i feel like there's two of me.
the good one, and the bad one.
the good one wants to listen to you
and take all of your advice
and make sure that everyone comes out of this
squeaky clean
but the bad one doesn't care.
the bad one feels confined
and trapped
by all of the interference

they're fighting now...
i don't like the inbetween me
the me that laughs at other souls
and can't stand being one of them

first order of business

i'm working too much.

sunday night. monday morning
tuesday night wednesday morning

this is monday, i worked last night...
and i am so tired.
i just want to cry...
i don't feel like i slept at all, and now
here i go back to the old grind.

i'm tired of being around food.

i want to wear pretty clothes...
not black and white.

...

i heard somewhere, that if you spend christmas alone, it means that no one loves you



i spent christmas alone

a little while ago, i bought three moleskine journals. with the idea that i would have a continuation between the three of them... journals are really important to me, and these are the perfect kind. they have the smooth paper, no lines... they're small enough to fit in my bag, and the cover has nothing on it, so i can draw on it if i want to. and that's what i was going to do... i was going to have drawings between them... connecting them. the problem that i have faced, is that i don't know what to draw. i haven't been drawing anything lately. and today, i was thinking about it... i think i'm going to do flowers.
a lilly for life and resurection
an almond flower for hope and promise
and then an opium poppy as an antidote for the future

one of these days

i'm going to look pretty.
i'm going to fix my hair up in some
very cute and flattering way
i'm going to wear a dress that
makes me look like a movie star
i'm going to wear my favorite pair of high
heel shoes
and then i'm going to put on a whole tube
of lipstick, and kiss you.
so that you are wearing just as much
lipstick as me.

and i will smile and say
something cute
and you will laugh, and hug
me so tight, and i will never let
you, let go.

because i'm not in the mood to talk with you about this
or pretend it never happened
i'm in the mood to have you grow up
and stop trying to get me to grow down
i'm tired of walking on eggshells
i just want to spread my wings and fly free
far away from all of these nightmares
from the creatures you put under my bed
to make sure i can't sleep at night
i can't handle your judgment
or your misconstrued ideas of who
i should be.
i can't fit in your boxes.
i'm not in the mood to have you yell at me
and have my head pound with all of your
angry voices.
i'm ready to write my song
and stand at the end of the road
singing at the top of my lungs
and maybe it turns into something stupid
but at least it's mine
and i will never be in the mood to have
you take it from me

oh my god.
my life is twilight

no more... no more

i've been staring at the computer screen for so long...
there have been an enormous amount of lengthy emails
sent my way.

i'm just ready for things to be good again.
to have the birds sing to me when i wake up in the morning

but i'm starting to feel like
things are never going to be okay

i couldn't help it

today, i went on my life is average, for the first time...
and i found a few that made me laugh
so because i'm a loser... i'm posting them up...
get ready

Today, I found a muffin under my pillow. I live alone.

Today, my school officially banned "The Floor is Lava" game

Today, I saw Batman and Spiderman fighting next door to my job at the mall. After a surprisingly intense fight, Spiderman knocked Batman to the ground and won. Batman got up and shouted "I'm telling mom!" before running off. I love my job.

I was walking down the street and I run into this random guy in a robe. I was going to walk past him but then he passed me a sticker and said "Welcome to the cult" . I was freaked out until I noticed that there was a unicorn pooping out cupcakes on the sticker. I am a member of the best cult ever.

A few days ago, at lunch my friends and I were playing with a ball covered in little suction cups. We began throwing it at the windows that separate the junior/senior room from the rest of the cafeteria, deeply entrancing a table of senior boys. The next time we threw it, it hit the window, bounced off and a senior boy (who had been hiding behind a garbage can) jumped out, snatched it in midair, and continued walking like nothing had happened. Respect senior ninja, respect.

Today I was looking at the back of my orginal Old Spice Body Wash and it stated "If your Grandpa handn't wore it you wouldn't exsist" Thanks Old Spice, Thanks Grandpa.

