Therapist.

My family doesn't believe in global warming. They don't believe in going green. They despise the new health care policy. They cannot stand Obama. And they really dislike it when people prove them wrong. Also, they hate therapists. Why? I have no idea. But they do. Even the religious one's who try to encourage spending money on the church. They have always hated it, and I suspect they always will. Not once, have they ever shown interest in changing their minds. My dad has been really torn up about my mental health lately. Which I can understand... he's my dad, I am his flesh and blood. He's been trying really hard lately to get me to talk to someone. But somehow that only makes me feel like he thinks there is something wrong with me...

We have a kitten now. Caleigh named him Diesel. I've been playing with him for the past few days. And let me tell you, he is a-dorable. He was living underneath the shed in the backyard with his brother. But now we have one and not the other. Hopefully that will soon be remedied.

i can't do this anymore... i can't keep strapping myself to people and pretend that they love me too. my friendships are falling apart at the seams, and i'm the only one who seems to notice. or that wants to fix it. my family dynamic is a joke. has been for years. my mental health is being sustained by gluten free fruit snacks and occasional trips for coffee.

i'm a mess tonight and everyone i tried to reach out to. everyone i tried to call... didn't answer. or just didn't care. i don't know, you pick.

tonight, i waited by the phone for 3 hours because i needed to hear someone tell me that they loved me. i needed that. and no one did. not until it was too late... and now i don't believe you.

i'm lost

It used to be, that when I was not blogging on a regular basis, I would be writing in my notebooks. When I was not writing in my notebooks, I was blogging. It seems as if, I have lost whatever part of me that was motivated towards those tasks. It is almost as if, I have lost the desire to speak. This is troublesome, for me at least. Perhaps this does not bother you at all. That is probably where the issue comes about. I used to believe that I was writing to a whole sea of people who would be affected by what I had to say. If you have read any of my posts, that idea is ludicrous. I write nonsense.

If you were to ask me right now, if I was happy with my life, I would say, "It's complicated". I do not believe I would feel completely honest saying either "yes" or "no". My life is kind of a mess at the moment. I am continuing an education that I feel is worthless, but I am too scared to discontinue it for fear of what that would mean. I am jealous that my friends get to live together at their colleges, and remain living in the dorm setting of our high school years. I spend half of my days at home, and the other half visiting Peter. I'm not sure I feel really "at home" at either location. Where am I supposed to fit?

That's it, maybe I don't feel like i fit anywhere. Sometimes I ask myself those questions like "where is my life headed" or "how will I have grown in ten years". Ultimately I end up getting myself upset because I can't answer them. What am I doing with myself now? I spend days writing papers for classes that I can't stand. I eat like a madwoman because I'm not sure how else to deal with the stress. I end up hating myself because I can't be like everyone else. How much longer can I function like this?

Sometimes I'm alright. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I end up bursting into tears for no apparent reason. Which is kind of how I feel right now. Maybe getting rid of all the negative energy will cleanse my spirit and free my mind. No, but it's a nice thought.

Today, my dad went to the E.R. He had chest pain. He's been there for a while now. They've run some tests, but they don't know what's wrong. It's not his heart, and it's not his lungs. Tomorrow they're doing a stress test and god knows what else... and I'm scared. It's either serious, or it isn't. The only thing is, I won't know which one for a while. I keep thinking about all of the things that could go wrong... How terrible it would be if something unspeakable happened. My family would fall apart. He's the glue. If he's gone, I won't stay.

depression.

i can fight it... i can beat it. i will win.

recently, my days have been chock full of nothing. i go to class, and since i'm out of work... nothing there. so pretty much i sit around trying to be interested in something. but a few days ago i was asked to make some illustrations. so that's been on my mind for a little bit. i just started last night. and these things are going to be huge. i've got this intense 11x15 paper, and i've decided to use all of it. (minus a 1 in. border). and pretty much everyone knows i'm more of a picture in your pocket kind of girl. so this is really new to me. but i'm excited.

but, this is the only new thing that's happening in my life so far.

yep.

BIG NEWS!

OMG! i just found out that some states have state dinosaurs!

how frickin' awesome is that?

ah, sigh... i had to say it somewhere,

New Jersey's is - Dinosaur

love it.

C:

It's been a while...

so, it would seem that monumentally important things have been happening in my life, in just the past few weeks. the first being, that my brother celebrated his 22nd birthday. and i made him cupcakes with mustaches on them. here is a picture.

they were "spice" with cream cheese frosting. also i have finally... after weeks, and months, and years! of contemplating. have finally gotten my silly little ears pierced. want to see? here you go...

and! also, after an incredibly tumultuous experience at my job, i have finally quit. today, i turned in my two weeks notice. my last day is october 10. and i have already had an interview. (kind of) i would show you a picture, but you can see that it would probably be kind of rude for me to take pictures of myself while telling my boss that i no longer wish to be employed by them. but right after work today, i went down to the sandwich shop, and asked for an application. the manager handed one to me, and said that if i filled it out right then, he would talk with me. so i did. and he did! he said that he would have hired me right there on the spot if they hadn't had so many applications. (because now, i have experience... and i carry around the stench of success). and that made me feel really good. when he was finished talking with me, i walked over to borders, and i talked with a manager, she said to apply online, but she took my name, and said she would look out for my application...

there is also this little sandwich shop about 20 min. south of me, it's called the little picnic basket. and i think i'm going to see if they will hire me. and then if that doesn't work. i will see if there are coffee shops in the area that need my "flare"

i'm feeling really good about this. i feel like i'm taking control of my life, again. but hopefully this time... i will be the one who comes out on top.

well, that's over.

school has started. and now! i'm starting to feel torn in two. i switch back and forth during the day between

A) oh man, i'm so glad i'm in school again, now my life has purpose

B) crap. why on earth did i do that. now my life has purpose....

haha. i know, so dramatic!

it's been a little tough with work and everything. there were 4 full time people working and then 2 regular part time (myself included) but then one of the full time workers got another job, and is now part time (only a few nights a week) and another one got fired. so it's been a little hectic. especially since the 2 left, have only been working there about 6 or 7 weeks. sigh... so i'm working all weekend. to try and help out, before they find replacement workers.

i need to quit my job. :)

in other news. i think i'm going to start seriously looking into studying abroad. if everything works out the plan is

to finish out the semester, quit my job. and then start a month long road trip across the US (and back) so if i have nothing holding me back - and the travel bug- i think right then, would be the best time for me to high-tail it outta here. and just see where i end up...

i feel really empty. really alone.

like i should have gone to bed hours ago.

like i should cry my eyes out

get it out of me.

i want it out of me.

i just want. this. whatever it is.

out.

get it out.

i don't want to eat anything.

because i'll wake up tomorrow, and

see it laughing at me.

like a little kid who got a way with something.

i don't want to think about it.

i don't want to talk to you.

give me a reason

one that makes sense.

i'll show you what i see.

and you'll see why i close

my eyes all the time.

i need this.

i need this to cover up all the noises.

my arms are tired.

my ears are too big for my hands now.

i keep shaking

and shaking and

shaking my head.

but they get louder

and louder and

louder.

i'm having trouble falling asleep tonight. every little noise is getting on my nerves. i can't relax, or clear my head... sigh. is this what i have to look forward to? no thank you.

weekend.

every time i see this chair ( i pass it around 3-4 times a month) i tell myself, i'm going to take a picture with it... and so on friday, we did.. C:

this is my dad... with his awesome mustache... again for free. so many people complimented him. it was so great...

so! this, is the elephant that the face-painting lady drew on my face, for FREE! i know it's a little messed up, but i think it's pretty incredible that i was able to keep it for as long as i did.

trauma.

today, my dad and i took caleigh to six flags. we had just gotten in the park and already conquered the enchanted teacup ride, and HOUDINI'S GREAT ESCAPE! we saw the signs for Superman, and decided to have a go. when we walk all the way to the end of the line, it turns out there's a 90 minute wait. but caleigh said she wanted to go for it. so we stand there. apparently the temperatures got up in the 90's today, and it was all up on's while we were standing there. i was starting to feel a little woozy, but i figured it was because i didn't get enough sleep, or i needed to hydrate or something. i was joking with my dad that i felt like i was going to pass out. so we keep going (now we're at the 60 min wait mark) and i'm feeling all out dizzy now. the world spins when i move five centimeters. so i'm trying to rest my head, or lean over. or you know, try to get my footing back again. we get up to the 30 min. wait mark, and nothing has gotten better. i tell my dad that i'm dizzy - this whole time, he's been telling me, "it's because of the teacups, it really messes you up"- i'm holding onto the fence, because i can't stand up by myself, and i close my eyes for a second. my head feel so tingly. like when you stand up to quickly. i'm spinning so fast. and -bam- the next thing i know, i "wake up" on the ground. some stranger is holding the back of my head. my sister has the park map over my face. and i'm shaking. they kept telling me not to move. not to get up. and i was so embarrassed, i kept trying to get up, and tell them i was okay. but they made me stay down. my head started throbbing. they poured water on it, but that made it worse, and they saw blood. security gets there, and walks me through the line of people towards the exit, and this old guy takes me and my sister (because she felt dizzy too, and sat down in the middle of the walkway) to the first-aid hut. there are all of these cots and my sister and i picked two and laid down. they drew the curtains around us. the only think i could think of was, holy crap. i ruined the day, it was supposed to be special, they're going to hate me, what if the cut on my head is really serious and i need stitches. what if they need to shave a part of my head. if we leave now, will they let us come back another day for free.... all this stuff. so the nurse comes over and looks at my head, she says there's a lot of blood but the actual cut isn't too bad. and so we stay for a little bit... it didn't hurt too bad or anything but for some reason i couldn't stop crying. like the whole experience just made me go into panic mode or something... (that's right. i'm a crybaby... maybe even a sissy...) so we leave, end up staying the rest of the day, and that's that.

