sick

ugh... okay guys.
i feel awful. i don't have a significant temp. it's a little under 100. my eyes are burning. i get dizzy when i stand up. and my whole body pretty much aches.
what is that? is there a name for that?
well. whatever it is
i have it.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ouch

back in the day, when i was a youngster, i used to get these leg pains when i went to sleep. my dad attributed them to my growing. you know? the normal growing pains? well. they sucked. and i hated them. it's like this weird achy sort of thing. moving doesn't really make it worse. but it doesn't help. and it keeps me up at night. so at hmm 5 in the morning. guess what's keeping me awake? yep. they still happen every once in a while. so i've been tossing and turning for a while. but i finally gave in and took some med.s and hopefully i'm able to conk out soon. i'm so sleepy.

german chocolate cake

so, tonight i was feeling a little down. i went out to shop rite. bought me some ingredients. and made FROM SCRATCH this three layered german chocolate cake. i started around 11:30, and i am now finally finished dishes and everything at 2:28. i made the cake batter, and the frosting. and how does it look? it looks like i made it at 2 in the morning. ah, but how does it taste? magnificent. i am actually pretty proud of myself. it's not too bad for my first try. it would look better, but the cake stuck to the pan. so i had to do a little bit of fancy work in order to get it to come out. which is why it looks so funny. but i trimmed up the edges. and voila. yummy delicious cake. and now. it's time to sleep :)

grey

today, i saw the new tab title on my firefox browser. it said untitled. i wanted to cry. as silly as it sounds. i just had this overwhelming feeling. this little catch in my throat.

i've been really happy lately. the kind of happy that sneaks up unexpectedly. but now it's the weekend. this time that is sort of predetermined to be sad.

i've been thinking a lot about god lately. i realized that most of the time, when i have been discussing things with religious people, they tend to like the idea of miracles, but despise the idea of fate. i realized a while ago, that i really do like the idea of fate. this principle that some things were just meant to be. (it doesn't make me feel as bad for making mistakes) it comforts me a little to think that there are some things that i just can't control.

i went to bcc today. i went in on tuesday to buy my books for my classes, and to apply for on campus jobs. i found all of the books. and then walked down to the hall towards the career services department. they gave me this pamphlet and a flier that said i needed to fill out my fafsa, sign up on this website, and come back between the hours of 9 and 4 on friday (today) so on wednesday, i signed up for the website (and had to make a resume - very frustrating especially when you've worked with bma and are not exactly quite sure how to describe working any of those jobs i.e. industry) so i've been anticipating today, because i'm not really sure what i am supposed to be expecting from this "meeting" with career services. so today, i went down to the office, and they told me that i needed a form from financial aid. which is upstairs. so i went up there, signed in. and waited. they called my name, and told me that i had signed into the wrong sign in form. and politely pointed me towards the correct form. so i signed in over there, and waited for them to call my name. after around twenty minutes or so, i was called up. and in order to get started, i needed to change my major from "undecided" to whatever, so i had to fill out this form, and get it authorized by this other counter department. so i went over there, talked with the guy, and he said he would take care of it. so i went back, and the woman who was helping me tried to continue with the process, but the guy never put the form into the computer, so it was a little interesting watching everyone interact with each other tyring to figure out what happened. finally, everything worked out, i got my piece of paper, and went back down to career services. i walked in the door and then was told that i needed to wait until i could be helped. so i sat down. and waited some more. until Stuart Keen (the head honcho of career services) called me over to the desk. he was so nice, he asked me about my major, and even found out that there is an opening with the art gallery in mount holly and he told me how to get in contact with them, and two other departments in order to see if i would be able to get a job. and i don't know. by the end of everything. i was really excited. i took my sister to walmart. (she wanted rocks) and then came home, and called two of the three departments in order to see if they would consider me for the position. the gallery, (so awesome) and the library. no one answered though, so i left messages. BUT that's okay. i'm going to send them my unofficial application on that weird website that i had to sign up for. oh joy.

