i.want.to.be.a.waitress.

plain and simple. just like that. last night, i applied (sort of) to a restaurant in mnt. laurel. why? because i needed to. this weekend at steevo's, i realized. i like people. silly no? we took a walk (that was supposed to end up at this very amazing broken down house, but ended up only going to an empty PJ's house) on the way, there was this house that had all of these metal works in the lawn. i asked the lady inside if we could take pictures with them. this is the second time now that i have gone with a friend to knock on a strangers door. and i loved it. i didn't have a problem at all... i want that. i want to connect with people. i want to help them have a good time. i want to smile, and bring them cheer. (and take pictures with their lawn art). i've been looking for a job for a while now... as you probably have already found out. i haven't been looking at restaurants because... this is going to sound stupid.... i'm not happy here. i'm not a happy person right now. i'm losing myself, and i didn't want to have my experience as a waitress be affected so strongly by my unwillingness to wake up in the morning. i know myself well enough to realize, that if i went into it like that, if i went into it expecting it to make me happy, it would disappoint me and i wouldn't enjoy it... and even more, it would make me more depressed... so i've been staying away from it. so what's changed? me. i'm so tired of this, i'm so tired of just waiting for my life to get better. waiting for the chance to sneak out. i've been feeling guilty for so long, that great people are dying, and i'm sitting here, wasting space, wasting air for nothing. i've been thinking about what i want to do. where i want to be. how i want to live. so far? i need a schedule. i am going to be a waitress. i am no longer going to major in art. i will not take generals next semester. i will apply for the study abroad program at bcc. i will take a pottery class. i will read more books. i will smile.