who knows

i don't. this week has been going by really quickly... i'm not sure why. but i haven't really gotten sad or anything since my concert. i've just been living. okay, wait. i take that back. haha, i've been stressing out, because my parents need money. but they're saving up for me to go to college next semester. and they kind of have the attitude of, well if she doesn't want it, we don't have to give it to her. which would be fine, and in fact, that is what i told them for THIS semester. however. now that i have gotten a chance to think about what i really want to experiment with, i'm liking the idea, and i'm excited about going. i'm even playing with the idea of going into music performance. (maybe it's just on a whim, or because i talked with mr. flores, or because i saw andrew bird, or because i haven't sung in forever. i have no idea what the reason is. but right now, i really don't care. i want to take some music classes). everything is just so weird right now. my mom is mad at me. and i can understand. she's worried that i'm going to have some superabnormal influence on caleigh, and she's worried that she'll need to deal with two of us. so she's trying to force me to go to church. i'm just so tired of this. all of yesterday and the night before, i was trying to think of ways that i could move out, and go live my life. away from them. they're stressing me out. they're mad because i don't want to be a successful businesswoman. they're mad because i don't tell them when i make plans. they're mad because i don't feel like going to church. they're mad because i wanted earrings. they're mad because i work friday nights. they're just angry at me. all the time. if they don't want me here. it's okay. i can leave. i have no problem going somewhere else. i wouldn't mind paying them rent if i had to, and started living out in the garage (oooh but then chad and danielle's honeymoon suit would be gone... :P) it's not hard for me to see why they are particularly aggrivated. but at the same time. i really can't. they're frustrated because they want me to make money, and they want to see me loving adventism, and being a good influence to their 9 year old daughter. and right now, i can accept that getting a degree in something would really be helpful. and even if i only get one in liberal arts, at least i'll have something. but the truth is, i don't want to make vast amounts of money. i really don't. and i don't want to be adventist. i don't want to go to church. caleigh will need to make these choices someday for herself. right now, she's near that age when she's going to go to the extreme "do the right thing" phase, like we all did. but then after that, she's going to ask questions, like we all did. they can't protect her from my choices forever. the funny thing is. i have logical explanations... like when i wanted to get my ears pierced. i researched it. the main reason people pierced them back in the day, was so that they could belong to something a person, an idea, what have you. but i wanted to mark my journey, with this symbol. symbols are important to me. they're not important to anyone else in my family. i would talk to them, but they're just going to rip off the celing like they did the last time, and the time before that, and the time before that.... i know it must be hard for them. i symbolize everthing that they hate. i'm an environmentalist wacko, a hethen who refuses to see the light, one of those high school graduates, who will never amount to anything. they talk about these people all the time. whenever there's a story in the newspaper, they sit around and attack these people. but i'm one of them. and they can't stand it. honestly... i don't know what to do anymore. i'm constantly surrounded by people who hate me.

yuck.

today has gone by so slowly. last night i was near panicking because tonight i had to work the dinner shift. (friday dinner = one of the craziest EVER!) so i was freaking out, and i had an essay test today, i'm getting sick, so my body's tired. and i really just needed a break... so today, i woke up, and had to go back to sleep because i wasn't able to function... i ended up doing horrible on my test, and had to sit through my speech class listening to my professor telling me that i'm good for nothing because i don't have my next speech topic picked out. oh joy. i had to rush home, get dressed, drive out to monsoon... .and i was freaking out the whole way. until i walked in the door. which surprisingly... is how it has tended to work out for the past few times that i stress out about everything. i was in a pretty okay mood tonight... and instead of breaking down and crying all over the place... when all the things started happening, i laughed... it was the most freeing experience. still a long night, but things worked out... i got to give people the check tonight. which was good, because if they had asked for dessert, i wouldn't have known what to do! (i still don't know the menu very well... shame on me) and! tonight was payday. and my boss handed me an envelope of cash. very cool. sigh... this week has been kind of awful... i hate to say it. but i'm so glad that it's over. and i get to take a break! tonight, i'm going to sleep sooooo well (i hope) i'm NOT going to set an alarm, and then sunday, is my andrew bird concert. -freak out- it's looking like my mom will back out... so i don't know who is going to go with me. my brother is going to danielles tomorrow, and so it'll either be my dad or my mom. and honestly... i don't think either of them will enjoy it very much. i know that i'm going to be sitting there jaw open and about to pee myself haha (not literally) but if my mom comes, she'll complain that the music is too loud, or that she needs to go to the bathroom, or that she's tired, and want's to go home... and if my dad goes, he'll just sit and nod, and watch me have fun... and neither of these sounds like a fun time. sorry. but i know i'll enjoy myself anyway.... i haven't decided if i really want to go to the renaissance fair. it sounded like fun... but i'm gonna walk around, and then go to the concert where i'm standing... it seems like a pretty tiring day. i don't know. i'll figure it out. but tonight! AH tonight. i rest. :)