classes start on wednesday. i have ancient medieval foundations, public speaking, and intro to art. turns out, wednesdays are my busiest. mondays and fridays follow wednesdays schedule without the intro to art. and tuesdays and thursdays i have psych. so sometime, i'm going to need to set up a time to take my online anthropology course.
i'm not really all that nervous anymore. i just kind of want to start. and officially end my summer. summers been great don't get me wrong! okay yeah, just kidding... summer's kinda sucked. but there were good things about it. *wink wink*

(i have this little schedule for the classes, they're in different blocks of color. i put ancient medieval foundations in brown. because that's how it makes me feel. clearly, i need some better ways to spend my time)

rainbows and butterflies

today! i feel good.
i am happy.
i think i might have figured out what i want to do. not for the rest of my life silly. but for a good portion of my future. actually not really even that. have any guesses? hmm. i think i'm just going to be severely unclear about everything. i really really really hope that everything works out. andrews is a no-go. i've decided that. i just can't do it. i don't have any money. nor will i have any money by the time that i wish to go and live up these glorious plans of mine. and i am okay with that. it was one of those unatainable goals. i should go for short term instead of long term right. which really doesn't make any sense seeing as how my next plan is not any less grand. ah. but for the day. for this day, i am quite content with how everything is going. i got to talk with peter tonight and share :D i miss him.
tomorrow. i embark to the dentist.
i am scared.
i know, that there is nothing to worry about. except that there could be something horribly wrong with my dental hygiene. i hope not. i do what they tell me, but i guess my teeth are sort of the rebels... they wear all black and spikey chains. and sometimes they even dye their hair... for shame. (that was a joke.) for some reason, there is always something wrong when i go in for these check-ups. so tonight, i hope that i am able to SLEEP. without too much stress.
tomorrow is a big day.

i keep writing, but i don't really have anything to say. except that for the first time in i don't know how long. i am actually happy. and i want to share with you. and maybe i can make you smile too.

tripple coconut cream pie

i was watching the food channel last night. just because. and there was this clip, of this yummy looking tripple coconut cream pie. they put toasted coconut and white chocolate shavings on top of it. AND i would've looked away. to spare myself the torment of not being able to go and try a piece. BUT THEN THEY SAID IT WAS IN NEW JERSEY! so i kept watching. and then i googled it. sigh. it's only 40 minutes away. and i want to go so bad! i went on their website, and there was this happy little "as seen on food network" badge of honor. people. i have an addiction. i would've ordered a whole pie. but they didn't tell me how much it cost. so i opted for waiting until i can drive there and indulge.
the other day, i finally found my coconut m&m's. they are so good. i was telling myself that they weren't going to be that great because i was hoping that they might be able to surprise me. i have a bag waiting for me in my room. for rainy days. (or whenever.)

i painted my toe nails today. why? because i can't let go of this stupid part of my life. and i'm wearing slippers because i don't want to look at them. ridiculous right?

i have the munchies.

letters to the editor.

i hate that sometimes you look at me like i'm the scum of the earth. like it's somehow my fault for being born. like you have some deep seated hatred for me. but you never say anything about it at all. i'm supposed to guess how i'm making you feel. and then there are other times, when you play nice. but only because you want something. i'm sick of these games that we play. i'm tired of feeling like i'm not good enough for you. maybe you should've used a condom.

nightmare

does it count if it's about the dentist?
last night i had a dream that my teeth started to fall out.
is that ridiculous?
i don't know. it really freaked me out.
i hate going to the dentist.

