tired

of packing.


i need a break from life.
i was actually thinking earlier tonight how much
i just want to go somewhere FAR away
and just... be on my own for a while.
i'm so sick of being around the people...
that i'm around right now (at home)

and i would like nothing better
than to go somewhere else
and reinvent myself

have a fresh start
you know?

but i can't
because, it's ...


very very unlikely that i will ever get to.

just how it's very very unlikely that i will actually enjoy the next few years..

ah, rest...

so, after a very hectic morning. of not having my computer
i now get to enjoy this evening of pc-pro-ness

my poor roddrick had been acting funny lately.
he was around three breaths short of a break down
so i coppied all of my files onto the new ipod
-whose name is Vittorio-
and... sigh.... erased my hard drive.

so now, after a very inconvenient computer less day
i have most of my necessary things back on my roddrick
and can now rest easy
knowing that he might have four breaths
before he departs to the big pc convention in the sky

Vittorio on the other hand, had been a very pleasant surprise.
and i think, we will enjoy a very long and exciting relationship together. :D

i just got home.

my mom came to pick me up and brought me this paper that my sister wrote for one of those back to school project things. so, she wrote this paper about me.
it says

"my sister is an artist. she draws like you can not believe. she has a big room. she is mostly fun. she is the greatest sister. that is all i can say about her."

i thought it was really cute.
except for that mostly fun part.. :D

psalm 9...

yesterday. i had a really good day.
almost.
yesterday was Tuesday. and i had been looking forward to Tuesday for some time. i would get my picture proofs, we would elect bel canto officers. i would only have one day until home leave.
so yesterday i wore a really cute outfit. because i felt good... and everything was going great! until i got to leadership bible class.
when i got to class, we started talking about oh, all of those topics that you would normally talk about in a bible class. and i started getting really aggravated. which I've noticed starts happening whenever I'm in a spiritual situation. like vespers. or chapel. i turn my mind off. because i don't want to listen to it. i don't want to hear any of it. so i was contemplating the reasoning behind my sudden disinterest for these topics and i realized it's because, i don't care. i don't care about what they have to say. and i don't want to hear it. i was in the middle of class and everyone was voicing those spoon fed opinions and i felt so angry at them all. I'm tired of the expected answers when it comes to God.
so as i was walking down to bel canto after class, i was thinking to myself. do i care about the bible? because i only read parts of it because people tell me that i should. but honestly, i don't think i do. i don't think that i can subscribe to believing in the bible. i haven't even read the whole thing. but if i don't care about the bible. do i care about God? no. i don't think that i do. i don't have a reason to believe in him. i don't know where he is. and the whole time, i was three steps away from hyperventilating because. it's awful.
i never wanted to be one of those people that didn't believe in him. never. i didn't understand why people would say things like "god doesn't exist" because of everything that i had been told by everyone else. it was sort of like a "duh, why can't you see this?" sort of deal.
and i was freaking out because i was turning into one. and it scared me. immensely.
so all during bel canto, i was crying my eyes out. and mr. flores picked that practice to sing the "solo" or whatever, and it didn't go as horribly as it could have. but, you could tell. so pooper asked to practice it after, (we were getting out early) and so of course we ended up talking about my puffy eyes and i ended up telling him. hmm.. he seems to have a knack for that kind of thing. so i talked it over with him. there were a lot of "i don't knows"
but afterwards, i didn't feel any less freaked out. or like i had done anything. so i went back to my room and packed and such.
but i was thinking about it before i went to bed.
i thought it was kind of funny because i still had the "I'm going to talk to God before i go to bed mentality"
so this morning, i was in the shower and i was trying to think of reasons not to believe in God. and i couldn't think of any.
and i realized that my reasoning for denouncing him, didn't hold up.
i won't decide to believe in him, but i'll decide not to?
seems kind of ridiculous.
and in my 10 minute shower, i was trying to think of anything that could sway my decision.
and i found one.
i cannot subscribe to evolution.
it seems like a silly enough answer right?
and if i strongly believe in creation, it's a fair guess that i should also have belief in a creator, or else my whole foundation is ... gone.
and right now, it's a good enough reason for me.
i think i'm okay with deciding to believe in God. because the truth is, i don't know what i would do if i didn't believe in him. i don't think i'm capable of NOT believing. maybe it's a part of growing up in the church. i'm not really sure. but, i wouldn't feel complete if i denounced him.

