it... it was strange. but she had fun i guess.

then we decided to paint our nails! yay! such girlie fun right? i don't know, i was thinking about this, i'm not really sure what the big fuss is. i used to be so enamored with painting my fingernails. it was very monumental to my self expression back in the day. since i wasn't allowed to wear make up and i was still in that awkward self conscious state of mind so clothes didn't need to reflect me, they just needed to drown me. i took to painting my nails quite regularly. i had so many different colors. greens and blues purples yellows. all different. i would change them like every week...(i remember this one day, the lunch lady had the same color that i did, and it really freaked me out). but when i went to bma, i wasn't allowed to wear it anymore. so i wore the natural colors, and all of the funky one's on my toes. but after a while, i stopped bringing them to school with me, and i don't know. i guess i just sort of grew out of them. i really dislike having nail polish on my fingernails. most of the time i can't even handle clear. i just don't find it attractive or flattering, or anything at all. it just looks ugly. but i painted my toes today, for old times sake. and in order to bond with caleigh. but really, it's such an odd thing to do.

well after that thought provoking incident, we decided to eat some supper, and watch BEAUTY AND THE BEAST! i made some very fabulous grilled cheese sandwiches. usually i'm not very good at making them, but tonight, it just worked. so we sat down and watched this classic movie. it's one of my favorites. i was researching it online because... i have problems concentrating sometimes. so i was looking it up, and i found a copy of the semi-original fairy tale for like 7 dollars. and i think, that when my dad decides to refund me (he can't access his money until sunday or something like that, so he borrowed ALL of my money... uhm.) so when i get my money back, i think i'm going to buy it. such a good story. i almost cried today when we were watching it. sigh. the part with the library, and then with the snowball.... and with the sparkly rain...

and after that, everyone came home. so no more babysitting for me.
today was a good day.
i got a book in the mail... it says who it's from, but i don't know who they are, so i can only assume who sent it to me. i read it to caleigh today. i'm not sure if she enjoyed it quite as much as i did. but i was beaming, i was so happy...

defluffed.

i washed the pillow that i made in textiles. i was trying to get the camping-ness out of it. but it turned out that i only succeeded in making the shag part come out. so i wasted some time trying to put it back together. and now it looks somewhat normal. i finished painting my room today. i even put a little elephant in the corner. well, not really the corner. he's inbetween my dresser and bookshelf. he's only about two inches... really cute.
apparently i'm babysitting tomorrow. no one let me know. mom is working, dad is working. chad is either working or going to class. so i am left at home alone with the little munchkin. not that i mind. i'm completely okay with this. but at the same time, there wasn't even a "oh hey carly would you mind watching caleigh tomorrow?" or a "since everyone is out tomorrow, will you watch caleigh?" nothing. so, i'm not really sure what i'm going to be doing with the little one. maybe hopefully something fun that she won't resent me for later... i don't know... it could happen.
my dad is trying to decide whether or not he wants to go and work at meadow view. which is all very strange seeing as how they fired him... uhm. but if he works there, i'll be able to go to andrews for dirt cheap. which would be nice. but i'm not sure if i want to go to andrews. i really dislike the adventist system right now. i don't think i want to go dive headfirst into a pool of it. but it would be nice to go live up there. maybe pookie will room with me. i hate that i've been changing my mind so much about all of this. but if i do decide to go to andrews, what will i do about moving in with brianna. all of the first year students need to live on campus. or so i've heard. i wasn't even sure if i wanted to move up there or not. i don't know how capable i am of doing something like that quite yet. i'm freaking out so completely... i just wish someone would hand me directions. i can't really factor in the andrews thing quite yet because dad didn't say if he was going to go in for the interview. i think though. if that works out. i'll definitely end up going to school up there... and we'll see how long i can take it... ugh. why is this all so complicated?

childhood

have you ever visited a place of your childhood? like an old classroom or the park or something. it always strikes me how little everything seems. when you're small, of course you're going to see things from way down there... but when you grow up, something gets lost. you just feel ridiculous.
i don't think i want to lose my childish perceptions. things are so easy to conquer when you don't have as far to fall.