i was with a whole bunch of people that i didn't know. and for
some reason, my hair was long again. (yay)
we were at my house. and my mom was trying to clean.
but we were all there, and trying to find someone.
i don't remember why.
but my mouth started to feel funny.
like back in the day when your tooth was loose. and all you
had to do was wiggle it back and forth and then bam. there it goes.
well, it was like that, except all of my teeth. and none
of them were coming out. they were
all just wiggling around.
and i started freaking out.
i was panicky.
and then, one by one... they just, broke off
but it was way worse than i remember.
(although, my teeth fell out at different
times, not all at once.)
there was blood, and the nerves on the inside of my teeth
were still attached. and they hurt. they hurt so bad. but
i had to rip them out. and i was bleeding, and crying. and
it was just awful.
and then it all stopped.
and i was in the dentist chair
waiting for new teeth.
all of the people who were at my house
decided to donate a tooth for me.
but my dentist was drunk. and
he put the novicane in his arm.
and he started operating on me anyway.


that's when i woke up. haha
i don't know... i hate this dream.
it's not one of those recurring things.
but i have had dreams where my teeth have
fallen out before...
i'm really just weirded out
i'm going to the dentist on tuesday.
my teeth feel like their loose.
i know they're not.
(i tested... haha)
but i still feel like at some point
i'm going to need to tear them out
i hope today gets better :/

damien

"we drive her 'round and she drives us wild."
i'm back here. i'm back to the point where i don't want to wake up. last night i went to bed. and it took me a good 20 minutes. i kept waking up during the night. and now, this morning. i don't know what to do with myself. it's hard to have a purposeless life. i keep reminding myself that everything will get better in september. because then, i'll be going to school. and everything will work out. and all of this ridiculous funk will be gone. right?
i don't know... i just don't know. i feel really helpless.
"and i know i make you cry, i know sometimes you wanna die, but do you really feel alive without me."

beautiful boyz

i know i know. another song? really? yes. this song is so amazing. i couldn't help but listen to it with my eyes closed. i could feel the tears trying to come down. and ever since, it's been stuck in my head. just floating around, latching itself onto me.
beautiful boyz by cocorosie.

STOP

i don't want you to ask me how you can make me a happier person. or how to make me calm down, or how to make me stop freaking out. i don't want you to "make me" do anything... i feel like you're mocking me. like it's just a game. like none of this is a big deal, and i'm an idiot for being upset. i'll be okay if you don't understand. but at least have the gall to say "i don't understand" don't laugh at me.
what i want. is for someone to just come and sit with me. to just come hold me for a while, and tell me it's okay if i want to cry.

i keep thinking about this conversation that i had with pooper a while ago. we were talking about why he doesn't like make up. he says he would enjoy getting to know the "real" person, rather than the fake one.
we all have our different reasons for covering up our "natural beauty" but he said if the reason we're hiding ourselves is because we don't like what's underneath, then there's a problem...
i've been thinking about that a lot.
and maybe the issue isn't whether or not i know myself. but instead, it's if i like myself.
and the only answer i've come up with is
no.
no i don't.

hah.

today has been pretty slow. caleigh got frustrated with me because i wanted her to go outside... and chad left for work... so.
i was getting ready to take caleigh on a bike ride, and this guy "dan" rings the doorbell. so i go outside, (mind you, i'm in a tank top and shorts. i haven't even taken a shower yet, so i'm all grungy looking. the front lawn has dismembered tree in it. pretty much. i'm gross.) and he starts telling me about how the government is going to give me money if i decide to renovate my house.... hmm... he kept trying to tactfully ask me when it would be a good time to set up a meeting with my family... i felt bad. because i think i got him in trouble with his boss. (he put me on the phone with him, to talk about estimates...) i really wasn't interested in what he had to say. and i kept feeling like he was trying to flirt with me. he was all smiley and small talk-y "nice weather we're having huh?" "uhm, yeah i guess, i think it looks like it's going to rain today though" haha.. it was weird.... i didn't like it. but he left. and HEY it's raining...

realization

i'm really glad that today happened. i guess lately, i haven't really been feeling like me. i've been stuck in this land of purposelessness and doubt. and just scary thoughts. and i've been here pretty much since i came back from connecticut. i hate feeling useless... and i'm thinking that maybe i'm finally snapping out of whatever funk i've been in.

maybe i was just depressed. i don't know. i don't like saying that though. because usually people go to extremes. but really, depression is having 4 or more of these symptoms every day for 2 weeks.

* Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (i.e., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite
* Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) nearly every day
* Feeling restless or sluggish to the point that others notice
* Fatigue or loss of energy
* Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
* Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
* Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal thoughts without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
(so says http://www.abilify.com/depression/about/about-living-with-depression.aspx?TC=95995&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=research&utm_term=depression&utm_content=rsymptom_textad_about-living-with-depression_text_tc95995)

but it's only been a week. and now i'm feeling okay. so does it not count? or am i just saying depression, because i don't know what else to call it? but really, this has been off and on pretty much all summer. what the heck is happening?

ugh, well whatever it is. hopefully it's over.

project

i keep getting the feeling that, soon... i won't be able to work on all of the projects that i would really like to complete. all that i have now, are these stupid little gifts, and surprises that i'm trying to organize. and soon, school is going to start. i'm full time. and dad's trying to set me up with a crazy full time job as a file finding interny type deal at a lawyers office. but i get to wear dressy clothes and talk to people who probably won't remember my name the next time they ask me for something. am i getting to cynical? i'm trying to stay positive. i'm trying to enjoy these days. i'm trying. i really am.

honestly. i don't have anything to complain about. nothing at all. i'm just trying to remind myself that whatever is happening in this silly little life of mine, doesn't really matter... there are people who have worse things happening to them. the complaining should be their luxury. i should be listening. trying to help. instead of wallowing in this stupid little depression of mine. i hate feeling like a selfish little pig.

oink oink

they call me tater salad.

i've been feeling rather paralyzed lately. like i can't do anything. or i shouldn't even try to do anything. i was sitting in my room this morning. just sitting. i was in the chair. staring at the wall. just.. there. it took me a minute to snap out of whatever zone i was in. but the thoughts in that zone. were not good. and it's taken me pretty much all day to dwell on other things.
am i just unmotivated? is everything going to get better once school starts? is it just today?
i have no passion for anything right now... all of the things that i enjoy doing. or that i did enjoy doing, i don't anymore. being home, just drains me of everything good and beautiful. i'm getting so frustrated with myself. i don't feel like i know who i am anymore. i feel so empty.

i've been cooking lately. and by lately i mean. today and yesterday. and by cooking i mean, salads. i made a pasta salad last night. and a potato salad today. it's been really calming. for those times. and i figure. there are worse things, i could be spending my time on. and if i'm going to feel fat and ugly. i might as well know what's getting me there.

ten.

this is my list.

1. "i love you, i don't want you to be like me"
2. you care more about imaginary things than you do about your family
3. all of these silly little escapades are hurting the one's you claim to love.
4. i'm sorry
5. you deserve so much more
6. don't you ever touch me again
7. i've always been there for you. and the one time i needed you, you bailed
8. i still haven't forgiven you
9. there is no rock. there is no hard place. everyone has problems. suck it up and deal
10. thank you

grumble grumble

i went out to tell my dad that i wanted to get my ears pierced today. and it turned into this huge argument. i wanted to invite him to share this experience with me. i have been thinking about doing this for a long time. i researched the pro's and con's. and really, i wanted this as my right of passage. i want to commemorate this time period in my life. it's important to me. so i told him. and he was like well you know it's related to idolatry right? and i was like, well, from what i found out, the reasons that people got their ears pierced was to signify their attachment to something. so i guess if you wanted to say that, fine. but that's not the reason why i want to do it. and he just exploded. it turned into this huge thing. at first he said that he didn't have a problem with it. and then he started berating me and comparing me to the people of sodom, because i want to get a hole in my ear? to me, this doesn't seem like it is that big of a deal. i feel like people would probably judge me more for buying cars and boats, and motorcycles more than for wearing some metal in my ear. but it's like it wasn't even a discussion anymore, it was a "i'm going to yell at you because you're too stupid to know any better" when i get into these fights with my dad, he throws out the "you don't understand" card a lot. like i'm undeniably ignorant. and i tried to tell him that he was just making me upset, and i tried to stand my ground. and i tried to bring it back to a conversation. but he wouldn't listen. so i walked away. and he started yelling at me about how walking away from my problems is just going to hurt me for the rest of my life. "is that what you're going to do? just run away?". yes. it is what i'm going to do. i'm running away. not from confrontation. but from you. he stopped me by the door and i wouldn't listen. i had had enough. i tried to tell him that this isn't anything new. that we fight like this all the time. and i always feel like he's not listening. like what i have to say isn't important... he said it was my fault. maybe it is...

