tonight i played an adventure game with my brother. we started at like 2 something. and we didn't finish until around 11:30. but there were some breaks in between and only minimal cheating. it was the something of monkey island. very cute. based off of the pirates of the caribbean ride.
it felt good to do something with my time. i want to get out of this funk. ugh.
i got to talk to nikki today. YAY! she got my letter :) and everything is okay. for which i am very very excited.
i also started a picture today. my first pencil drawing, since like, february. i've been stuck in the pens for a while. and i think i'm losing something. i can't get it right. i almost ripped it to pieces a few times. maybe i should just stay with pens... hah. we'll see how it goes.
i like completing things.
oh, and i cut open a toothpaste bottle... to see if i was right
i was...
and now i feel a little foolish.
Monday, June 29, 2009
is it? or isn't it....?
i was reading yesterday, about this woman who had decided that marriage was obsolete. she claimed that back when people were farmers, they needed a life partner, and the children to help them survive. but now with the institution of women's rights and equality and such, now, instead of being necessary, it's just a nuisance. and now parents are over-parenting their children. i was thinking about this a lot. my initial reaction after hearing this was huh, that makes sense. but i suppose that i am too attached to the institution of marriage and i was trying to find some way to justify the other way around. but i was thinking. if marriage is obsolete, than why are so many people GETTING MARRIED? even if half of them get divorced, a good chunk of divorcees decide to get remarried.
i was thinking, that the institution itself may not be so crucial to our survival. but people still have this need to find their life partner. we start at an early age. one of the first questions we ask people that we just meet "do you have a girlfriend" maybe most of the hunting is really about sex, but at the same time. many people believe that you need to have feelings for someone before you do the dirty. even if you wait for the second date... but even if it wasn't about sex, most people put a huge amount of time and energy into relationships. with friends or with future lovers. it seems like one of the most important things, is spending time with people you love. i think that we all have a desire to live with someone, to share our life. even people who never get married, or waste away in some super huge office building controlling minions. people want to be with other people. people want to be understood. so, i think that even if marriage doesn't benefit society. it doesn't really need to... it benefits the individuals.
i've always wondered how they get the toothpaste with different colors, to come out in their separate sections. at first i just thought, that they put it in the tube like that. but then i was thinking, NO, because when you squish it around so much, it's going to mix. so now i have this theory that there are thin plastic dividers inside the toothpaste tube, to keep everything separated... yeah.... this is what i think about.
i was thinking, that the institution itself may not be so crucial to our survival. but people still have this need to find their life partner. we start at an early age. one of the first questions we ask people that we just meet "do you have a girlfriend" maybe most of the hunting is really about sex, but at the same time. many people believe that you need to have feelings for someone before you do the dirty. even if you wait for the second date... but even if it wasn't about sex, most people put a huge amount of time and energy into relationships. with friends or with future lovers. it seems like one of the most important things, is spending time with people you love. i think that we all have a desire to live with someone, to share our life. even people who never get married, or waste away in some super huge office building controlling minions. people want to be with other people. people want to be understood. so, i think that even if marriage doesn't benefit society. it doesn't really need to... it benefits the individuals.
i've always wondered how they get the toothpaste with different colors, to come out in their separate sections. at first i just thought, that they put it in the tube like that. but then i was thinking, NO, because when you squish it around so much, it's going to mix. so now i have this theory that there are thin plastic dividers inside the toothpaste tube, to keep everything separated... yeah.... this is what i think about.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
pondering
"matilda and miss honey both got what they always wanted; a loving family"
i watched matilda today. it's so funny. i only watched it once when i was little, or at least, my dad only let me watch it once. but i loved that movie. i used to watch it at other people's houses. my dad didn't like it because it had some magic in it. he never let us watch aladdin either. (which is strange because caleigh's allowed to watch whatever she wants... ugh) but for some reason, i had the book -go figure- i read it so much, it was all weathered and i'm pretty sure i dropped it in some water somewhere, the front cover was all warped. i read it all the time. i really enjoyed charlie and the chocolate factory too! and james and the giant peach. roald dahl was one of my hero's.
i think i'm going to see if i can find his books at the library or something.
i went to the flea market today. i bought this really cute pair of elephant earrings. i've been thinking about getting my ears pierced for a while now. i think i started really considering around the end of april. i've been really intrigued with the whole thing ever since i was little. i used to put those little stickers on my ears... over class trip, i was going to go ahead and do it, but i wasn't yet 18, and i decided that since i was going to be camping like crazy over the summer, i should just hold off for a while. but i've been researching it. i don't think i want to attach myself with something that might have some interesting or negative connotations... so far, i've found out that people have been piercing their ears for a really long time. some tribes used to think that demons could enter your soul through your ears, so they would wear the metal in their ears, as a way of prevention. back in the day slaves would get their ears pierced showing that they belonged to their owners. and it seems like it was mostly used as a right of passage for both men and women.
