weekeeeending

well, today pookie is coming in about a half hour. timmy's coming too
we're going to go out on the river and party
danika's coming tomorrow
we're gonna go to the beach and party
then sunday, danika and i are headed up to MA. to go camping with mike and nathanael
...(and party.)

sooo... i'm pretty much gonna be incognito for a while...

i don't think i'm taking my camera, because i don't have any batteries
and that would just be sad...
yuhp.
pretty much, i'm excited about playing volley ball like NONSTOP!

and someone will have a camera.. guaranteed.
so i'll share some pic-a-tures. with you
because i love you
because you're awesome

withdrawal...

i vowed that i would abstain from listening to andrew bird until i went to the concert. i want all of the music to be fresh. and i want it to completely floor me. i want to be overwhelmed. it seemed like a good way to go about things.
except NOW i'm going through withdrawal. i heard a snippet from one of his songs today. fitz and dizzyspells. and now that one little section is stuck in my head. and when i heard it, my soul felt full. and i loved it. so apparently, this whole my favorite music fast, is working....
i just kind of really want to listen... haha, does that make me pathetic. i vote yes.

as far as self goals go though... i'm pretty proud of myself. i've lost like 5 pounds since i've been home. that's probably just because i've been sleeping through most of my meals, and i've been freaking out over everything. so really, it's not any of my doing... but i'm going to snatch it up! and proclaim it as my handiwork. for a little bit of confidence boosting.

.....hmmmmokay

i've been feeling a lot better recently... i got my stupid college classes taken care of. here's what i'm taking
public speaking, anthropology, art 101 (my "fun" class), intro to psych, and ancient medieval foundations..
sounds like a party right?
i'm kind of excited... i hope i don't get overworked or anything... seeing as how all of those classes will probably be more straining than my entire senior year.. haha. :) but i wanted a challenge right? i wanted to explore things. and so here is my chance. now i just need to talk to the guy with the job thing... so i can work a bit.

sigh...

last night i made spinach phyllo (i cheated on the phyllo part) so technically i just made spinach stuff... and i guess since i technically didn't make the spinach. or the stuff. really i'm just responsible for nothing.... kind of a bummer right?

i made a pair of shorts today. and by made i mean i cut off the pants part. and sewed up the seem... so i guess i really didn't do that either.

this is so awful...

BUT i did find out my plan for peter's birthday (no peeking) AAANNnnnd i had to borrow money from my sister to accomplish it haha. cute right? i just didn't have any cash on me.

i've been spending a lot of time with my cat lately. my fat, unloving feline, who has recently been very affectionate.. maybe it's just because i've been home for a while now, and now he's just used to my presence. but i'll end up sitting somewhere, or trying to sleep, and he'll just come up and cuddle with me. he'd make such a good boyfriend ;)
except for the bad breath and litter box...

wow... this is the first blog in a while that just sort of jumps around..
i'm a little scatter brained right now.
my apologies.

YOU STILL AREN'T LISTENING

how many times have i told you? hmm? how many... oh probably a bazillion...
dad, i don't want to go to college
i don't want to go to trade school
i'm going to bcc for a semester
just a semester
yes. just a semester
my major is art
i'm majoring in art dad
i'm going to bcc for a semester
i don't want to go to trade school
i don't want to go to college
i want to go to michigan in dec.
i want to go to michigan dad
i'm only home for a semester
so i can plan on going to michigan.
i want to go to michigan dad
i don't want to go to trade school

tonight. i registered for my one semester of college
i am now officially a college student
i came home.
mom told dad.

d. "mom told me you registered today"
m. "yup"
d. "how many hrs?"
m. "15"
d. "what about next semester"
m. "i'm trying to go to michigan dad"
d. "oh really?"
m. "yeah... "
- few minutes later-
d. "carly, you should've gone to trade school"
m. "dad, i don't want to go to trade school"
d. "you could've had a cirtificate, now you're only going to have a semester"
m. "dad, i'm trying to go to michigan"
d. "you could've at least gotten more money"
m. "i don't really care about money right now"

and then he laughed at me. he just laughed. and then tried to play it off like it wasn't anything. "well good" he said... no not well good. i've been telling you for the past two months! TWO EFFING MONTHS! dad... and you aren't listening to me. and i tell you what i want to do with my life, and you laugh at me? you laugh at me like i'm some bumbling idiot who doesn't know what the hell she's doing. well you know what? even if i don't. even if i'm making one mistake right after the other. this is MY life. you had your chance. and now you're just screwing us all over with you're fabulous life choices... does that make you happy? is that what you want me to do with my kids? you want me to grow them up ashamed of themselves? NO, i just want to be happy, and you're going to laugh at me?
i don't even know why i do this to myself.

