Therapist.

My family doesn't believe in global warming. They don't believe in going green. They despise the new health care policy. They cannot stand Obama. And they really dislike it when people prove them wrong. Also, they hate therapists. Why? I have no idea. But they do. Even the religious one's who try to encourage spending money on the church. They have always hated it, and I suspect they always will. Not once, have they ever shown interest in changing their minds. My dad has been really torn up about my mental health lately. Which I can understand... he's my dad, I am his flesh and blood. He's been trying really hard lately to get me to talk to someone. But somehow that only makes me feel like he thinks there is something wrong with me...

We have a kitten now. Caleigh named him Diesel. I've been playing with him for the past few days. And let me tell you, he is a-dorable. He was living underneath the shed in the backyard with his brother. But now we have one and not the other. Hopefully that will soon be remedied.

i can't do this anymore... i can't keep strapping myself to people and pretend that they love me too. my friendships are falling apart at the seams, and i'm the only one who seems to notice. or that wants to fix it. my family dynamic is a joke. has been for years. my mental health is being sustained by gluten free fruit snacks and occasional trips for coffee.

i'm a mess tonight and everyone i tried to reach out to. everyone i tried to call... didn't answer. or just didn't care. i don't know, you pick.

tonight, i waited by the phone for 3 hours because i needed to hear someone tell me that they loved me. i needed that. and no one did. not until it was too late... and now i don't believe you.

i'm lost

It used to be, that when I was not blogging on a regular basis, I would be writing in my notebooks. When I was not writing in my notebooks, I was blogging. It seems as if, I have lost whatever part of me that was motivated towards those tasks. It is almost as if, I have lost the desire to speak. This is troublesome, for me at least. Perhaps this does not bother you at all. That is probably where the issue comes about. I used to believe that I was writing to a whole sea of people who would be affected by what I had to say. If you have read any of my posts, that idea is ludicrous. I write nonsense.

If you were to ask me right now, if I was happy with my life, I would say, "It's complicated". I do not believe I would feel completely honest saying either "yes" or "no". My life is kind of a mess at the moment. I am continuing an education that I feel is worthless, but I am too scared to discontinue it for fear of what that would mean. I am jealous that my friends get to live together at their colleges, and remain living in the dorm setting of our high school years. I spend half of my days at home, and the other half visiting Peter. I'm not sure I feel really "at home" at either location. Where am I supposed to fit?

That's it, maybe I don't feel like i fit anywhere. Sometimes I ask myself those questions like "where is my life headed" or "how will I have grown in ten years". Ultimately I end up getting myself upset because I can't answer them. What am I doing with myself now? I spend days writing papers for classes that I can't stand. I eat like a madwoman because I'm not sure how else to deal with the stress. I end up hating myself because I can't be like everyone else. How much longer can I function like this?

Sometimes I'm alright. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I end up bursting into tears for no apparent reason. Which is kind of how I feel right now. Maybe getting rid of all the negative energy will cleanse my spirit and free my mind. No, but it's a nice thought.

Today, my dad went to the E.R. He had chest pain. He's been there for a while now. They've run some tests, but they don't know what's wrong. It's not his heart, and it's not his lungs. Tomorrow they're doing a stress test and god knows what else... and I'm scared. It's either serious, or it isn't. The only thing is, I won't know which one for a while. I keep thinking about all of the things that could go wrong... How terrible it would be if something unspeakable happened. My family would fall apart. He's the glue. If he's gone, I won't stay.