i'm almost done with my room. tomorrow i need to go and get some more painters tape. then i'll be able to put the last few lines in. maybe while i'm out i'll get a mini paintbrush. i was thinking about painting some elephants and stick figures around the edges. it'd be really cute.

teeth

tomorrow i have an appointment with the dentist to fix whatever is wrong with my tooth. and i'll probably find out that my wisdom teeth are coming in soon. there is some pain.... ugh. i'm just really scared. i hate going to the dentist. i don't think i've ever had a positive experience. i'm really just freaking out.
so in order to quell my butterflies, i've been trying to plan for people's birthday surprises.

i'm really upset right now...
i just want to be happy.

not done quite yet

i started the process this morning at around 10:45. it took me a while to put the tape up, and sweep the walls down, move all the furniture and such... so i didn't start painting really until like 11:40-something. i started with the windows, i figured they would be the hardest. then i moved to the left wall, hopped over to the right wall, took a lunch break. washed everything out, and then switched paint colors for the last wall, which is in the photo. the three other walls are the light beige color. the blue is what it was before i started painting. and the dark brown is what the stripes are going to be in, SO. this is how far i've gotten.
and i still have a little bit more to go... tomorrow will start coat 2. and then wed. i'll probably start the stripes :D

working

"baby i can't figure it out, your kisses taste like honey"

tonight, i bought the paint for my room.
i'm painting it brown. changing rooms with my brother didn't work out. so i decided to go ahead and paint it anyway. so tonight, i'm going to either work on that drawing for steevo, or i'm going to start moving my furniture so that i can paint in the morning. i got two different types of brown. i'm going to take pictures of the process. the window and two attached walls are going to be light brown and the one across from the windows is going to be the dark chocolate brown. and then one of the light brown walls, will have some criss-crossed dark brown lines. at least i think that's how i want it to go. i don't think i want the dark brown to be the wall with the window, because that's where the light comes in, and i don't want to kill that. but i'm not sure if i want to put the dark wall next to the windows, or across from them.
and i'm sorry if i'm boring you with all of this talk. but i need something to occupy my time while i try to get out of this funk. so right now. this is the only project that i have.... i'm diving in!
gonna go start moving furniture! :D

another day,...

i'm really not doing very well today.
last night i was freaking out, and i couldn't get to sleep
today, i was browsing for paint colors...
when i got home, i just sort of broke down
i can't help thinking
what if this is all that i'm supposed to
do with my life.
what if all i'm going to amount up to is a quitter.
how can i even think about going to michigan when i can't even go
to canada.
how can i presume to think i'm ready to live on my own.
what if i go, and i can't do it?

i'm just really scared.
i'm scared, that i might be stuck here for the rest of my life
i can feel myself sinking into a depressed state of mind. and i can't stop it.
i just want someone to come and hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

what else

would i be doing with my saturday morning
than looking up ways to make my future children's breakfasts enjoyable

so far i have discovered that if i want these kids to have an imagination,
i need to have one as well.
kids like bite sized things. so! cut the fruit!
kids also like fun shapes.
so, no normal sandwiches or pancakes...
cookie cutters!
so far, this one is my favorite....

really?

i took one of those dorky quizzes today, just as a "hmm, let's pass the time" sort of moment, and this is what it came up with....
flattering, yes. truthful? probably not

You constantly analyze the deeper meaning of all that occurs in your life. You are on a never-ending journey to find your purpose in life. You are able to see through the surface of situations and the facades that people often carry. You are observant and non-judgmental. Your creative and thoughtful mind enhances your chosen and natural talents. You feel deeply and passionately about everything that you do. Your life is about the pursuit of knowledge, understanding, and answers. You have a great depth to your heart and mind that some may find intimidating and others will be drawn to.

you'd think

that since i spend so much time with myself
i'd know who i really am.
but most of the time, i wake up
and have no idea where the hell i've ended up.