here's the deal

about a week ago, i took my sister to walmart, and we each bought a bag of candy. she got smarties, and i got dumdums. when we got home, we shared... i traded her the dumdums that i thought were nasty, for some smarties. and she traded me some smarties for the dumdums that she wanted. i ate a dumdum, and realized that they still do the "save wrappers for stuff" so we went online, and looked at the things that they had, and (they were all pretty weird looking.) there was the chapstick, that was flavored like the pops. it took us about two seconds to decide that we were going to do it. we've been saving these things for a few days. (the chapstick is only 20 wrappers and there are 80 pops in a bag) so tonight, we finally printed out the order form, and put them all in an envelope so we can get our chapstick.
it doesn't matter that i had to pay the $2.50 for the bag of dumdums, $3 for the chapstick that will probably taste like wax, $2 for the shipping and handling, and the cost of the stamp.... it doesn't matter. because in 6 TO 8 WEEKS when these things finally get here, my sister and i are going to open this package, and bask in the ambiene of this sister experience.

where did this start?

my parents want me to get counseling... how did this happen? i know that i get a little sad sometimes... but counseling? really? what is that going to do? i don't want to go sit in a room and poor out my life thoughts. it just seems unnecessary. like one of those things, that happens to other people....

sigh....

today, has been very interesting. very hard... and very long.
poor jacob had to deal with my nonsense this afternoon while
i was very near making some poor decisions. but i was able
to make it home... and mrs. manente called me! :D and i talked
with peter tonight... and i feel good. i feel better than i did earlier
but i'm a bit hungry now.

i don't know how it happened

i went on lastfm, and this song came up
and i almost burst into tears....

good times gonna come
aqualung

one of them.

i don't like going to sleep, because i'm scared i'll wake up and i won't remember. like i'm the sand at the ocean, and overnight, the water comes and steals my little pieces away. it's already happening... i feel as if i'm missing a part of me. everytime i wake up. i just want it to stop. things happen.... and then the next morning, i feel like i'm a million years ahead, and i can't remember how i felt, or what i did. i can't remember bma. i'm forgetting everyone else... and i can't help but think... maybe if i stay awake, they'll stay with me too, and i won't need to be afraid. there are so many things that i thought were important to me, but.... they just aren't anymore... they say the calm before the storm right? well, if that's true. i don't EVER want to be calm... i don't want to be happy, if this is what's coming next... today, i just feel wrong.... everything is off, and i can't fix it. i don't want to wake up, if i have to struggle for my existance every morning... sometimes, i think god's just playing a big joke on me... and someday, he's going to come, and say that i didn't try hard enough, or i didn't want to live bad enough... and i'm not going to be able to say otherwise.

was.

i was okay, and now i'm not...
i feel so strange. i know that i'm tired
and i know that i'm supposed to sleep well tonight, but something just feels off. i'm scared. and i need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay....

new experience.

last night, i had so much trouble going to sleep... i had to take another pill, i think it made it worse because i knew i had to go to work in the morning. i had a lot of trouble waking up too... it took me a good 3 hours to wake up. but i went to work, and i felt kind of grumpy. people started coming in right at 11:30, and they didn't stop. we had almost every table full for 3 hours. we also had two parties of 20. one came in, and then the other came in after they left. it was so crazy, i was clearing tables, and taking plates, and slipping all over the place... it was insane. i stayed a little later to help clear the food away, but then i had to go straight to my class, so i smelled bad... anyway. while i was working, this really adorable indian woman came up to me and was like "can i speak with you for a second?" and i was like, oh no... i probably spilled something on her or messed up her water, she's going to yell at me, and i'm going to cry, and it's going to be awful... but she was like... "my friend thinks you're really cute and he wants to know if he can have your number." i laughed. really? it just seemed so funny. stuff like that doesn't happen to me. so i was a sport, and wrote it down on a huggies advertisement haha... if he wasn't able to come up to me and ask, then there's a 95% chance he's not going to actually call me. i figured i was safe... the whole thing just seems so weird. i hope that no one else asks... i don't want to be a jerk and say no... but at the same time, if i say yes, they'll think that i'm interested, and i'm not. i don't want to be a rude person. ugh. i feel really strange... i'm supposed to be invisible. i was really counting on that part...
tonight, my cat came and sat on my lap, he was all cuddly, and it was adorable... i still miss it. i miss being able to cuddle with people. tonight, i'm going to sleep... and i'm not going to wake up to an alarm. that's right. i'm gonna sleep in. and in the morning, i'm going to make pancakes. and then i'm going to go exchange my pants, because they're snug.
and i still love you. i'm just cranky tonight. it's not your fault

