tea/cookies

a few weeks ago, peter and i found this recipe for indonesian nutmeg tea cookies.and they were wondeful. tonight i got a craving. so i'm about halfway through making a batch of yummy goodness. my parents went out for a double date with some family friends so my brother and i decided to use this as an opportunity to bond C: apparently he has been having a "hankering" for some butterscotch cookies. so that's what he is making... we're listening to jerry reed on pandora. (i like last fm a lot better.... bleh)

and i'm thinking tonight i'll make some tea with my infuser that i got in west chester. i have yet to break it in. and i have so much tea! :O

enough said

today. they were interviewing. maybe for a new manager position. if so. we are screwed. truth.

yes.

tonight will go well

tonight will go well

tonight will go well

tonight will go well

tonight will go well

maybe if i say it enough it will actually happen....

it never ends

i've been stressing out lately about going to work. because it's summer. and we're busy. and i never know if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. and i won't know until i step in the door. this morning it was feeling like it was going to be one of the bad one's. i walked in. and no one was there. so i started working. checking off the list of things that needed to get done before we open. about 10 minutes into it. i'm still by myself. which is a problem. so i ask the boss if someone else is coming. and turns out, no. because the other worker took off, and the cover hasn't shown up. so i'm alone. which is awful. because there are still things that i don't know how to do. there isn't ever any time to teach me because usually there's only two of us and we both need to be doing something. so unless i come in on a day that i'm not working. i'm never going to get to learn these things. now that i know i'm by myself. i start freaking out. i'm rushing around trying to figure out how i can do as many things at once... i'm literally running for an hour and a half. nonstop. just going.... finally the cover shows up, finishes the last little pieces. and i don't know what to do with myself. i was so worked up. so stressed out. then it was all just. over. and i burst into tears. i just started crying. i couldn't stop it. so i ran to the bathroom, as fast as i could go. praying that no one noticed. i was leaning up against the wall with my hand over my mouth so that no one could hear me. just sobbing.

truth

today. i tried on my mothers wedding dress.

it fit. a little roomy. but it still looked

really nice.

it was kind of emotional.

sunshine and lollipops

someone asked me to cover on friday night. and i wasn't the most thrilled about it. but they had a really good excused and if i had said no, i would have felt like a jerk for the rest of my life. i'm really glad that i decided to do it. because it was one of the best work experiences ever.

we didn't have any tables from 4:15 until around 6-something. so my co-workers and i (there was one other waitress, the hostess, and the other waiter came about halfway through) stood around talking and laughing the whole time. and it was a really great opener for the evening. things started out kind of slow but picked up really quickly. i was really excited by all of the tables that i got. the people were really friendly-there for a nice friday night date with their loved one's. after about 5 or 6 tables the other waitress came over and was like, oh this table requested you. and i was like WHAT?! first time that ever happened. and i had waited on the family before so it wasn't anything weird. but it was still such a confidence booster. the whole evening was this jumbled mess of crazy and stress. but i was in such a good mood it didn't even matter that i was running around and wheezing through 3 straight hours of food and dessert. C: there was this table that had come in a month or so ago, and had asked me for advice about their daughter. and i wasn't their waitress, but i stopped by their table as much as i could. and when they left. we have this huge curtain in front of the door to keep the breeze away from the customers. and i was helping the table right next to it, and they pulled the curtain apart to say goodbye. haha, so great. no one had ever done that before. there was also these three ladies that had gone to school together in india and had split up. they all found each other on facebook and decided to come to our restaurant to reconnect. and i got to serve them... there were just so many moments like that and it made the whole night so worth it.

