a beautiful night

for some reading
and some incense...
not because i'm a druggie
i'm not
but because i like the smell
i can't figure out if burning is
a bad thing or not
most people would associate it with
pot smoking
but i don't know if that's one of
those things
that you just wait for people
to ask you about
or if that whole
avoid the appearance of evil
thing shines through
so i'm sort of stuck
i think i'm going to ask justin
because justin knows everything
that being said
goodnight!

nevermind

yaaaarg
my dad and i
just had this huge
unnecessary blow out
about books, of all things
and i'm tired
of all of these pointless arguments
he almost made me cry
he picked an fight with me
and then just shut down
and i didn't know how to react
i don't know why we're doing this
tensions are high
this is like.. the third fight we've had this week
the first one was because i'm worried about him
and he was all
'don't'
and i was upset
no duh
arg, he tried to convince me
that the family is worried about me
and not him.
i disagreed
but then it turned into this huge blow out
and i'm so sick of fighting
i think
i'm going to change into pajama's
and curl up on the couch with
my huge pillow
and watch flippin' musicals
for the rest of the day

i'm really frustrated
i gained 7 pounds...
since like april
that's a pound a week
so i'm trying to watch
what i eat
so i can go back down
i hate this

i'm surrounded by
this huge cloud
of unwant
and i'm really fed up
let's just skip a few years

and just so quickly
i am slipping right
back into this little
bubble of hate
that i've surrounded myself
with... AGAIN

stupid carly
stupid stupid carly

another new beginning

today
hopefully
i will be able to settle my differences with a certain young man
who i have hated for a really long time
he is the only one
who i have ever experienced so much loathe for
and i sent him a message today
i'm actually quite excited about the prospects
of becoming
friends with him again
because in all actuality
i miss him something fierce.

if i am supposed to love
i should probably rid myself of all of this hate
so, kudos to me
i'm on my way
: )

YARG

i've made her upset
again
'did you get that email i sent you?'
'uh if it was a forward i didn't read it... i don't really like reading those'
'why not? i cleaned this one up for you'
'i'm sorry... uh i didn't read it though...'
'but it was so cute, i sent it especially to you for you'
'i'm sorry, maybe i still have it, but i don't really like reading forwards...'

and so.. now she is upset at me
because i don't read her emails
sigh......
one crazy guilt trip after the other
what's a girl to do?

anywho.... i took a nap today
so i'm not really sure when or if i'm going to go to sleep tonight

and all i can do is think about you
i've got all the time in the world

not really

tomorrow i'm going to see if i can sell some books to a used book store
i was hoping that they would give me a decent price...
yup

it starts

when you have to rely on spell check for those crazy words like... officially...
anywho... i'm not really okay ... right now
for some reason my mind likes to play these tricks on me
last night i had pretty much the worst dream
i can't even remember what happened
but i know that i've had the same feeling ever since
that horrible guilty feeling
but guilt for me... is more than a feeling
it's like until i fix what evers bothering me
i'm going to feel like i'm collapsing from the inside
i can't eat
or think
or laugh
correctly
i can't be me
when i have this thing
living inside me
this awful creature
whose sole purpose is to make me miserable
but i can't even cry
to let it out
i can't scream or yell
i can't do anything
because everything just makes it worse
i don't know what i'm doing
i can't play these games
that stupid dream screwed everything up
pretty much the theme was
i ruined someones life
i won't mention names 'cause that would be
sort of on the wrong side of the spectrum
but i killed his joy
his spirit
which is sort of ironic really
because the person actually has
to care about you to be hurt by you
and maybe he did
but he had a very funny way of showing it
and this whole dream
was running on the idea
that i ruined his being
which is an awful feeling
kinda like the one i have now
and i can't fix it
and so i'm stuck with this frog in my throat
indefinitely
i want to cry

i want to cry so bad
i want to curl up into a little ball with my hands
around my head
pretending that i'm loved

a new beginning

today....
:)
i've been reborn
into a land of magical paint splatter fabric
i have this upcoming project that should take up at least a day or two of this oh so fabulous summer... :)
and i'm indubitably excited about the prospects of yet another creation
because when it comes down to it..
this is what i'm good at

i don't mind

if this is what you're claiming
i don't mind at all
but what you need to know
is that i am not willing to be your accomplice
you go ahead
you do what you want to do
but i'm not coming with you
don't do that
don't ask me
i'm not going to tell you what you did wrong
i'm not going to hold your hand
and play like everythings fine
this sick game you're playing
i don't want to be a part of it
stop trying to involve me in it
i'm not feeding your excuses.
i'm not going to give you hints as to what you can do
to make it seem like you're healing
what i see and what you think
aren't the same
you got us here
this is your fault
and now that you see that you've endangered more than yourself
you're trying to fix it
which is a noble cause but
i'm not going to spoon feed all of the answers to you
so what do you need to do to make it seem okay
well... if you need to pretend
something's wrong
if you need to prove it
it's not okay
i'm not willing to be a pawn in your charade
i give up
you're on your own
you want to be okay
fine... be okay
but don't ask me to help you lie to me

just put a little music to it

once again love has come with promises and dreamers too bad but i'll fight tooth and nail for the cream of the crop i gave you my heart and you gave me a nickel supply and demand 'you'll just take what you get'

and i'm not listening

there's this thought in my head can you guess what it is we've been dancing around it for dozens of days and you've gone away to the bakers to ask just pray it's not friday and we'll be okay

with a boat that won't start with the sea as my witness i'll stand and deliver a faulty ignition for a starter or two. and i know dear that you've heard a good joke once or twice but i'd pay the ferryman to take me to the side of my life. you're just an island and i'm just a pirate if x marks then it's all i got. bring the paddle to use as a shovel to bury your secrets and discover another.