i'm not sure that i would be able to subscribe to any of these, i kind of just really want to do it. i've been thinking about it a lot. i don't exactly want to rush into something. so far the only bad thing that i can see, is that it's permanent. BUT the only mark, is a tiny hole, that most people probably won't be able to notice unless they're looking for it. and if i ever get tired of wearing earrings... (here's the kicker, which is why i don't find the permanent thing very daunting) i don't have to put them in my ear. and after time, the hole will close up -depending on how long i've been wearing them- it's not as serious as getting a tattoo or something. (i don't have any interest in getting a tattoo... i know that if i ever got one, i'd probably regret it the second they finished... besides, i don't think i've ever seen a tattoo that wasn't in an awkward place. there really isn't anywhere to put them that doesn't look weird...
so really... what do i have to lose? not much... what do i have to gain? not really very much either. but i havent't found a reason that screams "no" yet... i guess we'll just have to see.
i watched matilda today. it's so funny. i only watched it once when i was little, or at least, my dad only let me watch it once. but i loved that movie. i used to watch it at other people's houses. my dad didn't like it because it had some magic in it. he never let us watch aladdin either. (which is strange because caleigh's allowed to watch whatever she wants... ugh) but for some reason, i had the book -go figure- i read it so much, it was all weathered and i'm pretty sure i dropped it in some water somewhere, the front cover was all warped. i read it all the time. i really enjoyed charlie and the chocolate factory too! and james and the giant peach. roald dahl was one of my hero's.
i think i'm going to see if i can find his books at the library or something.
i went to the flea market today. i bought this really cute pair of elephant earrings. i've been thinking about getting my ears pierced for a while now. i think i started really considering around the end of april. i've been really intrigued with the whole thing ever since i was little. i used to put those little stickers on my ears... over class trip, i was going to go ahead and do it, but i wasn't yet 18, and i decided that since i was going to be camping like crazy over the summer, i should just hold off for a while. but i've been researching it. i don't think i want to attach myself with something that might have some interesting or negative connotations... so far, i've found out that people have been piercing their ears for a really long time. some tribes used to think that demons could enter your soul through your ears, so they would wear the metal in their ears, as a way of prevention. back in the day slaves would get their ears pierced showing that they belonged to their owners. and it seems like it was mostly used as a right of passage for both men and women.
i'm not sure that i would be able to subscribe to any of these, i kind of just really want to do it. i've been thinking about it a lot. i don't exactly want to rush into something. so far the only bad thing that i can see, is that it's permanent. BUT the only mark, is a tiny hole, that most people probably won't be able to notice unless they're looking for it. and if i ever get tired of wearing earrings... (here's the kicker, which is why i don't find the permanent thing very daunting) i don't have to put them in my ear. and after time, the hole will close up -depending on how long i've been wearing them- it's not as serious as getting a tattoo or something. (i don't have any interest in getting a tattoo... i know that if i ever got one, i'd probably regret it the second they finished... besides, i don't think i've ever seen a tattoo that wasn't in an awkward place. there really isn't anywhere to put them that doesn't look weird...
so really... what do i have to lose? not much... what do i have to gain? not really very much either. but i havent't found a reason that screams "no" yet... i guess we'll just have to see.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
La Belle et la Bête
today.
i got to spend some time with my sister. i woke up at around 11:30. last night i didn't end up getting to bed until around 4:30. i haven't really been able to go to sleep before 2. when i woke up this morning, she was watching cartoons. so, i got some breakfast, and after a show, i decided it would be a good idea to say goodbye to the squeaky voiced and brightly colored oddities. so we conversed for a short while on what we should do. caleigh really enjoys computer games, so we went downstairs to play one. we decided on SPY FOX! i hadn't played in a really long time, so i let her play and i just kind of directed from the background... after the game, she wanted to go on a bike ride...
i haven't gotten on a bike since i got home. but as soon as i got ingrid out of the garage, i don't know. i just, felt right... i was just so happy. we only rode around the block a few times. i guess that's as far as dad lets her go. it seems so silly and ridiculous, but i just felt like everything was okay again...
