'tis true

i have been reading Davita's Harp
only part 2, but
i love jakob daw.

i was trying to find one of his stories to post
but i could not.

the world's best medicine

i am tired today. my eyes are burning. i keep seeing everything flashing about inside my head, i have nothing to stress about, so i am now ashamed of all things. at times like these, my greatest desire is to morph into some one else. so that i can laugh at me too. i am scared. ready for my new beginning. and i am annoyed, that i can never stop talking about the same things. over and over. today will not be a bad day, i can feel it. melancholy will strike! and apathy will take over. we are creatures of habit are we not?

story of my life

today, i am feeling rather joyous.
over spring break i found this wonderful material that
was supposed to go towards my tie in textiles
but, i had so much left over, that i decided
to revamp my sketchbook... again

i've been working late into the past two nights
high on enthusiasm sewing the fabric into the cover
future embellishments include a pocket in the back
and some way to tie it closed...

i'm working on it while i'm "working"
mmm i love projects :D

again...

i find myself crying today. which is strange, because i am not very sad. yesterday was interesting.... i spent the morning on sick list, and the afternoon, barely fading through my classes. it seems as if i can't really even trust my self any more. i am unable to sleep well, or for very long. i am constantly in this state of limbo. somehow i keep waiting to become solid, or real... and it is not happening yet...

i just spent the last half hour or so watching some of andrew birds live performances. i can't sleep. so i decided to do something worth while with my time...

also, i have embraced my new hair cut... i still think it looks ugly, but there isn't a single thing that i can do about that, so i've decided to let it go.

my dad gave me a stack of information today about different bike trails in new jersey. i think he might finally be starting to get into the idea. which is good. and i found out that a church member of ours might have a bike that i can borrow. and then i won't have to go and buy one... so i will be contacting them shortly.

there was some light banter tonight regarding visiting the flea market tomorrow. i would really like to go. truthfully.
it has been a really long time since i visited last. i would like to go.

sometime by the end of this year, i would like to be able to say that i am not a pessimist.

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

i know i don't want it, i know i don't want it
i know i don't want it...

i feel baited in a way.
the other night, we talked
because i'm an idiot
and i still want to feel like someone
cares about me
it was both good and bad...
good because i needed to tell him
the truth.
bad, because now i'm not really sure what
to think about it..
about any of it.
i know it's wrong. i know it's wrong!
but he's so convincing when he wants to be..
and i'm not sure if im willing to walk away
but i need to.
and i have.
but it still hurts..
mostly because i DON'T want to
and he's leaving these little messages everywhere
i don't even know if they're for me..
probably not.. but i want them to be.
i want things to be different
i want him to be different.

ugh. i hate this...
i do, i hate all of it
i hate sitting here
crying over something that's never going to get
fixed....
i hate wanting it to be fixed...
i hate hating it...

i just want it all..to go away
to just leave. but then, i don't
because i don't want him to go away.
it's not his fault.

today

i got my hair cut... badly

i should have asked
for a trim.
but not a cut...
so now my hair is horribly mutilated
and there's not a single thing that i can do about it

i just spent 2 hours in the bathroom trying to fix it...
no such luck.

i look, and feel like the swamp monster from the deep....

frustrated

we share because we want to be seen.
so that we can meet and discover one another.
then why are we all
ignoring each other

broken

i am sad today because im tired... and because i just broke my incense burner... (how do you break an incense burner?)

but i'm working on isaac's unicorn
and i'm very antsy... so it is hard to focus

reflections

those who find a dress that they absolutely love
should buy it before too much time elapses
instead of waiting for another dress that will not come

those who do not heed this warning, will find that
the first dress will be on back order until june.
and this shopper, will be screwed.

