temperature's rising

it's getting closer and closer to go time. my dad and i are leaving at three. to get to the airport. and i. am freaking. out. sigh. i wish that i wasn't so cowardly. i know that i'm going to go. and i'm going to be fine. and i'll survive. and everything will be sunshine and lolipops. but this waiting period... is really just terrifying. what am i going to do in the airport for two hours...? dumb. and then another two hours later... gah.

because tonight is just another one of those lonely nights. where i can't help thinking that something went askew. or that i'm malfunctioning. or that everything is turning out exactly the way that i thought it would. but i'm tired. and i'm angry. and i'm frustrated. so is it okay to feel this way? or am i just reaching for straws.

new camera

i told my brother that he needed to take a new profile picture. this isn't the one that he's going to use. but i think it's really cute. also, that's my hand on that pillow. not his. there is nothing weird going on. ew.

i'm really excited about this camera too. (thanks jacob) and since there's a lot of traveling in my next few days. maybe i'll actually get to share my adventures. C:

you're a-maze-ing

tonight. i crocheted more of my giant square.

painted my toenails green with little alien eyes.

ate a chocolate bar

watched hook with my family

loved you.

mistaken for strangers.

i'm home now. and a little worse for wear. nothing really happened the way i thought it would. i have to go to work soon, but i'm tired. and i feel fat, and ugly. and just a little beat. i don't understand why it works this way. why in the end, i just end up feeling pathetic and jealous. we all come together and every thing is different. everyone came back better versions of themselves. except me. i don't know where i fit anymore. and then i get home. and nothing matters. they don't know. i don't want to tell them. it's like i'm just empty now. not even the good empty. can i just be someone else now?

i have nothing to show for myself. nothing at all. is it that i just haven't been trying? or that i'm physically incapable...

"You get mistaken for strangers by your own friends

when you pass them at night under the silvery, silvery citibank lights

arm in arm in arm and eyes and eyes glazing under

oh you wouldn't want an angel watching over

surprise, surprise they wouldn't want to watch

another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults"

-the national.

i'm scared

i'm scared to fail. not just in school. in anything. i don't do things that i'm not good at. or at least half decent at. because when i mess up, it's really easy for me go off the deep end if you know what i mean. the other day someone told me that i needed to learn how to fail. because by learning what you can't do. helps you grow and expand into finding things you can do. and i really liked that... but. i feel like i'm too scared to try it out. to test the waters.

i didn't have to try in school when i was a kid. the teachers would say things, and i would remember. i didn't read directions (which sometimes got me into trouble) because i read similar ones before, and i knew what to do... those worksheets really bored me. they were all the same. but i remember when i would get things wrong, my mom would be so disappointed in me. if i wasn't a straight A student, i was somehow going to destroy the world. throw everything off balance. it was a lot of pressure. i learned when i was around 10 or 11 that my mom got horrible grades. failed almost everything. i was so mad at her. that was one of the major things that started our rift. because she put so much pressure on me (not that it made me do anything except feel guilty) and i didn't feel like she had the right to. not unless she had something under her belt.

i remember being punished a lot... i don't think i ever really understood why. it took me a while to be one of the good kids. but after i learned the ins and outs of the right and wrong. i was so scared to mess up. because good kids go to heaven. and bad kids burn in hell. and if you ever do anything wrong. ever. you're not going to have a chance. you're a demon child. and that's that. someone told me once that we sin constantly throughout the day. every night before i went to bed i would say my little prayer, "dear jesus, please forgive me of all my sins, and please help my legs not to hurt" (i had pretty horrendous growing pains sometimes. i said that prayer up into my high school days. some nights i would say that, and my legs would hurt so bad i would cry. and i would wonder why jesus didn't love me. there are nights i still have pain. but now i can take medication) after awhile someone else told me that you need to ask forgiveness for every single one of your sins. you need to be specific or else god isn't going to wipe your slate clean. and i was mortified because there were so many, there was no way i was going to be able to ask forgiveness for things i didn't know anything about.

it was around that time. i started giving up.

cinco de mayo. OOPS

my first order of business is to announce that i have been chewing this mega mystery gum made by stride. i like the idea... they decided, oh let's make a flavor and not tell you what it is! so i was all up ons... it tastes kind of like really fruity pop rocks... more fruit less pop. (secretly i wish it was the other way around).

secondly. yesterday i got sick. which sucks because i've been looking forward to cinco de mayo since the first of may... sigh.

also. i feel like these http://www.pillowpetsontv.com/Default.asp?tag=google&bhcp=1 are really cute. the elephant looks a little scary. but if there was a dinosaur i would totally get it. although the alligator kind of looks like one. but i don't think that dolphin would work very well. unless it was just a fat dolphin.

everything was fine. and then it wasn't.

which really, is the perfect example...

we expected something, something better than before.

we expected something more.

do you really think you can just put it in a safe

behind a painting, lock it up and leave.

walk away now, and you're gonna start a war

whatever went away i'll get it over now.

i'll get money, i'll get funny again.

you were always weird but i never

had to hold you by the edges like i do now

-start a war, the national

obtained.

today. i hit 128 lb's. and i'm really excited.

i know that how much i weigh shouldn't matter. because really i should be more concerned with my body shape instead. at least that seems like it would make more sense. but... i haven't weighed this little since i was in 6th grade. (and this one time i got sick, but then the next day, i gained it all back. so it doesn't count) and i know it's ridiculous. but. i really can't help it.