mphghghghgmmmmhhhmmmhhmmhmhmh

right now, im feeling a little bit more on the depressed side of things.
i know i shouldn't
and i know that it's more than ridiculous
i don't know...
i don't think that i deserve to be here
to be friends with these people
they're so ... beautiful
inside and out
SO beautiful...
and i know i should feel
excited and blessed
that i know such wonderful people
and i do.
a girl couldn't ask for better friends.
but at the same time
i feel a little inadaquate..
...mkay so a lot but
i don't know
maybe i just need to cry it out.
happy thanksgiving.

it's probably a good time

to admit that
i am not gifted
and should probably
stop pretending
that i am...

before coming home

they couldn't care less about
who you are or what you do,
you reinvent yourself way too
much for them to pay attention anymore.

as an onlooker, it's different
to see someone create a desired
relationship out of nothing.

and more importantly, there is a leaf above
the fountain
it's the secret of the garden
the unevitable security
of a calm pool of water
the fearless demise of a ruptured serenity

(but not in a good way)
in the way that screams
in the way that drips of agony
the way that says,
i will never get over you

what time is handshake
editor of yearbook
does she look good in orange
socks
does she believe in miracles
yes ducks can fly
peach crayons

something's wrong

moderate

right now, i have
an incredible craving
for lo mein
vegetable of course

haha, so in order to curb this
i tried to see if soy sauce
and spaghetti would taste
around the same :)

wellllll honestly
it wasn't that bad
but, it wasn't that great either.
so we can cross that off the list of things
to try.
next up is that ... other one.

i finished essay number two
of the four
for this quarter
that means that i am half done
essay number one is about the yellow wallpaper
honestly, i really love that story.
it's one of my favorites
essay number two is about Salome
the play by Oscar Wilde.
creepy.
essay number three is about the taming of the shrew
i still can't believe how vulgar shakespeare is
no one ever tells you that part.
essay number four is about jane eyre
ugh.
most boring story ever.
actually, i think that i would have liked the book better if i hadn't already known about the story... that just made the whole thing draaaaaag

in other news.
my computer is breaking.
the one that i got from gabby
ugh, do i really not have luck with
these things?
my p button doesnt work... :(

between two rocks

i've been very dissapointed today

sometimes, i wish that i had the ability to NOT feel the urge to release all moisture via my face. i wish that i was someone else that i could laugh at, and tell them how ridiculously pathetic and disgusting the feelings are.

currently, i'm still looking for a body pillow. there's a story behind that. back in the day when i was a larger idiot than i am now. i was in a relationship that was unnecessary and decietful. while that was on the fast track to no where, the person whose attention's i desired, made me a body pillow. a very fluffy pillow of my dreams body pillow. however, when the tracks ran out, and the relationship ran head first into a brick wall, i was no longer able to use the pillow, because the disgust i felt for the person was so great, it stressed me out, and the pillow was no longer performing the task it was designed for. so i ripped it apart, and have not been able to sleep well since. well... i wasn't able to sleep well before that either.
but i still really would like to get a body pillow.
or maybe just a giant teddybear...
or maybe just prince charming...
nevermind. i just want to sleep well... :(

epiphany

i had a dream last night
that i started smoking
...
i'm not really sure where it came from
haha, but, i liked it

is that just the dream talking?
or if i start smoking, i'll enjoy it

maybe i can channel my stress into
that like the rest of america...

i'll be 18 in a few months
there we go, problem solved...

so will i turn out like charlotte church
where i end up not being able to sing at all?
or will i go like the amy winehouse sort
where i am praised for my scratchy voice...
i guess there's only one way to find out.

working

i decided that for christmas
i'm only going to do presents for to people.
at least, i'm only going to plan for two people.
the one persons present has already been finished
and is just waiting to be shipped out
and the second person
is my little sister
and i'm finishing it up
today :)

i decided that i'm going to give her a t-shirt
and i'm going to make her her first cd.
:)

ready for track listings?

1. brownies - jacob kondrath
2. stinky hippie - five iron frenzy
3. the long island sound - beirut
4. mushboom - feist
5. postcards from taly - beirut
6. overboard - ingrid michaelson
7. everythign will be alright - the killers
8. dub latina - calexico
9. season poem - gregory and the hawk
10. beautiful love - the afters
11. friend is a four letter word - cake
12. hey there delilah - the plain white t's
13. the scientist - coldplay
14. yellow - coldplay
15. dragosta din tei - o-zone

:)
it's on a pink cd.
and it's writing right now
i'm kind of excited
this will have been the first year
that i've actually planned for her

i think she'll like it...

i'm going to go make the book for it now... :)
polka dots...
:D

for being home

:( i thought i would be at least a little happier
than i am right now...
i was counting on it
but right now...
i'm not
and i want to be
drastically.