i did it

today i biked
google maps it haha
i went 5.7 miles
which isn't a big accomplishment

but i think it really was the
bike that screwed me up before.
or maybe i just worked through the kinks

well anyways, im excited because
todays looking like a good day
haha, i vaguely remember talking to peter this morning
(sorry i wasn't more awake)
i made my brother a really good omelet for lunch
except it was more like... scrambled omelet...haah
but, he liked it so that was good
and i just went 5.7 miles
without any fatigue of limbs
or... mind
im rather happy

also

my pillow case smells like cake.
yum

i love

going on deviant art and searching for things in traditional art.
there are so many different styles it fills my heart with happiness

words from the wise? ie my brother haha

"Life sucks carly, you're going to need to do things that you don't want to do. that's what life is. Your life isn't defined by what sucks, your life is defined by what you do to make it NOT suck. And if you don't know how to tell me what you want, then you probably don't know what you want yet."

last one for tonight

so, my brother found this story about how, in mt. holly nj. (a town about 10 minutes away from us) around the 1700's there was this whole witch scandal. the towns people threw this witch into a well because...well, they thought she was a witch. so, they threw her into this well, and it was said that at night they could hear her screaming to get out or something... so in order to get away from this, they built a little four walled ... thing.... to encapsulate her. but young kids would go up to it and knock on the door, and of course they would swear that they could hear her knock back.
apparently there is this table in the middle of the woods close to this little "house" there's this legend that it was a witches alter, and underneath the new jersey devil is chained up, and at night, if you put your ear next to it, you can hear the chains rattle because he wants to escape.
this whole thing by the way is in the middle of a cemetery and it started because there is this tombstone right at the front of the cemetery, and it says something like, this is the fate of those who forsake god. and apparently some guy wrote a story about it, and signed it benjamin franklin.
later though, they decided that the story was false, and it really wasn't ben.

so of course my brother found this little tid bit of information and what do we do?
we go and find it...
or try anyways. my brother, dad, nikki and i all went out to the cemetery where this is all supposed to revolve around. of course it is uber late into the evening. so we turn the car off. very scary... ugh. and we start looking around.
we never found the tombstone, or the little mausoleum type object with the witch in it... but we did find the witches alter...
it was like 4 ft. high and 8 ft. wide
it had holy holy holy carved into it, and two benches on either side.
and of course chad lifted me onto it, and tried to sacrifice me (while i'm freaking out)
haha, good times?
there was also this wooden stump, next to it, that is supposed to be part of the original scaffold? is that the right word? where they hung the witches...

so, all in all, tonight was pretty weird...

andrew bird update

i did it
i sent him his letter today.
and i'm so undeniably freaked out it's not even funny
all of these worst case scenarios keep popping through my head
like,
what happens if the address i sent it to, since it most obviously
is not his personal address...
decides to be angry because i sent it there, instead of the
obviously unattainable actual address.
so they throw it away or something.
(in order to at least cushion their anger a bit, i wrote a little note on the back that said something like, im sorry if this isn't the right address, can you pass it to him please? i hope you have a good day...)

i think maybe i would rather give it to him in person
than send it to some unknown address
and hope that fate decides to shine for once...

actually scratch that... i probably wouldn't give it to him at
all if i saw him in person, maybe this is the best way

or maybe it isn't, seeing as how right after i dropped it into the mail
box, i wanted to yank it out and rip the whole think into a bunch of little pieces

i felt like a thirteen year old drooling after the backstreet boys..
except that's not really how i feel about him at all
somehow, sending "fan-mail" puts me into that category though

sigh... haha :)

doesn't make any sense... sorry

we lock them away
and tell them not to scream
or he'll come to find them
by all means.
"he'll hunt you down
to make you pay
bite off your feet if you
try to stray."
sooner than later they start
to wonder if there's anything more
than these nights of hunger
they reach through the bars with
their tears full of wonder
while the restless vagabonds
tread through the gardens
ignoring the warnings of the
earlier wanderer.
they're flying the kite of
their muffled excuses
stomped by their shoes
with their thick-souled abuses
is this how it feels when we abandon our hope
when we trample through the ground
of the cemetery beds
the soft ground that we tread
confusing our senses
when we can no longer tell
between body and ground
we dread, their red
the sound the sound
of bones crunching beneath
the piles of shame
under our feet
while the long matted hair gets
stuck in our feet.
now we're running in circles
tripping through elbows
soon we fall and can see their eyes
the lies that we tell them
to keep them at bay
soon swallow us and make us
display.
time after time we remember the thoughts
he's captured us now
and tells us not to scream
while their souls trample ours
just below the seams.