"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."-eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

some aftermath

so, i didn't make it to canada. i didn't even make it out of pennsylvania. after about 135 miles, i burned out. and i'm really upset. i want to feel like i'm okay with my decision. but at the same time, i really wish that i could have made it. i feel like such a failure. maybe there are a lot of different factors to consider though. i felt really awful for making peter struggle with me. maybe i should've just dealt with it. but i just felt so horrible. he would stay behind with me while i was wheezing my way over hills. i couldn't take it. my legs were just so finished... and dan would go racing on ahead... i just.. i didn't feel like i belonged. i felt inferior. and i didn't want to feel like i was ruining their summer. so i left. in a nutshell, that is what went down. and now i get to explain to everyone that it just didn't work out.
there must be some good though. right? i went biking and camping for four days. with all of the training and preparation and such, i probably have somewhere around 200 miles conquered.

i'm really hoping that i don't just fade out this summer. i was really looking forward to spending time with peter, but now it looks like that's not going to happen. he tried so hard to keep my spirits up. i'm just sorry i'm not someone else, maybe it would've worked. i don't want to be a quitter.

i don't want to dwell on the negatives. yes, it would've been nice to continue, but maybe i should just look ahead, towards my future. i'll get to spend time with peter when he gets back, and i'll get to bug him about stories. i get to go to michigan in november.

i just need a little sunshine.

today is the trip down to peter's mom's house...
i'm a little nervous, i woke up this morning and felt
so awful. i hope that i feel better when we actually leave
i'm actually realy excited about the whole idea.
i just wish i was more, not feeling like i'm going to throw up...
i'm crossing my fingers that it's just the normal morning gross-ness..

yesterday i went out with brianna and katie to go see the bloom brothers.
i wasn't really sure what to expect. normally when i go places with
people i'm not extremely close to, i end up feeling intimidated and awkward
but this time it was completely different. it was refreshing. and i completely
loved the movie.

i've been thinking a lot about michigan. i have all of these irrational
doubts and fears about it. i'm a little scared. i think mostly because, i spend
most of my time waiting for other people to tell me what to do. for various reasons... and i'm kind of unprepared to be put in a place where what i say
actually matters... it's different. i think though, that i'm really going to
follow through with it. yes, i'm scared out of my mind. but i'm scared about a
lot of things. and there is so much that i could do up there. i think that not going would be more of a problem than going... now i just have to tell my family... :(

wrongwrongwrong

for the past few days, i've felt kind of leech-like
i don't know, maybe i'm just letting things get to
me. everything i do lately has just been wrong.
wrong thing to do, wrong thing to say. i feel so
ignorant.

arrival

i departed from my home at around 6 pm this evening
and have arrived safely at the gallatins house. i'm very excited to be here. i felt my perspectives changing as we crossed over from new jersey into penn. something about being home just sort of drowns me a little bit. and i always find myself slipping back into this state of lethargy and despair.
so i am thankful for some changes in scenery and for the opportunity to be somewhere else for a while.
and then the big trip is coming.
i'm glad that we have plans for tomorrow.
i was nervous that i would get up here, and not know what to do with myself.
i was scared that i would arrive and then freak out
because i'm just wasting my life in a different location. but so far.
the future is bright. and i am reaping in the benefits :D

we aren't laughing

we can't help but think
she's talking about us
instead of them.

sometimes
she realizes it's not true
routine.

she just forgets
that's what we say
she can't help it

but its not true.
we're burying her
piece by piece

we can't talk
she'll figure it out
we cover our lips

but she knows.
she knows
and she's angry

but she doesn't know
that we can tell.

she forgets her nose
when we walk by
she forgets
it's convenience

we can't remember
somethings
some things.

