mmmmmmmm

i just drove my dad down to wawa
and he bought me a coffee :)
it's hot. so i haven't tasted
any yet.

i have discovered im probably
not the best driver
actually
i'm probably among the worst
i'm the kind of driver
that will drive
in the dark
without her headlights...
i forget to start the car before
i shift from park
i don't remember to lock the door
i go forward
when i want to go reverse
haha, all in all i don't really like
driving, when i'm not in the car
but when im in the seat
i like it...
so, i don't know
i'm going to have to get one of those
cars that will lock the doors automatically for me
and that have the lights turn on and off by themselves
:)

i have to pack tonight to go to bma
i haven't started yet though
i'm trying to soak in the last bit of
after work time
that i can
before i need to go and do things :/

i'm talking to fishey
because i love her a lot
maybe more than you
maybe not
but i love her a lot
a lot
a lot
:D

content

today was not a good day
but i have decided not to complain about it
i figure i do enough of that already right :/

anyways, it rained today
and there was this glorious rainbow in the sky
not one of those forgetful rainbows
that you don't remember the next day
but this one, was just way
too remember able to forget :)

i tickled my little sister today
she laughed like a crazy little kid and

never mind i'm gonna drive my dad to wal mart
i'll be back!

lost

this is how i feel right now
very lost
like i don't really know what to do with myself
or with anyone else
i'm beginning to despise the things i love
and i'm turning into this huge
monstrous person of angst and
disgust

i keep hoping things will rearrange themselves
that they'll somehow just be okay

sigh
i need a good cry

i'm to stressed to cry

joy

a few nights ago
i discovered the wonderful joy
of flannel pillowcases.
i am a pillow cuddler
meaning, i like to cuddle with
my pillow
generally i sleep with two pillows
a very large body pillow
and a regular sized pillow
that's use is very much like a teddy bear
except large and without limbs and a head
also the fuzzy blue blanket pooper got me for
christmas, it's just so soft!
and uhm all other necessary sleeping materials
like... a mattress... and bed frame and whatnot
....
so the other night
i changed my pillowcase to a very
wonderful flannel one, and the difference was
remarkable.
it really was.
see, with your regular cases, the ones that are
all sheet like, they're hard and
not very comfortable
but the flannel one made my pillow
more comfy and soft
with that extra umph of cozy
i slept very nicely

i appreciate comfort very much
i love pajamas.
and pillows
(i have this very bad habbit of pillow
hugging
whenever visiting someone's couch with
throw pillows)
and blankets
being cozy is my hobby :)

sad

i went to church today
and i saw chrystal
and now i am sad
see, when i was back in like
6th grade, chrystal was a freshmen
and she like, mentored and befriended me
and now we're really close
i love her to pieces.
but she used to be like in the 200+ lb
area
and she's really small, she has a really small
frame
she's like katy ketterman small but shorter.
and so teensy tiny little person at 200+
well, it was an issue apparently and like
a year ago or a few months
she had this whole 'i'm gonna lose all this weight'
spiels. and i was like YEA! go for it!
and she did
but now she's 120 in less than a year
and i'm really nervous
she used to be really smart about what she ate
but now, whenever i see her
she's like, twiggy
which is weird.
and i don't know if i should be concerned or not
i don't know.....
i love my friends
but it's really hard when they're going
all crazy psycho on you
for like the past few years
i've been surrounded by eating
disorders.
it's hard not to let it effect you
and i'd like to think i'm smart enough to stay away
but what if i'm not?
it's really scary.
they used to say that 7 was the perfect size.
if you're a 7, you're good that's where you want to be
healthy and alive and all of that. stray past 7
and you're getting a little iffy. in front of 7 is pushing it.
but now, the perfect size is like.. 0-2. and 7 is equivalent to 18
so what do i do?
i'm a 7
i've been struggling with my weight
pretty much my whole life
i know what it feels like to be the 'big girl'
it's an awful feeling when everyone is borrowing
clothes
and you can't because you won't fit
i still have problems borrowing things in the dorm
because for so long i had this mentality that i just wouldn't fit
and i didn't feel like ripping a seem.
but then for a while i was okay
i got down to a manageable size
and was good
until a few months ago
and now all of these things are affecting my head
there's like this siren going off
screaming 'smaller smaller smaller'
and im not sure
if i'm going to be able to ignore if forever...
and i'm freaking out

but we're gonna go to the beach...
wonderful right?
yea, i'm probably going to be really lonely
chad and steevo have each other
and everyone else has everyone else
so it'll be me and my dad
which is pretty much how i've spent every saturday
at home for the past 6 years.