we got back to the house, cleaned up, and then i fixed her hair. she likes that sort of thing. so i french braided it. then she made up this game where she was trying to get from my dresser to my bed without touching the floor. and she was making up all of these crazy rules to it... it was strange. but she had fun i guess.
then we decided to paint our nails! yay! such girlie fun right? i don't know, i was thinking about this, i'm not really sure what the big fuss is. i used to be so enamored with painting my fingernails. it was very monumental to my self expression back in the day. since i wasn't allowed to wear make up and i was still in that awkward self conscious state of mind so clothes didn't need to reflect me, they just needed to drown me. i took to painting my nails quite regularly. i had so many different colors. greens and blues purples yellows. all different. i would change them like every week...(i remember this one day, the lunch lady had the same color that i did, and it really freaked me out). but when i went to bma, i wasn't allowed to wear it anymore. so i wore the natural colors, and all of the funky one's on my toes. but after a while, i stopped bringing them to school with me, and i don't know. i guess i just sort of grew out of them. i really dislike having nail polish on my fingernails. most of the time i can't even handle clear. i just don't find it attractive or flattering, or anything at all. it just looks ugly. but i painted my toes today, for old times sake. and in order to bond with caleigh. but really, it's such an odd thing to do.
well after that thought provoking incident, we decided to eat some supper, and watch BEAUTY AND THE BEAST! i made some very fabulous grilled cheese sandwiches. usually i'm not very good at making them, but tonight, it just worked. so we sat down and watched this classic movie. it's one of my favorites. i was researching it online because... i have problems concentrating sometimes. so i was looking it up, and i found a copy of the semi-original fairy tale for like 7 dollars. and i think, that when my dad decides to refund me (he can't access his money until sunday or something like that, so he borrowed ALL of my money... uhm.) so when i get my money back, i think i'm going to buy it. such a good story. i almost cried today when we were watching it. sigh. the part with the library, and then with the snowball.... and with the sparkly rain...
and after that, everyone came home. so no more babysitting for me.
today was a good day.
i got a book in the mail... it says who it's from, but i don't know who they are, so i can only assume who sent it to me. i read it to caleigh today. i'm not sure if she enjoyed it quite as much as i did. but i was beaming, i was so happy...
i got to spend some time with my sister. i woke up at around 11:30. last night i didn't end up getting to bed until around 4:30. i haven't really been able to go to sleep before 2. when i woke up this morning, she was watching cartoons. so, i got some breakfast, and after a show, i decided it would be a good idea to say goodbye to the squeaky voiced and brightly colored oddities. so we conversed for a short while on what we should do. caleigh really enjoys computer games, so we went downstairs to play one. we decided on SPY FOX! i hadn't played in a really long time, so i let her play and i just kind of directed from the background... after the game, she wanted to go on a bike ride...
i haven't gotten on a bike since i got home. but as soon as i got ingrid out of the garage, i don't know. i just, felt right... i was just so happy. we only rode around the block a few times. i guess that's as far as dad lets her go. it seems so silly and ridiculous, but i just felt like everything was okay again...
we got back to the house, cleaned up, and then i fixed her hair. she likes that sort of thing. so i french braided it. then she made up this game where she was trying to get from my dresser to my bed without touching the floor. and she was making up all of these crazy rules to it... it was strange. but she had fun i guess.
then we decided to paint our nails! yay! such girlie fun right? i don't know, i was thinking about this, i'm not really sure what the big fuss is. i used to be so enamored with painting my fingernails. it was very monumental to my self expression back in the day. since i wasn't allowed to wear make up and i was still in that awkward self conscious state of mind so clothes didn't need to reflect me, they just needed to drown me. i took to painting my nails quite regularly. i had so many different colors. greens and blues purples yellows. all different. i would change them like every week...(i remember this one day, the lunch lady had the same color that i did, and it really freaked me out). but when i went to bma, i wasn't allowed to wear it anymore. so i wore the natural colors, and all of the funky one's on my toes. but after a while, i stopped bringing them to school with me, and i don't know. i guess i just sort of grew out of them. i really dislike having nail polish on my fingernails. most of the time i can't even handle clear. i just don't find it attractive or flattering, or anything at all. it just looks ugly. but i painted my toes today, for old times sake. and in order to bond with caleigh. but really, it's such an odd thing to do.
