this morning i woke up, because i died. i had one of those crazy end of the world dreams. it didn't start out that way at all. james bond and angela montenegro were in an empty hospital. it had been evacuated because there were going to be some pretty hefty storms coming around, and no one though the building would be left standing. but they were in there... angela didn't know about the storms. and bond didn't care... and then it flashed back to earlier that day when bond was flying a plane trying to escape. he was doing all of these crazy tricks in the air... and then tried to go under a bridge. and his plane exploded. then all of the sudden. peter and i were there. it was earlier in the day. and we were on a boat. someone was talking... and it started getting really windy. and there had been threats of massive storms. and i remember people were walking off the boat smiling holding hands. saying how much god loved them. and how everything was going to be alright, because things were happening just like he said they were. peter and i were just sitting there. he was listening to someone or something, i don't know. but i know that i had this little bag of paper that had things that i had said written on them. they were like, excerpts from my notebooks. and i was trying to scribble little side notes on them, because if someone later was going to find my body. i wanted them to understand what i meant. i was bawling my eyes out because peter and i had never finished talking about god, and religion. and i kept trying to pull him aside and figure it out. but something was always happening. i had this overwhelming feeling of panic. like we were wasting time trying to figure this out. we just needed to pick something. i wanted to follow all of the people who weren't freaking out. but peter was saying how, it wouldn't be right because we weren't sure if we believed the same things. and i kept trying to take him with me. but he would say things like, well the lifeguards aren't going to leave their posts are they? and i was beside myself, because i knew. that i would never leave him behind. but i knew that if we stayed we were going to die. and i remember being so afraid. because i knew that i believed in god. we were still on the boat and it started getting really stormy. and peter fell over the side. and i jumped in after him. and tried to find him, but there was just too much water. and i couldn't see anything, or feel anything. and i couldn't help just imagining him next to me, so that i wouldn't feel like i was dying by myself.

and i woke up... and i was so scared. i believe in dreams a whole heck of a lot more than i believe in those conscious "signs" and i just keep trying to think about how different people would interpret this.. and it fight's with my head. religious people would definitely say that god's trying to talk with me. and other people would say that i have just been around too many apocalyptic movies. but that's not important. how do i feel about this? i've been scared of this happening my entire life. they think that it's a good thing when they tell you all of the horrible ways you're going to die when you're a child.

i feel like. i believe in a god. i don't know what happens after death. i don't know if there's a heaven. or if i'm going to go... but i'm so scared. because i know that if these things ever happen, i'm not going to be able to hold onto anything like this. i'm going to be running around with my head cut off. and that's not how it's supposed to work. you're supposed to be able to just, hold onto that hope. and i can't.

when i was a kid, i kept praying to god to let me die before the end of the world. because i knew i wasn't strong enough to go through it.