ups and downs

today, i've been going through quite a few mood swings.
this morning i woke up and felt like crap,
then i took a shower, and felt better.
and then later i felt like crap
and then i felt better
and on and on.
i'm getting kind of sick of this

is this how i am all the time?
i know that steevs says i'm moody...
and i guess i really am... but i don't
get to spend time with the me that everyone else
gets to see. so i don't really know.
pff... stupid feelings.
they should all just float away, or... drown
or something that puts them at a large distance from me.

rough

i woke up this morning, and i didn't feel like me.
all last night, i was tossing and turning.
i don't know. i guess right now i feel out of balance.
like nothing is right. and i can't say that i'm enjoying it very much.
i know, that it's probably just because i'm tired,
or yesterday was just awful.
but i would really just like to be myself again
okay? I'M READY!
flip me back okay?
i don't like feeling this way, like my chest is
just ripped open for everyone to see what's going on
i feel embarrassed, and ashamed, and cold.
... and angry. i'm still angry.
but instead of focusing all of that bitterness on the
person who deserves it,
i'm focusing it on things that don't.
i'm frustrated because i'm feeling distrust
towards things and people, that i know i don't
feel that way about.
FLIP ME BACK

late night blues

tomorrow i'm going to bcc to take my placement tests, i was getting everything ready tonight. i have my acceptance letter, and my AP test scores. and i know that this really isn't a very big deal, but i'm still weirding out anyway... i think it's just because i'm going by myself. silly carly

vous êtes difficile

the little "rungs" of the dna ladder, are people... and there's a broken one at the top. i thought it was clever...




this morning, i woke up at around 8:30, and drove with my dad up to THE GROUNDS FOR SCULPTURE, i call it the sculpture garden. i've been wanting to go for a while now, every time we drive past actually... on the road that faces the highway there are these gigantic tree-sized sculptures. there are two faces, one red, and one blue, and i love them.... so i've been bugging my dad for a while to take me... so today we went! it was a lot different than i had expected, still enjoyable, but different... i loved the whole idea, this huge 30-something acre plot of land dedicated to sculptures... i was surprised by a lot of them though. i was kind of disappointed that some of them were just void of all emotions. and i was struggling with the idea that someone could create something that didn't evoke feelings of some kind. you know? most people, when they make something, they're trying to get a point across, or they were angry at the time, or they're trying to express an idea... or maybe they were just really happy. i had a really hard time trying to figure out why someone would create something that didn't mean anything. but then i was thinking that even if i look at it and lack emotion, it's done it's job. i was thinking as i was walking through that it would be nice to have the artists there to explain what they were thinking and all of that, but i had to stop myself. because, art is interpretation more or less, and the reasons they created it are important yes, but if i look at something, and it makes me feel, that is what it is supposed to do. it is supposed to make me feel THAT feeling. if i see a sculpture of an armless pregnant woman, and all i can think about is romaninan history or something THAT is the feeling that i am supposed to have. and maybe if i come look at it a different day, a different time, i will be thinking about something else, like the prime minister of malaysia... then i can't really ask for anything else. and you know, that's one of the things that i really like about art, it changes... i don't have to feel one way just because someone else does, and even if the person who created it meant it to have a certain message, i get to internalize it...
that's one of the things that i used to love about literature, but then i learned that it's not quite as flexible... (i also learned that if i love a book, i shouldn't take a class that makes me read it, because then i'll hate it) there are stipulations in literature, that aren't always prevalent in art... but then there are those that would argue, but carly, of course there the same, they even combined the title -literary arts- hmm, well i guess you're right. my bad.
my favorite part of the garden, was this (there is a picture of it up there) little enclosed section, it had a plaque out front that said, forest of the subconscious. there was a path that twisted and turned all around and behind and across this garden. there were trees so you couldn't see over the top, but eventually you came to this box. it was about 6x6ft. the two walls facing towards you were made of plastic so you could see inside, and the opposing walls were mirrors, and inside there were these giant naked baby dolls, and most of everything else was made out of a clear plastic, so these dolls were posed in different ways, one was dancing, one sitting at a table, and there were random clear objects, at the bottom there was this huge skull... i loved it, because no matter which way you looked at it, you were staring back at yourself through all of the props inside the box.... my second favorite part: there was a series of sculptures, this guy made life size people dressed from the victorian era, and they were everywhere, you would walk by and think that someone was there, and then realize that they were dressed odd, and oh! turns out they're fake. so i got my picture with a few of them. there was a mini-exhibit where there was a few just sitting in random places, but if you go to the top of the hill, there was a painter, and he was looking down at all of these statues and painting them (there was an actual painting...) i thought it was adorable....
after the garden, my dad and i went to this diner, to get a bite to eat. it was called the liberty II... and we came just after lunch, so there were all of these older people getting their after church meal, and talking about what the doctor said, and how the woman down the hall had a crush on everyone.. it was cute.