as of right now, i'm not entirely sure where i stand on every subject or element of anything religious. but, i have decided.
i have made my choice.
and right now, i feel content.

i'm going home today. so i'll take a break from my mind for a few days, and when i get back, maybe i'll try to appreciate things.
i'm not claiming anything right now. except God.


and i think i'm okay with this decision.

kind of but not quite...

i am in a very fluctuating mood right now

i want to be inspired by something
i want to feel passionate about anything

but i want to rest...
to catch up with life..
to breathe

so, as you can see, it's quite difficult for my mood to be satisfied..
it's all so very demanding.

i would say currently, i am not happy.
more annoyed if anything. i got an email from an old friend today. and i was annoyed by the way she tried to tell me things that i already knew. like she was the authority on my life, and everyone else's. and yet. it just makes me incredibly disgusted with myself. it's like i prefer to judge rather than to see the sides.

so amidst the trying to figure out what i will be doing with the rest of my life, planning out every inch of my homeleave (including trying to be polite to my family, trying not to step on people's toes, trying to figure out every little tiny detail of family formalities) trying to get through the next few days, reforming my dastardly ways, i also have to deal with this new ounce of self hate so lavishly heaped upon me.

so this afternoon i was trying to find things to look forward to. things to make me smile.
1. the seniors receive their picture proofs tomorrow. and i am supremely curious as to how they have turned out.
2. my anniversary with pooper is coming up on the ninth of november. and i have planned out an elaborate gift for him. (which should cause stress but surprisingly doesn't. but now i have to deal with the whole, "no we're not going out, it's the anniversary of the starting point of our friendship" but i don't want to tell people. it's not something that i think they would understand. i haven't told anyone what my big plan is yet. i don't think i'm going to."
3. i picked out four songs for my senior recital today. which means practice practice practice! but, i'm happy. because now i have something to work on. a goal i guess to keep me sane for the rest of the semester.


i love life. i really do. it's just i'm not sure i know how to appreciate it yet. and it depresses me ever so slightly.

calm

right now, i feel very relaxed.
which is a stretch at most.
this morning i was entirely shrouded in doubt.
the fair mr. stewart asked me if i would be willing to lead out in song service at his church plant. which of course, i said yes to. and of course should have said no to. i am no good at getting up front. as is evidence by my focus week fiasco. so i should not have agreed. so last night, and well into this morning. i was freaking out for obvious reasons. and afterwards. i was very depleted and void of energy. because i failed. miserably. but later i stepped out and played a little badminton... a strange sport for a reed. (in fact, all sports are strange for the reeds... )

so that was my day...

i also got called for jury duty...
strange, since i'm still a minor...
hum.

release

the time has come, for me to accept the fact. that i am a jerk. i know i have said this before, but let me explain... a few weeks ago, we were supposed to have picked our bel canto dresses... and we did. i was out voted 5 to 1. yes i was a smidge peeved. but i got over it right?
well, we got the dresses yesterday (let me just say that yesterday was an incredibly awful day for me)so when we got the dresses, it was like "ugh i can't believe how ugly they are" and i was incredibly free with my opinions. i was upset. i was frustrated. but i was too critical. i realize that i made a mistake. it was not the best thing to do. as is evidence by the offense that i caused a friend of mine. i called to apologize. but as these things often go, she didn't really accept it. she said everything was fine. but i saw her today and it's not how they seem. i will believe her. and not assume that she is still mad at me. but, it's hard not to. i feel very stuck. also because we're voting whether or not to keep the dresses today. and if they get revoked. how will she feel? it didn't help that i was the one trying to organize the whole thing. like i said. i am a jerk. so i stepped down. and now i will just be one of the masses. i will vote. share my opinion when necessary. but i still feel really awful about what happened... i don't know how to fix it. it seems as if i'm being unnecessarily disgusting lately.

i found The Glass Menagerie in the library a few days ago, and found a part that i related to completely.
the son is entirely frustrated by his mother, and after too much, he simply explodes, screaming this.