AND i found this incredible pasta salad at wegmans. it was a sundried tomato something with rigatoni. and it was amaaaaaaaazing.

so tonight i'm going back. and i hope that i can do the same thing. oh la.

monster mash

yesterday. was probably one of the most terrifying days of work i think i have ever experienced. usually when i get there, i enjoy the time it takes to set up, because i feel like i can mentally prepare myself for the next few hours of stress and failure. but it went by too quickly. anyway. i ended up on the phone with this woman. she wanted to make a reservation for a party of 20 people. which normally wouldn't be a problem. but. we only have 17 tables (3 tables of 6, 6 tables of 4, and 8 tables of 2) so we are very hesitant to take large parties that rent out half our space. people who know each other like to talk. when you have 20 people together on one side of the restaurant it gets really loud. the other diners get frustrated. so if the person wants a large reservation, we have to ask our manager. so i asked if we could call back. no. she needs an answer right that second or she's going to call another place. i asked my manager and he said that we would need to have certain things happen. she was very angry even with the thought of restricting to those certain things. i was frustrated. because i did not have answers to these questions she was asking. she would not let me call her back. my manager did not want to speak with her. so i'm stuck on the phone listening to her yell at me about the do's and don'ts of managing a restaurant. by the time i get off the phone. i'm tired. i'm angry. and i don't understand why i needed to be harassed. i don't know the maximum number of people that we can hold a reservation for. they never told me. i don't know anything about catering. so when people come in expecting me to know these things - and i don't... it sucks. because most of the time, they don't want to be transferred to someone else. they don't like being pushed from face to face. and i can get that. but it's not like i'm doing it for jollies. so. right after all of this, we have a reservation for 14 people. then a reservation for 10. then a table of 7 and two tables of 6. during which all of the other tables fill up. we don't have a hostess on wed. there were only three servers. which normally wouldn't be such a bad thing. we know what we're doing most of the time. but when it's all unexpectedly busy and no one has any chance to breathe. and we're all tired. no one's getting what they need. tables are filling up and emptying faster than we can give them water and clear off the settings... it was hectic. utter pandemonium. i had so many people getting angry at me for the little things. and i know they're trying to help, and i try not to let it get to me too much. but sometimes. it really does. our dishes kept running out. we didn't have any clean silverware. the glasses were empty most of the time. the funny thing is. that if we had had one more person. most of those things could have been avoided. sigh.

i know, that most of my unhappiness was my own fault. and i am prepared to deal with that. and sometimes. people just don't understand that things might be a little slow if there are a million people who need the same thing at the same time. yesterday was a low point. i'm just hoping that tomorrow will turn around a little bit. that i'll be able to focus. and do my job the best way that i can. so that we have happy customers coming and going. telling their friends how lovely we are. how great our service is. and how yummy our food tastes.

CAN I TELL YOU ABOUT MY CAT?!

bahaha. okay seriously though... my cat does this thing now. when i'm on the couch, with my computer, he'll climb up to the back around the headrest. and climb down my shoulder into my lap. and it's like... "looooovvvveee meee raaawr!"

sad and lonely

with no friends. that's what my brother said.

we're playing the "who has it worse" game. he's winning... i don't understand why this happens to me. i was feeling so good these past two weeks. and then as soon as i get home. my mind starts losing it's ability to function. and now i'm tired and agitated all the time.

gah.......

temperature's rising

it's getting closer and closer to go time. my dad and i are leaving at three. to get to the airport. and i. am freaking. out. sigh. i wish that i wasn't so cowardly. i know that i'm going to go. and i'm going to be fine. and i'll survive. and everything will be sunshine and lolipops. but this waiting period... is really just terrifying. what am i going to do in the airport for two hours...? dumb. and then another two hours later... gah.

because tonight is just another one of those lonely nights. where i can't help thinking that something went askew. or that i'm malfunctioning. or that everything is turning out exactly the way that i thought it would. but i'm tired. and i'm angry. and i'm frustrated. so is it okay to feel this way? or am i just reaching for straws.

new camera

i told my brother that he needed to take a new profile picture. this isn't the one that he's going to use. but i think it's really cute. also, that's my hand on that pillow. not his. there is nothing weird going on. ew.

