my dad asked me this question once. who are you carly? and i've pretty much been freaking out ever since. it sneaks up on me in the weirdest places. today i was browsing for netbooks. somewhere inside my head, is this idea that i don't like big things. i'm a minimalist. and i thought maybe a netbook would be better for me than this huge laptop. but then the questions came. am i mac or pc? would i be able to live without a disc drive? or would i prefer it? i got frustrated.
i think about this a lot. i feel so stuck at home. i got my license yesterday, and i've been waiting for the big revelation. i remember my brother telling me "after you get your license, you become so empowered. just the knowledge that you can now go wherever you want, whenever you want, is overwhelming. you finally are able to grasp the sense of freedom".
call me crazy, but i didn't know that freedom felt like emptiness.
i've been living with myself for the past 18 years, and if you were to ask me who i am. i wouldn't be able to tell you. am i fun and outgoing like brittani or nikki? or am i extremely musical and good at everything i touch like jeremy and justin? am i a green day loving incense burner like steevo? am i religious? am i cynical and sarcastic like my brother? do i try to find beauty, meaning, and acceptance in everything like peter and dan? am i interested in music and drawing like gabby? am i depressed like jacob? i don't know i don't know! but even if i were any of these things? i couldn't be. i would feel like by adopting any of these things, i would be stealing pieces of their souls.
i've been going to school, because that's what they said would be a good idea. and i hate it. what does that make me? i can't learn this way.
i feel really overwhelmed right now.... today, i stood in the shower, with my face directly under the water. and i was counting. i was counting to see how long i could hold my breath. counting to see how long it would take my face to get numb. how long before i could relax my muscles. how long before i needed to open my eyes. what it would feel like to breathe in. if that would drown me. how long it would be before i would want to step back.
1 comment:
You're Carlita, my dear. Lover of brown, and all things artistic. Excellent listener, the one person who I know will understand why I hate what so-and-so said, or why sit-coms are so friggen stressful. You're moody (I love you, but you are), but you make up for it with randomness and hours of laughter.
I'll shut up, though, because I so don't want to over-simplify, or make it sound like your confusion isn't...confusing. I adore you, dear, and I hope you find everything you need, in the end. Know that you are beautiful, and that you've made such a good friend, confidante, and semi-sister in the years I've known you. I don't tell you this enough, but I love you, and I am so grateful to you for all the love you've showed me, especially considering what an ass I can be.
<3 steevs
Post a Comment