one day

i think... i would like to end up like this

finally!

i'm getting my family out of the house today!
we're going to try out one of these bike trails :)
it's supposed to be 30 miles, but we're going to do about 13 of it..
bill and james are tagging along...

i've been looking at elephants all morning
i found a few pictures that would be good
to stipple... that's probably what i'll be
doing in my spare time up at danika's :)

this morning i was pretty close to freaking out
im getting a little nervous about canada
and i know it's ridiculous. but... i can't help it
it's now i function...
i'm just hoping that it goes away soon... it's rather
annoying :)

i'm very excited to be alive today...
and for my rekindled feist addiction

and WE'RE OFF!

joyous

tonight, i am dying my hair. in an attempt to find some semblance of normalcy... i also, finished my first stippling, IN COLOR. what fun. and this is a picture, of the second one... because the first one, was absolutely horrible :P

and this one has issues as well... but
i take solace in the fact that it is better than the previous.
i am trying to find more subject matter
i've been on this crazy artistic binge
i just want to soak it up!
i found this guy who is so amazingly talented. he stippled an elephant and there is no way to describe just how perfect it is. hopefully, i will be able to catch myself up to his level.

i have this impulse to go dive into a pool of art.
as silly and ridiculous as that sounds.
i want to create... and be understood.

and i want to eat some cake

strange

yesterday, i think i must have been a little depressed or something, because i woke up this morning, and all i wanted to do was go somewhere, and enjoy the trip... so i took my little bike down to pemberton lake :) as seen here

i stayed, and milled around for a bit, but then i went down to this cute little hidden building thing... im not sure how old it is, but i was pretty excited to see it.

well, then i biked around and found some chickens... and then i came home.

but i had fun... and i don't understand why yesterday was so horrible... ugh.. silly little girl :)

sometimes

i get this feeling
in my gut,
that i shouldn't go to sleep
because something will get me

like that feeling you get
before you throw up.
that catch in your throat

or when you think there's a monster in your closet
and you want to run and hide
in your parents bed...

that feeling that you shouldn't be
alone, because
there's something bad, just around the corner...

scared

my brother just offered to drop me off at a nj bike trail... i know that i should go.
i went biking today, but only 6 miles, and i know that i should go on this excursion, but i'm scared out of my mind to do it alone... i would probably be scared to do it with someone, but at least there is the comfort of having them there next to me. does this make me weak? pathetic maybe? she can't go by herself. i don't know what i'm walking into...

i just read a news article, about this woman who abducted her child, and fled to disney world...
i wouldn't have thought anything of it, except she seemed a little like me.
her husband said that it came out of nowhere and she was always leaving him little notes saying she loved him...
maybe that's what my future has resigned to...

truly, best night ever!

peter came to surprise me for my birthday today!
i was working on a picture for nathanael, and he walked in the door
i was so happy i almost cried..!
and we toasted, with toast...
and now he's sleeping (or he is supposed to be)
and i am getting ready to go to bed..
and jacob wrote me a birthday song..
i'm just so happy

we're not

i just got off of the phone with pooper. he called to talk about the note that i wrote him for graduation... (just goes to show you that you shouldn't write letters to people while you're incredibly depressed and bawling your eyes out...) (i didn't tell him that part) i get frustrated with pooper a lot because i don't feel like he cares about me... at all. and we've had this conversation before, i know... but then after, nothing really changes. i just get so angry, because i don't think he understands how important it is to me. we just had this drawn out conversation about how i feel like when people don't spend time with me, it means they don't love me.. (in his words)and of course it doesn't work like that for him, but that doesn't mean it isn't for me... i have an i-need-to-stay-in-contact-with-you sort of mentality. i need to leave people notes, or send ridiculous emails, or say hello when i'm walking by, or call at a random hour, send text messages... i need to. it's how i function. and maybe i should just shove the idea into my head, that not everyone is like me... but i'm like me... i need to feel like i've told you that i love you. so i write notes, and plan surprises, and all of that, because i have to say it. i need to tell you. and for some reason, i only get mad at pooper. but i actually feel like i'm friends with everyone else, but with pooper, it's different. i don't feel like i'm worthy of being his friend, i feel like i just bother him, and interrupt his life, and it's just horrible. i feel like he's saying, "you're not worthy of my time"
maybe i'm not...
arg! i shouldn't be allowed to feel! it just complicates things. i hate being misunderstood when i'm trying to talk... my dad was yelling at me this morning because i was trying to explain how he was making me feel. i just can't win... i don't even want to play the game anymore...
i hate this so much...
i wish someone would just be here...
.. with my luck they'd probably just run away screaming...

drama

sometimes, i just get so tired. last night, i was bawling my eyes out... ugh, such a girl. peter and i talked for a while, it cheered me up, but i didn't end up going to sleep until around 2:30/3:00. then my roommate woke me up at 6. i packed, went to the grad. service. DIDN'T cry (oh joy) but then i went to hang out with my family.
such fun...
i was berated for my future life goals and plans.
and of course drilled about the summer plans

you know? for once, i wish that they wouldn't...