"i'm going to opium dens! Yes opium dens of vice and criminal hangouts, mother i've joined the Hogan gang, I'm a hired assassin, i carry a tommy gun in a violin case! i run a string of cat hoses int he valley. they call me killer. killer wingfield. i'm leading a double-life a simple honest warehouse worker by day, by night a dynamic czar of the underworld mother. i go to gambling casino's, i spin away fortunes at the roulette table. i wear a patch over one eye and a false mustache, sometimes i put on green whiskers. on those occasions they call me el diablo! oh i could tell you many issued to make you sleepless. my enemies plan to dynamite this place. they're going to blow us all sky-high some night! i'll be glad, very happy. and so will you! you'll go up on a broom stick over blue mountain with seventeen gentlemen callers. you ugly babbling witch!"

and while he's yelling, he breaks his sisters glass menagerie...
and he regrets. he mourns. his mistakes.

and this is pretty much how i reacted... except about dresses
not... drugs...

finally figured out

i think i have finally realized why..

let me explain.
this morning, i was in the music office with kyle and we started talking about the mission trip. he asked me if i was going to go and i said no. he then asked me why, and my gut response was "because i wouldn't want to cheat anyone"
i think this is probably one of the reasons why i am the way that i am... i don't like being a part of something, when i'm not fully involved, or capable of becoming involved completely. i'm not passionate about very many things. and yes, going on a mission trip would be exciting. but if i went, and someone else didn't. i would feel incredibly guilty. because they probably have more initiative than i do.
this year, i don't feel like being in bel canto. why? because i'm not ready for it. i'm not prepared to deal with everything. i'm not excited about school.
all of these things is just... bearing down on my mind. i want to become passionate, but there is nothing for me to do that with.
i haven't yet figured out why i'm so void of emotion, or i guess i should say incredibly bipolar right now. but at least a smidge of the puzzle has been filled. yes?
i'm still frustrated with so many things. not a day goes by when i don't feel like bursting into a flood of tears. and talking to people only makes it worse. it's an unnecessary burden upon innocent souls.
a few nights ago i had a breakdown. i was on the phone with my dad, and i couldn't even control it. i didn't see it coming at all. it was a complete surprise. i was and am still very upset about the whole thing. it sparked from the conversation "what am i doing with my life" i freaked out. and i couldn't even feel release through talking with him. it was like i was robbing him of his chance to speak to me. i was wasting his time by making him listen to my pathetic story...
i feel like i'm draining everyone of their happiness. like i'm destroying them by being concerned about me.
and the funny thing is. i'm a listener. i'm supposed to be listening to them talk about what makes them upset. not the other way around

right now though. i feel very lost.
i haven't found my niche yet. so i'm borrowing the space of others.

and it's not right
it's not okay

forever

it seems like it's taken at least forever since i've begun attending at bma...
i just want to get out.
so far, we've had to deal with the stresses of senior retreat
and bel canto dresses
mosaics
forced fun.
and it's only entering the fourth week.
i'm not sure how much more of this i can take...

sigh... all summer i wanted to get in
and now all i want to do is get out...

but perhaps, sometime soon, it will get better...
right?
at least that is what my dad keeps trying to tell me.. but i'm not sure how much i'm willing
and or accepting of that idea
seeing as how he's been saying it since he lost his job like a bazillion years ago....
still doesn't have another one.

and it feels like forever since i've enjoyed life...
like forever since i've laughed without hesitation
forever since i haven't missed someone...

i embark

today
for my senior year.
wish me luck
love
peace
joy
no stress
haha

love you all

packing

so, i'm currently getting together all of my things, and getting ready to go up to bma on sunday. everything is pretty much all together. but it's very depressing. yesterday, i went to the movies with Chrystal. on the way home i was in the car and listening to "love you all" by cloud cult. and it started pouring rain. i was just sitting there bawling my eyes out because it was so beautiful. all of my stress and doubts and fears and loves came out all at once in this awful moment. but i called pooper and started yelling to him. most of the time, he doesn't mind helping me calm down. then, this morning i headed out for my last day of work. but around 11 i had an msg attack and had to go home. which of course you know they're going to complain about because it was my last day. they're going to think it was a cop out. but i got home and was puffy and red and there was no way that i could've worked. but whatever. so now i'm packing and getting all of the things that i want to take with me into the middle of the room so that i can find them easily. my dad thinks i'm too stressed. so he took my phone away this afternoon and he's not going to let me use the computer until tomorrow. which i understand. i am stressed. i just found out tonight that he took out a loan so that he could help me pay for my registration fee.
it really freaks me out because he said that he wasn't going to take any more loans out. but whatever. so i'm just kinda chilling waiting for time to either speed up or slow down. i'm in limbo waiting for everything to come back to earth.
sigh.