first day

so i walked into work this morning
at around 8:30
on time! (go me)
and was immediately immersed
in a land of diapers
and mini fist fights...
everyone was yelling
and it was very hard to relax with
lots of little kids under your supervision.
the good thing is
i only have five days of the long shifts
left
and then i get to downsize a little bit
with the 3 hour shifts
and those should be pretty easy
i can just take them outside after
they clean up from nap time

i am slightly disappointed with how my
fellow staff members treat the young ones
there's a lot of yelling of both parties
which i find a little unsettling...

another good thing about today
is that i get to go to sleep early
tonight, i'm super duper tired.
little kids wear you out man!
i had to chase one today
his name is jimmy
and he would be cute except for he's not...
:/

shift

i go to work
today for the first time
tomorrow for the second
who knows what today
will bring?
i don't....
and i'm kind of nervous
8:30-5:30...
wish me luck

inevitable

happy?
purposeless
searching
looking
finding
hiding
distressed
keeping
hoarding
disguising
frantic
running
straying
tripping
falling
hopeless
cutting
bleeding
forgetting
dying
lost

'i didn't know you felt guilt'

that's what he said to me
exact words.
i don't know why i bother with this
i can't tell you.
it's my mess
i should be able to adequately
handle cleaning it up
right?
right??
where are my reinforcements?
will he ever stop haunting me?
i said goodbye
all of it is done!
there was nothing good
nothing at all
about it
except
i didn't feel alone
it was nice having someone to talk to
someone to share things with
someone to care (even pretending was good enough)
but now it's all gone
and once again
i am by myself
and whenever i reach my lowest,
or highest for that matter
he swings right back around to
put me in my place.
he is a cause that
lost himself
and i'm still crying for him
i still feel responsible
i still feel like i should love him
and i don't
i feel like i'm running around in circles
it is also dark
i also happened to be chained to a block
blindfolded
maybe even hobbled...
i don't know why i put up with myself
goodness... after all this time
you would think i would know better

changed

ladies and gentlemen
i have an announcement
i have rearranged my room
which is a very big deal
seeing as how it's been
almost the exact same
for about 6 years.

it's an interesting idea to
think that we've lived here
almost that long.
we're catching up.
i think i can honestly say now
that i have lived
most of my life in new jersey

goodbye goodnight

so i need to get happy
anyone have any ideas?
i think, maybe when i can
get out of the house
i'll be okay
right now i'm cooped up
with all of these stupid thoughts
so i'm hoping if this job works out
everything will be good
and i can start relaxing
and enjoying myself

i think there's just something about summer
it seems for the past three years
summer has been something to dread
instead of something to look forward to
but then again
i'm not really a happy person to begin with
i need to work on that

i've been trying
to reform myself
to begin again
cast aside the old me
and welcome the new

tonight i ran .45 miles.
which may not seem like a very big
accomplishment, and so what
if it took me the same amount of time
it takes normal people to run a whole
mile... but to me
it's pretty much everything
i've been wanting to learn how to run
this is one of my summer projects
i have a few and i really want to work on this one.
i want to run a mile
i'm working up slowly.
friday i got .25
saturday i went hiking in the woods
and today i pushed up to .45
tomorrow i'm going to go for .5
and my plan is to increase by .1
every night until i can reach one mile
comfortably
i'm working inside right now so i can monitor my progress
yay machines... ?
yup. then i'm going to work on the outside aspect
of my neighborhood.
so that's what i'm thinking.
yay for physical fitness....

i have discovered

the joy of balloons
this is my beloved balloon duck
in his natural habitat... :)
this is just one of the wonderful
things you can find for a dollar
at random places...
i'm so excited... :D

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i feel very rejected today
like everything and anyone
and the whole of it
just seems to turn around when
forced to talk to me...

ick....

drowning my sorrows in a yummy delicious cake

yup
i told my mom i would bake her a cake
if she took me down to wawa and bought me some
ice cream so that i could make another milk shake...
so she made me drive
and so i just pulled a yellow cake out
of the oven
... i promised.
so, so far today has been pretty unproductive
i did my laundry
and i might have limes disease...
maybe
the chances are very low
but i found a tick on me
and i was traipsing through the woods yesterday
hmm...
but it was on my leg and that spot now itches... and so
i'm freaking out
but only on the slightest of levels...
tomorrow i'm turning in my application for the day care
i still need to go to the doctors
but hopefully everything will be okay
and i can start working
i don't think i'm going to be able to make it for camp meeting.. sadly
but my dad and brother are heading up on friday
so i'm going to see what i can do
and maybe i can chill out with danish
or something
and chya
excitement... :)

eaarogmeaoadjt

worthless : barren, base, cheap, cheesy, contemptible, despicable, frivolous, fruitless, fustian, futile, idle, impotent, incompetent, ineffective, ineffectual, insignificant, inutile, junky, lazy, low, meaningless, nugatory, paltry, pointless,
profligate, stramineous, trashy, trifling, trivial, unimportant, unproductive, unusable, useless, vain, valueless, wretched.