i hate feeling like, every time i'm with my family
i'm the odd one out. they pick me, to make fun of,
sometimes, i really feel like its because im the
accident

bittersweet

tonight is my last trip to the gallatins (probably)
i am a little upset, just because it isn't how i imagined it would be
which is how many things have been going lately.
i just wish that everything would turn out alright now.
and i would feel like myself
i had a horrible dream last night.
i haven't really been sleeping very well all week actually
but last night, was probably one of the most surprising
and terrible dreams i've ever had.
who knows... maybe i'll never feel like me again. or
i'll never feel okay
i wish that was false...

ugh. i'm ready.

doom and gloom

i went to practice with pooper this morning. which was good, because i needed to actually feel like, i am somewhat preparing for this gelatinous recital of mine. the one song that i really wanted to work on, Il Mio Bel Foco. (pooper made me dance around and sing enthusiastically) and i am glad, if only because i finally was able to finish something. and i am comfortable with 3 out of 4 italian songs. but then, after we finished that, we moved on to only hope... and it was awful. and really, right now, all i want to do is cry... i used to sing it all the time, everywhere... but i haven't sung it in 3 years... so i tried it this morning, and it was awful. not only was i off on most of it, but there wasn't any emotion in it at all, and i'm so incredibly
upset. this was supposed to be a surprise. something nice, and right now, it's only awful. i kind of want to just throw it out... there is no higher form of redundancy. my last song, super epic! i just wanted it to be something, special. like an apology for not talking to him this year. maybe he'll snap back into reality. you know? but maybe it's not working because we don't work. how am i supposed to sing this song for him, when we don't make sense any more... perhaps i should just save it for a time when we are no longer at odds. but what if that never happens. is it enough to perform songs that have no meaning to him? but they have meaning to me!
i'm tired of stressing about this... i'm tired of thinking about it all the time. this morning i woke up every 5-10 minutes from 4 until 6:20. i'm tired of not enjoying myself. yesterday my mind shut down. i didn't think about anything at all, i just went through my classes in this awful kaleidoscopic misery. i keep freaking out whenever i wash my hair, i don't want it to fall out again...

i tried to explain to my mom this past homeleave, why i hated my dad when i was younger. she stared at me like i was ridiculous. i can't remember ever having fun with my dad back in the day. i'm sure that i did. but the only things that i DO remember are getting in trouble. i'm not even sure what i would do, apparently i was quite rebellious. but i don't remember that part. i remember that he was the one that would spank me, and then after i was completely bawling, he would give me a hug and tell me he loved me. i'm quite sure that i really did deserve the punishment. but i didn't feel like i deserved it. and i remember not understanding what had happened. it was hard for me to talk, it sill is hard for me to talk... i can't. it would be so much easier if people could just see into my head. maybe they would get it. but then when i grew up, our relationship was finally okay. everything was good, and then it just wasn't anymore. maybe i did something wrong, i don't know. maybe it's unfair of me to expect that singing this stupid song is going to change anything. i just want to blame him for everything wrong in my life. but at the same time, i know that i should really just be blaming myself. he's not responsible for what i do...
i'm not even sure that i want them to come...

the well rounded advice of the day is to suck it up and get over it. time to put on a happy face and get through the day...

thou wouldst fain

hmm, today, and yesterday, and the day before that, and actually this whole week really... i have been feeling rather down. i found this picture on deviant this morning, and i think it is a rather fair representation of my reasoning lately.

i've been working on my speech. i'm slightly aggravated with that, because i was talking with another classmate, and told them what i had planned, and then they gave their speech on what i had told them about... i'm not angry with them, just a little frustrated... they didn't warn me, or let me know and so now i'm trying to figure out if i still want to go ahead and go for it, or if i want to back down and try to scrounge something else up out of nowhere...
i'm a little disheartened.. there are so many things that i want to do, that i want to finish. but i am not allowed to do them, to work on them, to think about them. there are so many other things of pseudo-importance....

a little extra push

in my younger years i can remember absolutely hating friday nights. my family did not do anything at all. once the sun went down, everything else turned off (especially our minds) if we were lucky, my siblings and i would get to watch a veggitales movie. but most of the night was spent waiting until it was okay to go to sleep. but then saturday night, it was okay to do whatever we wanted... my sundays were amazing, but when thursday came, i was so depressed... i never really understood why people enjoyed the weekend. but my family became more and more liberal over the next couple of years. sixth grade brought about instant messaging for me... and so i would log onto the computer and try to have a conversation with someone. 7th and 8th grade brought about the salvation of a youth group. my brother and i would embark with dad over to melissa's house and stay until 10 or 11 and i wouldn't feel like my night was wasted. then bma came and having vespers really took the kick out of everything. on homeleaves though, it was back to the same old routine... and i used to go to jay leno's website and read all of the headlines that he had showed, the one's that i had missed while at school, and of course i would myspace... haha. but i was just sitting here, thinking how pathetic that all really is... tonight, is the friday night of my last bma homeleave, and i was just thinking about all of the other one's...and how tomorrow i will probably not go to church, because i do not enjoy going. so i will sleep in and say goodbye to my family, the rest of the day will probably be spent doing something adventurous, then the next day is sunday which means hopefully waking up in time to go to the flea market, and making sure that everything is packed so that i can go back to bma, and finish out the rest of my 5 weeks. it's all rather upsetting at this point...