first time this has ever happened to me... and it was weird. but when we got home, it turns out that the cut the nurse saw, wasn't the one that was doing the leaking. there are a few back there, and if i had gone to the E.R. they probably would have given me a stitch or two. but since now it's my call, i'm not going... i'll be fine. it's just a little swollen.

so i've washed all the blood out of my hair, hopefully... and looks like i'm headed to work tomorrow. C:

great. adventure.

i'm just really tired. not fatigue tired... but

irritated, i guess.

because we said we wouldn't do this.

and now you're doing it. and i have to

pretend like i'm okay with it...

well i'm not.

because you didn't just walk away from "them"

you walked away from me too....

spree.

for the longest time, my mom's favorite candy was crunch bars.

and then for some reason, she switched to spree, and claimed she was always a fan.

she pulled out these giant boxes of stuff the other day. just stuff that she had kept over the years. it made me feel like we have a connection of some sorts, (because i have like 3 mini boxes full to bursting with bma and college stuff) anywho. she had these two exploding shoe boxes of love letters that my dad used to send her. and i mean these things were adorable... apparently he used to call her "precious" and they're all in this super grandma cursivey type handwriting... and it's just... adorable... she even showed me some photo's that she took for a photography class in college...

oh, also, on that front. i'm going to school again. because... i feel like i'm never going to go back if i quit now, and i'm so close to getting my associates.... so i figured, why not...

also...

plan A: is to get a job at a hotel that will let me transfer to scotland.

plan B: is to get my baker's certificate and work in bakery's and cake shops and stuff

plan C: is to join the circus...

and that's that. C:

dig it.

found.

today, i was cleaning... and organizing (hopefully) i came across this paragraph inside one of my old bma notebooks. and it said...

"I love you, too... I love you incredibly. Let me kiss the hem of your dress. - Let me, please! I can't bear to hear it rustle. Say to me: do this!- and I'll do it. I'll do anything. I'll do the impossible. Whatever you believe in, I'll believe too. I'll do anything, anything! Don't look, don't look at me like that! Don't you know you are killing me?"

p. 470

i have no idea where it came from, or what book it belongs to... but i must have liked it then, and i still really like it now... maybe the next time that i try to write something down, i should put the book there too....

because we are beautiful

and we go to the zoo.

gone.

"like yesterday IS gone, like history IS gone. the world keeps spinnin' on. you're going going gone..." oh man. the other day i tried to listen to all of those switchfoot songs that i absolutely adored when i was younger. but i couldn't handle it. i got sick of them. i ended up flipping through the whole arsenal. maybe it's time i let them go. fly free.

good news though. the lump on my neck has disappeared. maybe for good? i hope so.

today's my day off. i'm going bowling. with my lover. haha, just kidding. with my chrystal. C:

yesterday, it rained. like crazy. right after i pulled into the development, it started with the buckets. indeed. i ran up to the house, and was soaked. it took me 5 seconds. it rained like that for like 25-30 minutes. which isn't good news. because that means -flooding-. after it had let up a little bit i was going to go to whole foods (because we have no food.) but i got down the road, and saw my brother wading through this huuuuge puddle. so i turned back towards the house, and decided to call it quits. my brother's car stopped working... which means that i am without a car until someone gets home. which means, i can't get food. arg.

it's raining

the thunder made the house shake.

me too.

but i loved it.

now if only there was something to eat.

lump.

yesterday, i woke up, and there was a lump on my neck. i wasn't sure how long it had been there. or why it decided to show up... i know that i haven't been sleeping in the most desirable positions. at least not positions that would be helpful for the comfort of my neck... i wake up in the middle of the night with awful kinks. but i didn't think anything of it. i slept on a couch over the weekend. but. would that make a bubble? i showed my parent's. my mom think's it might be a swollen tendon or gland or something. but it's circular. which lead's me to believe it is not. (it's also only on one side...) my dad said it might be a cyst. he had one a few years ago on his finger. it got really large, and they had to cut it out. i remember. he still has a scar. my brother said it's cancer. and i know he's kidding. but i'm really freaking out. what if it doesn't go away. what if i need to get it removed. what if it really is cancer. what if it spreads. currently. it's the size of a dime. i can wiggle it around. and it's uncomfortable when someone puts pressure on it. it doesn't "hurt" at least not very badly. but it's not exactly the most pleasant feeling either. sigh. should i go to the doctor? (if i go to the doctors office, i might as well get my feet checked out as well)

Passion

What are you passionate about?

i do, what makes me feel strong, what i feel like has an impact on other souls. Things that make me feel ridiculous, and fill me with joy.

What will you do with the rest of your life?

I'm going to write stories on the back of napkins and draw pictures on cardboard... and leave them for strangers

Why is art meaningful to you?

Art invokes feeling. Feelings have the power of bringing everyone together and also giving us the comfort of individuality. We do not need the same feeling to appreciate art. What matters is that we are all feeling together.

when i say something dumb. something that i know is offensive. something that i know that i don't mean. something that would never escape my face if i was awake. i tend to dwell on it. i can't let it go. it's like i'm slapping myself. because that is the kind of thing that i want to distance myself from. to run as far away as physically and mentally possible. and it just comes back. creeps up, and shoots out like some internal death ray. and right now i just want to cry. because these things never need to be said. or thought. and they're all in my head.

tea/cookies

a few weeks ago, peter and i found this recipe for indonesian nutmeg tea cookies.and they were wondeful. tonight i got a craving. so i'm about halfway through making a batch of yummy goodness. my parents went out for a double date with some family friends so my brother and i decided to use this as an opportunity to bond C: apparently he has been having a "hankering" for some butterscotch cookies. so that's what he is making... we're listening to jerry reed on pandora. (i like last fm a lot better.... bleh)

and i'm thinking tonight i'll make some tea with my infuser that i got in west chester. i have yet to break it in. and i have so much tea! :O

enough said

today. they were interviewing. maybe for a new manager position. if so. we are screwed. truth.

yes.

tonight will go well

tonight will go well

tonight will go well

tonight will go well

tonight will go well

maybe if i say it enough it will actually happen....

it never ends

i've been stressing out lately about going to work. because it's summer. and we're busy. and i never know if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. and i won't know until i step in the door. this morning it was feeling like it was going to be one of the bad one's. i walked in. and no one was there. so i started working. checking off the list of things that needed to get done before we open. about 10 minutes into it. i'm still by myself. which is a problem. so i ask the boss if someone else is coming. and turns out, no. because the other worker took off, and the cover hasn't shown up. so i'm alone. which is awful. because there are still things that i don't know how to do. there isn't ever any time to teach me because usually there's only two of us and we both need to be doing something. so unless i come in on a day that i'm not working. i'm never going to get to learn these things. now that i know i'm by myself. i start freaking out. i'm rushing around trying to figure out how i can do as many things at once... i'm literally running for an hour and a half. nonstop. just going.... finally the cover shows up, finishes the last little pieces. and i don't know what to do with myself. i was so worked up. so stressed out. then it was all just. over. and i burst into tears. i just started crying. i couldn't stop it. so i ran to the bathroom, as fast as i could go. praying that no one noticed. i was leaning up against the wall with my hand over my mouth so that no one could hear me. just sobbing.

truth

today. i tried on my mothers wedding dress.

it fit. a little roomy. but it still looked

really nice.

it was kind of emotional.

sunshine and lollipops

someone asked me to cover on friday night. and i wasn't the most thrilled about it. but they had a really good excused and if i had said no, i would have felt like a jerk for the rest of my life. i'm really glad that i decided to do it. because it was one of the best work experiences ever.

we didn't have any tables from 4:15 until around 6-something. so my co-workers and i (there was one other waitress, the hostess, and the other waiter came about halfway through) stood around talking and laughing the whole time. and it was a really great opener for the evening. things started out kind of slow but picked up really quickly. i was really excited by all of the tables that i got. the people were really friendly-there for a nice friday night date with their loved one's. after about 5 or 6 tables the other waitress came over and was like, oh this table requested you. and i was like WHAT?! first time that ever happened. and i had waited on the family before so it wasn't anything weird. but it was still such a confidence booster. the whole evening was this jumbled mess of crazy and stress. but i was in such a good mood it didn't even matter that i was running around and wheezing through 3 straight hours of food and dessert. C: there was this table that had come in a month or so ago, and had asked me for advice about their daughter. and i wasn't their waitress, but i stopped by their table as much as i could. and when they left. we have this huge curtain in front of the door to keep the breeze away from the customers. and i was helping the table right next to it, and they pulled the curtain apart to say goodbye. haha, so great. no one had ever done that before. there was also these three ladies that had gone to school together in india and had split up. they all found each other on facebook and decided to come to our restaurant to reconnect. and i got to serve them... there were just so many moments like that and it made the whole night so worth it.