Today, I was at the market and had a craving for some bananas. I walked to the produce isle. Finally found my bananas as i reached out to grab one a man in a banana suit came sprinting around the corner, and snatched the bananas out of my hands.He then proceeded to run away screaming "YOU CANT EAT MY CHILDREN!!" Banana man you have won this match..

topsy turvey

i want to be able to tell you that this weekend was amazing. that it was so incredible, and it changed my life... there were so many parts of it that were just, good. just what i needed. and then there were other parts of it that were just... terrible. on friday, i was waiting until 2 to leave... i got to have dinner with mrs. christian, and paul. but everything up until 2 was just... sad. i left, and it took me a while to get out of my funk... everything after that was soo good. i loved the gloria program.... i loved being able to go up, and stand next to nathanael and brittani, and roxy and belt out, in my squeeky rusty, ill-used voice the hallelujah chorus... and then that night, i got to see mrs. manente... and she looked so good, with her green scarf. i got to see so many people. then gabby and i went to danika's house, and talked until danika showed up... we exchanged christmas presents. they really liked theirs... i'm glad. i tried. we all went to sleep right after that... pookie and i woke up around 9:30-ish... we ate french toast and watched the latest episode of glee together... got ready and went to church... the service was kind of bleh, but mr. flores played his accordian.. so neat. we went to lunch at taco bell, and then pookie had to get jeff home.. so i had to say goodbye... i went and found earl and jacob and nathanael we all went for a walk around the 2 mile... then we went to the piano recital... and then... everyone was leaving. so i decided to go. everything was going well on the way home... but i should have gotten on to 95 north, instead of 95 south... so i ended up getting lost... and in near panic mode... and eventually i just shut down while peter was giving me directions... i pulled over and started crying for a minute or two... but i made it home... and then everything was okay... but then it wasn't again... and then it was... and then it wasn't... last night was this huge ordeal. this fight between light and dark... without the weapons. i tried to hug my dad last night. i got home... and it had been so hard... i tried to hug him. and he freaked out. he patted me on the back, and then escaped to the kitchen... i don't know.... i don't even know why i'm complaining
i should just shut up and accept it.
the end.

dear ____

i'm so frustrated with this right now...
every time i try to talk with you
it's like i'm desperately trying to grasp onto the
threads of our friendship
i'm scared to share pieces of my life with you because
i have no idea how you're going to react

and i try to ask you questions because i still want
to be friends with you, but it's like you've completely shut down
and i know... that we're just
going in circles...
and it's just the same as it's always been
no answer
no solution...

but i feel like, if this is the end. there should
be a goodbye. there should be a complete ending
there should be something to let me know
that you don't want me to try to be involved in your life...

and i want to know. that if we end up meeting
sometime in the future
it's not going to be awkward.
or strained.

but i guess there isn't a way to know
this. i guess.
i shouldn't be asking
questions that
i know that you can't answer.
i guess. i just shouldn't be
frustrated...
i don't know

i just don't know anymore...
i just don't.

cini-minis

"Compelling art to me is a name carved into a tree. Sometimes a rock soaring through a plate of glass can be the most beautiful, compelling work of art I have ever seen." barry mcgee

i've been thinking .... that i really want to learn how to paint. i've never done it before. i really want to learn how. i have this vision in my head of the perfect painting. the one picture that could symbolize everything. that could BE everything. but i don't know how to do it. i'm so excited about this pottery class. i can't wait to be elbow deep in my mind. i love the idea of creating for a living. but i know. that if it was my month to month paycheck. i would hate it. i would abolutely detest it. i know that i would procrastinate. and i would end up becoming a hermit. i love creating... but on my own time... i want to be around people. i want to share. i want to love.
but it feels like... whatever i decide to do, i'm going to need to go to school. i can't stand this. i hate this idea of sitting in a classroom. cramming for exams. there are so many things that i would try to explore, but the idea of school just exhausts me. i would rather go and be an apprentice somewhere. i want to learn one on one. with an actual person. not some teacher-drone. i like waitressing. i really do. it's one of the best things that i've ever been able to do. but i want to do other things too...
i feel a little stuck. i feel smooshed.

keep them tied

it's weird to hear you say things,
because you don't know what they mean.
i don't really like pretending.
but at least that's who i am.
at least i'm not lying.

short shorts

i had been planning to go shopping with my dad on sunday. since tuesday. it was just going to be me and him, and i was going to get the rest of my christmas shopping finished up. let's just say that not everything works out the way we hope. i did find this really cool hamburger phone. and i was able to find all of the gifts i wanted for everyone. i'm close. i'm really close, to finishing. now it's just a few more handmade things. :/ today is not a good day. i don't mean to complain. i should just suck it up, and deal. because carly, that's the way of the world... and that's how your cookie is crumbling.

they called me

on friday, i went with peter to the philadelphia art museum. and while we were trying to park. i hit another car. sigh....
so far, my second accident.
the insurance company called me today... and i had to give them my statement
i guess, i'm just ready for my easy button
i'm ready for the rewind.
to say, oh oops... i didn't mean to do that
why don't we just go back in time for a few seconds
and not make
huge ridiculous mistakes...

but other than the accident.
we had a good time. :)