i'm really excited about this camera too. (thanks jacob) and since there's a lot of traveling in my next few days. maybe i'll actually get to share my adventures. C:

you're a-maze-ing

tonight. i crocheted more of my giant square.

painted my toenails green with little alien eyes.

ate a chocolate bar

watched hook with my family

loved you.

mistaken for strangers.

i'm home now. and a little worse for wear. nothing really happened the way i thought it would. i have to go to work soon, but i'm tired. and i feel fat, and ugly. and just a little beat. i don't understand why it works this way. why in the end, i just end up feeling pathetic and jealous. we all come together and every thing is different. everyone came back better versions of themselves. except me. i don't know where i fit anymore. and then i get home. and nothing matters. they don't know. i don't want to tell them. it's like i'm just empty now. not even the good empty. can i just be someone else now?

i have nothing to show for myself. nothing at all. is it that i just haven't been trying? or that i'm physically incapable...

"You get mistaken for strangers by your own friends

when you pass them at night under the silvery, silvery citibank lights

arm in arm in arm and eyes and eyes glazing under

oh you wouldn't want an angel watching over

surprise, surprise they wouldn't want to watch

another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults"

-the national.

i'm scared

i'm scared to fail. not just in school. in anything. i don't do things that i'm not good at. or at least half decent at. because when i mess up, it's really easy for me go off the deep end if you know what i mean. the other day someone told me that i needed to learn how to fail. because by learning what you can't do. helps you grow and expand into finding things you can do. and i really liked that... but. i feel like i'm too scared to try it out. to test the waters.

i didn't have to try in school when i was a kid. the teachers would say things, and i would remember. i didn't read directions (which sometimes got me into trouble) because i read similar ones before, and i knew what to do... those worksheets really bored me. they were all the same. but i remember when i would get things wrong, my mom would be so disappointed in me. if i wasn't a straight A student, i was somehow going to destroy the world. throw everything off balance. it was a lot of pressure. i learned when i was around 10 or 11 that my mom got horrible grades. failed almost everything. i was so mad at her. that was one of the major things that started our rift. because she put so much pressure on me (not that it made me do anything except feel guilty) and i didn't feel like she had the right to. not unless she had something under her belt.

i remember being punished a lot... i don't think i ever really understood why. it took me a while to be one of the good kids. but after i learned the ins and outs of the right and wrong. i was so scared to mess up. because good kids go to heaven. and bad kids burn in hell. and if you ever do anything wrong. ever. you're not going to have a chance. you're a demon child. and that's that. someone told me once that we sin constantly throughout the day. every night before i went to bed i would say my little prayer, "dear jesus, please forgive me of all my sins, and please help my legs not to hurt" (i had pretty horrendous growing pains sometimes. i said that prayer up into my high school days. some nights i would say that, and my legs would hurt so bad i would cry. and i would wonder why jesus didn't love me. there are nights i still have pain. but now i can take medication) after awhile someone else told me that you need to ask forgiveness for every single one of your sins. you need to be specific or else god isn't going to wipe your slate clean. and i was mortified because there were so many, there was no way i was going to be able to ask forgiveness for things i didn't know anything about.

it was around that time. i started giving up.

cinco de mayo. OOPS

my first order of business is to announce that i have been chewing this mega mystery gum made by stride. i like the idea... they decided, oh let's make a flavor and not tell you what it is! so i was all up ons... it tastes kind of like really fruity pop rocks... more fruit less pop. (secretly i wish it was the other way around).

secondly. yesterday i got sick. which sucks because i've been looking forward to cinco de mayo since the first of may... sigh.

also. i feel like these http://www.pillowpetsontv.com/Default.asp?tag=google&bhcp=1 are really cute. the elephant looks a little scary. but if there was a dinosaur i would totally get it. although the alligator kind of looks like one. but i don't think that dolphin would work very well. unless it was just a fat dolphin.

everything was fine. and then it wasn't.

which really, is the perfect example...

we expected something, something better than before.

we expected something more.

do you really think you can just put it in a safe

behind a painting, lock it up and leave.