AND i found this incredible pasta salad at wegmans. it was a sundried tomato something with rigatoni. and it was amaaaaaaaazing.

so tonight i'm going back. and i hope that i can do the same thing. oh la.

monster mash

yesterday. was probably one of the most terrifying days of work i think i have ever experienced. usually when i get there, i enjoy the time it takes to set up, because i feel like i can mentally prepare myself for the next few hours of stress and failure. but it went by too quickly. anyway. i ended up on the phone with this woman. she wanted to make a reservation for a party of 20 people. which normally wouldn't be a problem. but. we only have 17 tables (3 tables of 6, 6 tables of 4, and 8 tables of 2) so we are very hesitant to take large parties that rent out half our space. people who know each other like to talk. when you have 20 people together on one side of the restaurant it gets really loud. the other diners get frustrated. so if the person wants a large reservation, we have to ask our manager. so i asked if we could call back. no. she needs an answer right that second or she's going to call another place. i asked my manager and he said that we would need to have certain things happen. she was very angry even with the thought of restricting to those certain things. i was frustrated. because i did not have answers to these questions she was asking. she would not let me call her back. my manager did not want to speak with her. so i'm stuck on the phone listening to her yell at me about the do's and don'ts of managing a restaurant. by the time i get off the phone. i'm tired. i'm angry. and i don't understand why i needed to be harassed. i don't know the maximum number of people that we can hold a reservation for. they never told me. i don't know anything about catering. so when people come in expecting me to know these things - and i don't... it sucks. because most of the time, they don't want to be transferred to someone else. they don't like being pushed from face to face. and i can get that. but it's not like i'm doing it for jollies. so. right after all of this, we have a reservation for 14 people. then a reservation for 10. then a table of 7 and two tables of 6. during which all of the other tables fill up. we don't have a hostess on wed. there were only three servers. which normally wouldn't be such a bad thing. we know what we're doing most of the time. but when it's all unexpectedly busy and no one has any chance to breathe. and we're all tired. no one's getting what they need. tables are filling up and emptying faster than we can give them water and clear off the settings... it was hectic. utter pandemonium. i had so many people getting angry at me for the little things. and i know they're trying to help, and i try not to let it get to me too much. but sometimes. it really does. our dishes kept running out. we didn't have any clean silverware. the glasses were empty most of the time. the funny thing is. that if we had had one more person. most of those things could have been avoided. sigh.

i know, that most of my unhappiness was my own fault. and i am prepared to deal with that. and sometimes. people just don't understand that things might be a little slow if there are a million people who need the same thing at the same time. yesterday was a low point. i'm just hoping that tomorrow will turn around a little bit. that i'll be able to focus. and do my job the best way that i can. so that we have happy customers coming and going. telling their friends how lovely we are. how great our service is. and how yummy our food tastes.

CAN I TELL YOU ABOUT MY CAT?!

bahaha. okay seriously though... my cat does this thing now. when i'm on the couch, with my computer, he'll climb up to the back around the headrest. and climb down my shoulder into my lap. and it's like... "looooovvvveee meee raaawr!"

sad and lonely

with no friends. that's what my brother said.

we're playing the "who has it worse" game. he's winning... i don't understand why this happens to me. i was feeling so good these past two weeks. and then as soon as i get home. my mind starts losing it's ability to function. and now i'm tired and agitated all the time.

gah.......

temperature's rising

it's getting closer and closer to go time. my dad and i are leaving at three. to get to the airport. and i. am freaking. out. sigh. i wish that i wasn't so cowardly. i know that i'm going to go. and i'm going to be fine. and i'll survive. and everything will be sunshine and lolipops. but this waiting period... is really just terrifying. what am i going to do in the airport for two hours...? dumb. and then another two hours later... gah.

because tonight is just another one of those lonely nights. where i can't help thinking that something went askew. or that i'm malfunctioning. or that everything is turning out exactly the way that i thought it would. but i'm tired. and i'm angry. and i'm frustrated. so is it okay to feel this way? or am i just reaching for straws.

new camera

i told my brother that he needed to take a new profile picture. this isn't the one that he's going to use. but i think it's really cute. also, that's my hand on that pillow. not his. there is nothing weird going on. ew.

i'm really excited about this camera too. (thanks jacob) and since there's a lot of traveling in my next few days. maybe i'll actually get to share my adventures. C:

you're a-maze-ing

tonight. i crocheted more of my giant square.

painted my toenails green with little alien eyes.

ate a chocolate bar

watched hook with my family

loved you.

mistaken for strangers.

i'm home now. and a little worse for wear. nothing really happened the way i thought it would. i have to go to work soon, but i'm tired. and i feel fat, and ugly. and just a little beat. i don't understand why it works this way. why in the end, i just end up feeling pathetic and jealous. we all come together and every thing is different. everyone came back better versions of themselves. except me. i don't know where i fit anymore. and then i get home. and nothing matters. they don't know. i don't want to tell them. it's like i'm just empty now. not even the good empty. can i just be someone else now?

i have nothing to show for myself. nothing at all. is it that i just haven't been trying? or that i'm physically incapable...

"You get mistaken for strangers by your own friends

when you pass them at night under the silvery, silvery citibank lights

arm in arm in arm and eyes and eyes glazing under

oh you wouldn't want an angel watching over

surprise, surprise they wouldn't want to watch

another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults"

-the national.

i'm scared

i'm scared to fail. not just in school. in anything. i don't do things that i'm not good at. or at least half decent at. because when i mess up, it's really easy for me go off the deep end if you know what i mean. the other day someone told me that i needed to learn how to fail. because by learning what you can't do. helps you grow and expand into finding things you can do. and i really liked that... but. i feel like i'm too scared to try it out. to test the waters.

i didn't have to try in school when i was a kid. the teachers would say things, and i would remember. i didn't read directions (which sometimes got me into trouble) because i read similar ones before, and i knew what to do... those worksheets really bored me. they were all the same. but i remember when i would get things wrong, my mom would be so disappointed in me. if i wasn't a straight A student, i was somehow going to destroy the world. throw everything off balance. it was a lot of pressure. i learned when i was around 10 or 11 that my mom got horrible grades. failed almost everything. i was so mad at her. that was one of the major things that started our rift. because she put so much pressure on me (not that it made me do anything except feel guilty) and i didn't feel like she had the right to. not unless she had something under her belt.

i remember being punished a lot... i don't think i ever really understood why. it took me a while to be one of the good kids. but after i learned the ins and outs of the right and wrong. i was so scared to mess up. because good kids go to heaven. and bad kids burn in hell. and if you ever do anything wrong. ever. you're not going to have a chance. you're a demon child. and that's that. someone told me once that we sin constantly throughout the day. every night before i went to bed i would say my little prayer, "dear jesus, please forgive me of all my sins, and please help my legs not to hurt" (i had pretty horrendous growing pains sometimes. i said that prayer up into my high school days. some nights i would say that, and my legs would hurt so bad i would cry. and i would wonder why jesus didn't love me. there are nights i still have pain. but now i can take medication) after awhile someone else told me that you need to ask forgiveness for every single one of your sins. you need to be specific or else god isn't going to wipe your slate clean. and i was mortified because there were so many, there was no way i was going to be able to ask forgiveness for things i didn't know anything about.

it was around that time. i started giving up.

cinco de mayo. OOPS

my first order of business is to announce that i have been chewing this mega mystery gum made by stride. i like the idea... they decided, oh let's make a flavor and not tell you what it is! so i was all up ons... it tastes kind of like really fruity pop rocks... more fruit less pop. (secretly i wish it was the other way around).

secondly. yesterday i got sick. which sucks because i've been looking forward to cinco de mayo since the first of may... sigh.

also. i feel like these http://www.pillowpetsontv.com/Default.asp?tag=google&bhcp=1 are really cute. the elephant looks a little scary. but if there was a dinosaur i would totally get it. although the alligator kind of looks like one. but i don't think that dolphin would work very well. unless it was just a fat dolphin.

everything was fine. and then it wasn't.

which really, is the perfect example...

we expected something, something better than before.

we expected something more.

do you really think you can just put it in a safe

behind a painting, lock it up and leave.

walk away now, and you're gonna start a war

whatever went away i'll get it over now.

i'll get money, i'll get funny again.

you were always weird but i never

had to hold you by the edges like i do now

-start a war, the national

obtained.

today. i hit 128 lb's. and i'm really excited.

i know that how much i weigh shouldn't matter. because really i should be more concerned with my body shape instead. at least that seems like it would make more sense. but... i haven't weighed this little since i was in 6th grade. (and this one time i got sick, but then the next day, i gained it all back. so it doesn't count) and i know it's ridiculous. but. i really can't help it.