three things

number one, i don't think i dreamed last night... the first night, in about a week i suppose, where i have not dreamed. and it felt so good, let me tell ya. i woke up, (early, around 6) feeling so... refreshed. except then i went back to sleep... and i woke up tired haha. so i guess it doesn't count. but at least there wasn't a dream anywhere in there.
number two. i forgot number two.
number three. i had my first day of work today. i was supposed to be there at 10AM. and i ended up walking up at 9:55. and the door was locked. and all the lights were off. so i figured... oh! maybe they wanted me to come from the back entrance... so i tried to walk around the HUGE STRIP OF STORES. (mine, just happens to be in the very middle. haha) so i walk around, but from the back, all of the stores look the same. so i gave up, and walked back around. sat and knocked for about 10 minutes. by this time, i am freaking out, with a capitol F. thinking that maybe the whole thing was a practical joke, and that they were just messing with me. but then this van full of my co-workers. comes up, and they let me in haha. so i start pretty much immediately. we clean, we DRINK CHAI! we mop... the first thing i was told to do, was get the ice, into the ice box. there's a counter where we keep the ice water for the buffet, and we have to keep refilling the pitcher ALL THE TIME. so there's a cooler inside of the table... and i got to put ice in it... there are only a few people that i've talked to. the only bad thing so far, is that i smell like food. and so do my clothes. they're in the washing machine right now.
did i mention that i am in a really good mood? i couldn't stop laughing when i was driving home. i had such a good experience... i really did.... i'm excited to go back! who can say that about their job... ?
i get to drink chai!
haha, sigh... i have an eye appointment tomorrow... and i think i'm going to see if i can go to the doctor for my foot, walking around all day made it hurt so bad... but at least i know that i am going to sleep very well tonight.
have i told you lately that i love you? because i do!
i do i do i do!!!!

priorities

last night, i had a dream and i was cooking and eating chocolate :) and it was so exciting. but then i fell back asleep and had a panic dream about starting my new job. i've been getting nervous because i haven't gotten a schedule yet. these scenarios where i get a call with an "oops, just kidding, we don't want you" keep going through my head. and so, this morning, this panic dream about working there... and how much i hated it... it was just awful.
i still need to find my purpose

fracture

last night i tried to go to bed, but i couldn't fall asleep, so i ended up taking a sleeping pill and drifting off somewhere between 2 and 2:30. the night before that, i had a breakdown because i was too scared to go to sleep. and tonight... i just feel tired. not the "i'm going to go to sleep" tired. but the fed-up kind of tired. i do not know, how long i can keep this up. i feel so passionless. like nothing i try to do will end up okay. like everything i touch will float away. my inspiration is gone... and i'm frightened.
tonight, i think i'm going to take a bubble bath... and read a book... and try not to think about anything. but i might dream. i dreamed last night, i can't remember what it was. i've been dreaming for the past 4 days, which is strange for me. i don't want to dream tonight. it's been stressing me out, i've been eating like a maniac...
when i was in 6th grade, i got tired of being fat, so i would set my alarm for 5AM, about 45 minutes before my dad would come and wake me up, and i would go take my bike and ride around for about 20 minutes then sneak back inside to catch a bit more sleep. i didn't tell anyone... i was ashamed. i still am ashamed. i was thinking about riding my bike around again... since i might have a more regular schedule... it would be easy to fit it in. and when these crazy food binges stop... maybe it will actually do some good.
my foots been hurting for the past couple days... i have a mini-limp. i told my mom about it, and she said that i might have a stress fracture. i don't know why... i haven't done anything harmful to myself...
okay. tomorrow, will be a good day. even if i am forced to go to class, i will sit. i will listen. i will learn. i want to try to enjoy my life...
it's like i know that dawn is right around the corner... but i'm paralyzed in the evening. and i have to wait in the dark.

kings of convenience

and everything is new
do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do ....