its coming

i've been thinking a lot about what happens after graduation. ha, although, i've been doing my best to avoid it. this past school year, as been one of the worst... there's always been someone to go to... and now there isn't. and if there was, i wouldn't. ugh. senior year has effectively turned me into an unresponsive heap of i can't think or create anymore. and im tired of asking other people to fill in the blanks for me. it is not their responsibility to make me happy, or to help me feel important. and it's unfair of me to ask them to.
i feel awful about this whole summer plan... like i've inserted myself into a simon and garfunkel show. haha, except without the simon or garfunkel part. but you know? like, i've somehow been able to insert myself into other people's lives, with nothing to offer or contribute.
my perfect parallel animal, is a leech.
after summer... i need to go and find something to do..
i don't really want to go to college...
at all right now.
ugh... maybe i should just forget about everything.
i'm just stressing out way too much to be of any use to anything.. :(

personal favorites.....

finished

im sending it to him tomorrow if all goes well

favorites

im really excited right now, because
this weekend, i figured out some of my
favorites... and they've been bugging me
for a long time... haha... so

color: yellow
animal: elephant
flower: calla lily

i know i know, big deal
but i'm happy

this morning

it took forever to get out of bed
this morning.
and i grumbled down to the bathroom
to take a shower, and i hadn't washed my hair yet,
when i heard this "aaaoooo" noise...
at first i wasn't sure that i heard it correctly, so
i kept listening, and
it happened again, and again
i started freaking out because it sounded like a goose
not even a normal goose, a troubled goose.
it sounded like it was in pain, like it was dying
and i was trying to get hurry up and get out
so that i could find it, and so that i could help it.
i was thinking about all of these different scenarios
these crazy scenarios involving mountain precipices..
and how this goose was calling out to me to come
find and rescue it.
but then i was thinking... i'm in the shower
i can never hear anything in the shower?
i should not be able to hear this animal right now.
DIVINE INTERVENTION! i need to SAVE THE GOOSE.

and right then, someone turned their shower off, and i could
hear more distinctively, that the janitor was playing
beyonce, while she was cleaning...

up?

stupid-face decided to send me something.
ugh. you know, every single time, that i finally
feel like i am waaaay over this bridge, he does something
and i'm right back where i started from.
it's as if i don't have control of myself
anymore, he does.
i wish, there was someone who could tell me
what i'm supposed to do. i want to heal
but, in this situation, i'm not really sure
how... and i'm not sure that anyone else can
tell me how. of the one's that i would ask for
advice, most would not sympathetically... there are
a few who would rather not talk about it at all (that's
a little ironic, dont you think?) and the others
don't have a clue as to what they're doing.
it's not a simple situation.
and it's not his fault.
i think that's the one thing that
is really getting to me at this point...
i want to blame him for everything. so i can feel
vindicated. but i can't,
the whole thing was this huge complicated mass
of mind games, and manipulation.
we both played...
i'm at the point of shame.

when i was younger, i used to carve out
little spaces in various rooms... little empty
places, like a closet, or behind a dresser...
and if i put a blanket, or a chair or something in front
of the hole. no one could find me. and i felt so
relieved

but now i'm scared

starting

landscapes...
i walked over from the dorm this morning
and was immediately attacked by
millions of tiny snowflakes...

im pretty sure there are still a few hanging
on for dear life to my hair...

and even though i am frozen solid...
i can't find anything wrong with today
march 2, 2009
my little sister's ninth birthday

starting

landscapes...
i walked over from the dorm this morning
and was immediately attacked by
millions of tiny snowflakes...

im pretty sure there are still a few hanging
on for dear life to my hair...

and even though i am frozen solid...
i can't find anything wrong with today
march 2, 2009
my little sister's ninth birthday