well after that thought provoking incident, we decided to eat some supper, and watch BEAUTY AND THE BEAST! i made some very fabulous grilled cheese sandwiches. usually i'm not very good at making them, but tonight, it just worked. so we sat down and watched this classic movie. it's one of my favorites. i was researching it online because... i have problems concentrating sometimes. so i was looking it up, and i found a copy of the semi-original fairy tale for like 7 dollars. and i think, that when my dad decides to refund me (he can't access his money until sunday or something like that, so he borrowed ALL of my money... uhm.) so when i get my money back, i think i'm going to buy it. such a good story. i almost cried today when we were watching it. sigh. the part with the library, and then with the snowball.... and with the sparkly rain...
and after that, everyone came home. so no more babysitting for me.
today was a good day.
i got a book in the mail... it says who it's from, but i don't know who they are, so i can only assume who sent it to me. i read it to caleigh today. i'm not sure if she enjoyed it quite as much as i did. but i was beaming, i was so happy...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
defluffed.
i washed the pillow that i made in textiles. i was trying to get the camping-ness out of it. but it turned out that i only succeeded in making the shag part come out. so i wasted some time trying to put it back together. and now it looks somewhat normal. i finished painting my room today. i even put a little elephant in the corner. well, not really the corner. he's inbetween my dresser and bookshelf. he's only about two inches... really cute.
apparently i'm babysitting tomorrow. no one let me know. mom is working, dad is working. chad is either working or going to class. so i am left at home alone with the little munchkin. not that i mind. i'm completely okay with this. but at the same time, there wasn't even a "oh hey carly would you mind watching caleigh tomorrow?" or a "since everyone is out tomorrow, will you watch caleigh?" nothing. so, i'm not really sure what i'm going to be doing with the little one. maybe hopefully something fun that she won't resent me for later... i don't know... it could happen.
my dad is trying to decide whether or not he wants to go and work at meadow view. which is all very strange seeing as how they fired him... uhm. but if he works there, i'll be able to go to andrews for dirt cheap. which would be nice. but i'm not sure if i want to go to andrews. i really dislike the adventist system right now. i don't think i want to go dive headfirst into a pool of it. but it would be nice to go live up there. maybe pookie will room with me. i hate that i've been changing my mind so much about all of this. but if i do decide to go to andrews, what will i do about moving in with brianna. all of the first year students need to live on campus. or so i've heard. i wasn't even sure if i wanted to move up there or not. i don't know how capable i am of doing something like that quite yet. i'm freaking out so completely... i just wish someone would hand me directions. i can't really factor in the andrews thing quite yet because dad didn't say if he was going to go in for the interview. i think though. if that works out. i'll definitely end up going to school up there... and we'll see how long i can take it... ugh. why is this all so complicated?
apparently i'm babysitting tomorrow. no one let me know. mom is working, dad is working. chad is either working or going to class. so i am left at home alone with the little munchkin. not that i mind. i'm completely okay with this. but at the same time, there wasn't even a "oh hey carly would you mind watching caleigh tomorrow?" or a "since everyone is out tomorrow, will you watch caleigh?" nothing. so, i'm not really sure what i'm going to be doing with the little one. maybe hopefully something fun that she won't resent me for later... i don't know... it could happen.
my dad is trying to decide whether or not he wants to go and work at meadow view. which is all very strange seeing as how they fired him... uhm. but if he works there, i'll be able to go to andrews for dirt cheap. which would be nice. but i'm not sure if i want to go to andrews. i really dislike the adventist system right now. i don't think i want to go dive headfirst into a pool of it. but it would be nice to go live up there. maybe pookie will room with me. i hate that i've been changing my mind so much about all of this. but if i do decide to go to andrews, what will i do about moving in with brianna. all of the first year students need to live on campus. or so i've heard. i wasn't even sure if i wanted to move up there or not. i don't know how capable i am of doing something like that quite yet. i'm freaking out so completely... i just wish someone would hand me directions. i can't really factor in the andrews thing quite yet because dad didn't say if he was going to go in for the interview. i think though. if that works out. i'll definitely end up going to school up there... and we'll see how long i can take it... ugh. why is this all so complicated?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
childhood
have you ever visited a place of your childhood? like an old classroom or the park or something. it always strikes me how little everything seems. when you're small, of course you're going to see things from way down there... but when you grow up, something gets lost. you just feel ridiculous.
i don't think i want to lose my childish perceptions. things are so easy to conquer when you don't have as far to fall.
i'm almost done with my room. tomorrow i need to go and get some more painters tape. then i'll be able to put the last few lines in. maybe while i'm out i'll get a mini paintbrush. i was thinking about painting some elephants and stick figures around the edges. it'd be really cute.
i don't think i want to lose my childish perceptions. things are so easy to conquer when you don't have as far to fall.
i'm almost done with my room. tomorrow i need to go and get some more painters tape. then i'll be able to put the last few lines in. maybe while i'm out i'll get a mini paintbrush. i was thinking about painting some elephants and stick figures around the edges. it'd be really cute.
