when i say something dumb. something that i know is offensive. something that i know that i don't mean. something that would never escape my face if i was awake. i tend to dwell on it. i can't let it go. it's like i'm slapping myself. because that is the kind of thing that i want to distance myself from. to run as far away as physically and mentally possible. and it just comes back. creeps up, and shoots out like some internal death ray. and right now i just want to cry. because these things never need to be said. or thought. and they're all in my head.