:D

today, has been such a long day. i had two dreams last night, and this morning, my brother woke me up and reminded me about the renaissance fair at bcc in mt. laurel. so i went back to sleep for another hour and when i woke up, i was in a rush to get ready... and i saw that i had an email from my "maybe employer" and he said that he hadn't called me because there were more interviews, and that he would call me tomorrow and let me know of the final decision. so i was thinking hmm. why would he email me and say he would call me, if he was just going to tell me i didn't get it. wouldn't he just say yeah, sorry... you suck. haha. so i was really hopeful. and i went down to the mt. laurel campus, and my brother showed me around. we went to the "fair" which was 4 tables of pathetic-ness. but we jousted, and ate some gingerbread cookies and got a keychain with our picture in it. he ate a turkey leg while i looked on in disgust. and then perdeep called me! and he said that i GOT THE JOB! that's right ladies and gentlemen... i am now officially a waitress. i start on tuesday. :D i am so so so excited... i just need to go and get the suitable clothing. choir dress haha. i can't believe it. it just seems so surreal. the past few days have been so... sad. i've felt worthless, and angry. but there really is still hope. i can "follow my dream" :D YES!

do

you know what kind of weirds me out... mascara. and fake eyelashes...i guess i really just don't understand why people would want to look like a camel. most of us aren't in danger of facing a sand storm any time soon... but i guess there are those who don't understand why i wear eyeliner. so i suppose i should just let it go. correct? yes. today i have class. do i want to go? perhaps not really. tonight until 7:30, i will be "booking it" i also have a test today... oOo.

potato wedges

tonight, i made potato wedges. they were mm mm good if you know what i mean. nudge nudge. i accidentally/purposefully made them a bit thick... so the next time, i'm going to need to let less loose when i'm choppin' away. but, it was really good for me i think. i haven't really been making anything. i sort of flipped out and just couldn't do anything for a while. so, yesterday i made pancakes. and today, i baked some potato. :) and i feel good/better than i did.
oh... and i don't think i got the job. the guy hasn't called me. so if he doesn't tomorrow, then i think i'll call him. but honestly, i'm a little scared... the interview went really well, at least as far as i was concerned. and he said he would call me even if i didn't get the job... but maybe he was just being nice you know?
i feel a little stupid... like fate decided to play some tricks on me "oops, there she goes again! we'll get her this time!"
i guess all i can do is move forward, if i don't get the job... maybe there's a good reason... i would really like to know what that reason IS. but, i guess i can't be too pushy. :/

analogies

i remember when i was younger, i used to take my mom's 3-hole puncher and empty it out all over the carpet. she would get so mad at me, but i always picked up every last piece of paper. i used to empty it out over and over and over and i always picked up every single piece.

seriously?

today... i am angry... this whole weekend, has been a bucket of bricks. and today, i am fed up. i don't feel like myself. (or the "self" that i believe i should be feeling like) everything has just been going wrong... i've been going to bed late, because i'm scared to go to sleep. saturday night i was just so upset, i was so depressed... i would've started crying if i felt like it would do me any good. last night, i had to go pick up my brother because his car broke down. i didn't mind that too much, it was fine. but then when dad got home from his busy day of fishing, he took chad back out and they got the car home with the help of my battery. and then he proceeded to rip MY car apart. he was frustrated because a light came on in the equinox. the purple car broke down, and so now obviously there is something wrong with MY car. yeah... except there wasn't. so my brother took the kia to school, which means i had to take the equinox. i have problems with the equinox, i don't feel safe in it. i almost got into an accident today... all because my dad didn't have the decency to ask me about my car. my car... as lovely as it is, has a sticky shifter. you have to pound the button down before it can move. but after you take it out of park, it's fine, no problems at all. but of course, my dad hasn't driven my car in the longest time, so he doesn't know this. after driving my car last night, he somehow determined that there is some massive problem with my car so he RIPPED OUT THE WHOLE INSIDE. not the seats, but the center, and part of the dash. only to find that it is STILL BROKEN. i'm so frustrated with him right now. he could've just asked me about it, and there wouldn't have been a problem. but no... he had to go and freak out. so now instead of having just chads car broken, mine is too.... i know that being angry at him, isn't going to solve anything, it isn't going to make anything better, and i'm just going to end up hurting myself. we had another argument friday night.... i'm so fed up with this. i'm so tired of having him do stupid crap like this. he doesn't listen to me, and now, it's like he's closed the lines of communication for good. i just, i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like giving up. everything feels so out of balance, so disorganized... my whole being just feels so cluttered. i need to get rid of everything. i don't feel like i want to stick this out anymore

