i.want.to.be.a.waitress.

plain and simple. just like that. last night, i applied (sort of) to a restaurant in mnt. laurel. why? because i needed to. this weekend at steevo's, i realized. i like people. silly no? we took a walk (that was supposed to end up at this very amazing broken down house, but ended up only going to an empty PJ's house) on the way, there was this house that had all of these metal works in the lawn. i asked the lady inside if we could take pictures with them. this is the second time now that i have gone with a friend to knock on a strangers door. and i loved it. i didn't have a problem at all... i want that. i want to connect with people. i want to help them have a good time. i want to smile, and bring them cheer. (and take pictures with their lawn art). i've been looking for a job for a while now... as you probably have already found out. i haven't been looking at restaurants because... this is going to sound stupid.... i'm not happy here. i'm not a happy person right now. i'm losing myself, and i didn't want to have my experience as a waitress be affected so strongly by my unwillingness to wake up in the morning. i know myself well enough to realize, that if i went into it like that, if i went into it expecting it to make me happy, it would disappoint me and i wouldn't enjoy it... and even more, it would make me more depressed... so i've been staying away from it. so what's changed? me. i'm so tired of this, i'm so tired of just waiting for my life to get better. waiting for the chance to sneak out. i've been feeling guilty for so long, that great people are dying, and i'm sitting here, wasting space, wasting air for nothing. i've been thinking about what i want to do. where i want to be. how i want to live. so far? i need a schedule. i am going to be a waitress. i am no longer going to major in art. i will not take generals next semester. i will apply for the study abroad program at bcc. i will take a pottery class. i will read more books. i will smile.

excursion

mmm hello dearies.
today, in a few minutes, i'm headed towards danielle's house.
this is my first major trip. EVER.
since my license. and EVER.
i'm pretty excited.
wish me luck!

oddsfish m'dear.

i keep seeing these flashes. these images. like, i'll look at something, all of the sudden, it'll turn into a line drawing, or blobs of color. or negative space.... what does that mean? i have no idea... sometimes, they'll turn into cartoons, like comic strips. my favorites are the stick figure ones.

it's loaded

i feel like giving up. i really, do not know how else to say it... i feel like... giving up. sunday, was such a good day, until night came around, and screwed everything up. then monday, was so awful... and today. i just can't bear today. i hate this cycle that i'm in. is the happy even worth having, if i know that there is a much larger darker force headed my way? last night i had a dream, one of those stress dreams, that i was trying to get caleigh from school... i worked there, and i had to talk to the principal. i couldn't find my way... what does that mean? is it symbolic of something? all i know is that sometime after 6 AM i kept waking up and going back to sleep waking up and going back to sleep, and i couldn't tell what was real...
i'm not happy. i feel like a burden, like some mistake of nature, i feel purposeless, and wrong... is this how things are supposed to work? is this how everyone feels?

future

this is my future puppy. so far, the only one in my family to disprove of this, is my mom... she is unhappy. but she has always been unhappy. so, i'm not really too worried about it. she just doesn't want to take care of it. which isn't really a problem... so :) if i can get a job.... dun dun dun!
i don't want to take this too lightly. this is another life. another soul. a companion... i don't want to undervalue it with my selfishness. so even though i would like this, i think i'm going to have a lot of soul searching and pondering to do first, before i make any rash decisions.

crying

lately, everything's been making me tear up. like, homework... or waking up. that stupid at&t commercial with the lost dog. everything...

sleeping

i should've gone to bed such a long time ago... i keep finding things to keep me busy. i need to make an envelope for this person, i need to put my flipflops away, i need to, i need to, i need to. ugh. today has been very very full... and i'm so exhausted. but i can't wind down yet. even though i want to.


on the bright side, i think i want a teacup yorkie puppy. since i've been dealing with my fear of dogs, i've actually come to like them, and this puppy, would be the perfect one for me. if i get a job, i think i'm going to see if the rents will let me get one. what would i name it? puppy. duh. :)
the more i think of about it, the more i like it.... :)

forsooth

i feel really unstable right now. like i'm suspended in slow motion... like nothing fits quite right. there are all of these things whirring around my head, and the colors are so bright... but there's no one to help me. there's no one to tell me where i should be. the ground keeps moving. and every step takes so much effort, as if every time i lift up my foot, a piece of my soul breaks. and i'm empty. i get that catch in my throat like i'm falling, i keep waiting to hit the ground, for things to get clear. for my eyes to stop burning. but things just keep getting worse and worse. i feel abandoned. i don't want to be alone, i'm so scared that you'll leave me... i need you to catch me. to hold me for a while. there's so much noise, and it's so loud but i can't hear. i feel like i'm doing something wrong. like my whole being isn't really worth anything at all. i keep tossing back and forth hoping that it's just tonight... that it's just this moment, and the next will be better, and i'll be able to breathe. but my mind just doesn't enjoy computing these possibilities. keeps throwing these things down and laughing at me... pointing. putting me on display and mocking my misery. stripping me of everything pure.