jacob started it.

people tell me quite a bit just to pray about it. to give it to god, and everything will be alright. what am i supposed to say to that? i prayed about this for 6 years, no answer yet... i think he's tired of listening to me. i can understand that they're just trying to help. but. it's not alright. not then, and especially not now.

my parents got their answer to prayer. it made them go bankrupt, move around the country. my dad was unemployed for a year or so. and no one in the church will listen to a thing they have to say. why can't i have luck like theirs...

every so often, i feel bad for thinking this. but i really can't help it... yesterday, with the whole dream scare... i really tried to solidify my idea of god. but i can't figure this part out.

this morning i woke up, because i died. i had one of those crazy end of the world dreams. it didn't start out that way at all. james bond and angela montenegro were in an empty hospital. it had been evacuated because there were going to be some pretty hefty storms coming around, and no one though the building would be left standing. but they were in there... angela didn't know about the storms. and bond didn't care... and then it flashed back to earlier that day when bond was flying a plane trying to escape. he was doing all of these crazy tricks in the air... and then tried to go under a bridge. and his plane exploded. then all of the sudden. peter and i were there. it was earlier in the day. and we were on a boat. someone was talking... and it started getting really windy. and there had been threats of massive storms. and i remember people were walking off the boat smiling holding hands. saying how much god loved them. and how everything was going to be alright, because things were happening just like he said they were. peter and i were just sitting there. he was listening to someone or something, i don't know. but i know that i had this little bag of paper that had things that i had said written on them. they were like, excerpts from my notebooks. and i was trying to scribble little side notes on them, because if someone later was going to find my body. i wanted them to understand what i meant. i was bawling my eyes out because peter and i had never finished talking about god, and religion. and i kept trying to pull him aside and figure it out. but something was always happening. i had this overwhelming feeling of panic. like we were wasting time trying to figure this out. we just needed to pick something. i wanted to follow all of the people who weren't freaking out. but peter was saying how, it wouldn't be right because we weren't sure if we believed the same things. and i kept trying to take him with me. but he would say things like, well the lifeguards aren't going to leave their posts are they? and i was beside myself, because i knew. that i would never leave him behind. but i knew that if we stayed we were going to die. and i remember being so afraid. because i knew that i believed in god. we were still on the boat and it started getting really stormy. and peter fell over the side. and i jumped in after him. and tried to find him, but there was just too much water. and i couldn't see anything, or feel anything. and i couldn't help just imagining him next to me, so that i wouldn't feel like i was dying by myself.

and i woke up... and i was so scared. i believe in dreams a whole heck of a lot more than i believe in those conscious "signs" and i just keep trying to think about how different people would interpret this.. and it fight's with my head. religious people would definitely say that god's trying to talk with me. and other people would say that i have just been around too many apocalyptic movies. but that's not important. how do i feel about this? i've been scared of this happening my entire life. they think that it's a good thing when they tell you all of the horrible ways you're going to die when you're a child.

i feel like. i believe in a god. i don't know what happens after death. i don't know if there's a heaven. or if i'm going to go... but i'm so scared. because i know that if these things ever happen, i'm not going to be able to hold onto anything like this. i'm going to be running around with my head cut off. and that's not how it's supposed to work. you're supposed to be able to just, hold onto that hope. and i can't.

when i was a kid, i kept praying to god to let me die before the end of the world. because i knew i wasn't strong enough to go through it.

today

was bring you child to work day. my music professor brought in his two daughters. alexandria, and valerie. 9 and 7. i felt so bad for them, being dragged around listening to lectures all day. so i drew them pictures. they seemed to like them.

mess.

i guess in a way, we've always sort of had a room dedicated to messes. whose soul purpose was to be designated, catastrophe. in the white house, it was the room across from my dad's office. i remember calling it the play room... there were bookshelves full of things that i never cared about, boxes, buried treasure. and of course, toys. lots and lots of toys. in tennessee it was every room. but mostly the walkway by our front door. no one ever used it, so it was safe to put junk there. and here... it's the porch. caleigh's play-palace.

i used the play room quite often as a child. there was this rocking horse that had great yarn hair. and i would sit on it and try to teach myself how to braid. and when i graduated to braiding doll's hair, i would still sit on it... everything there was crowded, and i loved it. i used to try and make little hide outs. this one time, we had just seen some gymnastics of some sort, and i remember clearing out a little space. and i stood up, and put my arms out, and jumped! i flung my head back while i was in the air (trying to flip) i fell down. but i tried over and over again... there was this other time, i was very focused on trying to put some poor animal in clothes or something of that sort. and i started to drool. being so little, i hadn't really been too concerned with saliva. i remember jumping up and running to the bathroom and spitting in the toilet. there was this huge feeling of relief. like, now i was out of danger. so i went back to what i was doing. and was soon struck with more spit. so i jumped up again, and ran to the toilet to spit it out. this happened a few more times, and by this point i was near in tears, and my dad came out and asked me why the toilet had been flushing so much... i remember being terrified and concerned that i was going to need to go to the hospital because of this and they were going to give me a shot. which is enough to terrify any toddler. i probably said something like, "dad, there's stuff in my mouth." and of course he probably said something like "that's natural, it's always been there"

sometimes... i want to buy "mastering the art of french cooking" because it had such an impact. but then i remember that i'm a vegetarian. and won't cook the meat recipes. which means the only things i could make are... desserts.

i think maybe i'll have to settle for "my life in france"

reunited.

today. i woke up at 7 and went to my music class. my professor talked about nothing for an hour and a half. i turned in my last assignments for that class, and came home. i got showered and dressed, and headed off towards my lit class. it went fairly well, we were discussing the importance of being earnest. which has been a fairly popular subject in virtually all of my english classes. when class was over, i walked down to the test center to take my music test. it took like 5 minutes. then i came home. made a sandwich, and dragged my mom off to the doctors with me so that i could get a prescription for my acne. we wait for a little while, and then i get called into the back room, where i see a flyer for menopause. "Menopause and you, what to expect when your body is changing" my doctor comes in, looks at my face, and tells me that i should start with a face cream first, and then move to the antibiotics if it doesn't work. i sigh, and take my mom to the pharmacy where they tell me it will take an hour to fill. AND THEN we go to the mount holly bike shop where i pick up Ingrid! turns out, i was really just paying for the man hours. but whatever. there's this firehouse cafe in mt. holly that i've really been wanting to go to and we had about 40 minutes to kill before we could pick up my prescription. so we walk in, and they don't open for another two and a half hours. so we went down to the robins nest cafe, and i had a goat cheese salad. that was actually really good. but then i got dessert. and they charged me 8 dollars for it. and i was kind of peeved. so then we went back to the pharmacy. and got my face stuff. we also had to go pick up caleigh from her after school sports stuff. and when we got home! i rode ingrid for like 2 minutes... and she's so different. it's like a completely separate bicycle. she's so smooth and cooperative now. i don't know if i can handle it. i mean, she's not grade a beef if you know what i mean, but you wouldn't be able to tell by riding her now. :)

so now, i have to go to my ceramics class. and then i'll finally be finished with my day. i'd say it went pretty well.

how to write an essay

Day One:

open microsoft word, and an MLA-how-to

and make your cover page. don't put in a title yet, because you

have no paper. go to header and footer and insert page numbers.

Day Two:

make sure you have a three hour window, and stare at your

computer screen until you can write a sufficiently intelligent

opening paragraph. make sure you haven't read any information

about your topic yet, that comes later.

Day Three:

create a closing paragraph based on what you already know of

your material, and fill in an outline of how many topics you need

to reach 1,000 words.

you need at least a 6 hour window to have all of your reference

material's out in the open. switch back and forth between writing

and distracting yourself, and fudge out the rest of the paper.

don't concentrate too hard on what you're writing, just get it out of

your head. constantly check the word count until you have just enough

to pass the minimum.

Day Four:

Don't bother proofreading, print it out and turn it in...

success.

yesterday, i learned how to open a wine bottle. and, i opened a bottle for the customer. do you know how exciting this is? i feel so accomplished. and today, they finally taught me how to make the mango lassi, so i don't have to wait for other people to make it anymore. i can just go in the back and throw things together all by my lonesome. success. someone last night told me that i am very good at what i do. today, i would like to agree with them. tomorrow i will change my mind, something will happen, and i will feel depleted. but for right now, i am a waitress. rawr.

sometimes, i can't sleep. like tonight, and last night, and the night before. it's not that i'm not tired... i am. very much so. but it's like i'm scared to be unconscious. most of the time i try and find things to keep myself awake until i'm so tired, i kind of just knock out. uncontrollably.

is this okay? i don't know...

"i would like to sample you're DNA"

as if sometime... they're going to come back for a second helping... just seemed a little silly to me.