occasionally

i find the best things in life
occur at 2 in the morning...
such as tonight
i am unable to fall asleep
although
i suppose
i would very quickly if i tried to
BUT
see the thing is
i really do not want to
so..... placebo no?
tonight
i made my dad watch la vita e bella with me
i thought it might do him some good
and of course tomorrow he is going to write me an essay
because he's a teacher
and i asked him to
and since he has nothing better to do with his time
... why not? right?
of course right.
tonight... well
yesterday, i guess
i cleaned up my musical library
seeing as how i dont really like the
vulgarity of things
i figured i might as well not listen to them
right?
so i deleted all of the songs that i fount
even slightly atrocious
which means farewell to some of the national
and damien rice.
actually it made me kind of sad
i love the national.
so much
Matt Berninger's voice is amazing
well... not really but it's soothing
he has this way of making my defenses just
drop!
and i'm left listening to this
wonderful melodic noise that i just can't
seem to get out of my head
and it's crazy
but sadly
he has the tendency to say some not very nice things
so i kept the kosher songs
and got rid of the icky ones...
it was still an experience...
at this very moment
i am going to put up some pictures on my wall
and in the next moment i'm going to decide not to
and wait until tomorrow
when i can see straight... :)
yup

today is the day

i got my permit

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.........................aaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaa oh my goodness it's a squirrel what do i do?
what do i do?
he's in the road
he's in the ROAD dad what do i do?
what do i do?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

yup......


that though... is not the squirrel
or my picture
but it is kind of cute though isn't it?

i am lost

in my mind
i'm trying to find things to do
to change my perspectives maybe
anyways
i have a surprise for fish
and i can't tell you
because she might read it
but it's very cool
i hope she likes it...

i have written two letters today
and i will send them
eventually

i wrote
on a boat
near a moat
while afloat
and a dote
of a goat
tried to gloat

farewell

reasons

i just switched the language of my blog
to french
a very interesting experience
i've decided that i do want to go to france
whenever i can
sometime in the future
right now i'm awake
but i shouldn't be

i have but one thing to say

i love you to pieces

today

is my birthday....
i suppose i should be happy and joyous.. correct?
instead
i feel dread
"i don't wanna grow up i'm a toys r us kid"
except i do want to be old
just not in age
i want to be old in knowledge
in experience
but not in age
i want my mind to grow old
but not my heart

it's like this secret mission between myself and i

strange fruit

Southern trees bear a strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
Black bodies swinging in the Southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant South,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh!

Here is a fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter crop.


~billy holiday

easier

after everything happened
it became just that
easier to say no
easier to walk away
easier to go back to sleep instead of waking up
and then i'm faced to face all of the things that i'm trying to run away from
and it becomes harder
to not want to talk to you

why must all decisions be followed by debates
why must i need to decide whether or not i actually want this?

i want to know
but i don't want to be involved.
i want to listen
but i don't to hear
and i don't want you to either
i don't want to tell you that i miss you terribly
i don't want to tell you that i can't sleep at night because of how we left
i don't want to tell you that every time i see you my heart leaps into my throat again just like when we first met
i don't want to have you know me anymore

but that's why we failed in the first place.
you said tell me
and i said no
but then became mad
for you not understanding
the problem is not with you
it never was
but
i don't want to know
that i'm the one who screwed up
because it's so much easier to blame you
it's so much easier
to run away
i don't want you to know
that i'm a coward
i don't want you to know
that i'm weak
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i want you to know

hanged drawn and quartered

hanged: uhm... pretty sure you all know what that is. hung by the rope until dead. death usually occurs by asphyxiation....
drawn: having your bowels and or genitals cut off and burned with you as a witness. also could mean being dragged to your place of execution.
quarterd: cut into four pieces... and or beheaded



yay apush...?
hooray early colonies...?
William Wallace.. i'm sorry

i feel

ugly.......

lets review

i don't care
if i will have to spend the rest of eternity with you
i don't care
if it just so happens that my relatives are going to be infatuated with you
i don't care
if you're absolutely perfect in every way
i don't care
if you like to play nice
i don't care
if you have the highest grades in the world
i don't care
if you're an a type personality
i don't care
if you're successful
because all of these together
does not give you the right
to come into my house
and treat me like i'm inferior

new word

yumyalicious