what is the next place to go? dad said that the art museum in NY is only about an hour away, so i'm going to bug him about that for a while, until he takes me... :)

TICKETS!

today, my andrew bird tickets came!
i'm so excited :)

this is me

beaming with JOY!

:(

i find that it is in the moments closest to sleep that tend to haunt me the most. my soul is yearning for inspiration, to connect with others. to know that there is peace. but there is rarely ever anyone awake to reconnect with, or to share in my fears. instead my mind wanders, and i return to find myself again and again quite... alone. maybe that's what it is. i'm lonely.

ahh... and there is revelation.
i'm not made to be alone. maybe that's why it bothers me so much.

there is goodness left in the world

today, i am going to cook.
i found this recipe that is pretty similar to the stuff that danika used to make at her house. and it was really really good. :) so i'm going to try it out. and see if it works. and i'm really quite content at the moment. i'm going to clean and reorganize the kitchen before i start... :) life is good life is good life is GOOD

and steevo, i love you to pieces.

you are beautiful. and i love you

Happy Birthday JACOB! :)

today is jacobs 19th birthday! so to all who know and love him, let us celebrate in this milestone :)

pigg

this song, fills my heart with joy, it's one of those songs that you wish some wondeful boy would come stand under your window and sing to you... are you prepared?

falling in love in a coffee shop- landon pigg

i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you
yes theres a chance that ive fallen quite hard over you.
ive seen the paths that your eyes wander down
i want to come to
i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you
no one understands me quite like you do
through all of the shadowy corners of me
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew
i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you
yes theres a chance that ive fallen quite hard over you.
ive seen the waters that make your eyes shine
now im shining too
because oh because
ive fallen quite hard over you
if i didnt know you, id rather not know
if i couldnt have you, i'd rather be alone
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while, i never knew
all of the while , all of the while
it was you

one of the many songs i purchased today... :)

i was thinking, how in all of those silly movies when the boy meets the girl, and he tells his friends, he says "man, isn't she really something"...
how silly and strange that is... would you use the opposite? i'm sure that many would. but that just seems heartless.

interview.music.coffee

today i got a call from shop rite. they asked me to come down for an interview. oh joy, i'm well on my way. today i also went down to bcc and got some information on what i need to do in order to go to school (and apparently i lost my acceptance letter bummer) i also went down to walmart and bought an itunes card and got some music. so tonight, i am in my pajamas, jamming out and drinking some cup-o-joe. i'm living the life. and the life is good :)

today, i found a tick. i'm pretty sure from my walk with peter. it was a very small little creature right next to the small of my back. i tried to get him off as gently as i could, but he was a stubborn little guy. but he came off, and now there's a very small mosquito bite sized lump on my back... it has shrunk a little bit since this afternoon, but i'm a little scared that this might turn into something serious. i suppose i'm just a little paranoid.