I was at shop rite the other day. Actually, I believe it was Wednesday. Just getting a few things for my picnic date. While I was walking towards my vehicle, a woman approached me and asked me if I was interested in being a beauty consultant for Mary Kay. She gave me all of this information about it. (Apparently they get 50%) I've been thinking about it quite a bit. Honestly, it does not seem to be that bad of an idea. However, I do not wear too much make up. Part of the deal is that we sell the product by wearing it. Also, I do not feel like there are too many people who really should be buying make up. I just cannot see myself trying to sell something that I do not believe in 100%. So I said no. There is a small part of me that feels almost giddy at the thought of being considered though. I know... I'm awful.

field trip.

lol, just posted that, without writing anything. so - this is an edit. :)

last thursday, my ceramics professor was like, oh- everyone needs to come to philly for nceca. and we were like... uhm what the heck is that. NCECA, is the national ceramics education something something... conference of america? whatever. so my prof. was all, you need to come, OR ELSE! and i was like... crap. i have to go to philly? alone? with my classmates that i don't talk to? joy... so we rescheduled class for tuesday, instead of thursday... which kind of put some kinks in my slinky if you know what i mean. while i was at "class" this girl ashley was all, do you want to carpool? and i was like... yeah, if you're driving. and she was like, well, everyone's taking the train, so i figured we would just meet up with them. so. we exchanged numbers, and were off. thursday comes around, we text each other to make sure we have the same meeting place/time. we get together. at first it isn't so bad, we're chatting, it's fine. no worries. then we pick up a friend of hers, and it get's a little awkward for me, because i've only known ashley for about two hours. so we drive to where we are supposed to meet everyone else to get to the train, and as soon as we get on campus, ashley's like "oh, i feel like they left, they're not here. i think they left" and she keeps saying it over and over again -_- so we keep looking for the other people. driving to a few different places in the parking lot, and finally, we find one of their cars. so we stop, and YAY they're there. so i jump out of the car, and we climb in the back of the next carpooling car. we start going, there is now 6 of us. and i'm in the back... trying not to feel weird. we wind up getting lost, and using the iphone to get a map. we make it to the train station... my first time taking PATCO to philly, but it wasn't that bad, very self explanatory. we get to philly, high-tail it 11 blocks, to where the rest of the group is waiting for us. we only go to 4 galleries. and then we're done -_- we stopped at a place to eat after the first 3 places. and i got an a-mazing sandwich. fresh mozzarella, basil, oregano, tomatoes, on a baguette with balsamic vinegar. it was so yummy. after the last gallery we did the reverse of above... and i came home. there were a few exciting things. like the actual shows, were fairly neat. i have a few favorites. and there were lots of those postcards. i have a bunch. :) OH. and we were on the second floor of a building, trying to get on the elevator. the doors open, and this guy walks out, and then the doors start closing, and so i put my arm out, but the doors didn't stop! they just kept going! everything was in slow motion! and then when the door started squeezing my arm a little, they opened. it was so scary!!!

when i got home, i had this crazy craving for ice cream, so we went to the movies instead. :P i dragged my sister and my dad to go see How to train your dragon. and actually, it was really good! i was freaking out a little. it really tugged on my heart strings. that, or, i just have a very low stress tolerance. C:

and today! i went shopping. i have a pretty blue dress.

oh lately it's so quiet.

for part of yesterday, and so far, this morning... i've been feeling a bit more re-energized with myself, my outlook, and my need to sing loudly in my car. i'm not really sure what it is.

yesterday, we started our new system at work. which means, i get to wear an apron. yes. and it is wonderful. yes. who knew that something so small would give you such a boost like that. ah...

today, i have my pottery class, because on thursday, we're going to philly. not sure how it's going to go. but hopefully i'll get to talk with my classmates today about it.

also, read othello last night for class. ohmygoodness. so many emotions. we're discussing it today, i have no idea what to say... it was just BOOOOOOOM!

i don't know how much longer i can stand this... coming home every night without any recognition of human existence. with no compassion.

completely exhausted, and crying into my pillow because my life isn't where i want it. my relationships aren't what i want them to be. my outlook isn't where i should be.

this isn't living. this isn't existing.

i can't pretend to be alive anymore.

worries.

i was listening to talk radio the other day, which is either one of the best inventions, or the worst. there's all of this talk going on about tiger woods, and jesse james. pretty much, the story is that these married men, decided to have numerous affairs outside of their marriages. the radio host's theory was that men, are better at compartmentalizing things, than women are. so they can have their married life, where they are head over heals in love with their wife. and also, have these affairs that are -in their mind- not "affairs" but instead, encounters that are completely separate. sort of like how men are better at solving problems because they can look on things rationally, instead of putting their emotions into it, the way that women do. my first immediate reaction, was, we better not let men get a hold of this information, because then that will be the excuse for everything. oh honey, it doesn't effect my relationship with you at all, because i love you, that other thing wasn't in any way connected. it's just how i compartmentalize things sweetie. you're the one for me. (the ONE for me)

is this what our men have come to? that it's completely impossible to have a relationship without infidelity? false. because it's happened. relationships have survived without extramarital businesses. so apparently it's possible. just not for the man of today? no?

this absolutely terrifies me. like this is a warning of my future. i'm going to wake up 30 years from now, finding out that my husband has been having affairs, and i'm going to confront him. and he's going to laugh and say, but babe, it's just separate. and walk away while i'm having a mental break down.

it's not okay to give ourselves excuses to behave badly. it's not okay to say, well, i can sleep with her, because it doesn't mean anything. it's not okay to make someone trust you, and then abuse it. and what i'm worried about, is that for the past couple thousand years, all we've been doing, is finding the loopholes, and getting away with murder.

handcuffs.

i have great respect for houdini. even more so, now that i have watched the history channel special on him. apparently, after his mother died, houdini became really anti-spiritualism. (as in, calling up the dead...) he felt like the mediums were taking advantage of the individual's loss and using the tricks to completely deceive them. and of course houdini is the master trickster, so he very quickly was able to recognize and pick them apart. he had this whole campaign against the mediums, and would trap them. and expose them as frauds. which is really quite amazing. and he knew that when he died people would try to bring him back, so he made this code with his wife, and said. if you are able to do this, this is what i will say, and if i don't, you know it's fake. which i thought was -strange, definitely, but it shows some very specific planning and insight on his part. anyways. thought that was interesting....

shakespeare.

the first day of my literature class, at least the first one that i attended, my professor explained to us that we were going to have to recite a poem. after dreading the day these were due for the past month or two, it finally came. today was the day. there were four choices. of those, i picked shakespeare, and memorized it last night. today, i was thinking, wouldn't it suck to go first. because then that person would be stuck sitting in the class, listening to the 25 other people try to get as many points as they could... so i was reciting this in my head, the whole morning. finally got to class. sat down. and my professor was lecturing us for about 20 minutes (which is just the perfect amount of time for one to stress out in anticipation of future embarrassment) then he slowly walked to the back of the room, "and the first person is.... Carly" really? gah! and BOOOM! I started freaking out. and i walked up there, and it took me a while to remember my first word. and then it took me a while to remember my second line. and then it the third, and fourth... i stumbled through the whole thing. i didn't mess up, i was just slow. so i ended up getting full credit. but it was a rough ride. and then... right when i sat down, the whole sonnet went right through my head no problem. no errors. face palm. yarg. and i had to listen to everyone else. say their poem. :/ sigh. oh well. it's over, i'm done. and now...... yay nap.

saturday night fever.

uhm. okay.

just watched -kind of- (i read the summary) and saw some parts of the beginning and middle. and honestly. i'm not that impressed. i don't get what all of the hubbub is about. it wasn't a very good movie.

oh my goodness.

kitchen nightmares.

so much drama

so much -i can't take my eyes off this-

really?

i have, a dentist phobia. he has "fixed" this tooth, two times

before, and yet still, there is a problem? when you fix it, it's

not supposed to be broken. that's how that works... but it's

not okay for me to say that maybe he's not doing it right?

no? it's not okay for me to say that maybe he missed

something? that's not okay?

get off your effing high horse.