so... good things about tonight
1. there were six frogs in my room when i got home
2. my dad indulged in my rubik's cube dream and got me a little mini one
3. i drove
4. i get to sleep in tomorrow...

attention all of you sentimental jerks

this is post 143...
for those of you coughnikkicough
who know how that is important..
i state this fact

there is snow today
and a part of me wishes that i was
able enough to go and enjoy it
to go and romp around and laugh
my head off.

but then the other part of me realizes that i don't
like being cold
or wet
and i only have to deal with snow for another day
because i'm going home tomorrow
and

fie on you monstrous challenger!
the audacity of self fighting self
is unacceptable here.
ugh.

in other news.
i just found out that i was accepted
to a college that i would really like to
attend.
however, i have no way of paying for this...
or actually getting there.
i don't even know if i will like it once i do get there
and i think i should probably
just go to community college
and get my associates...
i think i've finally figured out what i want
to do with my life.
but i'm hesitant to tell people
because every other time i've
set myself on a goal
and i tell people
they start telling me the negatives
and i don't want to hear them
i think i could really enjoy
this one.
especially because i spend most of my time doing it anyway.
it's something i can be good at.
and happy with.

chad was also thinking that for this summer
i could go and take lessons
and become a child swim instructor
while i pay my way through college..
it's a nice idea.
but i don't think i would like that very much.
i think i would like to work at a diner or something.
become a waitress.
i'll be 18
and it seems like an acceptable occupation.
i think i would enjoy it.
:) perhaps i'll contact my diner.

a day in the life....

sunday night, i usually end up tossing and turning
trying to go to sleep,
finally i do.. and for a while it is good
but too quickly the alarm rings at 6
and i have to get started...
my 10-15 minute shower, followed by usually 15 minutes of
getting ready for DAY.
around 6:30
i head to pookie's room and wait another 5-7 minutes for her
to get ready.
then we head to breakfast...
where we look for lucky tray's and
try to finish our food by 6:50
so that we can go to choir.
every
minute
of choir
drags.
i look at
the clock every minute.
i don't sit in the back where it's safe to read a book
or study note cards anymore.
i sit in the front, where i can't see anything
and i feel suffocated...
i sing in the front where my voice doesn't come out.
instead, it blends with all of the people behind me
drowning me.
i sit,
and stare
at the clock
for every single one
of the 60 minutes of choir
until i can leave.
sometimes i stay and ask pooper to play for me
before i head over to the computer lab and
check my email.. or write a blog... (like today)
then i head to work
usually at around 8:30
clock in at the business office... and then
head towards the k-room
usually, there isn't anything for me to grade on monday's
so i sit. in the green chair
in the corner
and wait for two and a half hours
for the rest of my day to start.
i sit. and watch every minute leave
before i can.
one hundred and fifty minutes
i watch them.
after work, i scurry over to the voice lesson
with mr. flores (on monday's)
where he always tells me that i need to practice
and open my mouth when i sing.
every monday he tells me this.
after voice lessons, i have 45 minutes to wander around, maybe finish
some assignment due for some class
that i would rather not be taking. or i wander over to the lobby
and sit
and wait for
forty five minutes
to leave.
somewhere in that lovely little escape, i will find danika
and we will find pookie
and we will find lunch.
which takes up a good portion of the twelve hour. but then i have
an hour or so to wait until fourth period starts
usually,
i take a nap.
i go back to my room
and wait for my hour to leave.
i toss and turn waiting for sleep
before it finally comes
and the alarm rings.
taking it all away, and more. before
i head over to class
groggy, and incompetent.
where i end up taking a quiz for something
i didn't read.
and fail...
then i wait for the next 50 minutes
of that class... to be over
i watch 50 minutes leave.
i don't have a class 5th period.
usually, i sit with gabby in the computer lab
while she does her notes
and i wait for 75 minutes to leave.
i wait... and watch each minute leave.
6th period we have AP english
a class that i do not enjoy.
i spend too much time in that room.
all morning
and a class every day.
ap english is accompanied by 75 minutes, i watch leave...
i watch the clock, until i can go to supper.
when the bell rings.
i do.
i go to supper, where i do not eat the food.
instead cereal and water
because i need to shed a few.
not want. need.
after supper i head to my room.
gabby and i will spend time together.
usually she has notes.
so i will waste 60 minutes
sitting in my room.
waiting for them to leave.
after they do. i wait ten more minutes
before heading down to dorm worship.
where someone will think about marking me late
and i will wait for another 20 minutes to leave.
the rest of the night is spent in my room.
waiting until i feel it is okay for me to go to sleep
and then, around ten o clock
after i have waited all day to enjoy this.
i toss and turn.
and find no joy
in falling and remaining asleep.
normally, i don't.
i wake up two or three times in the night
waiting for it to refresh me
waiting for the rest
to replenish me.
but it doesn't
and so i wake up
tired, and unprepared
to face waiting for my life to end.
i spend 745 minutes out of 1440 minutes of the day
waiting.
i live. for about an hour.
every a day.
i truly live. for about AN HOUR.