Monday, June 22, 2009
teeth
tomorrow i have an appointment with the dentist to fix whatever is wrong with my tooth. and i'll probably find out that my wisdom teeth are coming in soon. there is some pain.... ugh. i'm just really scared. i hate going to the dentist. i don't think i've ever had a positive experience. i'm really just freaking out.
so in order to quell my butterflies, i've been trying to plan for people's birthday surprises.
i'm really upset right now...
i just want to be happy.
so in order to quell my butterflies, i've been trying to plan for people's birthday surprises.
i'm really upset right now...
i just want to be happy.
not done quite yet
i started the process this morning at around 10:45. it took me a while to put the tape up, and sweep the walls down, move all the furniture and such... so i didn't start painting really until like 11:40-something. i started with the windows, i figured they would be the hardest. then i moved to the left wall, hopped over to the right wall, took a lunch break. washed everything out, and then switched paint colors for the last wall, which is in the photo. the three other walls are the light beige color. the blue is what it was before i started painting. and the dark brown is what the stripes are going to be in, SO. this is how far i've gotten.
and i still have a little bit more to go... tomorrow will start coat 2. and then wed. i'll probably start the stripes :D
Sunday, June 21, 2009
working
"baby i can't figure it out, your kisses taste like honey"
tonight, i bought the paint for my room.
i'm painting it brown. changing rooms with my brother didn't work out. so i decided to go ahead and paint it anyway. so tonight, i'm going to either work on that drawing for steevo, or i'm going to start moving my furniture so that i can paint in the morning. i got two different types of brown. i'm going to take pictures of the process. the window and two attached walls are going to be light brown and the one across from the windows is going to be the dark chocolate brown. and then one of the light brown walls, will have some criss-crossed dark brown lines. at least i think that's how i want it to go. i don't think i want the dark brown to be the wall with the window, because that's where the light comes in, and i don't want to kill that. but i'm not sure if i want to put the dark wall next to the windows, or across from them.
and i'm sorry if i'm boring you with all of this talk. but i need something to occupy my time while i try to get out of this funk. so right now. this is the only project that i have.... i'm diving in!
gonna go start moving furniture! :D
tonight, i bought the paint for my room.
i'm painting it brown. changing rooms with my brother didn't work out. so i decided to go ahead and paint it anyway. so tonight, i'm going to either work on that drawing for steevo, or i'm going to start moving my furniture so that i can paint in the morning. i got two different types of brown. i'm going to take pictures of the process. the window and two attached walls are going to be light brown and the one across from the windows is going to be the dark chocolate brown. and then one of the light brown walls, will have some criss-crossed dark brown lines. at least i think that's how i want it to go. i don't think i want the dark brown to be the wall with the window, because that's where the light comes in, and i don't want to kill that. but i'm not sure if i want to put the dark wall next to the windows, or across from them.
and i'm sorry if i'm boring you with all of this talk. but i need something to occupy my time while i try to get out of this funk. so right now. this is the only project that i have.... i'm diving in!
gonna go start moving furniture! :D
another day,...
i'm really not doing very well today.
last night i was freaking out, and i couldn't get to sleep
today, i was browsing for paint colors...
when i got home, i just sort of broke down
i can't help thinking
what if this is all that i'm supposed to
do with my life.
what if all i'm going to amount up to is a quitter.
how can i even think about going to michigan when i can't even go
to canada.
how can i presume to think i'm ready to live on my own.
what if i go, and i can't do it?
i'm just really scared.
i'm scared, that i might be stuck here for the rest of my life
i can feel myself sinking into a depressed state of mind. and i can't stop it.
i just want someone to come and hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
last night i was freaking out, and i couldn't get to sleep
today, i was browsing for paint colors...
when i got home, i just sort of broke down
i can't help thinking
what if this is all that i'm supposed to
do with my life.
what if all i'm going to amount up to is a quitter.
how can i even think about going to michigan when i can't even go
to canada.
how can i presume to think i'm ready to live on my own.
what if i go, and i can't do it?
i'm just really scared.
i'm scared, that i might be stuck here for the rest of my life
i can feel myself sinking into a depressed state of mind. and i can't stop it.
i just want someone to come and hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
what else
would i be doing with my saturday morning
than looking up ways to make my future children's breakfasts enjoyable
so far i have discovered that if i want these kids to have an imagination,
i need to have one as well.
kids like bite sized things. so! cut the fruit!
kids also like fun shapes.
so, no normal sandwiches or pancakes...
cookie cutters!
so far, this one is my favorite....
than looking up ways to make my future children's breakfasts enjoyable
so far i have discovered that if i want these kids to have an imagination,
i need to have one as well.
kids like bite sized things. so! cut the fruit!
kids also like fun shapes.
so, no normal sandwiches or pancakes...
cookie cutters!
so far, this one is my favorite....