mini-breakdown

i cried today.
a lot... i think it was most likely in part because i didn't sleep last night. i did a little bit. but probably way less than an hour.
and of course lack of sleep makes one undeniable susceptible to bouts of sadness.
despite the new revelations of late, i'm not really sure that they were the only reasons for this therapeutic venture
i think, i've been waiting to cry for quite some time. and it all finally caught up with me. i haven't really been able to let it all out.
and today i finally did.
i sat in the shower and just sobbed, then i sat on the couch and sobbed some more. and i called pookie and bawled my eyes out....

and i feel good

i haven't gotten all of the tiny little pieces out, they're still floating around, but right now. i'm very calm. i'm very relaxed (i'm very tired)

lately, i haven't really been able to verbalize what's been going on inside my head. and i'm hesitant to try and talk with people, i'm scared that maybe these huge misery's of mine are only small and minuscule in the eyes of others. i don't think it's fair of me to talk or complain about all of my silly trifles. i guess in a way, i've sort of been distancing myself from communication.

as a change of pace, i drew today. it's a simple pen sketch, but the style is completely different from anything that i had ever done before. i really enjoyed the symbolism behind it. i've been thinking about different modes of transference for my feelings, and simple objects (probably because i've been reading asher lev of late) well, enough for tonight
i think i'm going to try and go to bed early (earlier) even though i've been napping throughout the day. i'm so exhausted. crying takes a lot out of you...

Agnes, I still adore you

i spent a significant part of the day today writing. not anything significant, just some letters. (as in ABC) i figured out that i have a list of musicians that i would like to invest in. M. Ward, Emmy the Great, Alessi's Ark, Noah and the Whale...

i bought tickets today. there's an andrew bird concert in october. i'm going. :) there's an extra ticket for however the future works out. i do not wish to go alone. it just seems like it would be that much more amazing if i had someone to share it with. i invited peter to go, we'll see what he says. they are not super amazing tickets... just something to get me in the building. i figure it doesn't matter where i stand, just so long as i'm THERE, i'll probably be freaking out the whole time anyway... maybe i'll finally get to talk with him about that letter i sent... :) now there's something stalker-ish for you

i wish that all of these really cute dresses weren't so silly and expensive. i found an adorable white dress with black buttons it was called morning in monaco... it was around the hundreds area... :/ ugh. well, i'm going to the flea market tomorrow, i told my dad that i would drive. yay me. we'll see what i can find for my 9 dollars and 81 cents...

bedtime stories

when we were younger, my brother and i used to climb onto the couch and wiggle and squirm while mom would read to us. it was tradition. we were always on the blue couch. and she would be in her rocking chair, and she would read us whichever book that we had chosen, like little house on the prairie, or counting numbers. (regretfully, the only story that i remember her reading quite vividly, was the house of winslow series. written by gilbert morris. there were about 20 something books, and she owned pretty much all of them. of course the only reason that i remembered them is because i was really into indians, and in the 6th one, the most handsome character goes into the wilderness and joins a tribe of native americans. he even goes through the right of passage... i thought i was pretty awesome)
when my mom goes to work, caleigh likes to wait up until she gets home (at around 11:45) before she goes to bed. so tonight, when mom got home, of course i am still awake, so i climbed into caleighs bed with her and listened while my mom read her stories. the book tonight, tisha. i love that book... i had it in my room for a good while until they ran out of reading material. so i regretfully gave it up.
i've been thinking a lot about my little library. i think it may finally be time for me to bid farewell to a few of the most beloved books, perhaps to make space for some new additions. or maybe just to put more knick-knacks.

maybe another rubik's cube or two...

i just registered for my new student orientation at bcc. right now, i have pretty much committed myself to one semester. so now i have to do all of this junk in order to prepare. and it looks like there is a job opening at the fitness center for a desk job. yay? so i'll be a working girl pretty soon. i'm not really sure where michigan stands at the moment. i guess we'll just see what happens later.

cardboard love

fish showed me this website, it's cardboardlove... :) this guy, (or girl, i'm very certain that it is a boy though) made this website where he writes little notes on cardboard to his significant other. personally, i think it's adorable... kudos to him. these are a few that i liked :D

rare.