walk away now, and you're gonna start a war

whatever went away i'll get it over now.

i'll get money, i'll get funny again.

you were always weird but i never

had to hold you by the edges like i do now

-start a war, the national

obtained.

today. i hit 128 lb's. and i'm really excited.

i know that how much i weigh shouldn't matter. because really i should be more concerned with my body shape instead. at least that seems like it would make more sense. but... i haven't weighed this little since i was in 6th grade. (and this one time i got sick, but then the next day, i gained it all back. so it doesn't count) and i know it's ridiculous. but. i really can't help it.

jacob started it.

people tell me quite a bit just to pray about it. to give it to god, and everything will be alright. what am i supposed to say to that? i prayed about this for 6 years, no answer yet... i think he's tired of listening to me. i can understand that they're just trying to help. but. it's not alright. not then, and especially not now.

my parents got their answer to prayer. it made them go bankrupt, move around the country. my dad was unemployed for a year or so. and no one in the church will listen to a thing they have to say. why can't i have luck like theirs...

every so often, i feel bad for thinking this. but i really can't help it... yesterday, with the whole dream scare... i really tried to solidify my idea of god. but i can't figure this part out.

this morning i woke up, because i died. i had one of those crazy end of the world dreams. it didn't start out that way at all. james bond and angela montenegro were in an empty hospital. it had been evacuated because there were going to be some pretty hefty storms coming around, and no one though the building would be left standing. but they were in there... angela didn't know about the storms. and bond didn't care... and then it flashed back to earlier that day when bond was flying a plane trying to escape. he was doing all of these crazy tricks in the air... and then tried to go under a bridge. and his plane exploded. then all of the sudden. peter and i were there. it was earlier in the day. and we were on a boat. someone was talking... and it started getting really windy. and there had been threats of massive storms. and i remember people were walking off the boat smiling holding hands. saying how much god loved them. and how everything was going to be alright, because things were happening just like he said they were. peter and i were just sitting there. he was listening to someone or something, i don't know. but i know that i had this little bag of paper that had things that i had said written on them. they were like, excerpts from my notebooks. and i was trying to scribble little side notes on them, because if someone later was going to find my body. i wanted them to understand what i meant. i was bawling my eyes out because peter and i had never finished talking about god, and religion. and i kept trying to pull him aside and figure it out. but something was always happening. i had this overwhelming feeling of panic. like we were wasting time trying to figure this out. we just needed to pick something. i wanted to follow all of the people who weren't freaking out. but peter was saying how, it wouldn't be right because we weren't sure if we believed the same things. and i kept trying to take him with me. but he would say things like, well the lifeguards aren't going to leave their posts are they? and i was beside myself, because i knew. that i would never leave him behind. but i knew that if we stayed we were going to die. and i remember being so afraid. because i knew that i believed in god. we were still on the boat and it started getting really stormy. and peter fell over the side. and i jumped in after him. and tried to find him, but there was just too much water. and i couldn't see anything, or feel anything. and i couldn't help just imagining him next to me, so that i wouldn't feel like i was dying by myself.

and i woke up... and i was so scared. i believe in dreams a whole heck of a lot more than i believe in those conscious "signs" and i just keep trying to think about how different people would interpret this.. and it fight's with my head. religious people would definitely say that god's trying to talk with me. and other people would say that i have just been around too many apocalyptic movies. but that's not important. how do i feel about this? i've been scared of this happening my entire life. they think that it's a good thing when they tell you all of the horrible ways you're going to die when you're a child.

i feel like. i believe in a god. i don't know what happens after death. i don't know if there's a heaven. or if i'm going to go... but i'm so scared. because i know that if these things ever happen, i'm not going to be able to hold onto anything like this. i'm going to be running around with my head cut off. and that's not how it's supposed to work. you're supposed to be able to just, hold onto that hope. and i can't.

when i was a kid, i kept praying to god to let me die before the end of the world. because i knew i wasn't strong enough to go through it.