Friday, June 19, 2009
really?
i took one of those dorky quizzes today, just as a "hmm, let's pass the time" sort of moment, and this is what it came up with....
flattering, yes. truthful? probably not
You constantly analyze the deeper meaning of all that occurs in your life. You are on a never-ending journey to find your purpose in life. You are able to see through the surface of situations and the facades that people often carry. You are observant and non-judgmental. Your creative and thoughtful mind enhances your chosen and natural talents. You feel deeply and passionately about everything that you do. Your life is about the pursuit of knowledge, understanding, and answers. You have a great depth to your heart and mind that some may find intimidating and others will be drawn to.
flattering, yes. truthful? probably not
You constantly analyze the deeper meaning of all that occurs in your life. You are on a never-ending journey to find your purpose in life. You are able to see through the surface of situations and the facades that people often carry. You are observant and non-judgmental. Your creative and thoughtful mind enhances your chosen and natural talents. You feel deeply and passionately about everything that you do. Your life is about the pursuit of knowledge, understanding, and answers. You have a great depth to your heart and mind that some may find intimidating and others will be drawn to.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
you'd think
that since i spend so much time with myself
i'd know who i really am.
but most of the time, i wake up
and have no idea where the hell i've ended up.
"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."-eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
i'd know who i really am.
but most of the time, i wake up
and have no idea where the hell i've ended up.
"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."-eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
some aftermath
so, i didn't make it to canada. i didn't even make it out of pennsylvania. after about 135 miles, i burned out. and i'm really upset. i want to feel like i'm okay with my decision. but at the same time, i really wish that i could have made it. i feel like such a failure. maybe there are a lot of different factors to consider though. i felt really awful for making peter struggle with me. maybe i should've just dealt with it. but i just felt so horrible. he would stay behind with me while i was wheezing my way over hills. i couldn't take it. my legs were just so finished... and dan would go racing on ahead... i just.. i didn't feel like i belonged. i felt inferior. and i didn't want to feel like i was ruining their summer. so i left. in a nutshell, that is what went down. and now i get to explain to everyone that it just didn't work out.
there must be some good though. right? i went biking and camping for four days. with all of the training and preparation and such, i probably have somewhere around 200 miles conquered.
i'm really hoping that i don't just fade out this summer. i was really looking forward to spending time with peter, but now it looks like that's not going to happen. he tried so hard to keep my spirits up. i'm just sorry i'm not someone else, maybe it would've worked. i don't want to be a quitter.
i don't want to dwell on the negatives. yes, it would've been nice to continue, but maybe i should just look ahead, towards my future. i'll get to spend time with peter when he gets back, and i'll get to bug him about stories. i get to go to michigan in november.
i just need a little sunshine.
there must be some good though. right? i went biking and camping for four days. with all of the training and preparation and such, i probably have somewhere around 200 miles conquered.
i'm really hoping that i don't just fade out this summer. i was really looking forward to spending time with peter, but now it looks like that's not going to happen. he tried so hard to keep my spirits up. i'm just sorry i'm not someone else, maybe it would've worked. i don't want to be a quitter.
i don't want to dwell on the negatives. yes, it would've been nice to continue, but maybe i should just look ahead, towards my future. i'll get to spend time with peter when he gets back, and i'll get to bug him about stories. i get to go to michigan in november.
i just need a little sunshine.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
today is the trip down to peter's mom's house...
i'm a little nervous, i woke up this morning and felt
so awful. i hope that i feel better when we actually leave
i'm actually realy excited about the whole idea.
i just wish i was more, not feeling like i'm going to throw up...
i'm crossing my fingers that it's just the normal morning gross-ness..
yesterday i went out with brianna and katie to go see the bloom brothers.
i wasn't really sure what to expect. normally when i go places with
people i'm not extremely close to, i end up feeling intimidated and awkward
but this time it was completely different. it was refreshing. and i completely
loved the movie.