green monster

is it terrible of me to be jealous of my 9 year old sister? i look at her, and she's so gorgeous. even now. and i know, that when she gets older, she's going to be prettier than me. she's had a different life than me. i grew up and ate. i got fat. i got ugly. she grew up stable, she's skinny, and a bombshell.
it always happens... one sibling is always prettier than the other (unless they're twins) most of the time, it's the younger one... and i'm sad inside. when she meets boys and brings them over to the house, are they going to look at me and go "ew, that's your sister?!"
i'm upset. i know that this shouldn't matter to me, but it does. every girl has the desire to be "the pretty one"

"but what i lack in looks, i make up for in personality"
false.
i'm like a block of marble that no one bothered to shape, bold brittle and ugly.

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats

EMAIL!

currently, i'm listening to itunes, on shuffle. yes indeed. i'm procrastinating. tomorrow i need to give a speech on something that's important to me. an object. and it is very difficult. i went looking through my great big red box of memories today to see if i could get any ideas, and i found this note that nasha wrote me jr. year. in leadership bible class on the buliten board, they had this hang-a-line thing, where you could write little notes to people in different classes (or the same class) like a mini-mailbox. it was actually a lot of fun. and i wrote this note to nasha, it was a stickman or something, and she sent me this one back, haha, it is so hilarious. i opened it up and bursted out laughing :)

i know it's a little hard to see, but it's this face with the snot dripping down, and he's sticking his tongue out to lick it... haha, i know it's a bit juvenile, but it's so funny. especially when you're not expecting it :) it really made me miss her...

an eye for an eye

i am filled with a great sadness tonight. someone i love is hurting. and after so much time, i no longer have any answers. i am at a loss. how do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped? when this person has severed all ties with the outside. they have hurt me. they have hurt others. how much longer will i be forced to sit in silence? will it get to the point when i would rather watch them go through this suffering, instead of stepping in, and trying to share the burden. at what point do i become the cause? when i am no longer standing next to them, but instead standing on this bundle that they carry on their shoulders? what of the one who is the cause of their pain? are they not worth helping as well? is it truly natural to slander the one who causes pain? to forget their humanity? is there anyone who isn't worth saving? is it ever okay to say, "you are not worthy"?

birthday blues

today, i finally finished the project for peter's birthday. TADA! it's all wrapped up and ready to go. i think i'm going to send it out on wednesday. (no peeking!)
haha, and you can see my newly dyed hair... i said the last time, i was going to let it grow out. but the color faded, and my roots were showing. so i dyed it again. and the color was supposed to be a dark brown, but it turned into this weird dark purple color. but, you know, it doesn't look too bad. it's about the same shade as my sisters hair. so i figure, if this fades out too, maybe it will look like my hair again. and if not, maybe i should just look into some dye remover... or something of that nature.

this saturday, i went to church. there was this group singing, i don't remember what they're called, but there were 8 members. one of the tenors, his name is mr. voorhees, (i think) he's been trying to get me to sing up front for a while now, and i keep saying no... i'm not ready yet. but he asked me if i wanted to join this group. and maybe it was just the moment. but i had this very strong urge to be a part of something. to join, and sing, and go on tour again with a group. so i said yes. and now, i'm having second thoughts. the group thing, yes, i really would like to be a part of it again, but this message, this style. i don't know if i'm going to like it. but, we'll see. i'm going to try it out, maybe. i guess i'll just have to figure out if it's something that i want to do. if i can learn to enjoy it, or if it's just not for me... i like singing. i really do... i don't want that part of me to disappear. and i'm scared that it might. so what other option do i have really?

who am i

my dad asked me this question once. who are you carly? and i've pretty much been freaking out ever since. it sneaks up on me in the weirdest places. today i was browsing for netbooks. somewhere inside my head, is this idea that i don't like big things. i'm a minimalist. and i thought maybe a netbook would be better for me than this huge laptop. but then the questions came. am i mac or pc? would i be able to live without a disc drive? or would i prefer it? i got frustrated.
i think about this a lot. i feel so stuck at home. i got my license yesterday, and i've been waiting for the big revelation. i remember my brother telling me "after you get your license, you become so empowered. just the knowledge that you can now go wherever you want, whenever you want, is overwhelming. you finally are able to grasp the sense of freedom".
call me crazy, but i didn't know that freedom felt like emptiness.
i've been living with myself for the past 18 years, and if you were to ask me who i am. i wouldn't be able to tell you. am i fun and outgoing like brittani or nikki? or am i extremely musical and good at everything i touch like jeremy and justin? am i a green day loving incense burner like steevo? am i religious? am i cynical and sarcastic like my brother? do i try to find beauty, meaning, and acceptance in everything like peter and dan? am i interested in music and drawing like gabby? am i depressed like jacob? i don't know i don't know! but even if i were any of these things? i couldn't be. i would feel like by adopting any of these things, i would be stealing pieces of their souls.
i've been going to school, because that's what they said would be a good idea. and i hate it. what does that make me? i can't learn this way.
i feel really overwhelmed right now.... today, i stood in the shower, with my face directly under the water. and i was counting. i was counting to see how long i could hold my breath. counting to see how long it would take my face to get numb. how long before i could relax my muscles. how long before i needed to open my eyes. what it would feel like to breathe in. if that would drown me. how long it would be before i would want to step back.