reality check

yesterday, was a really good day... i had my interview (it went really well) i got out of class early, chrystal called me... i haven't talked with her in a few months, it was really good to catch up. and i started reading EAST again last night. (just one of those things i guess...) there were some bad parts.i missed ryans call, and i argued with my dad. chad wasn't here, he went to steevo's... so at the occasional friday night dinner last night, my dad started talking with me about my plans. my goals. where i saw myself in three years... i'm so tired of this... i realized yesterday, that i'm finally breaking through, i'm finally going through my metamorphasis, and i'm not sure if i want to meet him on the otherside... he kept pushing the argument at me... it didn't end badly, but it didn't end well. he laughed at me. again... he laughs at me... we're both stubborn people. VERY stubborn people. he's abrasive, and i'm sensitive... so it clashes both ways. even if he's right, i don't want to say he's right. ugh... i also talked with my mom last night... it was very enlightning. she was there for the conv. with my dad, and she says she can see where i'm coming from because the same thing used to happen to her. i was surprised... i think i have this perception of my mom which isn't necessarily true. i've been wondering where i stand with her. chad's the golden boy, and caleigh's like her second chance you know? but i realized last night, that she really is a remarkable person. she's dealt with a lot throughout her life... and maybe i should give her more credit.... i guess it just doesn't occur to me. and i feel awful about it.. i mentioned to her that i was excited because the renaissance fair is the same day as my andrew bird concert, and that maybe that way, i would have a way to coerce someone into going with me if we could go to the fair beforehand... and she was like... you know i've always wanted to go to the renaissance fair... (my mom's one of those history junkies... if there's something old, she needs to go... i can't even tell you how many houses i've walked through in my time :) and so, just like that, my problem is solved. we decided.. or i decided haha that oct. 25 is going to be mom and daughter day. she said she would go to the concert with me... i hope she likes it. i make her listen to him all the time haha. she was the one who picked me up from bma, and when limbaugh was done, i got control of the music. :) the more i think about this, the more i like it... i really think it's going to be a great day for the both of us. definitely long... but i think it'll be worth it....

etc.

trees.
elephants.
white.
water.
smoke.

the freshman 15

everyone says that how much you weigh doesn't matter. the pounds are relative to your height, and your bone structure. and all of that good stuff. and even though they say that.... it's still one of those "problem" area's for me. i remember when i was in 6th grade, i was heavier than all of the 8th grade girls, (even though there were only like 5 of them) i was so ashamed. and so embarrassed... and of course, when i went to bma, all of my friends were smaller, shorter, cuter, funner than me. it's so strange to sit there, and watch people complain about how they're 110 lbs. how they would die if they ever gained weight. my feshman year, i was 182. girls are supposed to be small, and cute. they are not supposed to weigh more than their boyfriend. but then i lost weight. and i was normal. but still not small... part of the dorming experience is getting to borrow clothes from other people. getting to share. getting to switch it up every once in a while. it stinks when all of your friends can do it. but you can't. and if you tried you'd look like a whale. there's this little corner in the back of my mind that says, anything over 120 is fat. is disgusting. is painful to look at. and i know. that no one will care about what you look like as long as you are comfortable with yourself. as long as you love yourself. everyone will see your natural beauty. blah blah blah. no. i feel like thumbalina trapped in an ogre. (om nom nom)
i keep losing weight. i've lost 3 more pounds... and i know it's not healthy. and i know that i should focus on maintaining. and i should try to eat three meals a day instead of 1 1/2... and i know, that i should just be happy with myself. but every time i step on the scale, and see that i've lost another pound i can't help but think, yes. and i can't help but be happy.
i've tried to be objective. but every time i look in the mirror, all i see is fat fat fat. (but carly, maybe you should stay away from mirrors then) MY WHOLE HOUSE IS A MIRROR. but it's not just the mirrors... i feel fat. i feel bloated and gross.
there are times when i wake up, and glance at myself, and i feel so disgusted... so upset...