Who does your dishes when you wake up in the morning. You’re too busy to rinse out your mess. Or when you get home and are too tired to notice the pile. You say you’re working on important things. You’re inspired. Sometimes you’re tired… other times you just don’t want to get your hands dirty. Who will do your dishes when you’re out of town. Or when aunts come to visit and eat lasagna on your porcelain… or after that late night stress binge. Or all of those containers you used when you had the urge for pancakes?

ah. spring.

this is the time of flip-flops and short skirts, light jackets, and picnics. also, after sporadically shaving my legs over winter, we are back to the once a week routine. bleh. so in order to take advantage of this lovely ritual. i am planning on wearing a skirt tomorrow. but then the weather was all -i'mma electrocute your hopes and dreams- and i was all, oh no she diniinnt.

my morning, was really gross today. i woke up tired, and went to my class. where i forgot to do the reading assignment, and was freaking out that i would have to fail my quiz. but, luckily, my professor just decided to yell at us the whole time. and get angry because we do not measure up to his standards. see, i would normally, just shrug this off, and accept that he is really looking out for our best interests. but... okay starting from the beginning. i go into the class, and he hands out our multiple choice part of the exam. and then proceeds to go over every question, and comment. i am very annoyed. then he gives us our essay final. that has our extra credit question in it. while we were taking our multiple choice exam, he gave us this sheet for extra credit, and called us all up to the front to answer the questions about an object. the object was an indulgence. and we were supposed to answer questions like, what is it, when was it given and why, did he have to pay for it blah blah blah. and apparently there were only two people who got all 5 questions right. i got 4 because i didn't bother to answer the what is its purpose question because it didn't specify if it was talking about past or present... but my professor started yelling at us about how we weren't very good students if we couldn't take the 5 easy points that he was giving us. and then he started yelling at us about our essays. the previous class, he gave us the five possible essay questions. he told us that there would be three on the test, and we would have to pick one. so today, he got angry that people chose the easy question -myself included. telling us how you never want to answer the easy question, you want to answer the hard question. and then decided that it would be a good idea to insult our opinions of school. that this wasn't high school, and that we needed to step up to the plate, and have standards. we need to accept responsibility for our academics. and then went on the if you want to get good grades, you need to do this this this, and this. if you want to pass this class, you need to read the book. you need to study lecture. which is all fine and good. the first 30 times he gave it to us... i understand that people learn by repetition, but really? do you just forget that you tell us these things? i've heard all of his lectures at least 5 times. he just kept going on and on and on, and getting louder and louder, and way more offensive. and then this quiet girl tried to ask him a question, she tried to confront him, because he basically was calling all of us ignorant. she told him that she felt like he was attacking her personally because she answered the easy question, and she got a c. and he basically ripped her head off, screaming and yelling all the more. i was really upset... he kept telling us how this was college, not 13th grade. really? this is bcc. this is where you go, when you don't have enough money to go anywhere else, this is a stepping stone... not the real deal. this isn't 13th grade? no? then why do you keep holding my hand? why do you keep telling me the same information over and over again? why do you give me EXTRA CREDIT? why did you give me the essay question before my test? hmm? because if you really wanted to make sure that i was learning, wouldn't you restrict the amount of help that you're giving me? honestly, all i'm doing is regurgitating the information that you force feed me, and i'm passing your class right? why do i need to try? why should i try if you're handing me my grade? if your standards are SO HIGH why are you working at a community college? are we burdening you by paying to take your class? hmm? this is comparative religion! this is a class you take to get more credits! i seriously doubt that if someone goes into an interview and they're checking the classes, they're going to be like, "oh no, i'm sorry... we can't hire you, because you didn't take comparative religion. sorry.... you fail at life"

i answered the easy question, i got a c. i'm not really too ripped up about it. i know full and well what kind of student i am, where i stand with my grades. i don't really have the motivation to do anything else. and i'm sorry if that's difficult to understand. do i deserve to be yelled at? no. did i deserve a c? no. i may not be the best writer, but i answered the question, all parts of it. he took off a whole letter because i didn't elaborate on one specific sentence. i can understand a few points. but a whole letter? he took off another letter because i had the word "undetermined" in place of a phrase he thought was more expressive. and a point or two for various other unspecified reasons. tell me that's fair.

do you know what really grinds my gears? my professors will start talking, and they'll say one of those phrases with the curse word in there. like "what the hell?" or "oh shit" or you know... whatever. but instead of being honest about cursing in the classroom, they whisper it. because somehow that makes it waaay less obvious.

milestone.

last night, i had a conversation with my father, that wasn't terrible. it should be noted. this is the first time, in a long time that we have actually talked. he didn't yell at me. or belittle me. or anything like that. it was an actual conversation. and he only monopolized it a little bit. but i actually felt like he was a person.

in other news. i think i may have found my calling.

in other other news. i completely broke down at work today... i didn't get to bed last night until around 2. and i woke up at 7, so i was feeling pretty tired to begin with. the whole shift, i was sluggish, and trying not to interact with the people more than i needed to. i didn't want to look angry or upset, and have them get the wrong impression. but, i was walking around, and i just got this huge overwhelming feeling of emptiness. of this terrible feeling of loneliness and abandonment. i couldn't handle it. i had to take a few minutes to collect myself. and then peter called, and it all came out. it was a 2 second conversation. but i couldn't stop. and then. it was gone. just like that. and i'm fine. not exactly the most sociable person at the moment. but, i think i'll be okay.

it's here

it's here, and i've been waiting for the past 3 weeks. it would have been here yesterday but no one was here to answer the door. i've been up for the past 3 hours. and i'm panicking. because i just want it. it's so silly. soon. it will be here.

my sister's birthday was on tuesday. we had to celebrate on monday night because mom and i were both working tuesday. birthday's aren't really a big deal in my family. if we don't forget. we don't really bother to remember. my mom does this thing where she'll offer to cook a meal, whatever you want to eat. and a cake. (sometimes it's just the cake) but then she'll complain about how much you're making her do. and if you don't say how much you love it, if you don't tell her how good it is, she'll whine. and she'll be sluggish when it comes to the next thing that you ask her to do. (she's really good at making you feel guilty) my sister has four birds. she's had them since she was in kindergarten. they were especially for her. because my brother and i had the cats. monday morning when she woke up, one of them was dead. so of course the whole day was trash. that night, we had her dinner. and my dad was late. because he had forgotten to get her presents. so he went out to get her two barbies. except he didn't tell anyone that he was going to be late. so we had the dinner ready for 5:30, when he gets home. he didn't get home until 7:20. we were just waiting around for him. and when he got there, he was in one of these really abrasive moods. pushing everything in everyone's faces. before we cut the cake, he had a phone call. he left and talked on the phone while we were about to cut her birthday cake. he missed it.

There's this place near where i work, and it's called Artrageous Creations. it's a studio where you go, and buy one of the ceramic pieces they have available, and you paint it. their studio is yellow and covered in flowers, and all of these plates and cups and statues. there are just so many different things. it's adorable. yesterday, i wrote my sister a note, and told her that i had a surprise for her. i picked her up early from school, and drove her down. i kept telling her there was a surprise, and i wasn't going to tell her. when we finally got there, she got to look at all of the things, and i told her she could pick whatever she wanted. anything. she picked this cute winged fairy sitting on a stone. (i picked a holey sushi bowl. it's the one with the hole for the chopsticks. it's adorable) and we got to go over to the paint station, and pick as many different colors as we wanted. she got reds and browns. there were these paints, that had these specks in them, and when they fire it, they kind of explode, so you end up with this beautiful rich color with these speckles... i got a deep reddish maroon color, and a powder blue. and then a dark blue for my elephant. and we sat down. and got to paint. it was so much fun. we were just sitting at this adorable table. talking and painting these pieces. after we left, i told her we could go wherever she wanted to eat. (i wanted to take her to one of those cute sit down places. nothing fancy, but just have the two of us sit down, and order off the menu.) but she was telling me that she doesn't like to eat at sit down restaurants because then everyone can see her eating, and it makes her feel gross. so we went to mcdonalds. through the drive through. she got a happy meal. and we both got shamrock shakes. (my first time ever having one. they're amazing)

and we came home....

she seemed really excited. i really wanted to make it up to her. she's 10. how awful would it be if she looked back on this as the shitty birthday.

we pick up our pieces next wednesday. we're both freaking out :)

que?

whenever people ask me who i am. my first instinct is to say, "carly". that is who i am. but that isn't really what they mean. right? they want to know what i am. that's harder to answer...

trained

i was taught to think of sex, as something dirty. as a sin. as something that, if i ever did, or if i ever wanted to do, god would strike me down. dead. one of the things that we don't realize as we get older, is how literally we used to take things when we were younger. for a time, we don't know how to reason, or now to question. we know that what mommy says is right, is right. and what she says is wrong, is wrong. and that is our whole world.

my parents used to refer to sex as "special loving" they used this phrase because one day our guinea pigs started to get a little frisky, and my brother and i of course had to ask. to their credit, we were young, and they probably thought it was a little too early to explain things to us. (although that kind of thinking never stopped them from explaining anything else to me. but, whatever.) i have come to hate this terminology. and i really wish that they hadn't used it to symbolize sex. because love is supposed to be a pretty great thing in and of itself. your parents are supposed to love you, and that is always supposed to fix everything. when a child has no knowledge of sex, and you throw this foreign term at them, they don't think about sex, they think you're telling them that you love mommy or daddy more than you love them.

i was used to feeling like my mother loved other things more than me. you spend your time focusing on what you love. i don't remember my mother ever playing with me. she would send me to my room, or ignore me while i played in the living room. mommy why are you watching those soaps. mommy why are you watching football. mommy why are you going to work. and yet i idolized her. i would go to her closet and wear her shoes, and try to walk down the stairs to show her. i always fell.

i have a fairly strong moral compass. now. i didn't always. when i was younger, i used to get in trouble a lot. because i didn't understand why things were "wrong" or why i wasn't "supposed" to do this, or that. things didn't stick for me. when we moved to tennessee my dad started getting more and more stressed out. i think i've told this story before, but no matter. my parents didn't think it was necessary to tell me a specific age that i would be allowed to have a boyfriend, or that i could date, or start to like boys. they never said anything like that. and so, at the ripe age of 9, when i decided that i was ready to have my first kiss, i didn't think anything of it. but when they found out, all of the sudden, i was supposed to have magically known that was unacceptable. my dad was so angry. he sat me down in my room. (i started escaping to my room when i got to stressed out, so it doesn't surprise me that he would violate my sanctuary, and just be stationary in a place that was safe for me. so i couldn't escape, and i had to talk to him. and even when he left, i would feel like my room was against me. maybe he didn't do it on purpose, but it felt like it) he yelled at me about his mother, and about all of these other women who had gotten pregnant, and who were all over the place with their man-lovers. my dad doesn't really yell, but he gets really loud. and he was just getting louder and louder, making sure that i knew it was wrong. it was wrong wrong wrong.