it's funny what you learn about yourself when you're with other people. like how much you really do like cats. or that you enjoy squash. or how most of your underwear has blue stripes... maybe you really are comfortable with knocking on strangers doors, and climbing on trees. and maybe you're capable of going to sleep before midnight. sometimes you really can make decisions. maybe you shouldn't bring money with you, because you're an impulse buyer, and you'll spend. even if you don't really need to. or how you really can wear normal people clothes....

out

i just got back from nikki's house. we spent sunday afternoon to this morning chillin' together. on monday we got to see jacob, jeremy, and justin for an hour or two. and i bought a really cute blue shirt/dress(if i was shorter). and made two unsuccessful attempts to actually get my ears pierced.
i'm so glad that i went. as soon as my dad drove away, i just felt so much better. i felt like me agian. and now i'm home. and i'm trying not to slip back into the moods.
and getting to see the guys was nice. everyone's leaving for college you know?

admiration

i think the native americans had the right idea.
you know... whenever they made decisions
or decided to go raid some settlers
or planted crops
harvested crops
had some babies...
they consulted the great spirit
they had all of these religious ceremonies all to honor and pay homage to their god
and it's not like they just asked him for things... they thanked him all the time.
that's pretty chill....

bunny season

yesterday my brothers car broke down... so of course i tried to snatch up this opportunity... my dad decided that he was going to drive over to PA to pick it up. jacob, nikki, jeremy and i have been trying to figure out a way to get together while jacob was staying with jeremy. so far, the only hitch in the plan, is that i live so far away. so since dad was going over, i figured i would just go with him. so i asked last night at like 3 something (he was still up... go figure) everything seemed to be going according to plan. i woke up this morning at noon-ish and no one was home. mom was working, and i thought dad and caleigh just went to church. well it turns out he left without me...
i was so upset. i had been working out the details with fish the whole morning i was packed and ready to go. and he just... left. he said he would take me. i was so excited about getting out. i just needed to go somewhere. i needed to leave.

apparently he's going back tomorrow to pick up my brother. hopefully things will still be okay. but i was just so disappointed this morning...

tonight's just one of those nights i guess. i want very badly to have a cuddle buddy.

summary

by jess_1586

finally finished

i made this book. i drew the tree. i sewed the cover, i made the pages, i bound them together. and it is a piece of crap.
granted. i am very very very content with this project. i'm so glad that i did it. it was a huge stress reliever.
but in reality, i probably won't be able to write in it. the pages don't fold very well, it's a very stiff book. but really... i don't care. i'm going to try to write in it anyway... and really... i'm just happy that it's done

are you listening?

you don't understand. you don't understand. get the hell away from me. just shut the fuck up. i'm done. i'm done! just STOP.
i can't stress about this anymore
i don't want to stay here anymore, i don't want to wake up here anymore
i don't want to cry about it anymore.
i can't even look you in the eyes.

down where?

i made my cover today... for my book. and there is a very blurry picture of it... i put a pocket in the back. and it's two pieces sewed together. i did a back stitch around the edge in this maroon thread. i was originally going to make the tree black, but i'm kind of glad that i went with brown. i used a reference, but they don't look the same. i needed the basic tree shape, and i got some of the swirls, but then i messed up, so i just did whatever. i'm almost finished with the book. i just need to make a few more pieces of paper, and then i'll get to figure out how to bind it all together. joy..?

my sister got mad at me today because i wouldn't let her watch tv. (even though she had spent most of the day in front of it) i wanted her to find something else to do with her time. she had also spent a considerable amount of time at the computer, so i told her that she couldn't do that either. does that make me mean? does that make me a horrible person? because i wouldn't let her rot out her eyes? i worry for her a lot. she doesn't like to make decisions. maybe that's not such a bad thing. but i shouldn't have to tell her what she should do. she's 9 years old. shouldn't she be able to start making decisions like, i want to go play with my friends or, i want to draw a picture. when she's with her friends, she can figure things out, but without them, she's like a doll. i have to pull the strings. and i'm scared. "i love her, i don't want her to turn out like me"

today was quite rough for me. she woke me up. which i guess shouldn't bother me, but i didn't get to bed last night until around the 4 to 5 ish area. and i knew that i was going to be alone with her today. but the last time she just chilled out, read, watched some cartoons until i woke up. so naturally, i thought things were going to go the same way. unfortunately i guess she freaked out this morning or something, but mom told her that if i wasn't up by 11 she needed to come and wake me up. wrong wrong wrong. she woke me up. i was so unhappy. it threw off my whole day. i was cranky and irritable, and i was really depressed. there was a monster in me today.