stressssssed

so, today at work, was sucky
i don't want to go tomorrow
or friday
i'm such a rotten employee

ugh today though my fellow employees decided to turn the radio
up real loud
they were in the gym and all of the little kiddies were there
and i'll give you three guesses as to what kind of music it was
rap! yuck.
so, they have it turned up so you can't hear what all of the
incoherent children are trying to tell you
and so dun dun dun
the doorbell rings. i'm downstairs (the gym is upstairs)
so i answer the door, it's a parent i tell them where their
child is and i go back to the children downstairs. right?
right. so like, 10 minutes later, i take my kids down to
the gym and the parent is sitting in the lobby right in front
of the gym with a magazine in her lap and a "death to the world"
expression on her face. obviously she isn't happy. we're not supposed
to have music playing.
i'm assuming we're going to have a complaint sooner or later about this
sigh. i would be upset too, so i can't even blame her.
this is unacceptable. i wouldn't want my kids listening to any kind of music
without my knowledge.

we had to kick a kid out because he brings roaches
every time he comes. so far we found them in his diaper, sippie cup,
book bag, sandwiches. it's nasty
and they're infesting our facility so we had to tell him that
he can't come back unless he has a note from his landlord saying that
they are taking care of the problem.
yuck.
but he was a pain.
unless he wanted to be cute.

excitement

so today i'm on a quest to go and find honey sticks.
i'm also going to hallmark
i have decided what i'm doing for graduation gifts
so... i need to go and see if they have what i need.
and at the risk of ruining the surprise. i'm not going to say anything
because miss nikki might figure it out. haha.
but yea, i'm on a mission! dun dun DUUUUN!

i hate food

so this will be the 111 post :/ second palindrome
usually, that would make me incredibly excited. but see, i missed the first post because i was complaining and what not... so, anywho. today at work was really slow. for some reason the director thinks that it's a good idea to keep the toddlers and infants in the same room so we have like four babies and three toddlers running around in the same room. it's crazy.and also, sitting in a room with babies is not exactly the most entertaining thing in the world. "oh my goodness, she spit! so cute!" ugh. do you know how sick i am of speaking in baby talk... :/ yarg.... fargle..

the doctors

today, i had to go the doctors office. the daycare requires me to get this form filled out by a physician before i can start working, but they said the latest i could get it in was about 2 weeks ago, so i've been trying to hurry up and do that... :/ yup. so, we were sitting there, and it turns out that our appointment was at 8:50 and we got there at around that time, but someone else had an appointment at 8:30 and got there the same time we did, so my mom was upset because now everything was messed up and we were going to have to wait for forever until we could see the doctor. but my mom and i got into this conversation about what i was going to use my money for. because, i'm working, and the whole purpose was to use it for registration, but my dad already paid for it, and he said i could probably just use if for splash cash here and there throughout the year. and so, i was planning on saving it so that i could go to poland with nikki if we're still going. so, i don't know, that was my plan and then my mom was like, oh, by the way, you have to pay for your books. so now i have to pay for that expense. but see, they made me get my own bank account. so if they had wanted access to that money, they shouldn't have let me do that. they specified registration money, and since that's paid... i should get to keep it right?
well, whatever. so i'm confused about that right now, seeing as how the communication with my family is very non existent. so, they're probably going to decide sometime that i can't keep any of it, which you know, i wouldn't be too upset about if they had told me that from the beginning. but whatever... right? yarg.
i really hate that oxy clean guy. billy mays or something like that.
not really, but i'm very annoyed right now....