i've been thinking a lot about michigan. i have all of these irrational
doubts and fears about it. i'm a little scared. i think mostly because, i spend
most of my time waiting for other people to tell me what to do. for various reasons... and i'm kind of unprepared to be put in a place where what i say
actually matters... it's different. i think though, that i'm really going to
follow through with it. yes, i'm scared out of my mind. but i'm scared about a
lot of things. and there is so much that i could do up there. i think that not going would be more of a problem than going... now i just have to tell my family... :(
i'm a little nervous, i woke up this morning and felt
so awful. i hope that i feel better when we actually leave
i'm actually realy excited about the whole idea.
i just wish i was more, not feeling like i'm going to throw up...
i'm crossing my fingers that it's just the normal morning gross-ness..
yesterday i went out with brianna and katie to go see the bloom brothers.
i wasn't really sure what to expect. normally when i go places with
people i'm not extremely close to, i end up feeling intimidated and awkward
but this time it was completely different. it was refreshing. and i completely
loved the movie.
i've been thinking a lot about michigan. i have all of these irrational
doubts and fears about it. i'm a little scared. i think mostly because, i spend
most of my time waiting for other people to tell me what to do. for various reasons... and i'm kind of unprepared to be put in a place where what i say
actually matters... it's different. i think though, that i'm really going to
follow through with it. yes, i'm scared out of my mind. but i'm scared about a
lot of things. and there is so much that i could do up there. i think that not going would be more of a problem than going... now i just have to tell my family... :(
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
wrongwrongwrong
for the past few days, i've felt kind of leech-like
i don't know, maybe i'm just letting things get to
me. everything i do lately has just been wrong.
wrong thing to do, wrong thing to say. i feel so
ignorant.
i don't know, maybe i'm just letting things get to
me. everything i do lately has just been wrong.
wrong thing to do, wrong thing to say. i feel so
ignorant.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
arrival
i departed from my home at around 6 pm this evening
and have arrived safely at the gallatins house. i'm very excited to be here. i felt my perspectives changing as we crossed over from new jersey into penn. something about being home just sort of drowns me a little bit. and i always find myself slipping back into this state of lethargy and despair.
so i am thankful for some changes in scenery and for the opportunity to be somewhere else for a while.
and then the big trip is coming.
i'm glad that we have plans for tomorrow.
i was nervous that i would get up here, and not know what to do with myself.
i was scared that i would arrive and then freak out
because i'm just wasting my life in a different location. but so far.
the future is bright. and i am reaping in the benefits :D
and have arrived safely at the gallatins house. i'm very excited to be here. i felt my perspectives changing as we crossed over from new jersey into penn. something about being home just sort of drowns me a little bit. and i always find myself slipping back into this state of lethargy and despair.
so i am thankful for some changes in scenery and for the opportunity to be somewhere else for a while.
and then the big trip is coming.
i'm glad that we have plans for tomorrow.
i was nervous that i would get up here, and not know what to do with myself.
i was scared that i would arrive and then freak out
because i'm just wasting my life in a different location. but so far.
the future is bright. and i am reaping in the benefits :D
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
we aren't laughing
we can't help but think
she's talking about us
instead of them.
sometimes
she realizes it's not true
routine.
she just forgets
that's what we say
she can't help it
but its not true.
we're burying her
piece by piece
we can't talk
she'll figure it out
we cover our lips
but she knows.
she knows
and she's angry
but she doesn't know
that we can tell.
she forgets her nose
when we walk by
she forgets
it's convenience
we can't remember
somethings
some things.
she picks up the pieces
for safe keeping
we don't know how to stop
she's talking about us
instead of them.
sometimes
she realizes it's not true
routine.
she just forgets
that's what we say
she can't help it
but its not true.
we're burying her
piece by piece
we can't talk
she'll figure it out
we cover our lips
but she knows.
she knows
and she's angry
but she doesn't know
that we can tell.
she forgets her nose
when we walk by
she forgets
it's convenience
we can't remember
somethings
some things.
she picks up the pieces
for safe keeping
we don't know how to stop
unforgettable, that's what you are -false-
tonight is my last night at home... for a while. my dad took me out to get a book or two and of course my very fabulous dress, that i'm thinking i will wear tomorrow... or perhaps in a few days...
for graduation, a lovely gift card was bestowed upon me, and tonight i put it to good use. i bought some Wilde, and some Potok, and some Dostoyevsky :)
and i met a very fabulous elephant named wink
for graduation, a lovely gift card was bestowed upon me, and tonight i put it to good use. i bought some Wilde, and some Potok, and some Dostoyevsky :)
and i met a very fabulous elephant named wink
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
death of a
"the world is full of beds, and most of the beds are full of women"
i read the plot summary for "gone with the wind" today... maybe i shouldn't have. i just feel so much pain for Rhett
i was drifting in and out of a little mini depression today.
