i'm lost

It used to be, that when I was not blogging on a regular basis, I would be writing in my notebooks. When I was not writing in my notebooks, I was blogging. It seems as if, I have lost whatever part of me that was motivated towards those tasks. It is almost as if, I have lost the desire to speak. This is troublesome, for me at least. Perhaps this does not bother you at all. That is probably where the issue comes about. I used to believe that I was writing to a whole sea of people who would be affected by what I had to say. If you have read any of my posts, that idea is ludicrous. I write nonsense.

If you were to ask me right now, if I was happy with my life, I would say, "It's complicated". I do not believe I would feel completely honest saying either "yes" or "no". My life is kind of a mess at the moment. I am continuing an education that I feel is worthless, but I am too scared to discontinue it for fear of what that would mean. I am jealous that my friends get to live together at their colleges, and remain living in the dorm setting of our high school years. I spend half of my days at home, and the other half visiting Peter. I'm not sure I feel really "at home" at either location. Where am I supposed to fit?

That's it, maybe I don't feel like i fit anywhere. Sometimes I ask myself those questions like "where is my life headed" or "how will I have grown in ten years". Ultimately I end up getting myself upset because I can't answer them. What am I doing with myself now? I spend days writing papers for classes that I can't stand. I eat like a madwoman because I'm not sure how else to deal with the stress. I end up hating myself because I can't be like everyone else. How much longer can I function like this?

Sometimes I'm alright. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I end up bursting into tears for no apparent reason. Which is kind of how I feel right now. Maybe getting rid of all the negative energy will cleanse my spirit and free my mind. No, but it's a nice thought.

Today, my dad went to the E.R. He had chest pain. He's been there for a while now. They've run some tests, but they don't know what's wrong. It's not his heart, and it's not his lungs. Tomorrow they're doing a stress test and god knows what else... and I'm scared. It's either serious, or it isn't. The only thing is, I won't know which one for a while. I keep thinking about all of the things that could go wrong... How terrible it would be if something unspeakable happened. My family would fall apart. He's the glue. If he's gone, I won't stay.