sharing

South Carolina

so we went down to SC to visit family. my grandma rented these barracks in the Oconee county so my section of the family traveled 12 hours by car (very uncomfortable, don't do it) to go stay in this little... room. there were 2 bathrooms one in between two rooms. there were four beds to a room, a kitchen and a family room with 3 pull out couches. so we got there at around 5 on friday morning, we left thursday at the same time. my dad, chad and i were having trouble sleeping so we decided to go exploring before the sun came up. we walked down to this part of the "park" that had the directions to all of the trails. we wanted to go to hidden falls, but we couldn't find them, go figure, so we came back to the barracks at around 7:40 and went to bed. woke up at around 10 something. then that day, we just sort of, didn't do anything. later in the afternoon we went out and started looking to see what was around, we found out that everyone eats boiled peanuts. which i found, really strange... :/ they're salty and gross. AND SQUISHY... so, it was an experience. on saturday everyone wanted to go wake up super early and hike for three miles to see a giant rock... i did not find that exciting at all, and my parents agreed with me. so we slept in and then while everyone was gone, we went waterfall hunting :) it was pretty crazy, there's this one waterfall, dry falls that was used in the last of the mohicans movie, and so of course we had to go.. but they were closed, they were rebuilding the parking lot so, we hopped over the line and went down anyway, because we can't come back in september when it reopens... so we got back to the barracks at around 9 something, not in time for supper. and we had to sit around and wait for everyone to go to bed because we're stuck with the hide-a-beds. sunday, we just kind of sat around, the uncles went golfing when they came back, it was 3-ish so my dad took chad and i out, we walked around the highlands for about an hour and then we went waterfall hunting again :) this time, we found this river, that had this huge water hole type thing, and there was a rock 20 or so feet up. which of course we had to jump off of, because we're idiots. i was persuaded twice, but it was pretty scary. i don't jump off of things... haha, so yea. but we went down the river and there was this gorgeous waterfall, that you can't really hike to the bottom of because there's poison ivy and steepness everywhere so we went back up a little bit and climbed down, to the edge, it was so beautiful... then, yesterday everyone wanted to go to the cowpens battlefield and of course we had to stop at the bmw factory and the calhoon house. really exciting... :/ after everything, we started on our way back home.
we got here around 4:30 but I GOT 2 LETTERS! i was so excited haha. so today the plan is to write letters, go to work, and write some more..
so i told you the events, but perhaps later i will disclose the family drama

finally

so on the top, that is nikki and i, i went to lbi
to visit the nases and company :)
i had a lot of fun. it was crazy seeing them again
and i really really missed nikki....:/
and then when i got home... my grandparents
had arrived. and my grandma brought me my blanket
the second picture.
:) it's like a giant puzzle piece with the scalloped edges!
i'm so excited!
i get to finish it. :)
i guess the only downside to my tuesday was that i got my period...
Rats... so right now i feel gross... but whatevs...

i knew a girl once

She liked to look through the windows of the houses
She passed by
To see the color schemes of someone else’s life
Her favorite part was the curtains.
Each house had its own set
Most of the time, they would match
The room to a T
And every time she looked in, it would be different
Sometimes there would be a person or two
And others, it would be bare
But every time she looked through,
Even if it was for just a moment
She could see a
Different perspective.
That was probably why she hated
Being in the driver’s seat
Road’s don’t have curtains.
Mostly, the only time she got to look
Was when she was sitting on the back
Of her daddy’s motorcycle
She would listen to her headphones
That she always wore under the helmet
And match the themes to
Someone else
Stealing the words
And painting her pictures
The funny thing is,
They don’t remember her

slightly

this morning i woke up at around 5 because
i had probably the worst night mare... in a while
it was really really creepy.
uhm. pretty much i got kidnapped by these two guys
who liked to drink blood...
freaked me out.
so i didn't get back to sleep which automatically leads to
tired carly.
so we went to church and everything. we left early
and i took a nap that ended up being too short.
my dad, caleigh and i went with the jon mess and dorothy
to go canoing and kayaking.
actually, i must admit that i had more fun than i thought i would
it was my first experience in a kayak and i liked it a lot
it was a little bit of hard work
and probably not enough. but
i enjoyed myself thoroughly
until about 9-ish.
we decided to go to bills house and watch
jesus christ superstar. and i was very appalled.
in no way shape or form do i or did i have any
interest in seeing this film. it strikes me as
a mockery almost. and i don't think it's okay.
at all, but whatever, i'm just a teenager.
i find it interesting however that a man who
won't go inter tubing on a saturday will watch
a movie that is known for being controversial
the same day.
i don't know. whatever.
so we went and i figured i'd give it a try just for
politeness and maybe a discussion afterwards
but around 15 to 20 minutes in
i became so disgusted with how it was all turning out
i went upstairs and fell asleep.
so tomorrow we're planing a fun filled day of maybe
riding some roller coasters
yay?
we'll see how i feel then.
:/
right now
i think it would be a good idea if i was to go to sleep