if you keep going like this, by the time you're 13, you're going to be a slut. you're going to be all over the place with so many different boys, and no one is going to want you. and there's a chance you could get pregnant. and if you get pregnant, there is no way you are allowed to come and live, in my house. if you think you're old enough to have sex, i think you're old enough to think about finding a new place to live.

no one is going to want you. i am not going to want you. god won't want you. i was 9. all they had to do, was tell me they didn't want me to kiss anyone. set an age limit. you're not allowed to date until you're 17. or something like that. but it was like, i found this box by accident one day, and when i decided to open it, it exploded.

i thought this was normal. and everyone knew that you weren't supposed to have sex. when i would find out that people i knew had started, it would completely change my opinion of them. i was disgusted with young married couples who were pregnant. because in order to get pregnant. you need to have sex. and sex isn't okay even if you're married.

this was how i thought. all the time. even up until my senior year. i hated talking about sex with pastor dave in leadership bible, because he's a pastor. pastors aren't allowed to talk about sex. and i kept getting so angry with myself, because i couldn't understand why i hated it this much. why i was so uncomfortable with this concept. there's nothing wrong with it. and when i started becoming aware of why i was like this, why i was this person, i was so disgusted with myself. so angry, and ashamed.

it's been a year, and i still haven't completely gotten over it. it's kind of an interesting thing to have to re-learn. sex is not synonymous with sin.

melt my heart to stone

"and i hear your words that i made up, you say my name like there could be an us. i best tidy up my head i'm the only one, in love. i'm the only one in love." (melt my heart to stone by adele, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eT4jCoWI4A this part starts at 0:56.)

i can't remember the actual month that we went, but around the end of my senior year we took a trip to the art museums in DC. there were so many things that struck me at the time, like how much the louise bourgeois exhibit impacted me. that was where i got my first taste of dubuffet and fell head over heels. even before i saw the sculptures. there was also this one piece that i found really quite fascinating. but i forgot to get the name of the artist. the other day, i found a picture of a piece that i was 100% sure was his. his name is Ron Mueck. and he makes these sculptures of people. they're huge, but perfectly proportioned, and they're rather magnificent. not just because they look real, but because they are real. he pays so much attention to detail. not only in features and textures... but the actual surface looks like skin. he must have put so many layers on them. there are all of these veins and pores, the skin isn't just a solid color. there are gradations in value. and it's kind of unbelievable that he would be able to master it. it kind of just makes me wonder what happened to him, to make him work on things so meticulously, so passionately.

i guess that's really all i have for tonight.

cleaning bug

i keep trying to clean my room. but everything is already clean. there isn't anything left to rearrange, or put back in it's place... or hang up, or put in the hamper, or pack. or dust. i've done everything already. i kind of want to mess something up so i can fix it. literally, not figuratively. so i guess really, all i need to do is brush my teeth and go to bed... but

gah. i want to clean.

smidgen.

sometimes i forget how to do things. like how to hold a piece of paper with my left hand. or how to put my foot on the brake peddle. or how to drink something. or how to blink.

and don't laugh okay? because it's true. it happens to me all the time. like an epidemic. and when it does i have to concentrate really hard on how to remember. but for a few seconds i'm going really slow. sometimes it helps to try with the opposite side. like picking up something with my right hand and then mimicking with my left.

i dropped a glass today. and i dropped one last night. last night i was really upset with a few of my co-workers, because i didn't feel like they were doing their job. raman and i were running around doing everything and the other one's just kind of stood around and twiddled their thumbs. so i was in the back trying to dry the ice cream bowls. and i was fuming. i was really upset, because it was busy. and time was taking forever to pass, and i kept feeling like they were belittling me. and i just, i guess i didn't understand. and i was getting stuck in this awful train of thought and it just slipped out of my hand. and i freaked out. i jumped, and i covered my face, and i just stood there. i was so ashamed. and then i remembered how to move, and i went to go get the broom but my boss was like, no let someone else do it, because it will go through your shoes. i kept trying to do something because there was so much, and no one was doing anything, and i was freaking out, there were so many times when i was seconds away from breaking down.

but i don't know why i broke one today... it just fell out of my hands, and i kept trying to catch it. but it was going in slow motion, and i was moving too fast. and then it just hit. and it broke. but i cleaned it up, and i moved on.

recently

i've been around all of these strangers. all of these unfamiliar faces. and i can't help but think of them in some of their most intimate moments. i'm not really sure why... just the dumbest stuff. like meeting the love of their life, or learning that their grandfather has cancer, or finding out that their child has a disease. or going to the bathroom, or making dinner for their significant other on valentines day. even having sex.... and i try to shake these thoughts out of my head, but they just pop in, uninvited... and i have to get myself to think of other things. and every time, i feel like i'm stealing a piece of their life that i was never meant to see.

there are many things about the jewish faith that i find interesting

especially the idea that when people die, they are okay with saying

"i don't know what's happening to them, but i'll find out one day"

there isn't this urgency to figure out if their loved one is in heaven

or hell, or if they're just sleeping, or what have you.

which is something that i find extremely contrasting with the

adventist point of view - which is the one that i have had the most

experience around.

there seems to be this trend going on, in the sda circles, or this

need, to know everything. we know how to explain this verse to you

or we know what this means, or we can tell you if this person is the

spawn of satan, or we can tell you if your great grandfather's cousin who

immigrated from austria, is going to be in heaven based on a half true

account of his life, and the paper he signed when he got off the boat

we can tell you this. because we know.

i grew up in a house with people who were smarter than me. my

dad still believes he has the key to the universe. my brother refuses

to accept any opinion but his own, my sister only sees in black and

white, and my mother is too tired to say much of anything. there have

been so many pointless arguments between us, just because

we haven't figured out how to say, "you're right" or, "i can see where

you're coming from" i used to get so frustrated with them, until

i realized that i started doing the same thing. who am i to judge?

i stopped asking my dad questions when i realized that he would

just make me feel dumb. people stopped asking me questions when

they realized that i would try to make them feel dumb. i'm trying to

learn. honestly... but can i blame them for this part of myself?

there was this attitude that WE are perfect, and everyone else

just doesn't realize it yet.

there was the same attitude towards the church. my dad has not

had too much luck with teaching. because he likes to ruffle feathers

he likes to make sure the people know how smart he is. so when

he starts belittling the people in higher positions, they get angry.

and we end up moving. we moved when i was 7, because he would

have gotten fired if we stayed. we moved when i was 8 because he

couldn't even last a year in a different school. we moved when i was

11 because he decided that he wanted to pick on his boss's son.

he got fired when i was 13 because he had to make the pastor angry in

march (the pastor was planning on leaving in august). he didn't get tenure

when i was 16. and then he stopped teaching. i never once heard him say

"this is my fault" no. it was always the churches fault. how is that

supposed to affect the children? i went to sabbath school with the

idea that my friends were out to get me. i think, that if there was something

like this, with a pattern... at some point you're going to need to say,

i'm wrong. this isn't my calling.

my family will pick on my sister, because she's young, she's arrogant,

and because she doesn't know how to ask them to stop without being

in their faces (which of course eggs them on, especially my brother)

at first it's all fun and games, but then she starts taking it seriously

and when it's all said and done, she ends up crying her eyes out,

and locking herself in her room. i remember doing the same thing.

she's going to look back on this when she gets older, and say that

the family tortured her. and they're going to look right back at her

and say it's her fault.

i reject people who say they have answers. i reject religions that

say they can solve my questions, my problems. that they can

turn my life around. i reject people who seem to think that i need

their input in places i didn't ask them to look. i reject arrogance.

sometimes, it's not about the answer. i want the freedom to

have my question. i want to know that there are some things that

just can't be answered. i want to believe in something that

i don't quite understand. i refuse to accept that life is some giant math

problem, and i just need the right formula.