lost

since i've been home, (since like june i guess) i've lost about 12 pounds. which! don't get me wrong, is fantastic.... but it's weird. i'm hungry, but when i try to eat, it's like i'm full, or nauseous or something. i don't know... the last time something like this happened, was my freshman year, and i ended up losing around 35 pounds... i don't know if that's going to happen again, and i kind of hope it doesn't.
i need to dye my hair again. my roots are showing through. :/

love languages.

my cat and i have been spending some quality time with each other lately. today i was sitting at my desk with my feet propped up on the top, and he came and jumped right in my lap. i was weirded out, because i wasn't so sure that he was going to be comfortable... but he camped out, and started purring away. it's a strange feeling knowing that there's another creature that depends on you for love and warmth. and of course the occasional scratch behind the ear. i've been noticing recently that physical touch has become more important to me lately. maybe that's just because i've been so deprived of it... fish isn't right down the hall anymore, we can't have our cryfests. i can't wake up in the morning walk over to gabby's room and just crawl into her bed... it was such a comfort to know that i could go and be near someone, not have to say anything, just bond. but i'm at home. and more or less, i'm alone. well, i was thinking about the love languages today. i remember i took the test once, and it said that my highest two were quality time, and physical touch. i went and looked at the test again today. i was really disappointed. it didn't seem like it would be very accurate. the questions did not disguise themselves very well. you could tell which one was which, and the test didn't cater to the idea that maybe someone was more than one. the test gives you two statements, and you are supposed to pick the one that describes you the best. the one that is true. one of the questions was
-i like it when you give me notes of affirmation
-i like it when you hug me
well, what if it's both? i do enjoy the occasional note. and i very much enjoy being hugged. how hard is it to tell that the first is words of affirmation and the second one is physical touch? but i have to pick just one. why would i be taking this test only to be giving myself the answer? i know what the five love languages are, and if the questions are so obvious, the answer that i pick would be the language that i want for my result. which... doesn't seem to be what a "test" is supposed to do.
i don't know... just silly little things i was thinking about today.
tomorrow is my sister's first day back to school. she's been talking to me more recently. it's strange... she's never done it before, but now she's been actually communicating. today she told me that she was excited to win the raccoon of the month award, but it would be her last time because she's in 4th and that's where the school ends.
i've been working on peter's birthday present today. i'm trying to get it all in the package so i can send it out. my fingers hurt from sewing.

crazy little thing

(image by (*negativefeedback)

plastic surgery

i was hoping, that by today, the worst of this silly little sickness would've been gone. so far, i'm still not feeling too good. you know, usually the sickness has a pre-day, then the worst day, then like one or two days of aftermath. right? that's usually how it works. and i was really hoping for just the one or two days of aftermath. but it's still going. it's just a little frustrating because my family has a very dairy based diet. and i've been stuck eating oatmeal and toast. which, don't get me wrong, is fabulous. but i want a little spice in my life :) that song keeps getting stuck in my head "'cause i'm under the weather, just like the world, so sorry for being so bold..." haha

today, i'm going to get my hair cut. seems odd right, since i'm trying to grow it out... but i want it to be healthy and happy, and fun. so it's just a trim to keep everything from going all crazy. it's weird though. i saw myself the other day, and my hair was behind my ears, and i just felt so weird. like i looked like my freshman and sophomore self. and i didn't like it. i'm sort of thinking maybe i shouldn't grow my hair out too much. i like it right now. and maybe after cutting it i'll think differently. i don't know. we'll see.

wanted

well. class has started. this is what i wanted right? this is how i have set up my life. or... not set up my life. i guess, in a way, i just wait until people make my decisions for me. should i try and correct that? and still. all of this feels so incredibly unreal. like it isn't even happening. this is how i feel most of the time. like i'm stuck in the second dimension. i know that there is a "past" and a "future" but it doesn't really affect me. i can't see it. it's not happening. but i know. it's just not registering. i was hoping that by going to school it would all somehow just snap back into place. and i would be able to find my way back into the third dimension. but so far, i'm just frustrated. and annoyed that i need to be doing homework. and writing papers about the epistemological issues of history. is this really what i need to do? i've been waiting for something to bring me up and out of this whatever it is that i'm in. i thought this was it. but now, it just seems like it's going to freak out on me.



oh. and i think i might need glasses.