tonight, i'm probably going to end up crying and listening to the national... i'm seriously not okay right now. " you might need me more than you think you will, come home in the car you love, brainy brainy brainy"

trying

i need a job.

i successfully made paper yesterday. it was dry this morning. but it was all thick and rough, so i put it back in the bucket. today i made some with my sister. i put some laundry detergent in the pulp to see if it would help soften up the end result. it's almost dried. i also used the rolling pin (i didn't find it yesterday) so i rolled it out, but only one side ended up being flat. so i'm going to need to figure out how to fix that. but so far, i'm fairly happy with how things are going...

i made an account on lastfm last night. and i've been listening to music ever since... i've found a few new people that i want to get some songs from. now i just need to get some money.... also last night, i was listening to opera (not at the same time) i requested a few from the library in the hopes of listening to them the whole way through... i also requested a roald dahl book. maybe the library will hire me...

my driving test is coming up soon...

troublesome night

i went to bed last night. and i woke up a few hours later, with this HUGE pain in my chest. and i kept thinking, i'm sleeping on my heart wrong. haha. but it hurt a lot. i had to move around and i think sit up even, before it went away....
what is that?
should i be worried?

scheming

well, tonight, i went out and bought all of the supplies that i'm going to need. witness.

to the right. notice the bug bucket of soaking paper... i haven't decided if i want to use bleach or not. if it ends up looking okay, i might just leave it out. to the left, there is the very fun home made frame. freshly put together by me and dad. in the center is the interfacing and fabric for the cover. and at the top, is the thread, needles, clasp, and sponge (the sponge is for the paper.)
right now. i think it's pretty safe to say i'm pretty hardcore excited about this.
steevo is coming tomorrow, so i'm thinking depending on what time she gets here, i might just wait until later to start the paper making process. it's a little messy, maybe i can get my sister involved too... she'd probably like it. she's coming home on sunday.

call me crazy.....

but i think i'm going to make my own notebook...

start to finish.

sounds ridiculous right?

WELLLLLLL

i was browsing through some sketchbooks on the internet... i haven't even finished the lewis and clark inspired one yet... and i'm already in the market for another book. and i was looking through some of the notebooks that people had made. and i think i can do it. i made paper in art class. if i can find a screen or something, i think it would be a good project to consider. maybe i'll start with a small 20 page something to start out with. i'll have to find a rack or something to hang the paper on while it's drying so that it will fold easily, but i think it would work out really nicely... and i could search for fabrics for the cover and... i'm really excited. ridiculously excited...

:D

pretty woman

"People's reactions to opera the first time
they see it is very dramatic.
They either love it or they hate it.
If they love it, they will always love it.
If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it,
but it will never become part of their soul."

i can't sleep. i've been going to bed pretty late the past couple of days... slash since i got home. i'm running out of things to do. i've painted my room. i've cleaned it oh 6 or 7 times, i drew an old man and a baby. i beat monkey island 1 and 2... ugh. (not all in one night) but what am i supposed to do with myself?

so tonight, i'm watching pretty woman... really, i'm a sucker for a cute story. i think though, that my favorite part is when they argue... just the ... the two of them they're so brutally honest all the time. and when they fight. it's not stressful, or scary or anything. it's still okay... which is good. maybe it's stupid, but i've never had an argument with someone where i wasn't scared they weren't going to love me anymore... be it boyfriend, or best friend. even my family... and i'm sitting here at 2:15 am about to cry, because they make it look so easy. (even though their arguments aren't real)and i'm jealous. i'm unbelievably jealous. i want to yell at someone. i want to argue and i don't want to be afraid of whether or not they still want to hang out with me. i want to indulge in a little cofrontation.