she picks up the pieces
for safe keeping
we don't know how to stop

unforgettable, that's what you are -false-

tonight is my last night at home... for a while. my dad took me out to get a book or two and of course my very fabulous dress, that i'm thinking i will wear tomorrow... or perhaps in a few days...
for graduation, a lovely gift card was bestowed upon me, and tonight i put it to good use. i bought some Wilde, and some Potok, and some Dostoyevsky :)
and i met a very fabulous elephant named wink

death of a

"the world is full of beds, and most of the beds are full of women"

i read the plot summary for "gone with the wind" today... maybe i shouldn't have. i just feel so much pain for Rhett

i was drifting in and out of a little mini depression today.
i ended up spending a significant amount of time with my aunt's dog, cleo
we are baby-sitting for a week or so because tracy decided to go down to north
carolina, and my grandma who normally watches cleo, went too. so.
i was very content sitting outside while cleo licked my face and jumped on my lap.
it's so strange, because i used to be so scared of dogs. but she just looked so sad.. i wanted to just hold her for a while... maybe this is a sign.
or a transition or something...
i couldn't help but think of how much i would enjoy having a dog... not a big one, but one of those little fluffy rambunctious ones...
although the poor dog... i would probably name it puppy

sometimes, i feel like i give people the wrong perception... i read some pages of my yearbook last night... and i was really surprised... i guess, i really don't understand how they could ever see me like that. i don't get it... i'm not really anything out of the ordinary. i hate feeling like i'm somehow deceiving people.

i'm trying to finish a picture of an elephant... and i just can't stay concentrated on it.... i really want to get it done, but i don't want to miss out on all of the important little details... i have considered just leaving it unfinished. but for my first elephant, in a series.... i don't think i can...
ugh. stupid stupid

she said what?

i'm feeling a little down today...
like a lonely sort of down.

the bay

i'm really getting rather excited about all of this biking around
today, i'm planning on going down and buying a dress :)a very cute
green summery dress!

yesterday, my dad tried to go on the bay, and the boat didn't start, so he came home and milled around for a bit, and then invited me to search for some roads and such in the area, the plan was that, while he was out fishing, i would be out biking :) so i google maps'd it and i found an 18 mile run... it was so pretty :) i had a picture ... but i took it with my phone, and my thumb was in the shot... *shame*
so i biked, and then went to the end of this road... that was surrounded by bay water... took this little sandy path, and my dad picked me up... we were on the bay for a while just chillin' and then when we were headed back to pack up and go, but we came across this guy, who had gotten his 21 ft. boat stuck on a tiny little sand bar... he was out in the water, with a rope... trying to pull it off... very interesting image... but we helped him, and he gave us a little money, insisting that he was about to call people and it would've cost him even more money... we we went back, packed up, and had a very nice pancake supper at ihop... at around 9 pm... haha. but it was all very fun, another adventure to add to the list..

one day

i think... i would like to end up like this

finally!

i'm getting my family out of the house today!
we're going to try out one of these bike trails :)
it's supposed to be 30 miles, but we're going to do about 13 of it..
bill and james are tagging along...

i've been looking at elephants all morning
i found a few pictures that would be good
to stipple... that's probably what i'll be
doing in my spare time up at danika's :)

this morning i was pretty close to freaking out
im getting a little nervous about canada
and i know it's ridiculous. but... i can't help it
it's now i function...
i'm just hoping that it goes away soon... it's rather
annoying :)

i'm very excited to be alive today...
and for my rekindled feist addiction

and WE'RE OFF!

joyous

tonight, i am dying my hair. in an attempt to find some semblance of normalcy... i also, finished my first stippling, IN COLOR. what fun. and this is a picture, of the second one... because the first one, was absolutely horrible :P

and this one has issues as well... but
i take solace in the fact that it is better than the previous.
i am trying to find more subject matter
i've been on this crazy artistic binge
i just want to soak it up!
i found this guy who is so amazingly talented. he stippled an elephant and there is no way to describe just how perfect it is. hopefully, i will be able to catch myself up to his level.

i have this impulse to go dive into a pool of art.
as silly and ridiculous as that sounds.
i want to create... and be understood.

and i want to eat some cake

strange

yesterday, i think i must have been a little depressed or something, because i woke up this morning, and all i wanted to do was go somewhere, and enjoy the trip... so i took my little bike down to pemberton lake :) as seen here

i stayed, and milled around for a bit, but then i went down to this cute little hidden building thing... im not sure how old it is, but i was pretty excited to see it.