i ended up spending a significant amount of time with my aunt's dog, cleo
we are baby-sitting for a week or so because tracy decided to go down to north
carolina, and my grandma who normally watches cleo, went too. so.
i was very content sitting outside while cleo licked my face and jumped on my lap.
it's so strange, because i used to be so scared of dogs. but she just looked so sad.. i wanted to just hold her for a while... maybe this is a sign.
or a transition or something...
i couldn't help but think of how much i would enjoy having a dog... not a big one, but one of those little fluffy rambunctious ones...
although the poor dog... i would probably name it puppy
sometimes, i feel like i give people the wrong perception... i read some pages of my yearbook last night... and i was really surprised... i guess, i really don't understand how they could ever see me like that. i don't get it... i'm not really anything out of the ordinary. i hate feeling like i'm somehow deceiving people.
i'm trying to finish a picture of an elephant... and i just can't stay concentrated on it.... i really want to get it done, but i don't want to miss out on all of the important little details... i have considered just leaving it unfinished. but for my first elephant, in a series.... i don't think i can...
ugh. stupid stupid
i read the plot summary for "gone with the wind" today... maybe i shouldn't have. i just feel so much pain for Rhett
i was drifting in and out of a little mini depression today.
i ended up spending a significant amount of time with my aunt's dog, cleo
we are baby-sitting for a week or so because tracy decided to go down to north
carolina, and my grandma who normally watches cleo, went too. so.
i was very content sitting outside while cleo licked my face and jumped on my lap.
it's so strange, because i used to be so scared of dogs. but she just looked so sad.. i wanted to just hold her for a while... maybe this is a sign.
or a transition or something...
i couldn't help but think of how much i would enjoy having a dog... not a big one, but one of those little fluffy rambunctious ones...
although the poor dog... i would probably name it puppy
sometimes, i feel like i give people the wrong perception... i read some pages of my yearbook last night... and i was really surprised... i guess, i really don't understand how they could ever see me like that. i don't get it... i'm not really anything out of the ordinary. i hate feeling like i'm somehow deceiving people.
i'm trying to finish a picture of an elephant... and i just can't stay concentrated on it.... i really want to get it done, but i don't want to miss out on all of the important little details... i have considered just leaving it unfinished. but for my first elephant, in a series.... i don't think i can...
ugh. stupid stupid
Monday, June 1, 2009
the bay
i'm really getting rather excited about all of this biking around
today, i'm planning on going down and buying a dress :)a very cute
green summery dress!
yesterday, my dad tried to go on the bay, and the boat didn't start, so he came home and milled around for a bit, and then invited me to search for some roads and such in the area, the plan was that, while he was out fishing, i would be out biking :) so i google maps'd it and i found an 18 mile run... it was so pretty :) i had a picture ... but i took it with my phone, and my thumb was in the shot... *shame*
so i biked, and then went to the end of this road... that was surrounded by bay water... took this little sandy path, and my dad picked me up... we were on the bay for a while just chillin' and then when we were headed back to pack up and go, but we came across this guy, who had gotten his 21 ft. boat stuck on a tiny little sand bar... he was out in the water, with a rope... trying to pull it off... very interesting image... but we helped him, and he gave us a little money, insisting that he was about to call people and it would've cost him even more money... we we went back, packed up, and had a very nice pancake supper at ihop... at around 9 pm... haha. but it was all very fun, another adventure to add to the list..
today, i'm planning on going down and buying a dress :)a very cute
green summery dress!
yesterday, my dad tried to go on the bay, and the boat didn't start, so he came home and milled around for a bit, and then invited me to search for some roads and such in the area, the plan was that, while he was out fishing, i would be out biking :) so i google maps'd it and i found an 18 mile run... it was so pretty :) i had a picture ... but i took it with my phone, and my thumb was in the shot... *shame*
so i biked, and then went to the end of this road... that was surrounded by bay water... took this little sandy path, and my dad picked me up... we were on the bay for a while just chillin' and then when we were headed back to pack up and go, but we came across this guy, who had gotten his 21 ft. boat stuck on a tiny little sand bar... he was out in the water, with a rope... trying to pull it off... very interesting image... but we helped him, and he gave us a little money, insisting that he was about to call people and it would've cost him even more money... we we went back, packed up, and had a very nice pancake supper at ihop... at around 9 pm... haha. but it was all very fun, another adventure to add to the list..
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