:{D

i've been trying to get nathanael to grow a mustache ever since i can remember. and so this is a letter i wrote to him. that he can fold over, and put right under his nose :{D hahahaha. i'm so excited!

and the madness begins

this weekend is valentines day weekend. and for restaurants, this this the busiest weekend of the year. i knew that i was destined to work on sunday. and my boss asked me to work tomorrow night too. and since we had a snow day on wednesday, and since i'm not coming in next sun. mon. tues. i figured i could really use the extra cash. sigh... so tomorrow, instead of staying in my pajama's all day, i get to run around making sure that every couple has the best darn night of their lives. but it's all good. i'm actually kind of excited about it. today there was this cute couple. i'd say they were pushing 80. they were so pleasant . and i don't even care that they only left a one dollar tip. because they were adorable. and it was my honor to serve them. i'm kind of thinking this is how the whole weekend is going to go...

tonight, i am just sad... that is all.

last night i was driving home from work. it was snowing. all day i had been listening to the weather reports saying that it was going to be a "snowpocolips" i was working the dinner shift. around 7 it started to fall. i was getting nervous because i had to drive home by myself. i couldn't understand why people kept coming in. all of the reports were warning people to stay home, to try and avoid as much of it as they could. but they kept coming in. ordering take-out. wanting to stay for hours drinking wine and pretending that there wasn't anything going on outside at all. our last pair of customers left at 9:40. i hobbled outside and brushed the snow off of my car... i started going home, scared because this was only the second time that i had driven in snow. it kept falling... i was going 35 and then all of the sudden i hit ice. my car started swerving so i stopped giving it gas, and i was trying to get control of it again, but it just kept going faster and faster, and there were cars next to me, i wanted to tell them to watch out. that they were going to get hit but i couldn't say anything. i couldn't even breathe. i was trying so hard, but i couldn't find my air. i was frozen, just babbling and breathing. but it wasn't working. i felt like i was suffocating, watching my car swerve and turn around in the wrong direction, sliding towards the median. i kept waiting for it to hit. to feel myself react from impact. but i couldn't feel anything. i had been on the phone with steevo, but i hung up, and started bawling my eyes out. these huge sobs that just kept coming. i kept crying and trying to breathe, and wiping the tears out of my eyes so that i could wiggle my car back in the right direction. it couldn't have been more than few minutes, but it felt like years. i was just pouring out my soul, hearing it everywhere, this unabashed panic breaking out of my chest.

i hate walking through my house at night. because everyone is asleep. i hate knowing that i'm the only one awake. maybe because i watched too many horror movies or something back in the day. but it's like i can feel the eyes on the back of my neck. or i can see faces in the shadows or behind me in the mirrors. it kind of sucks too, because some days i get this urge at like 2 in the morning to clean. and i clean and clean and clean and clean until my room is spotless. and everything is in its place. and my drawers are all closed. and the laundry is set out for me to do in the morning. and all of my books are where they should be. and everything is just set right where it's supposed to be. it makes me feel better before i go to sleep. but when i clean, i have trash. or something to take to the kitchen. or something that belongs in the bathroom mirror. and i need to venture out. but i hate going. because it doesn't feel right. and i feel scared. and cold. and... all by myself. and sometimes, i just can't handle that.

one of those girls

every boy wants a holly golightly. or and edie sedgewick. or a franny. every boy want's the kind of girl with the oscar wilde sense of humor. the girl who says things that sound silly, but you know they mean more than the words. the type of girl they can't quite figure out. the one who refuses to tell you her secrets, but when she does, he know's he'll never forget. not in a million years. the type of girl who's unmistakably beautiful, graceful, tiny. the type of girl who's bold. who will fall asleep on his shoulder with very little clothing, trusting that he won't take advantage. the type of girl who will take risks. the kind of girl who will never be ordinary.

every girl wants to be a holly golightly. or an edie sedgewick. or a franny. but we're not.

i would be the kind of girl to wear mens shirts and leggings if i had the body for it. i wouldn't wear make up if i had the face to go without it. i wouldn't wear eyeliner if i didn't have my fathers eyes. i wouldn't want to lose weight if i had a regular looking body.

my body is a cage. (and every time i listen to that song, i tear up) the person i want to be, is stuck inside my head. and i can't let them out, because the inside and the outside don't match. and no, you can't just do it anyway. because as much as you say the insides are more important, you have to get to know the insides. you can't just see them when you walk up.

i will never be tiny. that's what i've wanted my whole life. i've wanted to be small. someone that you could carry around in your pocket. big is not beautiful.

this is not okay

i guess i should thank you. for taking it upon yourselves to be my personal messenger. i guess now it saves me the trouble of telling everyone myself. except you never checked with me. you never asked if it was okay. you just decided to go and display this to the rest of the world. like a messenger pigeon that delivers the top secret folder to the enemy. don't you think if i had wanted you to know, i would tell you? if i was ready to talk about it, i would? it's a funny feeling now, to know that people are talking about this. they're analyzing me. but you know the real kicker? now it's not happening. mhmm. do you know who has to deal with the backlash? not you, me. "oh, well i wasn't sure if it was true or not" no? you didn't? really? you just thought it was okay to tell people whatever then.... is that right? yeah no. now i'm the one going around doing damage control while you're sitting there having a grand old time talking about how this was just a stunt. or something dumb like that. the next time you feel like talking, why don't you do everyone a favor and shut your face. sooner or later it's going to be you, and you're going to have no one to blame but yourself.

throw-back

i was just looking through the old files.... i found some of you too.

sometimes, when i'm upset, i go driving. which is dangerous, because i'm usually listening to music that makes me cry. or that alters my mood... and i can't help but think about crashing. just turning my wheels a little to the right to hit the telephone poles.

there are so many things they never told me about god. or things that i never thought to ask about. they say that when you die, you're asleep... so can i still dream? what about those people who have those experiences where they're dead for a few seconds... or minutes. but then they are revived. or resurrected.

what's going to happen to my soul when i die? sometimes i feel like people aren't just given a soul, they have to earn it. i need to prove that i've done something with my time here. maybe that's why some people get to die twice. because you're not allowed to die until you've gotten your soul. sometimes i try to let my body act by itself. i try not to tell it what to do, so that it will have practice when i'm no longer in it.

god is the wind. why do you believe in something that you can't see? why do i believe in the wind?

why do i believe in souls? because i believe in the wind.

i can't help what i am, even more than you can help what you are.

sometimes i just want to take everything i love, put it all together in a pile in my room. and rip it all to pieces. shred every last part of it. and set it on fire. just get rid of it....

if i don't belong here, it doesn't either

my french whore

not as good of a book as i had originally thought. i still stick to my gene wilder fan-ness. but, he's not a very good writer. the whole book was missing major literary elements. like description. and transitions. i felt like i was reading a play. but without all of the stage cues. it was one of those things that could have been something amazing, but ended up just falling flat. tonight i'm just disappointed.

synonyms.

i bought music the other day... i know that i should be saving my money for "trip" but, you know how sometimes you just get sick of the tunes in your head. you can only listen to songs so many times... and i had a little extra cash from my last paycheck. and i ended up getting like 36 songs... :) i got a little more peggy sue. and i've been wanting to get ADELE for a while... i just love love love her voice. and i found this artist pomplamoose. they do a really amazing cover of single ladies. so, all this week, i've been listening to them. so far. there are a few tunes i absolutely adore. from pomplamoose, they have this song expiration date, and the part that goes "i'd like to get over, i'd like to get over you, ooo ooo oOo Ooo" gets stuck in my head all the time. i haven't really listened to peggy sue yet. and from adele, i really like chasing pavements. and then cold shoulder. the chorus for that one is like "when you grace me with your cold shoulder, whenever you look at me i wish i was her, you shower me with words made of knives, whenever you look at me i wish i was her" honestly, i sing it all the time when i'm driving to work.

my classes started. i'm working 5 days a week (i got my first 5-day paycheck... i am okay with these new pay arrangements :) so far things have been going okay. first class: comparative religion. my professor is really in-depth. today was the third class, and we're still going over introductory things. and usually that would bother me, but it's really interesting, and it's one of those things that you can tell, when it gets to more complicated things, he's really going to take the time to explain everything so that there is no confusion. it's kind of strange though too, because he asks questions that i have no idea how to answer, and when he calls on people, they automatically know the answer. i feel like i'm coming from a completely different perspective. but, i think it's going to be good. as long as he doesn't call on me. i just have to try really hard not to make eye contact ;) second class: introduction to music. meh. i'm not too impressed. my professor is really arrogant. but i can't get out of it. and so far, nothing weird has happened. he's said a few things that i disagree with. and i think, maybe sometime we'll end up arguing. but, maybe not... i don't really feel like being made into an example. third class: english composition II. my professor is really quiet. and surprisingly i only have 2 essays to write the whole semester. which is very... easy. and i have a recitation, and quizzes and stuff, which is pretty normal. but the story and poem line up for the semester, is very exciting. fourth class: ceramics. definitely going to be awesome. yesterday was the first class. we have three projects, maybe a fourth depending on how soon we finish. and yesterday we made four pinch pots, and four coil pots. it took me 2 hours and 20 minutes. it's a four hour class, but i was really surprised by how quickly the time flew by. i'm sitting at a table with two older women, and they knew each other. they were cracking jokes the whole time. :) it was hilarious. all in all. the semester is looking really bright for me. and then summer....... it's going to be a good year.

my dad's birthday is on sunday. i was going to take him down to the restaurant, but i'm working. he said he wanted to have a family dinner. so we're going on wednesday. it's weird though, because i've never eaten there... and i don't know if it's going to be weird or not. i don't know if my boss is going to be like, oh you're free during wed. dinner? how come you aren't working? i don't know if i'm going to be stressing out that we're just taking up space... so i don't know... i'm definitely going to give them warning.