there are many things about the jewish faith that i find interesting

especially the idea that when people die, they are okay with saying

"i don't know what's happening to them, but i'll find out one day"

there isn't this urgency to figure out if their loved one is in heaven

or hell, or if they're just sleeping, or what have you.

which is something that i find extremely contrasting with the

adventist point of view - which is the one that i have had the most

experience around.

there seems to be this trend going on, in the sda circles, or this

need, to know everything. we know how to explain this verse to you

or we know what this means, or we can tell you if this person is the

spawn of satan, or we can tell you if your great grandfather's cousin who

immigrated from austria, is going to be in heaven based on a half true

account of his life, and the paper he signed when he got off the boat

we can tell you this. because we know.

i grew up in a house with people who were smarter than me. my

dad still believes he has the key to the universe. my brother refuses

to accept any opinion but his own, my sister only sees in black and

white, and my mother is too tired to say much of anything. there have

been so many pointless arguments between us, just because

we haven't figured out how to say, "you're right" or, "i can see where

you're coming from" i used to get so frustrated with them, until

i realized that i started doing the same thing. who am i to judge?

i stopped asking my dad questions when i realized that he would

just make me feel dumb. people stopped asking me questions when

they realized that i would try to make them feel dumb. i'm trying to

learn. honestly... but can i blame them for this part of myself?

there was this attitude that WE are perfect, and everyone else

just doesn't realize it yet.

there was the same attitude towards the church. my dad has not

had too much luck with teaching. because he likes to ruffle feathers

he likes to make sure the people know how smart he is. so when

he starts belittling the people in higher positions, they get angry.

and we end up moving. we moved when i was 7, because he would

have gotten fired if we stayed. we moved when i was 8 because he

couldn't even last a year in a different school. we moved when i was

11 because he decided that he wanted to pick on his boss's son.

he got fired when i was 13 because he had to make the pastor angry in

march (the pastor was planning on leaving in august). he didn't get tenure

when i was 16. and then he stopped teaching. i never once heard him say

"this is my fault" no. it was always the churches fault. how is that

supposed to affect the children? i went to sabbath school with the

idea that my friends were out to get me. i think, that if there was something

like this, with a pattern... at some point you're going to need to say,

i'm wrong. this isn't my calling.

my family will pick on my sister, because she's young, she's arrogant,

and because she doesn't know how to ask them to stop without being

in their faces (which of course eggs them on, especially my brother)

at first it's all fun and games, but then she starts taking it seriously

and when it's all said and done, she ends up crying her eyes out,

and locking herself in her room. i remember doing the same thing.

she's going to look back on this when she gets older, and say that

the family tortured her. and they're going to look right back at her

and say it's her fault.

i reject people who say they have answers. i reject religions that

say they can solve my questions, my problems. that they can

turn my life around. i reject people who seem to think that i need

their input in places i didn't ask them to look. i reject arrogance.

sometimes, it's not about the answer. i want the freedom to

have my question. i want to know that there are some things that

just can't be answered. i want to believe in something that

i don't quite understand. i refuse to accept that life is some giant math

problem, and i just need the right formula.