i went biking today. twice, actually. (i took my sister around the block) instead of doing the 14 mile loop (which is more than double what i did yesterday) i cut it up. baby steps right? i went on a 10 mile loop. i had not realized, because i wasn't really paying attention, that one of the roads that i was biking on, is one of the major roads in the area. so i was on the road with huge cars and trucks going way faster than i was comfortable with. it was an eye opener. mostly i think, because i was alone. it made me realize, just how fragile i really am. i kept thinking about all of the worst case scenarios. what would happen if a bug hit me in the eye and i swerved a little too far and BAM! i'm gone. i couldn't help imagining what it would feel like to get hit by a car/truck/large vehicle. every time they passed me, i thought about it. how close do i need to get. how close CAN i get. what happens if i stick out my hand. i'm not wearing a helmet. will it hurt. i don't have my phone on me, it would take them a while to find out.

i painted today, and by painted i mean, i found six small tubes of water based paints in my room that i have been meaning to use, so i emptied them all into the lid of a shoebox and mixed them all together. there is a fairly interesting color pattern in it.. it's drying right now because there is so much of it, i think i'm going to keep it. i found them while i was cleaning out my room. it happens every once in a while... i'd say about once a month, around homeleaves. i come back into my room and see all of those things, just sitting there, so i get a trash bag, and go through everything that i own, throwing things out... just getting rid of them. it's an interesting experience. i remember that i once must have cared so much about whatever it is that i'm getting rid of. i must have, if i have kept it for so long. but now, i don't feel anything for it at all, and i need to get it out of my room. all of these things that i used to love, i absolutely cannot stand. they are contaminating my silly little existence. it's all very strange because actually, i am a very sentimental person. i cannot bear to throw something away if someone gave it to me, or if it has some memory attached to it. so where are these memories from all of these things i am getting rid of? is there a point when my memories won't mean anything to me anymore? i'm scared that eventually my soul will dry up.
my parents are hesitant to get rid of my furniture. it's the one thing that needs to go, but there is no place for it. i want it out. the dresser, the desk, that book case, the bed frame. i want them all out of here. i had this vision for my room. to paint the walls a deep earthy color, have my mattress on the floor in the corner/maybe middle of the room. and i want to install some shelves along the one wall for books/other shelfable objects... and i want everything else to be gone. but they are reluctant because A) they are unsure of when they will be able to replace the furniture B) they think that i'll change my mind after a week or so. which i can understand, but having all of this junk in my room depresses me so much... i don't think i can even explain it... it weighs on me.

there are things that are important to me, i will keep them.

expedition

i have convinced my little sister that it would be a fun and worthwhile adventure, if she came on a bike ride with me... SO, we will embark as soon as she is dressed for such lovely weather...

planning cont.

scratch that... haha
i went out, but i got lost,
so it was more like... 6 miles not 14
TOMORROW i will have correct directions!
off to the bank!

planning

today, i have a 14 mile route
i think i'm going to try out
wish me luck!

full of new

first night of my last homeleave.
first time buying a two piece swimming suit...
first try dying my hair to a color somewhat close to my original.

i've been organizing my recital music. i found some relatively cheap plastic things (so for to use) in the hopes that i would not be embarrassed by sharing or practicing the contents that dwell between the covers.

sorry boys....
i feel a little ridiculous right now... this whole two piece thing is really bothering me. for some reason, there are no longer friendly one piece bathing suits... i do not have the body for a two piece. i have been searching for a swim suit for the past couple months. when i was significantly heavier than i am now, i decided that they were of the devil and should not be worn under any circumstances. now that i am older, and slightly less bulbous, my qualms about it are fewer, but still present. after many weeks of frustrating stores, prices, and lack of materials... i decided that if it was my only option, whatever... but i can't help feeling a little insecure about it. there is no way that i am going to wear it without a cami on top... ha, good joke. but still... i feel a little strange knowing that by wearing this so called acceptable article of beach attire i am flaunting my external self. and i have no business doing so. the only people who look good in two pieces are size negatives... i'm a 7...
so now, i have the joy of feeling like a hippopotamus whenever i try to go swimming. joy.

excuse my babbling. i'm just one of many self conscious teenagers ha.

aftermath

yesterday, i went to DC with my class... we were looking through art museum's.
i suppose it wasn't exactly what i was thinking it would be, but i enjoyed the "art" part.. i think i've found a new favorite... two perhaps. (but they are both french
the first, jean dubuffet i love everything i saw at hirshhorn, but i just checked out the foundation. and i think i'm completely in awe of his sculptures... it fills me with happiness.
the second, louise bourgeois, they had an exhibit.. the whole floor. she was abused as a child, so most of her work is full of very explicit material, but reading her story, and walking through everything that she created, it was just so powerful... she had this series of stories... plates 1-9. i think those were my favorites...
there was a bit of sadness though, because i realized, museums really only take sculptures and paintings...

future

college plans?
i know what i would want to be studying,

now which college do i go to?
if any?