i find no joy here.
there is no reason why
i am being kept.
i have no energy for classes
and if i did, i would not desire to take them.
i am tired of living
here, home
i am tired.
my deepest darkest desire (alliteration)
right now.
is to REST
not sleep
i want to rest
and i don't want to wake up.
i'm tired of watching my minutes die.
i am tired of having no passion
i am tired of the bitter moods
i find myself residing in.
i am tired of being unable to smile

i want to rest.
and i don't want to wake up.

so, today was gabby's birthday,
hopefully i will be able to ambush her later
and have a little mini photoshoot
for her 18th

sadly, i am a little bummed that i didn't get
to sing for the andrews people...
and they didn't get to critique me
but, i think i'll get over it

well, off to galavanting over the
book that everyone likes....

burden

summarizing my entire existence right now... into one word
"burden" is what it would be.
the feeling is getting stronger and stronger
and i'm sorry that i can't become someone else
i'm sorry that
my attitude and character have become offensive
i am never what i want me to be
and i am never what you want me to be
but right now, this is WHO i am
i would give anything to change it
but it's not as easy as you think
it should be
so go philosophize
and work around your little theories of
why i'm not doing what you think
i should.
go ahead.
i'm sorry i'm hurting you
"the killers are calling on me"
i'm not sure right now, that you're feelings
are my biggest concern
i know I KNOW how awful it sounds
but for goodness sakes don't tell me
i don't need you to tell me what
an awful person i am
i promise you
i am WELL AWARE

and i would really like it, if
everyone would just
leave me alone
please...
because even though you're trying
to help
you're making it worse
so get the hell out of my shoes
and stop pretending that
if you were me
you would fix it.

yo-ugly

i went running with nikki tonight
because, i think i should be starting to get a little more active...
and because i really would like to shed a few.
since summer, i've been steadily putting on weight.
and everything that i try isn't working.
and my clothes are fitting more awkward now, and
i feel fat in them.
all of them
there's nothing that i can or want to wear anymore
everything makes me feel like a bloated buffalo
and i really hate it
so i decided that i am going to
1. stay away from sweet thing (especially at night)
2. eat breakfast
3. and of course eat smaller portions
it seems like a good plan right?
well i really want to go running at least 3 times a week, i know i'm not disciplined enough to make it every day... because i'm a loser, and i can't
but, even after doing all of this
i feel the same.
the only thing that is happening, is i'm getting more large
and more dense...
and i really really don't like it right now.
so i was thinking maybe i'll just go for breakfast
and a really large lunch.
and water...
that would probably suit me better.
or maybe cereal at night... something light, like special k
and if all of the machines weren't broken in the dorms i would
go ahead and use those, but they are... so it's kind of unrealistic...
i really hate what i've become...
i'm very disgusted with myself right now...
and nikki has my notebook.
and i want it back.
:/

after (not) voting

this morning as i was walking towards the cafe
for breakfast
i was presented with the news that obama won.
i can't say that i was too surprised
however, i am sort of upset about the whole ordeal.
i woke up, and FELT oppression.
there was no one around the dorm
it was like the hand of death was upon me.
(and for all of your obama supporters out there
I'm sorry if i offend you by not liking him)

honestly, i think a lot of the bma-obamites
are very very ignorant...
most of them (with the exception of like four people
including mr. shofner) don't even know what he stands for.
these same people are walking around campus
joyously exclaiming his name.
i feel dread for our nation

i also feel sorry for the people who decided since they didn't like
the presidential candidates, that they were going to vote for
vice presidents.
honestly, that's one of the most idiotic things you can do
the vice president doesn't have control over anything really
and he WILL NOT BE THE PRESIDENT
(unless misfortune occurs)

i am very ashamed of the conduct of our nation.
"obama's going to get assassinated"
"mccain will die in office"
that's a terrible thing to say....

is no one decent anymore?
where is our civility?

i am aware that i am not an extremely politically aware person
but of what i do know,
mccain is not the ideal candidate but
obama spells trouble
and a few months from now
like BIDEN addmitted
when this nation is faced with whatever
crisis he said would happen
i will be standing on the sidelines
justified, and sad... that no one paid attention.

maybe i'm wrong
i very much aware of that.
but come and prove it to me.
come and show me why i should turn my views
don't stand in front of me playing the
"you're racist because you don't want obama"
card.