this is me

ice cream? anyone?

i miss you
i miss you a lot
they say women are confusing
and i guess it's true when they
can't even decipher their own thoughts
huh?
i can't decide, what's worse
being with you
or being without you

so today was pretty much crap.
okay so maybe not
i just feel awful
the day started out with
a horrendous conversation at
the s.s. via church this morning...
the three theologians decided to debate
about things that i have no knowledge or interest of
so the other unintelligible beings sitting at the table
quietly wrote notes to one another
and endured in silence.
so then afterwards my brother and i
had a discussion on the way home
and my mom listened and inputted..
and for some reason
it has become a reed family tradition to take
a nap
after church on saturdays. so we did. only for an hour
or at least chad and i. then we (chad and i again) over to the
bordentown bluffs
and i climbed a tree. very exciting.... not really that much of an
accomplishment i suppose seeing as how it was at like... an 20 degree angle from the ground.. ha
but STILL
then we headed over to mess's house and he made sassafrases tea with the roots that we found. and THEN we headed down to pete and jess's place
and ate, and chilled, and played a 'telephone/pictionary' game
actually quite entertaining.

so today should have been fun
and indeed it was
except for my crappy attitude (hooray)

i hate what i have become
it's like my worst night mare
come true

(actually, my worst nightmare involved an alligator and a college professor, so i guess it's like second worst)

thoughts

what happens if a baby is born in a house on a street in a town?
he grows up moves away
he lives and enjoys his life
but then returns in his old age to the city were he was born
only to find that it no longer stands
perhaps some business man sells the town to make a few dollars
or maybe whatever the town was thriving in stopped being productive
but whichever reason it was
this man now stands in the barren field of what once was his child hood
the beginnings of his legacy are destroyed
no one will see the street where he was born
he can have no pride or joy for the building that begat his life
he stands with a hat in his hands
maybe he has the wrong city
perhaps it exists but in another location
but no
he made sure that the directions were sound
is he crazy?
there are no pictures of his town
no one thought to capture it
no one thought it would one day disapear
what is he left with?
a memory?
where is it?
"where is it?" he cries
who will remember him
where is the older woman across the street who
remembers seeing him ride his bike up and down
running errands for his mother
the town is alive in his mind but it will die with him
forever forgotten with his death
he remembers
"i remember, here was the grocers and the corner store! i remember"
what if he is not skilled in the arts
what if he cannot draw or replicate the street he lived on?
it's as if it never was
he is tormented by the thought
"i am babylon"
stories will carry him on
children will create songs of his childhood escapades
artists will envision the street by his descriptions
writers will create stories about the stones of the foundations
there will be invented memories by the sympathizers
it is not real
none of it is real
he wishes to see one more time where it all began
where he started from
but he cannot see
he cannot go home
he must die with the knowledge that his memories
will not live on
no one can see the paint chipping from his kitchen wall
no one will feel the floor boards beneath their feet
he dies crumpled and wilted
a flower uprooted
he is incomplete

mmmmm milkshake

so tonight i was pretty not happy with myself... actually i'm still not... really at all turns out i'm an awful diet-er as you can see by this huge purple mug filled with yummy delicious chocolatey milkshakey goodness :). i was just chillin' on the couch and i got this HUGE craving for a chocolate milkshake and we didn't have any chocolate or ice cream so i asked my dad if he would take me down to wawa because it's like two miles away and he was like... okay. so he drove me down. i'm not allowed to drive after 11:01 and we went at like... 11:21 so yup. i came back made my milkshake and now i kind of feel really ridiculous seeing as how i was supposed to be staying away from the sugar and everything. which i will but tonight i'm indulging because i feel like crap and i want some flippin' chocolate. so goodbye crazy weight loss thoughts and hello comfort foods :) but only for tonight. tomorrow i'm gonna crack down. maybe. i think it'll be easier once i start working or something. i'll have something to do besides eat. and if this day care job works out i'll be running around with little kids all day right? right.
no... i'm pretty much trying to make excuses so that i dont have to feel bad about eating this... :(
besides... i make a pretty good chocolate milkshake. waaay better than a frosty... :)

the mummy's hand

yea... i dont really have a whole lot to say
so i think i might blog a little later...
or something

for peter

you are beautiful :)