hah. so he just came to my room, and tried to have a normal conversation about all of this. and he said he didn't like making me upset. which i appreciated. and we started talking again (stupid stupid) at the end of it. he walked away turning me into a monster.

maybe i am. maybe i should just hide away for the rest of my life. he's always comparing me to my mother. maybe i should just give up.

i was thinking about how they say that god is supposed to be like you're father. maybe that's why i'm angry with him right now. because i'm scared that i'll tell him something. and he'll make me feel stupid and small. i don't want god to be my father. i don't. i want him to be a friend. but right now... i don't know if i even want that. most of my friends are turning out to be something other than what i thought.

i just feel really trapped

best day ever?

after spending like, 5 days camping on the beach, what's the one thing chad wants to do when i come home? build a super-mega-awesome sea turtle, that's what. and actually, even though i'm not extrememly fond of the beach, i was excited about this excursion. we left home at around 4 something, and we spent from 5 until 6:40 working on this thing. it was really cute to see all of the little kids walking by and being all, woah mom! look at that! so... this is the final project. fun right?

pretty much right after we finished the turtle, chad had been in the water. i decided that i would.. not. haha. but we left, i drove. and we got home. caleigh had her friend yanna over, and so dad drove up to trenton to drop her off at home right? well, chad and i decided to go out to Anapays. the creepy diner like 4 miles away from our house. so we took the brown buick, and we went down. this is us right outside of the diner. awe. aren't we siblings...

so, after we finished eating, at like 10. we set out on our way home. we had a little trouble starting it in the parking lot, and when we got about 3 and something miles away from home, it just stopped working. the engine was still on, but chad couldn't get any more power to the engine. so we pulled over, and pushed it off to a location where it wouldn't get hit by unsuspecting travelers. and we had to walk. dad was still in trenton, and mom was at work. so chad and i started our lonely treck down the dark and creepy roads of new jersey. we had been walking for like a minute or two, and this car stopped next to us and the guy inside asked us if we wanted a ride. and of course chad was like, "no thanks, we're okay"... haha. i would've said yes. i trust people. chad does not. but whatever. it was good bonding time. i tell you though, it's creepy walking at night in nj. i kept thinking that maybe someone would jump out with an ax and we'd be done for. but that's just because i've seen way too many scary movies...
and when i got home. i got to talk to peter for a while. :) joy.

hmm... and about the previous week of connecticut. let's just say i don't feel like talking about it. it did not go well. but today did. :D even the walking. and the two blisters on my feet now... haha. life is good.

i'm home

so much has happened.
so so much

i just got home.
it's thursday.

i feel sad, and angry
and

alone.
again.

i'm scared i'm disappearing into my head
and there isn't anyone to come pull me out

i don't want to go to sleep

lately

i've just been feeling really obtuse. and wrong.
like all of the normal girl drama
plus gross.
like i feel fat, and ugly, and like i don't mesh well with my friends anymore.
and like i just am depriving the world
of something that could be good and beautiful.

like my whole "me" is just completely and utterly
disgusting.

i don't know...
but, i won't be here for a week
i'm going camping.
we'll see what happens.
maybe i just need some happy.