first tour

as the time for departure draws nearer
i can feel myself getting more and more excited...
but then i think about it, and the more dread i feel.
for some reason, it feels ...
wrong
(awkward turtle)
like when you go buy food by yourself
or, when you tell someone else about
your inside joke.

it's different, in a bad way
so 08-ers... consider yourselves indefinitely missed

fafsa

... for this class period
we are supposed to be filling out our FAFSA
stuff... but i'm not sure that i really want to

they're just going to ask me a whole bunch of questions that
i don't know the answers to
so again, another wasted day

it's actually quite awful.
it was going okay, but then it wasn't. it was very wavy...
this morning i felt awful, but then, i didn't.
but then i did.
and then i didn't
and then i did again
because i found out that i actually really do suck at
my job
and, my boss is getting kind of aggravated with me

i feel very much surrounded by negative things
and i would like to not be... anymore
BUT, it's not working.

i don't want to think about the future
what i really want to do, right now. is sit in my room
with my blanket. and... do absolutely nothing
nothing at all
my deepest needs right now, are to be warm
so, maybe i'll invite someone to come and cuddle with me or something.

i'm kind of upset with myself right now.
(oh man)because, for the past few months
i've been on a steady incline of weight gain
and i'm walking around feeling like an ugly large
bulbous creature. and there's nothing i can do about it
i'm kind of thinking about not letting anyone wear my
clothes anymore.
there's nothing worse, than letting someone borrow one
of your favorite articles of clothing, and having it be
loose on them...
i guess though, the problem with this is that i am friends with
tiny people.

and tiny people are smaller than me. :)

i'm very aggravated right now.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

writers conference

Act I Scene I
stolen stone
taken
for violent misuse
forgotten are the harmonies that dwelled
before
now only disgusting purposes remain
with lore
the balance and pace of a misguided tribe
shattered and uncovered with one
final blow
throw...

Act I Scene II
Terrified of what's behind
driven by the hunger that thrives his mind
the others won't help his need provoked
only by thoughts of greed
to shun to kick ignore
he's felt it all before
he remembers the birth
of their stereotypes
alone and cold he finds shelter.
his
...hope arrives in the form of nourish
hidden by the transparent mockery
no longer ashamed of the story behind
he picks up the stone. blows
throws.

Act I Scene III
Haughty gorged with the sense of pride
the public safety in his hinds eye
his deeds widely known
if only they could see, they'd groan
moan with the thought of one so unjust
placed in such position, a must
filled with thoughts of perfect lust
to see the boy pick up the stone
of course the creature must atone
the dirt who threw the rock must pay
the broken glass and bread aghast
to see the flaming passion
he throws blows!
he strikes and slices the poor boy senseless
he was only penniless.

Act I Scene IV
Justice was served and the boy lay bleeding
the man walks away and the stone is pleading
shouts of mercy fill it's head
"this urchin will soon be dead
forgive him please"
it sobs with dread
at the thought of
circumstance eloping with red


AND SCENE

it needs work. a lot
we were at writers conference and the last session was about poetry
and this isn't much of one, but it's what i wrote while we
were supposed to

another day, another... ugh

so it's true...
they're getting married...
abel and some... person
i don't even know her name

and as much as this shouldn't bother me
it does.

we broke up in march. and they've been together for a while
long enough to get married anyway...
it's only october...
how many months is that?
seven?
and there are pictures of them from 05...
(am i reading too much into this?)

im happy for him. really i am...
(not)
but, it just doesn't seem like it fits together
i hope he knows what he's doing...
anyways...
i've decided to wash my hands of this nonsense..
completely!

but... it still hurts you know?
a lot

not like i would ever tell him that...
pfff...

sigh... i would like to be okay now
please...?

a confession

i came home today.
both my mom and dad came to pick me up.
which is kind of awkward when you think about it..
at least it was for me.
my dad has never come to get me on homeleaves.
not in the three years that i've been at bma.
he hasn't come once.

it's strange to think that he can be so busy
even though he doens't have a job.
it was an interesting thought to me...

i'm very much regretting coming home
my computer broke, so i'm using my dads...
there's nothing to cook. and i'm pretty much
just stuck cooped up in the house... all day.
:/ i was so scared of having nothing to do,
i finished my state rep. project for government.

i'm very ashamed of what my life has become.
at school, i spend my days wandering around
wishing that i had something to occupy my time
and at home, i'm just trying to stay away from
depression.
this is my day to day life...
and yet, as much as i hate it
i'm not sure that i have enough energy
to become pasisonate about anything.
i think it's humorous in a way, that i started enjoying
photography, but now, pookie is the one that takes the pictures.
and, i used to write, but now... i leave it up to others to write
my poems... i used to sing. but i can't anymore.
i used to sing all of the time. on the path down to classes,
down to lunch
up to the dorm.
but i can't anymore.
i can't...

