up?

stupid-face decided to send me something.
ugh. you know, every single time, that i finally
feel like i am waaaay over this bridge, he does something
and i'm right back where i started from.
it's as if i don't have control of myself
anymore, he does.
i wish, there was someone who could tell me
what i'm supposed to do. i want to heal
but, in this situation, i'm not really sure
how... and i'm not sure that anyone else can
tell me how. of the one's that i would ask for
advice, most would not sympathetically... there are
a few who would rather not talk about it at all (that's
a little ironic, dont you think?) and the others
don't have a clue as to what they're doing.
it's not a simple situation.
and it's not his fault.
i think that's the one thing that
is really getting to me at this point...
i want to blame him for everything. so i can feel
vindicated. but i can't,
the whole thing was this huge complicated mass
of mind games, and manipulation.
we both played...
i'm at the point of shame.

when i was younger, i used to carve out
little spaces in various rooms... little empty
places, like a closet, or behind a dresser...
and if i put a blanket, or a chair or something in front
of the hole. no one could find me. and i felt so
relieved

but now i'm scared