well, then i biked around and found some chickens... and then i came home.

but i had fun... and i don't understand why yesterday was so horrible... ugh.. silly little girl :)

sometimes

i get this feeling
in my gut,
that i shouldn't go to sleep
because something will get me

like that feeling you get
before you throw up.
that catch in your throat

or when you think there's a monster in your closet
and you want to run and hide
in your parents bed...

that feeling that you shouldn't be
alone, because
there's something bad, just around the corner...

scared

my brother just offered to drop me off at a nj bike trail... i know that i should go.
i went biking today, but only 6 miles, and i know that i should go on this excursion, but i'm scared out of my mind to do it alone... i would probably be scared to do it with someone, but at least there is the comfort of having them there next to me. does this make me weak? pathetic maybe? she can't go by herself. i don't know what i'm walking into...

i just read a news article, about this woman who abducted her child, and fled to disney world...
i wouldn't have thought anything of it, except she seemed a little like me.
her husband said that it came out of nowhere and she was always leaving him little notes saying she loved him...
maybe that's what my future has resigned to...

truly, best night ever!

peter came to surprise me for my birthday today!
i was working on a picture for nathanael, and he walked in the door
i was so happy i almost cried..!
and we toasted, with toast...
and now he's sleeping (or he is supposed to be)
and i am getting ready to go to bed..
and jacob wrote me a birthday song..
i'm just so happy

we're not

i just got off of the phone with pooper. he called to talk about the note that i wrote him for graduation... (just goes to show you that you shouldn't write letters to people while you're incredibly depressed and bawling your eyes out...) (i didn't tell him that part) i get frustrated with pooper a lot because i don't feel like he cares about me... at all. and we've had this conversation before, i know... but then after, nothing really changes. i just get so angry, because i don't think he understands how important it is to me. we just had this drawn out conversation about how i feel like when people don't spend time with me, it means they don't love me.. (in his words)and of course it doesn't work like that for him, but that doesn't mean it isn't for me... i have an i-need-to-stay-in-contact-with-you sort of mentality. i need to leave people notes, or send ridiculous emails, or say hello when i'm walking by, or call at a random hour, send text messages... i need to. it's how i function. and maybe i should just shove the idea into my head, that not everyone is like me... but i'm like me... i need to feel like i've told you that i love you. so i write notes, and plan surprises, and all of that, because i have to say it. i need to tell you. and for some reason, i only get mad at pooper. but i actually feel like i'm friends with everyone else, but with pooper, it's different. i don't feel like i'm worthy of being his friend, i feel like i just bother him, and interrupt his life, and it's just horrible. i feel like he's saying, "you're not worthy of my time"
maybe i'm not...
arg! i shouldn't be allowed to feel! it just complicates things. i hate being misunderstood when i'm trying to talk... my dad was yelling at me this morning because i was trying to explain how he was making me feel. i just can't win... i don't even want to play the game anymore...
i hate this so much...
i wish someone would just be here...
.. with my luck they'd probably just run away screaming...

drama

sometimes, i just get so tired. last night, i was bawling my eyes out... ugh, such a girl. peter and i talked for a while, it cheered me up, but i didn't end up going to sleep until around 2:30/3:00. then my roommate woke me up at 6. i packed, went to the grad. service. DIDN'T cry (oh joy) but then i went to hang out with my family.
such fun...
i was berated for my future life goals and plans.
and of course drilled about the summer plans

you know? for once, i wish that they wouldn't...


i hate feeling like, every time i'm with my family
i'm the odd one out. they pick me, to make fun of,
sometimes, i really feel like its because im the
accident

bittersweet

tonight is my last trip to the gallatins (probably)
i am a little upset, just because it isn't how i imagined it would be
which is how many things have been going lately.
i just wish that everything would turn out alright now.
and i would feel like myself
i had a horrible dream last night.
i haven't really been sleeping very well all week actually
but last night, was probably one of the most surprising
and terrible dreams i've ever had.
who knows... maybe i'll never feel like me again. or
i'll never feel okay
i wish that was false...

ugh. i'm ready.