everything that i love, is being shaken away from me.

this week, i got so mad at pooper.
i get mad at him a lot, and... he doesn't really care
and i think that's one of the things that bothers me.
pretty much, i feel like i'm the only one that cares
about our relationship.
and i miss him.
even with nothing to do, i haven't been able to spend
time with him, and he hasn't even cared.
and i'm so frustrated. because our relationship is
one sided.
and i'm no longer tall enough to complete that task.
so, i wrote him an official friendship resignation.
i haven't given it to him yet.
i don't think i will.
because he won't care...
it's not like i haven't talked to him about this before
i have.
perhaps i did not articulate myself well enough.
which seems to happen.
but, nothing has changed.
so i can't see how, doing that, would solve anything.
it would just make me feel awful, knowing that i mean that much to him...
and i'm not willing to sever the ties yet completely
i'll wait until college for that.
i know it's going to happen.
it's inevitable.
if he can't have a relationship with me now,
there's no way that he will later...
and it sucks... yes.

but what am i to do?

i have a knot in the back of my neck.
it's getting really bad.
but i dont' have anyone to get it out for me
and i am in pain.
ow.

in contiunation

there are to terrible things.
when someone hurts a loved one
and when someone you don't like sings one of your
favorite songs.

this weekend i was at kyle's house.
it was leadership retreat. so almost everything with legs was gone.
including pookie.
so in order to have a weekend NOT like last one. i went to kyle's house.
well. it turns out
that i probably should have stayed in the dorm.

i ended up feeling really uncomfortable most of the time. their family has a very distinct way of interacting. as in. they have really short fuses with each other. (and it seems to me as if the mrs. isn't happy, at all.) so it leaves me feeling awkward and unsure... like a child. (not only because they're filthy rich, and my family can't even afford to buy food anymore. mostly because i'm here. care to throw in another guilt trip?) it doesn't seem like they really appreciate anything. (not to complain about a very common cliche...)
i felt really out of place there.
like an alien.
so i was pretty melencholy the whole weekend.
but i think that i've decided that i don't want to create an atmosphere in my home where children can't grow up.
it's seriously what their house felt like to me.
i felt like a little kid who wasn't allowed to make any decisions....

i'm sick of being here.
i just want to dissapear.

lately every time i turn to someone that i love for advice, or for comfort
they all turn away like i have the plague.
it's like they're disowning me.
i don't understand.

i call home, they pretty much are ignoring me now.
i talk to someone up here, they look at me like i'm retarded.
why the heck am i trying so hard to love people, when they don't love me back?
i'm ready now... to start my life.
i feel very very ... alone all the time.
it's not moods anymore

it has stopped dissipating.
and is now constant.
i feel ignorant, and ashamed most of the time.
and... i dont' even know anymore.

just another waste

it's becoming harder and harder to be optimistic about things
(all of the time) i just want to go hide somewhere
and not be a part of it.
NOT BE A PART

i'm tired.

more on this later....

unfortunately

there is way too much time
but not enough

in happier news.
i finished my sonnet

it's kinda sucky
but i'm glad it's over with

i should

be happier than i am right now.
this morning i ate a cookie
i'm wearing "midnight pomegranate"
also a very wonderul scarf from espana
i'm trying to write a sonnet...
and still i am rather depressed this morning.

the other day, kyle was reading a book about relationships. haha
and it came to this part, that says, you should always be honest when you break up with someone. you need to tell them the truth and the reason why you're severing the relationship.
and i couldn't fully agree. because i've done it.
in fact, i just got an email from an ex. and
i know that i should tell him why i broke up with him. but it's too late now. how am i supposed to say, "you abused me emotionally and i think you did it on purpose?"
i can't

i can't even respond to his email
i can't even tell him how i'm doing.

UGH!

how am i supposed to tell #2 that i thought he was an idiot and he made me uncomfortable...?

technicality?

BRAIN WASH!

i'm back

right now, i'm listening to elliott smith. and trying to write number three out of four essasys that i need to finish by next wednesday. number three is about "the overcoat" by nikolai gogol. i love the story, but i would really rather not write about it right now. i really dont' want to do anything
i just got back from cuc collge days. what a barrel full of monkey fun that was.
on the bright side i think i've figured out what i want to do with my life.
i think i've decided that i like english enough to teach it.
i was day dreaming for the past day or so about what i would be like in a classroom setting. immersing myself in one of the subjects that i absolutely adore. and i am rather excited. :D
and if i ever become an enlish teacher. the first thing that i'm going to make my students read is beowolf.

because i'm a horrible person.